74. Go West
I gasped for breath the soonest I felt as if something monumental had left me.
I was alone in a field. Waving sawgrass all around me.
Lying on a stone.
Blood…sleeves of it……
I shuddered.
I was holding onto Myrkblade.
Everything was blinding.
My eyes were being stabbed on all sides. Raw and defenseless.
Tears of blood.
Tears of blood and…
Where is she?
Where is she?
I cried out for her name…but there was no voice.
Icy pain like laughing knives in my throat.
I dragged a hand to my neck…and dipped into a river of wet meat.
Something gurgled…and was gone.
I collapsed into the dirt…sobbing…
Her name…
Her name……
In the wind and in the knives…
It wouldn't come out.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
I shot up with a gasp.
Sweating.
Panting.
I put my shades on and look around me.
I'm sitting in the back of the T-Car.
At a rest stop.
Along the hallway.
Outside the tinted windows from where I was sleeping, I see most of my Titan friends commiserating around the convenience store. Pausing to talk about something. Many of them laughing…many of them smiling…
Rested and relaxed.
I gulp.
I look out the windows on the other side.
At the endless horizon of green and brown flatness that is the Great Plains.
In the West, the clouds were dark.
A storm was brewing, undoubtedly.
I slunk back in my chair and sighed.
A storm was brewing…
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
Dear Diana,
As I write to you, I am currently on vacation. That is to say, we are currently on vacation. And I'm not quite sure what the etiquette is for the Justice League when it comes to enjoying time off. I can't imagine it being all that extensive. Yet, at the same time, it must be hard to define because of that fact that—for the most part—the entire League of you people is freelance. But that's okay. We're all non profit organizations……right?
The intention of the Teen Titans upon setting out on this time off was to enjoy the beach, enjoy the mountains, and enjoy whatever may lie beyond. And right now, what lies beyond is an endless prairie of prairieness. And beyond that, the ever ominous and looming West.
Why is it ominous and looming? Well…that would be getting into personal things, I suppose. And it's best that I stick to the nature of the Titans during this sabbatical for the best sake of correspondence.
I suppose that it would be honorable to mention that—despite our leisurely expectations—we've had to keep on our toes during our time on the road. In North Carolina, we ran into the most peculiar of circumstances. Starfire—the resident Tamaranian—found another of her kind hidden amidst the woodlands and cottages of the Appalachians. He's a young boy named Nova'm. Apparently—as a result of advanced time travel and cryogenic freezing—Nova'm has survived the last two hundred or so years before landing here on earth a little over a decade ago. Since then, he had been forced to live a terrorized life with his foster parents at the hands of a ruthless former member of the FBI…a man by the name of Booker who wanted to steal Nova'm's starbolt energy, put it into a battle suit, and sell it for money to increase his lifespan here on earth.
Yeah…peculiar indeed. Nevertheless, it's worth mentioning that the Titans—especially Starfire—were key in undermining the intentions of Booker and freeing Nova'm from the ruthless man's grasp. As a result, one of FBI's number one suspects has been tracked down. And Starfire has acquired a new friend…a brother of spirit if not of blood.
We left North Carolina three days ago. Starfire and Nova'm had a bitter-sweet parting. Full of hugs and tears and laughter and all that good stuff. Tamaranians are certainly gifted in their knack for joy and camaraderie. In the meantime, the rest of us said goodbye to the wonderful cottage we had been staying at. Mr. Jared and Mrs. Ruth Feldman—an extraordinarily nice couple—were generous enough to give us a roof to dwell under temporarily without hardly any pay. I think Robin slipped some money under the table to show our gratitude before we eventually high-tailed it out of there. But besides that, I'm flabbergasted. As is everyone else. The generosity of some of these people…it is astounding. They said that we 'earned' it. I suppose it's a part of being a bunch of superheroes and all. But it still doesn't feel entirely right. It's not something we want to make a habit of receiving.
While on the road, our leader Robin has made sporadic attempts to contact the Tower. Each time he's had even more sporadic successes and failures in breaking through with communication. Our 'house sitters'—the legendary Green Arrow and his ward Speedy—are quite the elusive type. They assure us that they're simply scouring the streets to keep an eye out for wanton criminals and what have you. I whole-heartily believe this, but the Boy Wonder—bless his heart. If you've worked with the Batman, then surely you must be familiar with the age-old vigilante sense of……………suspicion.
