Chapter 10

Here we are, times have changed
People you know have something to say
We're no different, except one way
We are brave enough to be okay
Time to love yourself, you're sexier that way
No more hate, no more shame

~Face Your Fears, Bria & Chrissy

What the hell is that noise? My phone? I look at the clock and see 9:02. I got in after 4 and slept like shit, I am so not answering the call. I pull the pillow over my head and try to fall back to sleep. A few minutes later there's a knock at my bedroom door.

"Grace?" I hear Genesis say quietly on the other side of the door. I hear her try to turn the knob but the door is locked. Lately it's been easier for me to sleep if I feel like no one can surprise me.

"Just a sec" I mumble back. I crawl out of bed and shuffle to my closet for a robe, Gen doesn't need to see me in my panties this early in the morning. I walk to the door and open it with half closed eyes.

"Mornin' sleepy head" Genesis says with a smile. Sure she's nice and perky she didn't have to try and sleep after hearing whatever the hell it was I heard last night between Jameson and the mystery woman. I just can't shake the feeling that what I heard was important.

"Earth to Grace? You awake over there honey?" Genesis says with a laugh.

"What?" I say as I look at her.

"Did you hear anything I just said?" she asks.

"Sorry, I guess I'm still half asleep. What's up?" I ask.

"Have you checked your phone?" I shake my head no as I walk to my night stand to check it now. "Jameson sent a text. The club is closed today, something about setting up for an event, but he wants us all in for a meeting in 30 minutes" Genesis says with a hint of nervousness in her voice.

"Seriously?" I say with a sigh. "I've been asleep for about 3 hours and I am exhausted." As I'm saying this I get my messages open and read the text from Jameson.

Club closed due to set up for weekend event. ALL staff to report for MANDATORY meeting at 9:30. NO EXCEPTIONS.

"Shit" I mumble. "Let me shower. I'll be ready in 15 minutes."

Exactly 15 minutes later we are in Genesis' car headed to the club.

"So what did you make of the text?" Genesis asks. She tries to sound casual, but her voice betrays her anxiety. If I'm being honest, I'm pretty nervous too after reading that text.

"I'm not sure. Seems a little out of character. Jameson isn't usually so loud in his text messages" I say trying to laugh it off, but it sounds forced.

I look at Genesis and can see she is really worried, so I try a different approach.

"Okay, I'm going to tell you something and I need you to promise me you won't say anything to anyone." She nods so I continue. "Last night Jameson was really off. Snapping at everyone, scared the new girl half to death. He and Declan even got into it over something stupid, nearly came to blows."

"Damn" she whispers. "Those two never fight."

"I know, but that isn't the worst of it." We're at a stoplight, so she turns to look at me.

"What is it Grace?" She asks seeing that I need a little prodding to get the next part out. Thankfully the light turns green so she isn't looking at me anymore, I am a little embarrassed by my snooping.

"So last night Declan and I talked and we both agreed that Jameson was off. We decided that one of us needed to keep an eye on him for the night. After my show I was working the floor. Declan was tied up with some idiots getting a little too touchy feely with some of the girls and I saw Jameson run out the back. I followed him. I told myself I was just keeping an eye on him like Dec and I agreed, but in reality he looked so furious when he stormed out I was actually worried about him." I pause and take a deep breath.

"So where did he go?" Genesis asks.

"He went out the back door. I was about to turn around and go back to the bar when I heard angry whispers. I should have turned around, I was definitely eavesdropping at this point, but the voices sounded so angry and this gnawing feeling in my gut told me I needed to make sure Jameson was okay."

I finish telling Genesis about the conversation I heard and how Jameson almost caught me and how lost his face looked as he walked by me.

"Wow. Sounds like some serious demons are coming back around for Jameson. Did you get a look at the woman?" Genesis asks when I'm done.

"No. She was in shadows the whole time." I say as I stare out the window. Almost as an afterthought I add "You know what's funny though? I feel like I should know her for some reason."

As I'm saying this we pull into the parking low. There are quite a few other cars here already. A glance at the clock shows 9:28, just made it.

As we quickly get out of the car and run inside, I grab Gen's arm and stop her.

"Genesis? Please don't say anything to Jameson or Declan about what I told you. I don't want to rock the boat more than it already is." I plead with her.

