Chapter 11
Author's Note: This chapter contains more profanity than previous chapters and also contains more adult themes including sexual encounters and drug use. Please keep that in mind as you read. Thanks!
You can still be dead
With a beating heart
And a pounding chest
~Eminem
After the "big reveal" yesterday at the club, Genesis and I were in need of some serious girl time. We went back to our apartment and spent the rest of the day being complete bums. We put on sweats, ate junk food, drank wine and watched as much bad TV as we could find. I even agreed to watch the Kardashians because it made me feel like my life was a little less fucked up right now. Gen actually made me feel like just another girl hanging out with a friend for a few hours. I will never figure out how she does it, but she always makes me feel better, normal. Now I'm going to repay her with more chaos and drama in the next few days than she can imagine.
These thoughts are what have me up at 7am running through the desert. I just can't shake the feeling of dread that is living in my stomach right now. Even after an hour in the desert I am still at a loss for how to handle the next three days. I find a spot under a tree and sit down in the shade. I decided when I left Charming that if I was going to survive leaving Jax behind, I needed to leave every piece of him behind. In order to do that I had to leave my heart behind and I was okay with that. I knew the day I left Charming I wouldn't need it anymore. But when the time finally came to leave, I packed one small lock box that has lived under my bed for the past 4 years, unopened. I took the box out to show Genesis the picture of Abel a few weeks ago and since then have been trying to find the courage to do what I need to do. I know that even if I don't have to face Jax, I have to face my past. I take a small journal out of my pocket and begin to page through it seeing words I've never read.
Today we brought you home from the hospital Abel. You are so small, so beautiful. I never knew that I could love anyone as much as I love Tara, but you son, you have shown me that there is a whole other level of love. Just the thought of what you have been through already in your short life makes me want to hold you forever and never let go. The anger I have towards Wendy for what she put you through will never go away, but I take comfort in knowing that you will know the love of a true mother. She may not know it yet, but you and I know the truth don't we son? You will call no woman but Tara mother and we are both better off for it. She will save us both.
As I read page after page there are tears streaming down my face. The hope in his words, the faith he had in me shows in the confident strokes of the pen. I let him down, I let them both down. I was nobody's savior.
The next page stops me cold.
We buried you today son. Sitting on your bedroom floor and I'm not sure why I'm still writing in this god damn book. I guess because it lets me pretend that you are still here, that one day you will read these words and know what is truly in my soul, the kind of man I wanted to be for you. Now you are gone and I am not sure what kind of man I am. Am I a man who will make it through this? Am I a man who will let pain and loss eat away his soul until there is nothing left like my father did? Will I become Clay? John? Or someone entirely new? I cling to what I hope will keep my soul from becoming completely black, my love for you and the adoration I saw in your eyes. The peace and gentleness there.
His writing is different now, less crisp, less clean, his sorrow practically screaming off the page at me. Taunting me because I know the truth, I did this, I failed him and in the process destroyed him.
I read a few more pages and stop on the day of Donna's funeral.
We buried your Aunt Donna today. I can't look my best friend in the eyes, all I see there is despair. I can't look Tara in the eyes because I have this secret eating away at my soul a little at a time and I can't say it out loud. If I look in her eyes she will know I am hiding something, so instead I shut her out. I know she senses the change, but I can't tell her the truth. My fear is she thinks the problem is her, but she is so wrong. I just need to figure out how to make things right for Opie, for the club. Then I can make things right for Tara and me. I just need her to hold on a little longer. We will make it through if we can just hold on to each other a little bit longer.
What secret is he talking about? Why didn't he just talk to me? What could have been so bad that he couldn't talk to me and how could he ever make things right for Opie? Losing Donna destroyed him. The biggest regret I had in leaving Charming outside of Jax was leaving Opie. He was my family and I walked away, but I was no good for anyone in those days. Not sure I am in these days either, but I'm trying.
I read a few more pages and come to the last entry before I left Charming.
Today I realized that I am fighting a losing battle Abel. There is no justice for Opie. There is no saving SAMCRO. There is no hope for making things better, right. I am trapped in a world run by men consumed by hatred and greed, but I now know there is no other world for me. I thought I could fix things, make things the way they were meant to be. Go back to the ideals of brotherhood and family and a SAMCRO ruled by bonds of love not violence. But that SAMCRO doesn't exist, and for me there is no life outside of SAMCRO even if I want one. I look at your mommy and I see a woman who has lost sight of who she is. The despair I feel is reflected back to me in her empty eyes. I know she blames herself for your loss. Losing you broke her, it broke us both, but I still thought I could find a way to be the father you deserved and the man she deserves. Now I know that isn't true. I am so sorry son.