Cyborg is having the time of his life. He was the one who proposed this vacation from the start. Recently (as in 'recently since the defeat of Slade') his Uncle has more or less been 'resurrected'. I'm sure you've heard of the conspiracy theories, Diana, but Simon Stone—brother to the late Silas Stone—is technically now a digital construct made 'real' in our sense solely by his energy-to-matter transformation within the boundaries of Phaser Labs, which contains the computer that his consciousness is sealed safely in. Beforehand, he was an android employed against his will by the late and ruthless Anderson to construct weaponry for the criminal underworld such as Dagger and Slade. But his heart is the thing that's pure, as we—the close friends of Cyborg—are willing to believe. One could argue that Simon Stone isn't technically alive, and in that same respect Cyborg isn't alive either. I know what I see, Diana. Cyborg is alive. The fervor at which he grips the steering wheel of his car and the way his half-metal face smiles and laughs in the rush of wind and summer air…………that's Life.
Starfire has been having her fair share of life lately too. Suffice to say, the existence of Nova'm is to be a safely guarded secret amongst us heroes. If what Starfire says about his origins is correct, then he might very well be a cultural icon of unimaginable proportions on Tamaran. The boy has undergone enough stress and paranoia as it is on Earth. There's no need to toss him into another setting full of pressures…even if those pressures would be centered around a galactic adoration of his innocent little person……wow. Ahem. Starfire's proud. Very proud. And she has every reason to be. I suppose the rest of the Titans were rather blind to it, but she was feeling really down for a while there. This vacation was only serving to distract her from a really dark mood. But Nova'm helped lift her out of that, I think. Now it's up to us to further remind her that she's as much a 'sister' to us as she is to Nova'm. A fellow hero linked in some sort of invisible bond of blood. Okay…now I'm getting figurative. Anyways, Starfire's smiling a lot. And because of that, we smile a lot. Well…everyone except Raven of course.
Raven has been having ups and downs of her own. From the sidelines, one may assume that she's developing some sort of definable…… 'character'. But as a Titan, I know—along with the rest—that Raven's personality is merely a muted conglomeration of multiple emotions which she has safely hidden away in the chamber of her subconscious. When Mumbo Jumbo's camera screwed her up—literally—we all saw the complexity of her with our very own eyes. I've long learned that Cyborg and Beast Boy had ventured into her 'mindscape' before and seen the fragility that is Raven's psyche…and no doubt Robin knows quite a bit about her since the two of them founded the group. But what we all got a month ago was an awakening. And it startled us…and we all respect her all the more. And trust her. For she goes through so much. And she's trying to change…she really is, bless her heart. This vacation has been an experiment for her. I can see it. Her mood has been buckling. Shifting. Reorganizing itself from the inside out. But…I think she has found her 'groove', if it were. A retreat back to old things. Good things. Good things……but……seemingly lonely things. She's considered being closer to us…but I think she's realized that in being with us, she's as 'close' as she needs to be. And distance is a safe thing. It may not be a very warming thing…but it surely is very………safe. It's the best for her, and it's the best for all of us.
It really is…
Beast Boy—as usual—is his normal, inflated self. I think he's had quite a bit of a relaxed experience over the last week or two. Ever since Slade's defeat, he's become more and more like the cheery green elf that I first met when joining this team. For a moment there—and I saw this the best through the goggles of Wyldecarde—he was very depressed. Very morose. And constantly vexed by the haunting memories of the same thing that plagues the spirits of all of my teammates…but not myself. Terra. Terra the Titan. Terra the betrayer. Terra the villain and reborn friend. Terra…who is now a stone relic entombed in some awful, abandoned shrine of rock in the center of town. A tourist attraction. An eyesore. Conceptually…all of those things hurt me to think about. But I was never a Titan in those days. I never felt first-hand the pain of treachery that they had felt. I sensed it through the Wyldecarde days of Slade's final retribution, but I wasn't crying with the Titans the day their close friend—their rescued orphan from the desert wastelands and embodied with the confused quaking of Terra Firma tiself—died in their eyes in more context than one…two…even three. And Beast Boy, bless his heart, he was so close to her. The closest anyone has ever been to that isolated soul of pain and confusion. He knows things about her that is up to the speculation of all the others. And when she turned to stone, so did a good portion of his heart. A portion of his heart which he paints and cushions with jokes and giggles and wild dancing on the table at spontaneous moments that makes all of us laugh and roll our eyes. He is the tortured jester. A ghost of something stronger and weaker all the same. And I've seen his tears more than any other Titan. Alone in a sacred room. Clutching a homemade, heart-shaped case to his body and curled up in an immaculate bed. Terra is forever sleeping, and Beast Boy's trying to wake her up through himself. And he's spinning in circles. I suppose it's very shallow to say that 'this vacation is doing him lots of good'. But at this point, it would take a drastic event to shake Beast Boy loose, or perhaps the miraculous rebirth of Terra herself. Which I seriously do not think will happen any time soon…
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
"Okay, Cy. Tell me this one thing, if you would…"
"What's that, B.B.?"
