Hush little baby, don't say a word

Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird don't sing

Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring....

Chapter 2: What Is And What Should Never Be

This is nothing, this is nothing, this is nothing

Over and over it played. It was all Barney would allow himself to think, as he walked up the steps to the doctor's office. It was all he would allow himself to think. This had to be nothing, because life was finally meaning something to him other than bars and bimbos. Finally there was no endless one-night stands, no lying alone in an apartment that always was too cold and empty for him (not that he'd ever admit that to anyone). It was a giant gaping reminder of everything he was not and did not have, a thought that slapped him in the face whenever he was around Lily and Marshall, or Ted and his latest "one", or anyone of the like, for that matter. So he filled his apartment with cool things, went out nightly, and maybe on some level he was satisfied with that. But the ache was always there, even though Barney was unable to admit it.

Then he fell in love with Robin, and everything changed. She wouldn't and couldn't be one of his endless bimbos. It was just the one night, a night that almost cost him his friendship with Ted, a friendship he valued more then he cared to admit. So of course, as Barney assumed, God or whatever was up there decided to kick Barney when he was down and make him fall in love with Robin. Out of his control, really. So he swallowed it. For the next year, he pretended he wasn't having actual feeling for the first time in ten years. Eventually though, they bubbled to the surface and surprisingly, Ted accepted it. Being with Robin was both strange and familiar at the same time. She had been one of his best friends for years, but now their relationship had irrevocably altered. Ten months since they had finally decided to go for it. Ten months that had been without a doubt, the best months of Barney's life.

He wasn't sure himself why he was so unable to tell anyone what went on inside his head. He supposed if he had to guess, it was that they all had a perception of him, built on years of proof. Barney's a manwhore, Barney's the devil. All Barney cares about is one-night stands and mindless bimbos. Even since Robin. Maybe that was what kept him the way he was for so long. His friends were his stability, and after having nobody for so long, Barney guessed he relied on that a little too much sometimes. He saw more in depth into his friends' lives then he let on. It was what made him go to San Diego to convince Lily to come back to Marshall. What made him officiate their wedding. What made him guiltless about pulling Ted away from his first night living at Robin's, because even then he knew how Ted and Robin would end.

So lost in his thoughts, Barney barely noticed when the doctor called his name. His feet shuffled on their own volition towards the examination room, and he listened with half an ear as the doctor poked and prodded at him. Then the doctor poked at a particularly sensitive bruise on his leg, and Barney had to bite back a whimper of pain.

The doctor's (Dr. Speake, his nametag read) brow furrowed. "Mr. Stinson, have you been more active than usual lately?"

Confused, Barney shook his head. "No. If anything, I've been way more tired."

Dr. Speake nodded. "Do you have any idea where these bruises might have come from?"

Barney shook his head to the negative, and made some more notes on his pad.

"Any other symptoms?"

"Paleness, I'm always tired, all these bruises appearing out of nowhere, but other than that I'm okay. Can't you just give me a prescription for something and send me on my way, Doc?"

Dr. Speake gave a brief chuckle. "Actually, Mr. Stinson, I'm going to send you to the hospital today to get checked out further. Just for a couple of routine tests."

Barney's stomach dropped. "Do I have a choice?"

A frown appeared on the doctor's face. "I'd strongly recommend it, but I can't force you."

This is nothing, this is nothing, this is nothing

An hour later, Barney's mantra was still swirling in his head. The doctors at the hospital had taken several tubes of blood, and recently, had pinned him down and done a bone marrow biopsy. It had hurt like hell, but no matter how many questions he asked, he could never get any straight answers. He sat uncomfortably on a chair in a private room, still too sore to move.

The door opened with a soft click, and a fiftyish doctor walked in and sat gingerly on the chair opposite Barney.

"When can I get my suit back?" Was Barney's first question as he plucked with a finger at the shapeless hospital gown.

The doctor cracked a tiny smile. "We'll get you your clothes back in a few minutes, Mr. Stinson. But before we do, we should discuss the results of your labs."

Barney's head snapped up. "There a problem?"

The doctor sighed. "Unfortunately, Mr. Stinson, the results of both the blood work and the biopsy were abnormal."

The word startled Barney. "Is abnormal....bad?"

The doctor gave a sad nod. "The results....they show signs of Acute Mylogeneous Leukemia."

For Barney, the world stopped turning. The doctor, the room, the patients and doctors all froze where they stood, and the world went absolutely silent until only one word rang in Barney's head over and over.

Cancer. Cancer. Cancercancercancercancer

Begging it to stop, Barney's head fell into his hands, the tears tracking down his cheeks before he even realized he was crying. He swiped at the wetness harshly, angrily.

"Mr. Stinson – " the doctor began gently.

"How do I hide it?" were the first words out of Barney's mouth.

The older man looked taken aback. "Mr. Stinson, the treatment protocol for AML includes several rounds of chemotherapy, at least. We strongly recommend patients having a support system of friends and family during that time, as we've found it to be very difficult. Both physically and emotional.

Barney whipped his head from side to side. "I'll do the treatment, but nobody finds out. So how do I hide it?"

"In all seriousness, Mr. Stinson, I feel confident your friends and family would want to know about something as serious as this..."

"No." Barney insisted. "My brother, my nephew, my friends, my girlfriend....they never find out. How do I hide it?"

A/N: And that's it for now! I so appreciated all the reviews last chapter, I'll do my best to update fairly regularly. Leave me a couple thoughts on the way out?