Gone is the bold, broad lettering of a man who believes he can change the world and in its place is the scrawl of a man who has been broken by the hand life has dealt him. I sob as I finally realize the truth. Reading his words, I know we never stood a chance. We were both so lost in the darkness there was no light left to cling to.
I close the notebook and put it in my pocket. I lean against the tree and close my eyes. My mind immediately takes me back to the last conversation I had with Jax. Funny how even my own subconscious mind likes to torture me.
"Hey babe, you ever wonder what the point is?" He asks me through eyes clouded by too much weed and whiskey as we lay in bed.
"The point of what?" I ask, more than a little confused in my own hazy state of mind.
"You know, all of this. I look at my day and realize I spent all of it cleaning up yesterday's shit, and I don't see it changing anytime soon. I look at Clay and I see what I am doomed to become, a bitter old man stuck on revenge and greed. Nothing can get me out. I thought I might have found a way to, ya' know, take SAMCRO in a new direction, but it's all bullshit. I got no hope of fixing this fucked up mess I'm in." His eyes are filled with so much sorrow, which is nothing new. What is new is the defeat breaking through the sorrow. I've never seen Jax look so broken, so hopeless. The confidence, the surety that he can make things right are gone. I don't know this Jax.
"Baby, what are you saying?" I ask as I roll onto to my side to look up at him more directly. When I do I see something unexpected, his eyes bright with unshed tears. I place my hand on hischeek and he leans into it then turns to kiss my palm and take my hand into his. I snuggle onto him and place my head on his chest as he cocoons me.
"I don't know, Tara, I just feel like this life is a dead end. I'm either gonna' be Clay or I'm gonna' end up dead. All I ever wanted growing up was a Harley and a kutte, but I didn't want it this way. The shit I've seen, the shit I've done…" he trails off and leans to the night stand to light a cigarette.
"Look Jax" I say as I sit up so I can look him in the eye again. "I know shit is really messed up right now. I know there is something going on you won't tell me. I need you to talk to me, I don't know how to help if you don't tell me what you need." As I finish speaking he wraps me in his arms and silent tears fall down my cheeks. I don't understand what's happening right now, but I feel like it's somehow life changing.
"I wish I could Tara" he whispers so softly I almost don't hear it.
After that we lay quietly together, neither of us wanting to sleep for fear of our demons. I will never know what made me say what I say next.
"Jax" I whisper. "When you look at me, what do you see?"
"What?" He asks, clearly confused by this line of questioning.
"What I mean is, I know what I see when I look in the mirror. What I think when I try to operate. What I need to know is, what do you see?" I say as I finally look up to see his piercing eyes burning straight through to my soul. As I hold his gaze I whisper "Do you blame me for Abel?"
He doesn't say anything, just looks away. I wait for a few minutes hoping he will answer, or at least look at me. I pray he tells me that he knows it isn't my fault, but how could he say that? After what feels like hours, I slowly stand. I get dressed and as I walk by him I look at him for what I know will be the last time. He feels my gaze and closes his eyes. I turn and walk out the door of his room for the last time.
My phone ringing pulls me out of the past. I look at the caller ID and see its Genesis.
"Hey girl. What's up?" I say as I shake my head trying to clear the fog.
"Grace, where the hell are you? I woke up and you were gone. I figured you were running but it's been 3 hours!" she yells into the phone.
"Slow down Gen, I'm sorry. I was running then I stopped to think for a bit. I'm heading back now. I'll see you in a few" I say.
"Okay" she mumbles.
I'm about to hang up when I say "Hey Gen, thanks for worrying."
"Yeah okay, just get your ass home" she laughs.
"Love you too Gen" I say with a smile and hang up as I start to run home.
A half hour later I walk into the apartment and Gen is on the couch. I sit down next to her. After a minute I elbow her playfully and she scowls at me. I elbow her again and she tries to growl at me but ends up laughing instead. We both end up giggling like school girls and she pulls me into a hug. When we finally pull apart she keeps ahold of my shoulders a makes me face her.
"Look Grace, I know we are in the middle of some serious horse shit, but you can't shut me out. If we are going to survive this mess, we have to stick together. I love you like a sister and I will be there for you until my dying breath, if you will let me…" she trails off.
I look at her my eyes wet with tears "I promise. No more disappearing, no more shutting people out. I'm done running. Time to woman up and face my demons head on." I say.
"That's my girl" she says with a smile. "In the interest of honesty, I gotta' tell you something." I look at her brows furrowed in question. She leans in and whispers "You really stink, go take a shower" and breaks into laughter again.