"Why in God's name are we going to Kansas?!"
Cyborg shrugged. "It's in the way. In the true spirit of Jim Morrison, we gotta break on through to the other side."
"To where, pray tell?" Beast Boy muttered, perusing a wildly flapping map in the backseat. "DullTown, USA?? What were you thinking?! We should have headed up north and swung by the Great Lakes or something!!"
"We're heading north enough as it is!" Cyborg retorted from the driver's seat. "At first we were heading south…then west…and here we are going all caddywonkus! It happens!"
Starfire smiled. "Is this the 'wherever the road will take us' ideology?"
"Ideologically……yes," Cyborg smirked.
"Whatever…," Raven mumbled from my right, deep into her tenth book. "As long as we don't fall into the ocean."
"Oh please…," Robin muttered. "I'm not in the mood for California. I'm never in the mood for California."
"Dude!" Beast Boy punched the wind-whipped map down and frowned. "Don't be knocking the town that the Red Hot Chilli Peppers came from!"
"Pfft! Don't defend it unless you've been there."
"Um….I Have."
"………………………..oh. Well….I'm still not in the mood."
"Maybe we'll just hit Mexico instead," Cyborg smirked.
There was a resounding "NO!" from three occupants in the car.
Starfire giggled.
I stared out the left passenger side.
Flatness. Then gentle rolling hills. The haunting Plains.
I'd seen them before. I'd been here before. But I was shuffling in the opposite direction. Dragging my feet. Dragging the chains of memories that hung on my wrists like sharp, rusted shackles.
And I was going East then.
But not now….
My mechanical left hand twitched. I got the shivers. I clenched my teeth, hugged my arm to my chest, and prayed silently that nobody was looking at me…
"I hope those thunderclouds clear up…," Cyborg said, glancing up at the dark overcast gradually forming around us. "This day would be a whole lot cooler with the Sun shining."
"Highly unlikely…," Raven muttered into her pages. "It is summer time and we are in the Plain States. It…will…storm…."
"Awwww," Starfire pouted in the front seat. "And how I wished this solstice would be invigorating with its solar goodness!"
"I dunno, Star," Beast Boy smirked. "A good storm might liven this boring place up a bit. Heheheh!!"
"Looking forward to tornados, B.B.?" Robin remarked.
The green elf gulped. "Eep! Okay, Cy. Let's go to Mexico."
The android shook his head. "No doing. But I'll tell you what…there's a civic center coming up soon. Didn't the map say that?"
"Yeah…..and?"
"Well, it's about lunchtime. How about we stop by there?"
"A picnic!" Starfire giggled. "Heeee!"
"Well….lunch," Cyborg winked.
"Boys…," Raven droned. "….if it's not sex drive, its hunger drive."
"Hey!" Beast Boy folded his arms and frowned. "I find that offensive! It's hunger drive BEFORE sex drive!"
"It would be for you, wouldn't it?"
He blinked. "Huh?"
Robin chuckled.
Raven flipped a page.
Beast Boy sighed.
The shivers gradually left me. I took a breath and relaxed in my seat. But as I stared West…at the lines coming and receding…I only felt more and more trepidation.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
'How am I doing'? I could play the part of perfect humility and not even broach that topic. But I feel that humility is an abstract concept. Was it humility that saved my friends from Slade? Was it humility that beat them senselessly over and over again to keep Slade from beating them harder? I'm no more or less good a person than my friends. Though I have a lot of faith in the 'less good' part. For good reasons too.
Ah jeez…I'm rambling. I knew I would be. I just wish I had more to write to you about. But as it is, I'm on vacation. I'm not in the middle of fighting some ambiguous enemy or trying to save a needy populace. There's nothing interesting. Nothing worth to write about. Nothing to think about. Nothing but this scenery I keep seeing blur past me. Like film being wasted by an epileptic camera shutter. And at the end of the negatives is some black and white ghost that keeps burning into me.
I can't tell the Titans this, but maybe I can tell you. And I'm sorry if this isn't professional or something. But…I can't stand this vacation. I could for a while, but I was distracting myself. Distracting myself from this. This full throttle death throe into Pacific oblivion. I may be sounding fatalist. Heck, I'm even feeling it. But I swear…I'm going crazy. The new hand is making me shiver more and more. The healing scratches and gashes from the fight with Slade and his minions are starting to throb and scream again. It's a sickening sensation…like wanting to fall into myself and somehow hit concrete.