"No worries sweetheart. I'm just an audience member on this one. I definitely don't want to be an actor in this drama" she says with a laugh and we walk in.

We take a seat at the bar and I look at Jerzy with an eyebrow raised in a question. She just shrugs a shoulder and shakes her head. She either doesn't know why we are here either or she just isn't talking.

"Thanks for coming in guys" Jameson says. I didn't even see him come in. He looks like he hasn't slept at all. "I asked you all to come in today because we have a really important event this weekend and I need to make sure we are all on the same page." He looks around at us and runs a shaky hand through his hair. He seems really nervous and doesn't say anything for a minute.

"What's the event Jameson?" Jerzy calls from behind the bar.

"Right, okay. The owners of the club are bringing in a bunch of friends for a weekend long event. They will be setting up camp in the fields around the club and local motels. The main location for partying will be the club. We will be bringing in food vendors who will be set up in the parking lot. Declan has hired 10 extra security guys and all staff are on every day." His phone vibrates and he pauses to look at a text.

"How many people are we talking about?" I ask.

Declan answers since Jameson is distracted. "There will be anywhere from 500-1000 people. We aren't exactly sure. Jury, the primary owner, says to expect people primarily from Washington, Oregon, Nevada, Arizona, Utah and California. He did say that sometimes they get people at these event from as far as the Midwest or even east coast, just depends on how far they want to travel."

"Thanks Declan." Jameson says as he puts his phone back in his pocket. "So if I'm being honest here guys, what we are hosting is an annual run for a motorcycle club. There are going to be lots of bikers and supporters around for the next few days. Lots of Harleys, beer and loud drunken fools. We can expect the first arrivals tomorrow and they will be here through Sunday. What I need from you guys today is to make sure everything is in perfect order out here and in back. Costumes need to be perfect, dances completely on point, no room for mistakes." His phone vibrates again and he looks at it in frustration. "Alright, that's it. Just make sure everything is perfect. Any mistakes will have serious consequences" he practically growls as he goes into his office and slams the door.

I can hear the staff mumbling about the stress getting to Jameson, and maybe they are right, but I think there is more to it than just the stress of hosting the run. Right now I am fighting not to lose my cool and am welcoming the distraction of trying to figure out Jameson. I practically lost the bagel I ate on the way here when Declan said California would be here this weekend. I have got to figure out what I'm going to do. There is no way I can be in the same room with Jax and there is no way he won't be here if SAMCRO will be.

"So I definitely see what you mean sister" Genesis says as she slides into the booth next to me with a Bloody Mary. I glance at the drink and then up at her with a furrowed brow. "You looked like you could use it" she says with a smile.

"Definitely" I say and take a big sip. Spicy and strong, exactly what I need. I tip my glass to Jerzy with a smile. Genesis and I take our drinks and go back to our dressing room to make sure everything is organized. We pick out costumes for the next 3 nights, double check set lists with Marcus, the DJ, and talk with Declan briefly about security in the backstage area.

Two hours later we are back in Gen's car. I can't stop thinking about what I am going to do. How am I going to hide in plain site? It isn't going to work.

"Gen pull over" I practically scream. She pulls the car to the shoulder and I barely get the door open before everything that was in my stomach vacates. In seconds Gen is holding my hair and gently rubbing my back. Once there is nothing left to get rid of, I slowly sit up. Genesis hands me a tissue and a bottle of water. I wipe my mouth. Take a sip of water and swish it around, then spit it out the door. Wipe my mouth again and crumple the tissue in my hand.

"Okay spill it lady. No way that was from the one Bloody Mary, I know you aren't sick or pregnant and no way worrying about Jameson made you throw up" she says leaving me no wiggle room.

When I don't answer right away she says "Grace, I love you, but if you don't tell me what the hell that was about I may have to strangle you" she says with a loving smile.

"Can we go back to the club? This will be easier for me to say once, and I need to talk to Jerzy about it too." Genesis nods and we get on the road headed back to Inside Voices.

The lot is empty except for Declan, Jameson and Jerzy's cars when we pull in. We walk into the club and head straight to the bar. Jerzy takes one look at my face and grabs a bottle of tequila and 3 shot glasses, I guess she is joining us. She pours 3 shots and we each take one and down it. She refills the glasses, then looks at me.

"So baby girl, what's the plan?" She asks with love in her eyes.