"Oh my god girl, you scared the shit outta me." I say as I laugh.
"Seriously go shower" she says as she playfully pushes me off the couch.
"I'm going, I'm going" I say and go into my room to shower.
An hour later as I am pacing my room I realize I just need to go into the club. I am making myself crazy and if I'm at the club I can at least get a better idea of what I'm dealing with. I walk into the living room and Genesis' bedroom door is still closed.
"Gen, I'm gonna' head in early. I want to make a few tweaks to my costume for tonight and go over my set list with the DJ again. You okay driving in alone?" I call through her closed door.
She pokes her head out, hair wrapped in a towel. "You sure you're okay to go in alone?" She asks with genuine concern.
"Yeah girl, I'm good. Remember, face these demons head on." I say with what I hope is convincing smile.
"You ain't fooling anyone with that smile sweetheart" she says with a laugh. "But I am nowhere near ready so if you're going now you're going alone. Sorry."
"Seriously Gen, I'm good. I'll see you there" I say as I pick up my bag and she turns to close her door.
As I walk out the door I take a deep breath and steel my resolve. I got this.
I pull in the parking lot of the club and it feels like a cross between a campground, a music festival and a vehicle sales lot. Everywhere I look there are tents, Harleys and vans and there is music blaring from somewhere. I pull around to the back of the building and go in the employee entrance, careful to keep my head down. I may be ready to face my demons, just not when I look like Tara. Time to put on my Grace armor, then I can do battle.
I walk into the club and don't see anyone. I saw Jameson and Declan's cars in the lot, but don't see either of them in here. I'm shocked I don't see Jerzy either. Hopefully she's off somewhere having some fun, if anyone deserves it, it's her. Just as long as she's back soon because there is no way I'm making it through the next three days without her in my corner.
I start walking back to the dressing rooms when I notice Jameson's office door is open. I never did talk to him after the other night and as fucked up as my life is right now, it sounded like his could be even worse. Before I even make the decision to talk to him now, my feet start taking me that direction. As I get closer to his office I hear voices coming out.
"Jesus Christ Jameson, what are you thinking?" I hear Declan whisper yell. "Have you lost your fucking mind?"
"What are you my fucking mother?" Jameson says with a bitter voice I've never heard from him before. "I'm a god damn adult and I can do whatever the hell I want with my life. If I want to fuck a whore, drink a beer or even get stoned every night I can, and not you or anybody else is gonna' fucking stop me."
What the hell is going on? I move a little closer but don't really need to. They are both yelling so loud now I could hear them across the bar.
"Damn it Jameson, this is exactly how it started before. One drink, one snort and before I knew it you were gone. You want that life again?" Declan says in a controlled growl.
"You don't know shit about my life Declan! You have no idea what lives in my head, the demons I barely keep on a leash. If I want to blow off steam with a few drinks or a little weed I will" Jameson says.
I'm close enough now to see into the office and I can see Jameson fill a glass and down what must be at least a triple shot of whiskey.
"A few drinks or some weed?" Declan asks with a sarcastic sneer. He crosses the room and I think he might actually hit Jameson, but instead he grabs Jameson's arm and pushes up his sleeve. "Since when do you shoot up alcohol and weed?" He says as he turns and stalks out of the office.
Declan doesn't see me as he walks straight to the front door. I glance back into Jameson's office and for a moment I think I see regret flash in his eyes, but it's so quick I'm not sure. He reaches for the bottle on his desk and empties it into his glass before he throws the bottle across the room. The crash makes me jump. Now is definitely not the time to talk to him.
I'm in my dressing room a while later trying to get ready and my hands are still unsteady. I decide to try my hair first since I keep poking myself in the eye trying to do my makeup. I am tucking my hair into a black chin length bob wig that has royal purple and scarlet highlights scattered throughout it when Gen walks in.
"Going steampunk tonight I see" she says with a chuckle.
"Yes ma'am going with my strongest armor tonight." I love the steampunk costumes. The bold colors, the metallic touches, it makes me feel strong and tonight I need that.
Gen gets started with her makeup and I go back to trying to put my makeup on. Having Genesis here settles me a bit and my hands are less shaky as I apply foundation and powder. No blush tonight, the costume looks better if I keep the makeup tones muted. I add black eyeliner to my top and bottom lids, a cream metallic silver eyeshadow and black and silver false lashes. I finish it off with a metallic broze matte lipstick.
"So, how do I look?" I ask Gen with a smile.
"Damn girl you need to bring out the big guns more often" she laughs. "You look hot! Are you wearing a mask tonight?" She says with hesitation in her voice.