I know I'm sounding like a raving madman, Diana. But I can't explain it. I don't want to. But one thing's for sure. A vacation isn't a vacation if it isn't being enjoyed. And I'm going to try to enjoy it. I'm going to do my best to be happy with the Titans. But if it doesn't work…and if the shivers only increase and the country only melts before me in the negative pool that I feel dripping into fruition in the well of my heart…then I have one other option.
To head back home early…
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
"Drive it to the hoop, Cy!! Come on! It's wide open!!"
Cyborg stood in place, dribbling a basketball on a half-court of concrete. Smirking. His green-skinned teammate hopped up and down excitedly beside Robin, who was trying to form a blockade between the changeling and his metal comrade.
On Robin's team, I paced myself in front of Cyborg. Breathing steadily. Sweating.
He met my stance…dribbling…flexing his titanium limbs…ready to go anywhere and do anything. Seeing if I could match.
Starfire stood beside the court, smiling, clasping her hands together in the spirit of the game.
Raven sat on a bench besides a cooler full of 'lunch'. She was well into her eleventh book…oblivious to the game.
A tiny sliver or two of sky broke in the overcast clouds above us, and sunlight filtered down onto the civic center's surrounding recreational facility. With its tennis courts and basketball hoops and squash cubicles.
"Come on, Cy!! We don't have all day!"
"Yeah we do!" he smirked. "Besides, it's first to fifteen points and we're evened out at two!"
"I seeeeeee your strategy!" Robin smirked under a sweat-lined eyemask. "Gonna wear Noir and I out! Long and thin! While that titanium body of your recharges naturally!!"
"You're not counting the fact that my teammate B.B. could wear out!" Cyborg pointed with a free hand.
"Pfft!! Beast Boy doesn't count!"
"Hey!!"
"Ack! No fouling!!"
"Hehehe!" Starfire jumped from the sidelines. "Everyone! Engage in the going of the game!!"
"Ya know, Star…," Beast Boy said from beneath the basket as he struggled with Robin for an open spot. "As a cheerleader, all you need to say is 'Go!'"
"Starfire as a cheerleader….," Raven droned into her book. "How did anyone not see that coming??"
"Hehehe!!" Starfire hopped. "I implore the recreational warcry of 'Go!!'"
Raven grumbled.
"Okay, Cy….if you don't drive to the hoop, I'm going to call a shot clock violation!"
"There ain't no rules like that, Robin!" Cyborg smirked. "Only shot clock this game's ever gonna have is in my head!!"
I took a deep breath and reached my hand out for the ball.
He pointed his other elbow at me and dribbled the ball far away.
"Thank your fast enough man?! Huh?! Think you can smoke right by me?"
I smirked.
"Well smoke away!!!" Cyborg's back panels opened, extended thrusters, and shot at me.
My black eyes bulged under my shades. I twirled out of the way just in time to avoid a hulking body of titanium.
Beast Boy shrieked and dove to escape his teammate.
Robin—brave as ever—stood his ground.
Cyborg cut the rockets and leapt up with a ball outstretched in his hand to dunk.
Robin jumped but didn't jump enough.
CLUNK!!!
SWISH!!
"OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Cyborg just had to hang from the rim and let out a warcry. The actual metal support of the hoop bent and wobbled from his titanium weight. "Whose house did I just bring down?!?! Y'all wanna tell me or should I bring it down again?!"
"Yes, Cyborg!!" Starfire jumped. "Punish that mean ellipse of wrought iron and dangling microfiber!"
As he hopped down, Beast Boy sweatdropped:
"Uh….dude….I think that's traveling."
"How do you know, little man?!" Cyborg smirked, picking up the ball. "Just because I was moving that fast doesn't mean I wasn't dribbling! Besides, you're on my team, punk!"
"Yup," Beast Boy simpered and scratched his neck. "Can't complain about that."
Cyborg tossed the ball.
Robin caught up. "Eh…I think we'll let it count."
"Pfftchya!!"
"Besides…we're gonna score back right away anyways!"
Beast Boy placed his hands on his hips. "So confident, are we?!"
Robin hoisted the ball out. "Check."
"It's not enough that you have to—" BONK! "Owie!!"
The basketball bounced off the changeling's hand, fell into the Boy Wonder's grip, and was then tossed at me with a smirk: "HA!!"
