A/N: Thank you to all of you who reviewed! I laughed my butt off at how many words you all added to -ward for Edward.

Well here is the look inside his head that you were promised. Be warned; poor guy is messed up and in some serious denial. Hope you enjoy this.

Oh and all these chapters are named after song titles. I'll post the song and artist on my profile if anyone is interested. I make no apologies for the bad language in this chapter. Edward has a dirty mouth and this story is rated M so he gets away with it. : )

A huge thanks to my amazing Beta, Edwardrocksmysocks, for being awesome enough to get this chapter back to me in only a couple of hours! You rock, girl!

S. Meyer owns Twilight...shocker, right?

Chapter 4

Better than Me

One monstrously bad idea; that about sums up my decision to come to Forks. The wind and the feel of the road beneath my tires was doing nothing to alleviate my stress as it usually does. I knew coming out here would be a gigantic mistake and yet somehow here I was.

I kissed her, and that would be my downfall.

I don't know what the hell came over me. She was just standing there, looking stunning in her disarray. Her skin was glowing from the effort of her run and her face was flushed with intensity.

She was so fierce and I couldn't remember a time since I'd known her that I had seen her speak that way to anyone. It was hot.

The moment my lips met hers I knew it was a mistake but, God help me, I couldn't stop.

I know she was upset by my actions but there was no way she could be more pissed at me than I am at myself. I mean how masochistic am I?

I had spent years perfecting the wall that was necessary to survive this life. Yet one look in those damn brown eyes and I could feel it all start to tumble down.

I wasn't delusional enough to believe I wasn't jaded. I knew damn good and well how jaded I was but it wasn't without reason; I had plenty of reasons.

There was a time in my life when I felt like I could trust women, well one woman, with my heart.

I was a damned fool and I learned the hard way that I was wrong. I had to look after myself and allowing someone to cause me that sort of pain was not an option, not anymore.

The year that I lived with Bella had been one of the happiest times of my life; in the same sense that your childhood is happy, you don't know any better. I had forced myself into a delusional existence that couldn't stand against the force of reality.

The day before I planned to propose to Bella was absolute hell on Earth. The day had begun with promise and ended with goodbye.

As soon as Bella had left to meet with Rose I got to work. I wanted to spend the entire day with her the following day so I needed to get everything together. I wanted to create a perfect day for Bella from start to finish, so I had a lot of work to do.

Everything had started off decent enough. I headed to the grocery store to grab a few things to make my mother's homemade cinnamon rolls that Bella loved for breakfast. My elaborate plan for a romantic day would begin with breakfast in bed.

After that, I made a quick run to the bookstore to pick up the new book she had been wanting to read. I had also planned on us spending that following afternoon cuddled up on our couch reading and just enjoying being near each other.

I had big plans for the evening when I would actually ask her to be my wife but I wanted to give Bella, not only a memorable night, but a day that she would always cherish.

I should have went home right after I stopped at the bookstore but I didn't.

Instead I went to a liquor store down the street to pick up an expensive bottle of champagne that we could hopefully use to celebrate after she accepted my proposal. I soon discovered, however, that I had inadvertently started the downfall of all my well thought out plans by this one choice.

I moved quickly through the store eager to get home so I could stash everything I had bought today. Without looking up I sat my bottle at the register and reached into my wallet to pull out my debit card. I heard the cashier speak and my heart stopped.

I don't know how I remembered her voice. It had been years since I had heard it but the second she spoke I knew it was my mother.

My eyes darted up quickly and I broke into a cold sweat. I waited for her to say something, but she didn't. I waited for the eyes that looked just like mine to show a hint of recognition but I saw nothing. She repeated the total and I numbly handed her my card.

I'm not sure if any words escaped me or how long it took me to walk out of the store. My mind was blurred with the realization that my own mother truly could care less.

I had known that already, but somewhere deep down I had worked out a narrative in which she would see me again,recognize me, apologize for her mistakes and beg for me to understand why she did what she did.

I had no intention of welcoming her back into my life no matter what the outcome but I at least deserved for her to recognize me. I had lived with her until I was eight for God's sake. To say I was rattled would have been the understatement of the year. I didn't know that I still felt any sense of abandonment until I saw her today. Now I felt it as strongly as I did the day she dropped me off.

I retreated as quickly as possible from the liquor store and headed down the street to place a to-go order at a local café that Bella and I enjoyed. I remember hoping so badly that she would be done with Rose soon. I hated the weakness that was overtaking me but I needed her so badly. I just needed to feel her in my arms and know that everything would be okay.