"I have one" I say as I hold up the red, purple and black mask "but I'm not sure if I'm going to wear it or not."
I walk to the closet and get my costume out. I put on my panty hose first, then slide up the red lace boy shorts before I put on the black and red halter corset. The corset has a silver metallic fleur de lis pattern that starts near my left shoulder and crosses to my right hip and a detachable black and scarlet feather half skirt that drapes over my ass and hangs to just above my knee. I finish with my favorite boots. Black leather that go up to just below my knee with 4 innch chunky heels. They have steel fleur de lis buttons up the front and rivets that stick out from the heel.
I walk to my vanity and double check my makeup before adding earrings that look like the gears of a pocket watch. My hand hovers over the mask, my mind spinning. I close my hand and turn to leave, but then change my mind and grab the mask before I leave the room. Just not there yet. I catch Gen's eyes as I leave the room and she gives me a small smile. I nod and head out to face my ghosts.
There aren't many people in the club yet. I stand in the doorway and look around for familiar faces but see none. I glance up at Jameson's office door and see it closed. Hope he can keep his shit together tonight. The first girl is up on stage singing, it's Courvair the new girl I saw the other night. As I walk to the bar we make eye contact and I give her a supportive smile and nod. Four girls sing before our group dance and then I'm up right after that. Gen is right before the group number.
I sit down at the bar and ask Jerzy for a water. I need to keep my mind clear tonight.
She hands me the glass and addresses me with knowing eyes. "How you doing tonight Grace?"
"You know what Jerzy, I'm really okay. I thought I was going to panic but I'm not."
As I finish my sentence the door opens and Jury walks in followed by several members of his charter I met when I sang for them. Jury walks over to the bar as his brothers sit at a table. He leans in and kisses my cheek then whispers "Just a head's up SAMCRO is here. Whole charter, minus Jax of course. Several old ladies with them too." He pulls his head back, asks Jerzy for a beer and walks over to join his brothers.
Okay, so much for okay. Jerzy must see the panic in my eyes because she hands me a shot of tequila. She notices my reluctance to reach for the glass.
"Sweetheart one shot isn't going to hurt you. I know you want to stay sharp tonight, but right now you look like a virgin at a prison rodeo so you need to calm down a little bit" she says with a laugh.
I laugh and take the shot. We sit quietly as more Sons members enter the club. As Genesis takes the stage and I stand to head backstage to prep for the group number, my nightmare walks through the door. Clay and Gemma, Bobby, Chibs, Tig, Happy, Opie with a woman I don't know, several guys who must be newer members or prospects and at the end of the line Juice and Wendy. My breath catches at the sight of them. I have an indescribable urge to run to Opie, to let him know I'm here and to hold him as tight as I can, but instead I take a deep breath and turn away. I just need to get through tonight, after that, who knows.
Gen kills it and the group number goes off without a hitch. The crowd is of course going nuts after the group number. Ten half-dressed woman singing and dancing to Fever, I Wanna be Loved by You and Blood Sugar Sex Magik will do that. Needless to say my solo performance is going to be for a bunch of sexed up bikers and a few irritated old ladies. Lucky me.
There's a 15 minutes break after the group performance and then I'm up. I managed to avoid looking at the table SAMCRO is at during the group performance and I'm hoping to do that now to, but I know that's naïve. If I avoid a whole area of the bar it will look ridiculous.
The curtain goes up and my first song starts. Riders on the Storm. Easy to dance to and easy to sing. I can do it without thinking and as my eyes scan the bar that's pretty much what I am doing. The next song starts. Please Mr. Jailer. I don't know what possessed me to pick this song, it just seemed ironic and fitting for tonight. The crowd of course goes nuts. Just as I get into the song, my eyes lock with Opie's across the bar. For a moment I think I see recognition but then it's gone, thank god. I finish the song and two more before my last one. Falling in Love is so Hard on the Knees. As I end my set the crowd is pretty amped up. I glance toward SAMCRO and while the guys are all cheering no one seems abnormally focused so I think I'm still safe.
I leave the stage and go to my dressing room to talk to Gen.
"Well I survived" I say with a laugh as I walk in.
She laughs too. "I'm glad, I would be devastated if I lost you to death by song."
I touch up my makeup and we go out to work the floor. I carefully avoid SAMCRO and spend a lot of time at Jury's table. Being around him makes me feel a little safer. A few hours later things are wrapping up and I'm thinking I'm in the clear when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around and my knees begin to buckle, I catch myself just before I fall.
"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you" says a voice I never thought I'd hear again. I look up, way up, into familiar eyes. Opie.
"You didn't scare me darlin', it's the boots" I say with a smile and a wink. "What can I do for you honey?"