I caught it, dribbled into court, and nearly fainted as Cyborg charged at me with an arm flailing. "Not any further, dawg!!"
I sweat and spun my back to him. Dribbling back into the paint. Backing my way in.
He stuck a hand in to steal the ball.
I dribbled left and right and crouched low to keep him from reaching in. I saw a reflection on the inner curve of my shades. I glanced to the side. Robin was running out on the other side of the half-court with Beast Boy flailing behind him. He held his hands out.
I thinned my eyes, blurred my metal and flesh arms, and bounce-passed the ball between Cyborg's legs and over to Robin.
The Boy Wonder palmed it and was succinctly blocked of his way to the basket by Beast Boy.
"If you think you can just dunk your way to the hole like Cy, you're wrong man!!" He hopped up and down and flailed his arms like a passionate moron. "White vigilantes can't jump!!"
"Uh…then what're you doing hoppin' around so much, B.B.?"
"EXCUSE ME?!?! I'm green!"
Robin smirked. "No jumping necessary. There are many approaches to the art of basketball."
With that said, Robin expertly positioned the ball in his head, aimed at the basket, and let it loose with a leap of his body.
Our eyes followed it.
And…
Nothing but net.
Robin was well beyond the three point line at the time.
I smirked and gave a sweaty thumb's up.
Robin returned one. "Just like a batarang….o-only huge, inflated, orange, and goes in a hoop."
"Pffft," Cyborg grabbed the ball and dribbled back to the half court with a smirk. "Show off."
"Okay…so white guys can do basketball too…," Beast Boy gave in.
"Well, of course B.B.!"
"But naturally they only come from those Mediterranean and Balkan countries of East Europe!" Beast Boy cackled. "Ya know. Wyrd places! Like Yugoslavia…Albania…Belgarion…"
"Bulgaria!"
"Whatever…"
"Check."
I snapped out of it. "??"
WHUMP!!
I caught the ball clumsily in my chest, wheezed, snapped out of it, and tossed it back at Cyborg.
He winked. "Thanks." WOOOSH!! The ball went flying in a pass over to Beast Boy.
"Think fast!!"
Not even the changeling knew the thing was in play. He caught the ball with a cry. More like a yelp, actually.
Robin rocketed towards him and nearly snatched the ball away.
"EEP!" Beast Boy swiveled, dribbled, moved towards the paint, nearly traveled, and inevitably passed the ball towards Cyborg.
I was in the way. The ball was high, but I reached up for it.
It bounced off the tips of my fingers and eventually into the android's hands.
"Boo ya!!" he drove towards the hoop.
I panted and ran towards him.
"Merrily, boys!!" Starfire shouted through the heat from the sidelines. "Bounce with great felicitation!!"
"RAAAAUGH!!" Cyborg literally flew towards the basket to execute a jam to end all jams.
I blurred up, gritted my teeth, and slammed the ball with my palm.
Yoink!!
I blocked…big time.
Cyborg came down empty handed.
The ball soared over to Robin, who caught it, and dribbled it back to half court.
I ran out into the open.
Robin tossed the ball to me over Beast Boy's head.
I caught it before Cyborg could recover from his shock of loss glory fast enough to block me.
I dribbled to the hole.
The android came up to me, his massive chest and raised arms in the way.
I took a breath, blurred, dribbled, swiveled around him, and came to the basket. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Robin coming. I launched the ball up.
CLANG!!
It bounced straight off the rim at a perpendicular angle.
"HA HA!!" Beast Boy pointed and cackled.
I smirked. I had meant to do that.
The ball bounced off the basket and into the charging Robin's hands. He ran around Cyborg who was still trailing me. Swiftly, the Boy Wonder twirled his arms and performed a lay-up. The ball spun in the rim and sunk in.
"D'oh!!" Beast Boy winced.
"He he he he!!" Starfire clapped her hands. "Magnificent, Robin!! You have 'touched down' the pigskin!!"
"Nah, Star, that's Football!"
"Oh…then…m-magnificent 'birdy' on the par!!"
"……"
Robin smiled as he came to me and offered a high five.
I eagerly gave it to him.
Our slapping hands closed together and we bumped elbows before releasing our grasps in two identical, snapping fingers.
"Teamwork!" Robin winked under his mask and smirked at the other two. "Ain't it a female dog?!"
"Noir's absolutely evil on the hardwood---er, concrete!" Cyborg smirked as Beast Boy picked up the ball behind him. "Yanking the ball away from me like that!!"
I blushed and shrugged with a simper.
