Chapter 28
He could feel the pain rising. It began in his chest, filtered through his lungs, pushed up to his throat and into his head. He felt his eyes burn with tears. He pressed his forehead to the black, leather, couch cushion and Nick Stokes cried. He cried harder than he ever had in his life.
He was broken.
Jules could feel the wind against her tear streaked face. She desperately needed to get to her vehicle as quickly as she possibly could. She felt dizzy and she was afraid her feet wouldn't hold her. She clicked the unlock button on her keychain and heard the locked doors of her SUV click open. She grabbed the handle and prepared to open it when she quickly turned her head, leaned over, and vomited all over the side of her front tire and onto the asphalt below. Just when she thought it was safe to get into her truck, she felt it rise up, and once again, she threw up violently in the parking lot.
She was destroyed.
Jules wasn't exactly sure how on earth she made it home. She didn't think her stomach would ever stop tossing and turning and she really didn't know it was possible for someone to see out of eyes that were as swollen as hers were. But, she did it. She got herself home.
Warrick and Trista were sitting on the steps waiting for her when she walked in. For an instant Jules found a slight bit of humor in seeing them sit together peacefully. But, it quickly faded when her brother stood up and grabbed her, pulling her to him.
"WHOA, whoa! You okay? You okay?" he said panicked.
"Jules! You don't look right, Honey!" Trista said rubbing her back, "Did you vomit or something? You're white as a ghost!"
Jules just stared. She had no words. No feeling left in her body.
She just wanted to sleep.
Actually, she wanted to die.
Trista was unzipping Jules' jacket when Jules heard the sound of little feet. Her pain began to lift and she realized that she did not want to die. She had a beautiful little girl who needed her.
"Mommy?" she said groggily.
"Aww, hi, Princess, did I wake you?" she managed to say.
Suddenly Jules had strength. She had an ability to talk and breath and feel.
"Yes," Emma said but she was half asleep when she said it so Jules knew it most likely wasn't even true.
Emma held her arms up and Jules picked her up. She was asleep as soon as her head hit her mother's shoulder.
Jules looked at her brother and her best friend.
"I am going to bed," she told them and headed upstairs with her daughter.
Instead of putting Emma in her own bed, Jules brought her into the bed she used to share with Nick.
The two of them snuggled up and, while Emma slept peacefully, Jules held her tight and cried and cried until she too fell asleep. Emma had no idea that she was her mother's lifeline that night. She gave her her strength to think clearly and move forward. Tomorrow was another day and she would live it…whether she had Nick in it or not. She had Emma and the love she felt for her could carry her through the darkest days. She was sure of it.
He wasn't sure how long he cried but it was long enough that there were actual tiny puddles of tears on Greg Sander's couch cushion. Finally, Nick rolled down from his knees and sat on the floor; he rested his back against the bottom of the couch. His breath shook each time he breathed in and out. He just couldn't stop the pain in his head nor the pain in his heart.
He closed his eyes and tried to remember sleeping with Brooke. None of it came back to him, not even messing around with her at all. He did vaguely remember going to Brooke's room...he couldn't remember why...and he remembered leaving her room, but he was sure she wasn't there when he left...or was she? He couldn't be sure of anything.
He imagined sleeping with Brooke and it made him sick. The only woman he ever wanted to be intimate with was Jules. She had been since the first time they found each other. He thought back to that day.
He could still see her in his black, CSI T shirt he gave her to use as a nightgown. He remembered the sexual tension they had and where he was standing in the kitchen when it all broke loose. Nick remembered their fight in that kitchen. They knew they had something huge between them but she didn't want to go against her brother's wishes and he didn't either. But when their eyes locked, he threw caution to the wind, and the two of them ignited a fire that has continued to burn from that day on.
He thought about the women he had slept with before Jules. He knew every one of them were good in bed, but nothing, and he meant nothing, compared to what he felt even the first time he was with Jules. He never felt anything like it. It was as if their souls collided. He used to laugh at people who thought they were in love with someone so quickly…he NEVER laughed at that idea again after meeting Jules. No, Nick Stokes knew that he and Jules were literally meant to be together. Their souls, their spirits, their hearts seared together that day and they hadn't ever been separated since. And their baby. The baby that had a precious, feminine version of his face and who had Jules' hair and personality. He loved his daughter with the same intensity. Jules and Emma were his heart and soul.
Before them, he was a CSI. Period. He lived for his job.
With them, he was a husband and father. He lived for them.
Without them, he was nothing but dead inside.
Nick threw his head back on the cushion and stared at the ceiling. There was no way he could let this happen. He started to pray. He remembered all the prayers he learned as a boy in Catholic school. But, the only prayer he could get out of his mouth was to beg God to help him through this. To please let him have his family back.
The tears rolled down his temples as he prayed. He knew Jules could never get past him making love to another woman. He knew she would replay it over and over in her head. And he knew she would never feel secure in the love he had for her again. She would be forever broken by it.
Nick knew, as he sat on the floor of Greg Sander's Town House, that the only lifeline he had left was to beg God for help.
Nick knew…he truly needed a miracle.