I down a second shot. "I need to fill Gen in on a few more things first." I turn to the best girlfriend I've ever had and tell her the whole story of my past. My life in Charming, falling in love with Jax, leaving for med school and then having to go back. About how Jax and I fell in love again and then about the demons that haunt me the most.

"The baby I told you about, Abel, there was more to that story." Genesis places her hand on top of mine on the bar and squeezes gently. "The night he died I had gone to his house and checked on him 2 hours before. Jax's estranged wife was still living there and was alone with him. She called me a lot to check on him. She was a recovering addict and definitely didn't trust her own instincts, with good reason. Anyway, when I checked him he was fine. Perfect vitals, no signs of distress. When I left Abel with Wendy he was totally fine."

A loud crash makes us all jump. We turn to the stage area and see that Jameson had come in. He just dropped a box on stage causing the crash. What's unnerving though is the way he is looking at me. He's staring at me with unblinking eyes, like he is seeing me for the first time. Then he blinks and the look is gone.

"Um, sorry, I um didn't mean to interrupt, um I just need to get this too my uh office" he says as he picks up the box. He turns and leaves quickly.

"Anyone else think he is acting really strange lately?" Genesis asks.

"Sweetie you have no idea" Jerzy says as she refills my glass and we all take another shot. "Back to the story."

"Okay, so 2 hours after I left Abel with Wendy the hospital calls and tells me Abel's been brought in in respiratory distress. I went to the hospital and we did everything we could, but he didn't make it." I pause and rub my hands over my face. I can feel the tears coming and am trying to hold them back.

Genesis stands and hugs me. Then the tears come and she lets me cry for a few minutes until I pull myself together. Jerzy hands me a glass of water and some tissue. I take a drink of the water, a deep breath, wipe my eyes and continue the story.

"We buried Abel 4 days later. About 2 weeks after that Jax's best friend's wife was murdered. His mother was pushing him so hard to get involved in more dangerous things and trying everything she could to get me out of the picture. So many awful things were happening around us and I felt like I was suffocating. I hadn't been able to work since Abel's death. Every time I got into an operating room I froze. I tried to talk to Jax about it but he had shut down completely at this point. He moved out of his house and into his room at the clubhouse. He gave the house to Wendy. Beyond sex, Jax and I just weren't connecting. We were both so broken. One night in his room after a lot of beer and a lot of weed, I finally asked him if he blamed me for Abel's death. He didn't answer, just looked at me with hollow eyes. I got up, got dressed and walked out. The next day I packed my things, left a note for him at the Teller-Morrow Garage and left Charming, CA and never looked back. At this point my dad had died and I was living off his life insurance money. He had the good sense to take out a pretty large policy. I put my dad's house on the market and when it sold I put the cash in the bank. Six months later I ended up here and the rest is history." After I finish I pick up the shot Jerzy poured and down it.

Genesis is sitting next to me not saying anything. Jerzy is behind the bar looking at me with sympathetic eyes. I run my hands over my face as if maybe I can erase everything I just said. I turn to look at Gen and she is looking at me, eyes about to spill over with tears.

"All these years" she says before choking up and then shakes her head. "All these years you've lived thinking you were responsible for an innocent baby's death, that the love of your life blamed you. I knew you had secrets, pain. But this Grace?"

"I know, I'm sorry I told you. I just need to…"I say.

"Grace, stop." She cuts me off. "Do not apologize to me. What I was going to say is I wish you had felt you could tell me sooner. I can't imagine the pain you've felt, the nightmares you live with." She grabs my hand. "Grace, you are my best friend. No matter what. I love you and I will always support you."

I stand and hug her tight. I have no idea how I got so lucky to have a friend like her, but if I can help it, I am never letting go.

"Alright girls, now that we are all crying and in love" Jerzy says with a laugh. "What's the plan?"

I sit back down and look to the woman who has become like a mother to me in such a short time.

"Jerzy, I have absolutely no idea." I say.

Genesis looks confused. So I explain.

"The group that owns this club is the Nevada charter of Sons of Anarchy. The same club that Jax is part of. The same club that haunts my dreams and now they are coming here."

"Damn" she whispers. "There is no way you can't be here the next 3 days."

"I know." I say. "That's why we are here to talk to Jerzy." I look to Jerzy and she looks at Gen's confused face and laughs.