Beast Boy dribbled to the half court. "Yeah…I've heard of 'Hack-a-Shaq'…but 'Hack-a-Cy'?! That's ridiculous!!"
Cyborg nodded. "You check it in this time, B.B."
"Huh? Why?"
"Cuz you suck at everything else!"
Robin chuckled.
Raven smirked at her pages.
Beast Boy frowned. "Pfft! MVP hog!!" He faced Robin. "Check."
"Heheheheh….huh?" WHUMP!! "Ack!! Jeez!! Little less forceful, Beast Boy!"
"Hypocrite!"
Robin checked the ball back to the changeling.
Cyborg dashed out into the open like a blue comet.
I did a double check, gasped, and ran to quickly cover my man.
Beast Boy passed to Cyborg.
He got the ball before I could block it. He dribbled to the hole. I kept on it.
He faked to shoot.
I kept to my position.
He took a breath and reverse-bounce-passed to Beast Boy.
I spun around.
"!!!"
The changeling was rushing up to the basket, unguarded. Robin had tripped for some reason.
I ran over to defend.
Beast Boy was already in the process of making a lay-up.
We got too close to each other and---
THWAP!!!!
I fell back, stumbled, and crashed on the concrete floor.
FLASH!!!
Everything was blindingly white hot.
I gasped and clenched my naked eyes shut.
My shades had fallen off.
I heard the SWISH! of the basket in the distance. Followed by a chanting cheer from both Cyborg and Beast Boy.
"Boo ya!!"
"Even the score, dude!!"
"You're not so bad after all, little man!!"
"Laugh it up, guys! I tripped while guarding Beast Boy! I swear…he must have snuck out a tentacle or something!"
"Dude! Did not!!"
"We'll edge over you. Just you see. Noir, care to check the ball?? ……..Noir?"
I was on all fours…searching around for my shades. My eyes clenched shut. I felt like a blind man.
"Ah jeez! Sorry, Noir!!" I heard the bounding of titanium boots over the pavement…a pause…then a broad shadow as the plastic black sunglasses were lightly pressed into the flesh of my left arm.
I swallowed, reached over, grabbed the shades, and placed them back over my black eyes. My peepers opened…and everything was gentle again.
I sighed.
Cyborg reached down, "You okay, man?"
I took his grasp and stood up with his support. I limply nodded.
"Need to take five?"
I shook my head, smirked, and gave a thumb's up to Robin.
"So much for forfeit!" Beast Boy muttered.
"Okay…let's get back into action!"
"Yes!" Starfire giggled. "The most active of action!"
I went over to rendezvous with Robin and the ball. I did a good job of keeping myself steady and strong.
I was having the shivers ever since I fell to the ground….
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
I tried too hard recently. That's all I can say. I tried too hard. I think it's like how Raven tried too hard. I don't know how she manages to…hold it all in. I envy her for that. I really do. Her composure. Her strength. Her ability to hide her emotions and all.
But why am I writing about her all of the sudden? Come to think of it, I think I'm gonna toss away the bottom half of this paper and start anew------
…
…
…
…
Dear Diana,
We've entered Kansas City. We've found a hotel. I need to find a laundromat……fast.
Sincerely,
Noir
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
"Huh??" Cyborg looked at me funny.
I signed to him again.
"No…I didn't see any laundromats on the way here. What's the problem?"
I blushed. I signed again.
The android rolled his human eye. "Well you should have packed more!!"
Beast Boy giggled.
I scratched the back of my head.
"Going in….," Robin said. He turned a key to the outside door of the third story hotel room. He walked in first from the balcony, and the rest of us entered. I was the last. I stood there for a second, turned around, and glanced out at the nearby highway. The roar of cars. An urban sprawl on the edge of a city and two states.
It felt a little like home.
I stumbled inside after the other Titans.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
"Wooo!!" Beast Boy flopped down on a bed and bounced to a stand still. He smirked and stretched his arms behind his neck. "Now this is perfection! Air conditioning! A kitchen! A T.V.! King sized beds!! Who needs a freezing cabin or a stuffy T-Car when you've got this place to crash in!!"
"You're too much of a softy, man…," Cyborg remarked as he paced around one edge of the room in an antsy matter, inspecting the interior. "You get this sort of stuff back at the Tower all the time!"
"Nuh uh!" Beast Boy leaned up and protested with a waving finger. "I get all of this…AND a gaming system!"
"Touche."
Robin came back from his own pacing. "Two bedrooms," he smirked. "Good. His and hers."
"But only three beds…," Raven droned.
