Valkyrie could barely walk in the heels she was assigned to. Her top speed was a sort of girly run that pinched her toes and wouldn't help her escape from anything- especially a vampire that was going to be in close proximity with her.

Sanguine had submitted his suggest revisal of the script for tonight after painstakingly crossing out each and every line and writing "No, not EVER" at the end. The author had been very amused and tittered pleasantly at him. Now she was giggling with the camera crew while Sanguine huddled in his chair dejectedly. Valkyrie wasn't sure what the Auth had done to him, but it was effective. She considered bottling it and using it whenever Dusk got too close, but no doubt that would get her slapped.

Being a fictional character sucked, she thought. And then she thought that if she spilled something on her dress, maybe the monstrosity about to take place would be postponed...?

She hurried over to Sanguine. "Hey. Do you have, like, coffee or something?"

He glared at her suspiciously. "If this is a prank, I want in."

"Sort of. I thought that if we ruined our clothes or something..."

"Did you see the big ol' moving van in the back, the one where they keep getting all the doughnuts?"

Valkyrie had.

"There's a couple of boxes of sugar-filled confectionaries, and the rest is filled with clothes. The same clothes we need to act in."

"What if we set the clothes on fire."

Sanguine chuckled. "That might be-"

"Alright guys, sun's almost setting!" The author shouted through her megaphone. Nobody could really tell what she was saying, but there was no other reason she would be shouting like that with a smile on her face.

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention where they were? Silly, clumsy me.

A breeze sweeps through Valkyrie's fluttering purple dress and covets the mud-covered river hundreds of feet below them. The sun begins to hide itself behind the horizon in anticipation of the impending problems with a vampire and nighttime, and yeah they're in the Grand Canyon because there are no canyons in Ireland.

Valkyrie swallowed nervously, glancing across the cliff at Dusk. He appeared relaxed, almost cheerful. That was never a good sign- Valkyrie had been watching him all day and he hadn't once produced a syringe.

Maybe if she jumped off the cliff, the river would break her fall? It would also ruin her dress, but that was a bonus for it not being soaked in Ancient blood. As Auth shooed her over to her starting position, she peeked over the edge.

The river was about fifty feet away from the edge. She wasn't going to make that jump, unless she suddenly learned how to fly like Skulduggery.

Dusk chuckled as she drew nearer, stumbling a little on the uneven ground. His teeth seemed to gleam softly in the fading light- they had undoubtedly been polished earlier this afternoon by a crack-team of super-powered dentists. Perhaps Cleavers. No doubt several of them had been killed in the process, unless Dusk had agreed to cooperate.

"Why the hell are you smiling?" Valkyrie hissed. The Auth animatedly checked the cameras one more time.

Dusk's grin widened. "Because I'm about to kill that miserable ugly bitch."

"Oh good." Valkyrie swallowed. "But you're going to kill me first, aren't you?"

"That's the idea."

"If you kill me but don't kill her, make sure that I don't come back to life as a clueless slut that can mind-read, use necromancy and fly, okay?"

"I'll keep it in mind. It might be amusing."

"Positions!" The Auth screamed. "We have to do this fast! Dusk, you've done your Heroin thing right?"

Dusk nodded, biting his lip to keep from laughing.

"Try to not act so giddily happy. You're supposed to be a badass, not a... giddy person. I'd have gotten Fletcher if I wanted giddy, but he's not manly enough for Valkyrie. She needs someone that can beat the crap out of her. And she needs to take it with a smile."

"That... that moral sounds kind of wrong. Are you sure you want to show this to impressionable young adults?" Sanguine asked.

"Why not? Stephanie Meyer did. ACTION!"

Valkyrie glanced desperately at the sun. It was almost gone.

"Cut! Valkyrie, your line is not look desperately at sun like it's a ticking bomb', it's 'eye Dusk with lusty youthy passion and say something throatily'. I don't really care what you say, as long as teenagers think it could be hot. ACTION!"

"Your biceps are huge! Kiss me!" Valkyrie stepped out of her shoes as Dusk began to hunch over- presumably with laughter.

"Stop referencing House Bunny! You're a badass, you can't be referencing frivolous nonsense like that! Hey, is Dusk oka... oh." The Auth tapped her watch, disappearing Star Trek style with a beam of blue light. The camera crew, Sanguine, and Valkyrie were left to fend for themselves.

Valkyrie launched herself off the cliff, cushioning the air below her as she fell and hoping that Dusk wouldn't jump after her. Sanguine was already behind the wheel of the fastest car, hightailing it out of there.

The camera crew did their best to capture the action as Dusk slaughtered them.

#

Miles away, in Ireland, Skulduggery and China shared a peaceful cup of tea- that is to say, China had a cup of tea- and relished the quiet while the Auth was away. Fletcher was off doing something unimportant.

"Weren't you going to look for a woman named Mary?" China asked. I'm not sure how their conversation got to this point, so I guess we can assume that they just started talking even though the tea is already ready to drink and at a temperature that is sippable, not to mention how they greeted each other and made their way to the table...

"A woman named Mary," China reiterated for our benefit.

"Well, she usually comes to me," Skulduggery admitted. "I'm much more of a pansy when I'm the one chasing the girl, who is usually either about Valkyrie's age or significantly older. I can also run from the ones chasing me and claim 'emotional trauma' instead of looking like a dirtbag."

China smiled. "I guess you really didn't need someone to pat your back?"

"What are you talking about? That didn't happen. You're so lucky that you're left alone much of the time."

"Well, that's going to be ending soon." China sighed. "I've heard through the grapevine that the Auth plans to pair me... with Fletcher."

Somewhere unimportant, Fletcher punched the air in celebration.

A/N: Oh snap! How will our beautiful seductress escape this stunning entanglement?

Also, this is going to veer a bit away from straight satire and head right into the AU/Metaphysical. I promise it will still make fun of all of you and also Twilight often enough to keep you interested, though.