As I made my way into the restaurant I heard a familiar laugh that made my heart soar. My eyes scanned the room eagerly looking for Bella. I had no idea they would be eating here but I was glad they were so I could steal a second of her time. I knew Rose wouldn't be happy if I interrupted their girl time but I just needed to be near her if only for a second believing just that brief encounter would make my world alright again.

Damn, I was pathetic back then. I had put all my happiness on her and it wasn't fair to either of us.

My heart broke when I saw her sitting so carefree in the booth with Jacob Black. It felt like everything I had known and put my trust in crumbled at my feet. I had to walk away right then. If I stayed there for a second longer then I would have surely beat the mongrel to a pulp.

I ran quickly to the door, barely making it outside before I spilled the contents of my stomach onto the sidewalk. A million questions raced through my mind as I leaned against the brick building trying to pull myself together.

Surely there was a logical explanation. It couldn't have been what I thought it was. Bella wouldn't betray me like that.

But why would she lie?

She didn't tell me she was going to meet him. I wouldn't have been happy about it but I would have dealt with it.

Why would she lie?

A plethora of emotions coursed through my body as I threw myself in the car without my to-go order and drove to the one person I knew could help me.

I arrived at Emmett's small rental house in record time. I banged on his door repeatedly and, after five minutes of him not answering, I walked in.

Emmett was lying on the couch with a glass of brown liquid in his hand. The room was silent as I walked toward him. I knew something was really wrong. Emmett never drank this early.

"When someone doesn't answer the door it means go the fuck away."

I stalled at his words. I had never heard Emmett sound so angry or broken in my life. He was always so jovial and carefree. Whatever was bothering him seemed to have broken him down to someone else all together.

I walked toward the couch and threw his legs off the end earning a growl from him. I picked up the bottle of Jack Daniels on the coffee table and took a long pull from it. It was too early for Emmett to be drinking but I had just been rejected by my mother for a second time and witnessed my love having lunch with another man. Time didn't seem to matter.

"What the hell is going on?" I asked confused.

He huffed and refilled his glass.

"Nothing."

"Bullshit," I replied.

"Rose left," he answered gruffly.

"What do you mean she left?"

I didn't understand what the hell he was saying.

He sat up completely and threw his hands in the air in frustration.

"What part doesn't make sense Edward? We had had a fight and she left me; end of story," he slurred.

For the third time that day I realized I didn't know shit.

Rosalie and Emmett had always been a constant thing. Sure they bickered way too damn much but they were one of the few things I knew was a constant.

The sun would come up in the morning, Captain Crunch would scrape the roof of my mouth raw, and Rose and Emmett would always be together.

"Shit…" I mumbled eloquently.

"Tell me about it. Fucking stupid… Do you remember what I told you when Victoria left your ass? Don't let them close enough to break you 'cus they'll do it every damn time. Looks like I should have taken my own damn advice, huh little brother?" He laughed without a trace of humor.

I didn't know how to respond. I didn't understand how this day had gone to hell so quickly.

I sat there in silence feeling the ring I had been carrying around for a week weighing heavily in my pocket. Emmett looked at me for a second and shook his head.

"Damn dude. You know what? Don't listen to me. I'm sure Bella would never do anything like this to you. I just don't know what to do," he rambled.

As bad as it sounds, I was in no condition to offer my brother any form of encouragement or comfort and clearly he wasn't able to offer me any.

I left his house without telling him anything about my day and headed home with his words still ringing in my head.

It wasn't the first time he'd warned me about getting in too deep with a woman but that was before he and Rose got over their hang ups and got together.

Was anything ever permanent? Despite my mother leaving me and then Victoria, I had somehow managed to get my shit together and realized that Bella was who I was meant to be with.

However, after everything that happened that day I questioned it all.

I was already completely lost in my head by the time Bella arrived home. She didn't mention Jacob at first and that set me off. I spoke to her more harshly than I ever had before.

She told me there was nothing going on between Jacob and how I acted toward her then I still, to this day, believe that she told me the truth.

She might think that I left because I thought she was unfaithful but she would be wrong.

I left her because I had given her everything I had and with that, the power to destroy me.

I had allowed myself to become weak and dependent and I should have known better. Even though she hadn't done anything that day to truly betray me, she would have eventually.

One morning she would wake up and realize she didn't want me, that she could do better. I knew if I didn't get out now there was no way in hell I would survive that.

I had loved both my mother and even Victoria in some way, yet both of them walked out on me without so much as batting a fucking eye.

As much as those losses had hurt, I knew Bella leaving me would devastating beyond anything I had experienced and I couldn't risk that type of pain.

Yet, here I was three years later already setting myself up for imminent pain. The kiss was a very bad idea. Even without that I knew I would still be pulled to her call, like a siren luring me to a painful fate against a rocky shore.