"Simple!" Starfire cheerfully hugged Raven's side. "We will sharrrrrre!!"
Raven sweatdropped. "That sounds glorious…….."
Beast Boy and Cyborg were blushing for some reason.
I glanced at them funny.
"Looks like we'll all have to do that in some way or another," Robin nodded.
"No way!!" Beast Boy frowned. He pointed at Cyborg. "I've had to bunk with Tin Man before!! He takes up the entire bed, dude!!"
"He practically is the bed," Raven said stoically.
Starfire giggled…still hugging the girl's arm.
"Hey!" Cyborg smirked and put his hands on his hips. "How does the T-Car for three nights in a row sound?!"
"Cyborg is small." Raven hummed.
"Thought so."
"If it's such a big deal, Beast Boy, don't worry," Robin folded his arms and smiled. "I'll sleep with Cyborg. It'll take the stress off you."
Cyborg did a mock gasp. "Oh Robin!! Finally, you agree to jump in bed with me! Lord knows you've been looking forward to it!!"
Beast Boy laughed his head off.
I snickered breathily.
Robin blinked under his eyemask. "Um….I-I didn't mean tha—"
"FOOD!!!" Cyborg shouted so loud, I was afraid the tenants would be complaining a good few hours early. "We must go out for it!!"
"Not a bad idea….," Raven muttered.
"Where shall we commiserate to commiserate?" Starfire smiled.
Beast Boy hopped. "I know!! Somewhere classy! Somewhere dignified! Somewhere sophisticated!"
"Denny's!!"
"YEAH!!"
"Boo-ya!! Let's get going!"
We were caught up in the spirit of things. Well, at least they were. I followed merrily along until I reached the balcony outside the doorway and realized I was staring straight into the setting sun over Kansas City.
Westward….
I sighed once again and followed the enthusiastic caravan along.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
"Do you know what my greatest dream is?"
"What, Ana?"
"It's kind of a scary one. B-But I suppose we can all have freaky fantasies sometimes…r-right?"
"I'm all ears."
"It's like this. When I was a little kid, I watched a lot of horror movies. Really nasty ones. My dad didn't try all that hard to block me from scary crap in film…ya know……"
"Right…"
"Anyways……I grew up with all sorts of scary images on the tube. And they frightened me. They really really frightened me. But at night…when all was dark in my room and I had to imagine what I'd do to protect myself……you know what I would do?"
"What, Ana?"
"I'd laugh, Jordan."
"Laugh?!?!"
"Hehehehe……y-yeah. I'd laugh. I'd laugh and—in my little girl mind—I realized that all monsters were just overgrown bullies underneath. Maybe life treated them bad. Merged them with a fly in a transporter machine or something."
"Heheh…I hear you."
"And…well…monsters are living things. If they exist, that is. They have souls. And they have feelings. And if I was to laugh at them…you know what that would do, Jordan??"
"What, Ana?"
"That's make them feel pretty darned ashamed. I'm sure of it!"
"Heheheheh…you're so cute…"
"I'm serious!! Laughter is a weapon that's mightier than either Choral or Myrkblade!"
"Uh huh."
"……"
"……"
"……I……I can't wait for the day……wh-when I can laugh."
"You can laugh now, can't you?"
"True. But I mean laugh and mean it, Jordan. To mean it so hard…it would become the opposite. It would be a slap in the face. It would be the ultimate warcry. The lasting breath. To laugh in the face of evil. I wanna do that someday…I wanna do that really bad."
"I'd love to be there when it happens."
"Sure, Jordan! A-As long as I'm not laughing at you!!"
"Heheheheheh……how about with me??"
"That'll do!! Hehehehe!!"
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
I gulped down the last of the glass, exhaled, and planted it down. I looked up with weak black eyes through my shades.
Cyborg and Beast Boy leaned their heads across the table. Gawking.
Beast Boy whistled. "That's your third glass of Dr. Pepper!! You're insane, Noir!!"
I smiled dizzily and leaned back in my chair. I smiled and hugged myself. There was a vibration running through my bloodstream. The sugar, syrup, and carbonation of the steady chain of soft drinks was pushing my anxiety away.
There's more than one way to get 'drunk'.
"Friends…our nooby is desperate," Robin smirked…sitting next to Starfire in the booth of the Denny's along with the rest of us. He lifted a glass at me from across the table. "I toast to caffeine and Noir's bladder!!"
Glasses lifted.
"Here here!!"
I dizzily waved a hand and closed my black eyes…tilting my head back against the seat. I took a deep breath and enjoyed the carbonated 'high' that ran through me.