"I just wanted to see you up close" he says as his eyes move up and down my body. At first I think he is checking me out, but when his eyes meet mine it isn't lust I see, but curiosity. Shit.
"Like what you see?" I say trying to cover my nerves with flirting. He came in with a woman, maybe if I flirt enough she'll come over and get him before he can figure out something I'm not ready for him to know.
"You just remind me of someone I used to know. Someone I haven't seen in a long time" he says in a soft voice.
"Oh, really? Was she someone special to you?" I ask seductively. This conversation needs to end now. I look around for help but Jerzy and Gen are both busy and Jury already left.
"She was, but not in the way you're thinking. She wasn't my girl or anything, just someone I loved. Anyway, I don't know what I was thinking. No way I'd find her here." He says with a sad smile. "Good show tonight." With that he turns and walks away. I almost call out to him. His eyes are so sad and I hate seeing him this way. He was always so good to me, we were family. I'm sure Jax being in prison is hard on him, but that can't be the only thing making him look so lost, can it?
I go backstage to my dressing room to change and wash my face. An hour later I am dressed in jeans, boots and a black fitted tank top. My hair is tucked into a black baseball cap that I have pulled low over eyes. Gen left a few minutes ago with some of the girls to go get some food but I wasn't up for socializing. She offered to stick around but I told her to go. I need some time to myself.
As I'm walking through the empty bar the smell of stale beer and smoke is everywhere. I don't envy the cleaning crew tonight. I hear a noise and look up to see Jameson's office light still on. Maybe I can talk to him now.
As I approach the door I hear voices again. What is with me and eavesdropping lately?
"Come on baby, just a little more?" I hear a female voice ask.
Jameson responds "You've had enough."
"Come on sugar, you know I'm good. I'll make it worth your while" the woman purrs.
"Alright, just a little" I hear Jameson slur back.
I take a few steps closer. I'm hidden in shadows, but I can see Jameson in his chair and a woman sitting on the desk with her back to me. He slides a needle into her arm and depresses the plunger. When he withdraws the needle he licks up her arm. The woman moans in satisfaction.
"Your turn" she says and takes Jameson's arm in her hands. She picks up another syringe and expertly returns the favor complete with a slow lick up his arm.
He leans back in his chair and she slides off the desk to the floor between his legs. I can see his face now. Eyes glazed over in a heroin induced haze, movements slow as he reaches for her head and pushes her face down. I want to walk away but for some reason I can't. This is like a train wreck I can't look away from. Who is this woman and what has she done to Jameson?
After a few minutes he pulls her up and bends her over the desk, yanks her pants down and slams his dick into her. She tries to turn and look at him, but he forces her face away from him and holds her head against the desk. Her hair is over her face but her moans tell me how much she is enjoying this. When Jameson finishes he quickly stands, zips his pants and sits in his chair. She stays still for a minute, then stands and turns to face him. She doesn't bother to fix her clothes.
"See baby, I knew you missed me" she says with a hollow laugh.
He just looks up at her, pulls her pants up to cover her and says nothing.
"You did miss me, didn't you?" she asks, her voice shaking a bit.
"Just get the fuck out" Jameson says harshly.
She turns to leave and I can see her face. Holy shit, it's Wendy? Jameson is fucking Wendy?!
I run down the stairs so she doesn't see me and head toward the employee entrance.
She walks down the stairs toward the front door.
I sit in my car for fifteen minutes with the windows down trying to calm my breathing. I can't believe what I just saw. I cannot, will not let Wendy destroy Jameson. She is poison, everything she touches falls apart. I don't know what I'm going to do, all I know is I will not let that junkie demolish everything my friend has worked so hard to achieve. As I pull around to the parking lot exit I see Wendy talking to the girl Opie is with. I can see her laughing as the girl looks away, obviously wishing she was anywhere else. I'm waiting at the exit to turn left and I chance one more glance back. I find Wendy's eyes on me. Our gazes meet and she smiles a sadistically sweet smile as her eyes waver between confusion and recognition.
At first I think I'm going to drive off before this goes any further, but then I change my mind. I take a deep breath. I'm done running. I take off the hat and let my hair down, then I turn back to face Abel's biological mother once more. Our eyes lock and her smile fades, quickly replaced with a scowl. I hold her gaze unblinking and she is the first to look away, down at her feet. When she looks my way again her face is a mask of confusion and false confidence. I still don't blink, don't smile, I just stare at her. I will not look away, I will not back down this time. After a minute Juice comes looking for her and I turn to face forward and pull out of the lot. Hurricane Wendy is not going to take down Jameson, game on bitch.