"I'm sorry sweetheart we are dumping a whole lot on you right now" she says as she pats Gen's hand. "But I'm about to add a little more to your plate."

She proceeds to tell Genesis an abbreviated version of her past, her connection to the MC world and how she is actually a partial owner of the club. She thankfully leaves out the details of her past connection to me.

When Jerzy is done, Genesis looks like she might be in shock. I gently squeeze her shoulder and offer a supportive smile.

"You did say we all have our secrets right?" I say with a wink.

"This place is even crazier than I thought" she says with a laugh as she reaches for her shot on the bar.

"Alright now that I am up to speed" Genesis says and then turns to me "I am up to speed right? There isn't anything else I need to know?"

"No, honey, that's everything" I say with a laugh.

"Okay, now that I know what I need to, what do we do?" Genesis says looking back and forth between me and Jerzy.

"I honestly don't know. Jerzy, what do you think?" I ask.

"You want my honest answer, because I don't think you're gonna' like it" she says. I take a deep breath and nod. She continues "I think I need to call Jury."

I look down at my hands on the bar and slowly close my eyes. Four years I've managed to avoid my past. Four years I've made sure no one knew who I really was, what past sins I had committed. Four years I have kept the pain of losing everything that truly mattered in my life locked deep inside. Now, that pain is coming back for me and if I am going to make it out the other side of the next few days I am going to have to confront it head on. I can't hide anymore.

I raise my eyes to Jerzy "Okay."

About an hour later Jury walks in. Jerzy meets him at the door and takes him to a booth to sit down. We agreed she was going to fill Jury in before he and I talked, she thought it would be easier that way. Now I'm not so sure. I'm sitting at the bar, Genesis is holding my hand and I can feel Jury's eyes on me. I can't look his way. I can't see the judgement, the scorn, the blame in his eyes. The same eyes that just days ago looked me with admiration when I sang.

"Tara?" I hear Jury say softly. I didn't even hear him walk up. I look up at him with fear and questioning in my eyes and am shocked by what I see looking back at me. He isn't angry, he isn't judging me. He is crying. He reaches for me and pulls me into a hug so tight I can barely breathe. "Oh Tara, I should have known it was you. How could I have been so blind?" He mumbles into my hair.

After a few minutes we separate and sit down at a table. Neither of us saying anything, not sure where to begin.

I decide I need to start this conversation. "I'm sorry Jury. I know I've put you in a really awkward position. I know this is your club and if you want me gone I completely understand. I have loved working here, but I am sure that now that you know who I really am…" I trail off.

"Tara, are you kidding me? There is no way I want you to leave. Why would I?" He asks with genuine sincerity.

"I just thought with everything that happened in Charming, with Abel, that you might not want me around as a reminder especially this weekend with everyone from SAMCRO here." I say.

He takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly, like he's stalling, trying to figure out how to say something.

"Okay, let's see if I can figure out how to tell you what I need to say. What happened with Abel was not your fault." I open my mouth to speak and he holds his hand up to cut me off, so I close my mouth. "I know you think it was, and I know that Gemma tried damn hard to make Jax see it that way too. You two kids were so crazy in love, but when that shit with Abel happened it broke you both and Gemma saw her chance to get you out of the picture. You were always a threat to her plans, giving Jax ideas about trying to move SAMCRO in a more legit direction, reminding her way too much of all the things she grew to hate about his father. In a different state of mind, you both may have been able to fight her, but as broken as you both were, you never stood a chance."

He stops and looks at me. I know I should probably say something, but I can't. As much as I want to argue with him, I can't. I know Gemma wanted me gone, wanted Jax to follow in Clay's corrupt footsteps and keep SAMCRO going down a very dark path. I knew all of that when Jax and I came back into each other's lives, and I was working toward acceptance of it when shit just went sideways after Abel.

Jury must realize I'm not going to say anything because he continues.

"Look honey I know you may never agree with me about this. You have had years to live with the pain, the self-hatred and doubt, and I can't possibly undo that with a few words. But I need you to know that the only person who ever really blamed you for Abel's death was you." He looks at me with a deep honesty in his eyes and I know he believes what he says, but he doesn't know about that last night Jax and I spent together. The night I will never forget.

"Thank you Jury. You can't know how much your words mean to me." I say and I reach across the table to place my hand on top of his. "But as much as I appreciate your words, there is a really good chance there will be some people here this weekend that don't agree with you and there is no way I can hide who I am in the face of Clay or Gemma or Opie or Jax."

