Disclaimer: I do not own the best detectives ever.
A\N- Once again thank you for all the support from the reviews to the follows to the favorites, I really appreciate it. I am so thankful to have all of you. This week will be less hectic with tests so I should be able to get another chapter up soon. I hope you enjoy this chapter.
Thank you Bensler27 for the suggestion and it was originally written into the previous chapter but I rewrote it because I thought it would kind of be awkward with Lucy and all but I will try to write that in :)
"Hey, El, are you okay?" Olivia asked when he tightened his grip on her after nearly five minutes of them clinging to each other in silence.
"I'm so sorry, Liv, I'm so sorry," Elliot repeated. It's okay, she wanted to say but she knew it wasn't, he had left her. "I just, after Jenna, I couldn't do it anymore, I just couldn't." He said as he shook with every word and she held him tighter. "I ran out of that precinct and ran out of your life all at the same time. I had killed Jenna, and as she died in my arms all I could see was my own daughter in her place. She was too young, Liv. Every drink I had after that I thought of you, of how I had left you, and so I had another and another, until the pack was empty." She could hear the pure emotion in his voice.
"Elliot, I understand, but you could have called me, but instead this is the first I've heard from you since the shooting." Olivia went on, but kept her voice soft, for the sake of Elliot's health and her voice. "I saved your life, your marriage, your family more times than either of us can count and you just left me. The first person that I ever believed cared about me left me and as much as I'd hate to admit it without you I was completely lost. I fought for you at IAB, but when Don told me that you put your papers in I gave up. After you gave up on us, I figured we never were worth fighting for."
Olivia paused as she too shook in tears just as Elliot. She had waited for this moment of answers for four years and now tears freely fell from both their faces. "I completely despised everyone in my life for not being you for the first year until I realized you weren't coming back. It took a couple of months of denying what Don told saying things like 'He's not coming back' and 'If you want to stay in this unit you're gonna have to start working with different people' but it finally got through to me. Even though I didn't want to I worked with new people and believe it or not I was getting comfortable with them until I reminded myself. Reminded myself not to let them in as far in as I had let you." She paused once again and released him from her hold so he could look into her eyes. His eyes were so unfamiliarly red that she almost did not recognize him, but now that she had started she wouldn't stop.
"How could you do that to me? And then I get than damn letter. That damn three word letter. I nearly broke down in front of the squad over the simple fact that you had somehow responded to all my calls of pleading for you to talk to me. 'Semper fi –El' really what the hell was that even supposed to mean to me. I mean really 'always faithful', I was 'always faithful' to you. You know what's really funny though, I actually kept your badge clipped on my gun ever since. What really pissed me off the most though was the detail that while William Lewis tortured me all I could think about was you, and the only other person that knows that is him and he's dead now. I was stupid to think that I could ever be cared for, none the less loved." Olivia was then finished and took one last sad peek at Elliot's eyes before settling her gaze back to the floor.
He took her chin in his hand and softly explained what she had so wrongly said. "But, Liv," he said, his eyes and voice tearful and pleading for her to listen, "I care about you more than both you and I ever guessed."
"No, Elliot, don't give me that, because then where were you the past four years, huh?" she asked him.
"You're right, Liv, I did fail you," he said defeated and although Olivia saw the regret in his eyes, she knew that she needed to stand firm. "But I do care, I nearly committed myself to the psych ward because I thought I was going crazy when I heard about Lewis. I ended up losing whatever sobriety I had left and every night I dreamt of what could have happened to you. Then four months ago I couldn't take all the 'what ifs' so I decided I would finally get over myself to see you." He said as he winced in pain from shaking which Olivia did not miss since they were still only a foot away from each other. She sighed.
"Look you've obviously had a long day, why don't you get some get some rest," Olivia suggested. After helping him lie back down, she took her seat in the chair once again.
"Mr. Stabler," a nurse from the door began, "I'm here to give you your last medication dose for the night, which should let you sleep easier." They had both stopped crying by now and Elliot nodded and after the nurse had given him the pain meds, she left.
Olivia could see not two minutes later that Elliot was fighting sleep. "El, don't fight it I'll be here if you need me when you wake up," she said as she grabbed his hand and softly messaged it with her fingertips. It wasn't long before his swollen and red teary eyes had closed shut.
Five minutes later, Olivia's phone startled her from her thoughts and she jumped out of her seat and glancing at Elliot to make sure he had not been waken she left the room. "Benson," she answered when she got outside the room.
"Liv, its Fin, all we could get off of the security tape was that a black van threw Elliot onto the street and. Carisi and I will continue investigating, but you're going to have to get his statement soon. Liv, if you want I could tell Nick and Amanda to get his statement."
"Thanks, Fin, but I can handle it," Olivia said wanting to know what Elliot had gone through.
"Okay but, are you okay?" Fin asked knowing Elliot had broken her heart once before. "Did he say anything stupid to you?"
"Actually there were more tears than anything and I didn't expect a good answer as to why he left the way he did. He just fell asleep so I'll get his statement when he wakes up." Olivia responded.
"Okay bye baby girl, just be careful," Fin said.
"Okay, bye Fin," Olivia said as she hung up. Not knowing what she was supposed to do now, Olivia walked back into the room. Sitting back in her seat she assumed Elliot would be out for the night so the statement would have to wait until morning. Something gave her the feeling that whoever had done this to him was not done yet, considering the location he was found at. Realizing that she should use this time to her advantage, she got herself comfortable in the chair, and closed her eyes. It was two minutes later when they were both completely fast asleep, proving how emotionally tired they both were.