I couldn't let her get to me anymore. This was it. I left her for a reason and I wasn't going back on that now.

Hell it was probably the smartest move I had ever made.

My only regrets were allowing myself to be as attached to her as I had been and for the look in her eyes when I told her we were over.

Well that wasn't really my only regret. I also regret sleeping with her before I left her.

Even I know that was an asshole move, but I couldn't help it. I needed to feel her one last time. I needed that connection; something to hold on to once I let her go forever. Yeah I was definitely pathetic then.

I might have second guessed my worries about Bella leaving me one day if she had actually put up even a bit of a fight to keep me from leaving. I expected her to do something. She could have yelled or tried to get me to change my mind, anything to show me that she was actually invested in us.

The fact that she took it so passively was only further proof that I had been right and she would have eventually deserted me just like those before her.

I pulled back hard on the gas to let the sounds of the road suppress my inner ramblings. I drove past familiar sights and gunned it a little more when I realized that each of the old, run down places in this town possessed some memory of us.

I decided that I was done letting her get to me. She was just a woman, I knew plenty of women. I didn't need this. In a week's time, if not sooner, I would be back in New York where shit made sense and I would no longer have to worry about a weak childhood infatuation biting me in the ass. From now on I was simply going to practice avoidance. I would be around her as little as possible and anxiously await my departure.

My ride was interrupted by my phone vibrating in my pocket. I never took a phone on rides. The best part about being on a bike was being away from reality and being unreachable. I guess, in my haste to get the hell out of that house, I had forgotten to leave it behind.

After a couple seconds of debate, I finally pulled my bike over to the side of the road and checked my missed call.

I didn't want to call the number back when I read the screen but I ripped my helmet off of my head and hit talk.

"What Rose?" I said a little too harshly.

"Because I'm in a hurry, I'm going to let your tone slide for now. I need you go to Port Angeles for me."

I sighed loudly but figured it would give me more time on my bike.

"Fine, I'm out riding now so I'll head that way. Where am I going?"

She huffed loudly before answering. I could almost hear her rolling her eyes at me.

"First you're going back to your parent's house to pick up Bella because I need her to go to the dress shop for her final fitting."

Hell no, my brain screamed.

"Sorry Rose, I have no desire to watch Bella try on dresses, she's on her own."

"First of all, yes you do. Second of all, I don't care about you being with her. I just need her to have a vehicle to get here. So would you rather her drive your Harley or take your Vanquish that's in your parent's garage."

Her smug tone seeped through the phone.

She knew she had me. I didn't let anyone drive the Vanquish and Bella couldn't drive the motorcycle even if I wanted her to.

"Well I know you and Emmett are busy but can't mom or Alice take her?" I asked hopefully.

"Nice try, Carlisle and Esme have work and Alice and Jasper are supposed to meet up with his parent's this afternoon. Some people do care about seeing their families every once in a while Edward," she replied with fake cheer.

I ground my teeth together and took a deep breath to calm myself.

"Rose I really don't need a lecture right now and I really don't want to take Bella all the way to Port Angeles," I said with a tight jaw.

"And I really don't give a shit. Have Bella at the shop on Fifth and Pine as soon as possible," she demanded before she hung up on me giving me no chance to argue any further.

"Damn it," I yelled as I put my helmet back on my head.

Maybe I'll start avoiding Bella tomorrow.

I pulled up to the house not long after the call and stomped my way inside trying not to notice how childish I was being.

I walked in the door and saw Bella asleep on the couch with a video game controller resting on her stomach.

God she was still so beautiful, probably more beautiful than she was as a teenager.

What was with me and watching this woman sleep? I moved to nudge her shoulder but, after the way she acted toward me earlier, I figured I had better not press my luck. I turned and slammed the living room door loudly.

Bella startled and sat upright on the sofa.

"Oh good, you're up," I said as I tossed her shoes to her and waited.

She looked at me like I was the last person she wanted to see.

"Um, where am I going?" She asked frowning.

"We are going to Port Angeles so you can get fitted for your dress," I said annoyed, though I wasn't sure why.

"I'm not going anywhere with you. I'll go alone," she huffed.

I raised my eyebrows at her and waited for the fact that she flew here to click. When it did, her face dropped in defeat.

"You won't let me drive the Aston Martin will you?" She asked though she already knew the answer.

I smirked at her, though I knew it would only irritate her more.

"Not a chance."

Her frustration grew as she roughly grabbed her purse and threw it over her shoulder.

"Well, it's nice to see that some things haven't changed," she bit as she stumbled through the door.

"My thoughts exactly," I chuckled, earning a glare from Bella.