"You're right, you can't and I don't want you to. You have nothing to hide from sweetheart. You are a strong woman who is fighting her way out of a very dark place. Life isn't about how we fall down, it's about how we get up and you are getting up stronger you just don't know it yet" Jury says with a confidence I wish I felt.

"Jury, I just don't think I can do it. I mean, I can face Clay and it will be good to see Opie again. Gemma, well I'll just make sure to wear my thick skin. But Jax? I don't think I can handle looking into his eyes seeing the hatred and blame I know I will see there." I say.

"Well I think I can put your mind at ease a little then" he says and I look at him confused. "After you left, Jax completely fell apart. He wouldn't talk to anyone, even Opie. He shut everyone out. He got reckless, starting making really stupid decisions. About a year after you left they were making a run and Jax got drunk on the overnight stop as usual. He left the bar early to head back to the motel but was so drunk he really shouldn't have been riding. There was a crash." Jury stops talking and I see a profound sadness in his eyes. I can't breathe.

"Jury, please tell me what happened. Was Jax hurt? Is Jax…" I can't even finish that sentence. The idea that Jax might have been seriously hurt or even killed and I didn't know. I think I'm going to be sick.

Jury must see the panic on my face because he comes around the table and sits next to me.

"Slow down Tara, Jax is still alive. In fact, he was barely injured at all. The problem was, his recklessness caused a major crash and someone else was killed. He was charged with DUI manslaughter with gross negligence. Given his criminal record and association with SAMCRO, he saw the writing on the wall. If I'm being honest, I think he had been looking for a way to punish himself for a while and this gave him the chance he wanted. He plead guilty and was sentenced to 8 years in federal prison. With good behavior he should be out soon." Jury stops talking and looks at me.

I can't believe what I just heard. How did I not know this? I starting reading the Charming Times online for exactly this reason, but I just started doing that about 2 years ago. I couldn't bring myself to even think of Charming before that. How selfish have I been? I can't imagine what Jax has been going through.

"Have you seen him in prison Jury? How is he?" I ask.

"He's refused to see pretty much anyone, even Gemma. He served Wendy with divorce papers not long after he went in and refused to see her other than in court to finalize the divorce. Only person he's talked to since he went in is Opie."

I just can't wrap my head around all of this. What happened to Jax? I thought my leaving would help. Not having to face me every day knowing that he blamed me for Abel's death was supposed to make things easier for him. This was not supposed to happen.

"I don't know what to say Jury. I had no idea about any of this. When I left Charming I did it for myself sure, I wanted to escape the painful memories, but I also did it for Jax. I knew he blamed me for Abel's death even if he couldn't say it and I didn't want to force him to say it, so I left. If I had known…" I'm not even sure how to finish that sentence. Would I have done anything differently if I knew what would become of Jax if I left?

"None of us can know the future Tara. We make the best choices we can with the information we have and then we live with the consequences. Now you have another choice to make. Do you stay and face those choices from you past, or do you run?" Jury lets the question hang while he waits for my answer.

"I've spent a lot of my life running Jury. I ran from Charming twice now and both times there have been some pretty serious consequences. I've built a life for myself here in Reno. I have friends, family here" I say as I look at Genesis and Jerzy laughing and talking at the bar. "I don't want to run anymore. If that means I face the wrath of Gemma then so be it. At least I won't have to face Wendy" I say with a smile, but when I look at Jury he isn't smiling back.

"What is it?" I ask with trepidation.

"Well, it's about Wendy" he stops and I nod at him encouraging him to continue. "The thing is, you will probably still have to face her."

"What, why? You said Jax divorced her." I say.

"He did, but you know how some women are. Once they have a taste of the life, they can't let it go. After Jax divorced her, she and Gemma bonded over his rejection of them both. Gemma took her under her wing and helped her find a way to stick around. Gemma's always liked having a puppet around and Wendy is a perfect one. Wendy went back to her croweater ways until eventually she got her hooks locked into another brother. The poor sucker had no idea what hit him. They got married about 2 years ago." Jury says.

"She married another SAMCRO guy? Who would be crazy enough to marry her after Jax?" I ask.

"Juice, she married Juice" he says. I just stare at him dumbfounded. Well this just got interesting.