"What's that look for? You feeling sad? Thinking about someone you're never gonna see again?" Lewis asked. Olivia was on the bed as Lewis cut the tape off her ankles. As terrified as she actually was on the inside, on the outside she did not let it show at all, as only a look of defiance remained. 'He's right,' she thought because even though she wasn't about to let him know, she was thinking of a certain someone. Him.
The same him that had left her after nearly being partners with her for thirteen years. Elliot Stabler. Or as she so often introduced him to suspects and victims, Detective Elliot Stabler. The he that she had especially called El after knowing him for a while. She had to admit, she did miss him. The he who was a Detective, a Father, a Husband, a partner… her best friend.So many different names, but to her he was all the same.
"Mom?" Nope, not even close.
"Dad?" Way off.
"Boyfriend?" Oh, yea, I almost forgot about him.
"No, huh?" Here it comes.
"Someone else … someone who you would give anything to see just one more time." Ding, ding, that's him.
"You're gonna cry out his name… at some point." Hopefully not, aloud, but of course I will be on the inside. "They always do."
"Well, just try and put him out of your mind, okay?" Impossible. "Cause you don't make it out of here alive." Unfortunately possible.
"Now you say…"Lewis said as he roughly placed his gun into her mouth and positioned himself on top of her to keep her from squirming around.
"…I wanna live… I'll do anything… I'll do anything… anything. I'll do anything." Olivia whimpered out in fear and complied with his firm demand.
"Yeah," Lewis said while he nodded his head sadistically. "Yes, you will," he said, "Liv, look at me, Liv." How did he know her nickname? Lewis then proceeded to unbuckle her belt to her pants and…
"Liv, wake up!" Elliot said softly, but loud enough to wake her. She sat up straight from her chair and shook as she held in her tears. Elliot had somehow managed to get into a sitting position on his hospital bed and held her arm in one hand as he reached out for her. She was completely paralyzed with fear and by the look in his eyes he knew this. He outstretched his arms toward her and said," Liv, please, come here," Elliot pleaded, knowing it was what she needed, and if he knew her at all, he knew that she would never ask for comfort.
Olivia didn't know what to do. She had not fully forgiven him, that was a long way ahead, but did she trust him enough now to let him hold her as she cried. It had only happened once or twice before, but that was before Lewis. She shook her head no. She was not ready for this. "Liv don't make me get up because you know I will. Look, you're scared right now and I get that," he said empathetically, "So just come. You're not alone anymore Liv, let me help you now even though I wasn't there to help you before."
When Elliot began to move to put his feet on the floor Olivia shook once again and uncertainly and timidly got up, silently accepting his invitation for comfort. Once she got up, Elliot bound his arms around her and led her to sit down next to him on the bed. She sat down next to him and when he continued to envelope her in his arms, she was stiff in his hold. "I'm sorry, Liv, that I wasn't there to help you then, but trust me, I will never let anything like that happen to you again, okay? I promise," Elliot told her gently, and as soon as she heard him say this she melted completely into their hug and shuddered as she cried in the wake of her nightmare. "Shh, Liv, you're okay. Whatever happened is over, he will never hurt you again. I will never let it happen." He hushed her as she rested her head on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry anything ever happened, especially to you Liv, I should have been there to protect you, and I'm so sorry Olivia." He now began to rub her back in small circles and gingerly caressed her hair in his fingers trying to calm her down back to sleep. "But you weren't there," Olivia whimpered out with followed by more soft sobs. That was when he realized just how hurt and affected she really was. Just how he missed her smell, her hair, and even something as simple as her breathing. He remembered the last time he held her like this after Sonya Paxton's death, he had been so concerned even as she walked away in the opposite direction.
"You're right, Liv," he said quietly, now rocking her and accepting the irrefutable fact that it would take quite a long time to repair their now inferior friendship. She had let him hold her, and that was all he could ask for right now. She was still uneasy and disturbed so he continued to affectionately stoke her back and wonder what Lewis had exactly done to her for Liv to still be affected months after.
"Olivia, what were you dreaming about?" Elliot asked her, at this point wanting to try anything to calm her down and released her just enough to look at her. She slowly pulled her head back and looked at him in his eyes. Concern, empathy, and care. That's what she saw in the beautiful blue eyes of her partner… ex- partner. She hid out of a response and looked away.
"Liv." He said and by now the tears had slowed.
"Lewis," she shyly got out. He had assumed that it was about him.
"What about him?" he asked softly.
"He was cutting the tape off of my ankles, and all I could think about was…" She stopped not wanting to continue or admit it was he she was thinking about.
"What, Liv, what were you thinking about?" he pressed gently on the subject. She had talked to only her therapist and even then she had not mentioned him. Nothing. She didn't answer. "Livvie, what's wrong, talk to me, what were you thinking about?" he repeated.
"You," she simply and softly admitted as another tear slipped out and she ducked her head down. He hugged her even tighter now and lied down.
"Oh, Liv." He said as he contemplated making a bold move. As she shook again and began to cry, he made his decision. Collecting her hand in his, he leaned closer into the hug and planted a small kiss on her forehead. Surprised by the gesture as well, Olivia began to calm even though her mind began to race. It was the farthest either one of them had ever come close to. Both of them too lost in their thoughts, had not noticed the eyes that were fastidiously watching them.
A\N- Thank you again for reading and please review. The next chapter will deal with how Elliot ended up in the hospital.