The ride to Port Angeles was awkward to say the least. We rode without speaking. The radio played and anytime a song came on that I liked Bella would change the station.

It was my car and I could have put an end to her childish antics but I decided to just let it go.

We finally arrived at the dress store and entered without speaking. The older woman behind the counter rushed around to greet us as the door chimed.

"Hello, you must be Bella. Rosalie told me you'd be here soon."

"Yes, I'm Bella. I believe I'm supposed to be getting fitted for my maid of honor gown."

"Yes dear, I have it right here. Rosalie was pretty sure of your size so hopefully we'll just have to do some minor alterations," she smiled.

I stood there, not knowing what to do or say. It took a moment before the woman noticed me.

"Oh how rude of me, I'm Lucille," she said extending her hand which I shook it gently as I introduced myself.

She leaned over and winked at Bella.

"So handsome, he's a keeper honey," she grinned.

"I thought that too," Bella said with a big fake smile that made me drown in guilt.

Apparently Lucille didn't notice the past tense because she just smiled wider and took Bella back to the dressing room.

I sank into an oversized chair and waited for this to end. While I waited, I texted Tanya to make sure there was no business that needed my immediate attention.

"Oh honey you look beautiful," I heard Lucille sigh.

I looked up and saw Bella standing in a dark crimson dress that fell just below her knees. The neckline plunged low enough to show just the most subtle amount of cleavage. Bella blushed at the compliment as she stepped up in front of the mirror.

"Beautiful," I murmured.

"What was that dear?" Lucille asked as she inspected the back of Bella's dress like I was.

"Nothing, I was just wondering how long this is going to take?" I lied.

"It shouldn't take too much longer. Rosalie seemed to know this one's body pretty well."

I nodded and bit back the inappropriate comment that threatened to emerge from my lips. I watched Bella more than I should have as the dress was pulled and pinned.

I was pulled out of my self-destructive tendencies by the ringing of my phone.

"Hey Tanya, miss me already?" I asked with a laugh.

"Please, these have been the most peaceful couple of days I have had in years."

"Yeah whatever, you love me," I teased as I excused myself and stepped outside.

"Sure, sure. I just wanted to let you know your bags should be there by this evening. I've also made a few changes to your schedule but nothing that has to be discussed right now."

"Thanks so much for everything T. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Probably live in a van down by the river." she laughed.

"You're probably right," I laughed.

"Well I'll see you when I get home; talk to you later."

I hung up and turned to see Bella shove past me.

"I'm done," she muttered as she stormed to the car.

"Fantastic," I sighed as I followed her.

A part of me enjoyed getting her riled up but right now I really just wanted to see her smile, and that scared me.

"So…are you excited for the wedding?" I asked, realizing how lame my attempt at a conversation was a second after the words left my lips.

Bella turned her head slowly in my direction and looked at me with disbelief.

"Let's not do this, please? Can we just ride home in silence?" She pleaded.

"Fine, whatever," I said gripping the steering wheel tighter.

I tried, however pathetically, to have a civil conversation with the woman but she wasn't having it.

We continued to the house in a deafening silence. I contemplated all the things I could tell her to try and make her hate me less but what would be the point? I left her and she hates me, that's where we are.

I bounced my knee anxiously the closer we got to the house. By the time we reached Forks I was ready to let her drive my car just so I could walk home. However, the second we pulled into the drive I wanted to throw the car in reverse and high tail it to a bar.

I felt a growl like noise grow in my chest as I looked at the car that was in front of me.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I hissed.

Bella shot me a victorious smirk and climbed out of the car. I don't know why she seemed so damn excited, she was never a fan of the tension between the two of us, and rarely liked us being in the same room.

I followed her inside although she moved with much more urgency than I did.

Everyone, with the exception of Alice and Jasper, were back at the house gathered in the living room. Bella spotted him before I did and I really wished I had been wrong about who owned that car that was outside.

"Jacob!" She yelled as she threw her delicate arms around his fat neck.

He spun her around like the overgrown man child he is and finally placed her down on her feet after an eternity.

He looked at me and narrowed his eyes."Edward." I wondered to myself how pissed mom would be if I decked him, just one good shot. Yeah that probably wouldn't bode well with her ideals of hospitality.

"Jacob," I responded mocking his cold tone.

I walked off and headed toward the bar wondering how many more dimensions of hell I would have to wade through before this week would end.

A/N: So what do we think? Reviewers get teasers!

It was brought to my attention that some reviewers may not want to know what is going to happen early so if you do NOT want a teaser for the next chapter then just say so and I'll be sure not to give you one.

Alright now stop reading and hit the review button. Thanks dolls.