God I was weak…
"So you never told us, B.B.," Cyborg smirked, looking over at the changeling. "What is the worst joke you ever told?!"
"Yes, Beast Boy!" Starfire smiled. "You must educate us with your lowest form of jocularity!!"
Beast Boy blushed. "Hey…I said I could admit to telling a bad joke once! I didn't say it was 'awful', though!"
"Beast Boy with a rare form of blunt honesty…," Raven mumbled, sucking at a straw. "I find this rather interesting, actually."
Our waitress came by.
"Another round, Noir?" Robin asked.
I opened my black eyes. I looked up at the woman through the shades. I smirked and pointed for her to fill another pitcher of Dr. P.
Beast Boy and Cyborg chuckled.
"Your funeral!!"
The waitress silently complied.
I busied myself with another tall glass of soda.
Beast Boy cleared his throat: "Well….you see…it was months ago. When Terra was still around."
"We hear ya," Cyborg nodded. For a split second, everyone was neither smiling nor frowning. They were considerate with Beast Boy with this one. They were always considerate when one of his recollections had to do with Terra.
I sipped the Dr. Pepper mightily and listened in.
"The two of us were at an arcade…the night she defeated Mumbo Jumbo," Beast Boy blushed. "And…um…w-we were having pizza together……….together…."
Cyborg winked. "And??"
"What was your 'most terrible joke'??" Starfire smiled.
"We've been dying to hear!" Robin said.
Beast Boy shifted in his seat. "It's nothing…."
"Come on!!!"
"Tell us!!"
"Please!!"
"Just get it over with already……."
I sipped the Dr. Pepper until it was gone. I exhaled. Leaned back. Closed my eyes again. I saw stars under my eyelids.
Beast Boy sweatdropped. "Um….don't ask me how it came up….but, Terra…..sh-she said: 'You must be hung like a horse'. And almost immediately, I looked at her and jokingly said 'Ya know what…that's actually doable'."
Silence.
"………………………….," the Titans stared at Beast Boy.
He winced and slid down till his body practically hid under the table. "I-I knew it was a lousy joke—"
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!" Cyborg and Robin joined in at once. Raven had a hand over her mouth…trying desperately to hide a smirk.
Beast Boy's eyes bulged white. He shook out of it and stood straight up again. "Wh-What?! You actually l-liked that joke?!?!"
"Liked it?!?!" Robin chuckled and wiped a tear of laughter that seeped out from under his eyemask. "That's the funniest thing I've heard in years!!"
"Ohhhh man!!!" Cyborg doubled over and pounded the chair with his laughter. The empty dishes and glasses rattled. "I wish I was there, man!! Pure gold!! HA!!"
Raven's face flushed as she tried to suppress a giggle.
Starfire blinked. "I do not understand." A beat. "Is it not cruel in Earth's modern times to hang a horse?"
"N-No, Star…," Robin chuckled and wheezed. "That's not what he meant…"
The alien girl thought aloud. "Beast Boy desired to hang himself on top of a horse?! W-We cannot have let him do that!!"
"No…it….he…..erhm….," Robin blushed.
Beast Boy had on a proud smile. "Well…didn't know I had it in me!"
"You probably don't," Raven droned. "It was a joke, after all."
Cyborg: "HA HA HA!!"
Beast Boy stuck a tongue out.
Raven slurped from her straw.
I was only half there. I kept thinking about the sunset. It burned in my brain. In my shut black eyes.
After the fourth glass of soda, I had a fifth. And half of a sixth.
The Titans were all laughing and talking about something. It was well into the late hours, and we were the only ones in the Denny's.
The caffeinated beverage was having its voluminous effect on me. But it was working in the opposite fashion. Just like the happiness of the evening was working in an opposite fashion for me. My limbs shook with the constant need to flail about and expend the energy and desire to bounce off walls. But I refused. I sat still. My eyes shut. Resting back against the cushion. Breathing slowly. My blood started to boil. I wanted to explode. To dance on the table. To sail through the ceiling. But I kept perfectly still. Even as my kidneys screamed, I remained in ascetic meditation. Punishing myself.
Thinking of the sunset.
And it was then that it happened. The sugar and the anxiety merged together and melted the walls of my temporal lobes. My black eyes bulged open. Everything around me was a bubble of obscurity. I could see the faces of the Titans. But I was in another age. Another time. And so were they. Their smiling faces turned into sobs and cries. Their round eyes turned into shocked expressions. We were on the rooftops to the City. My fists were sailing at them. I was looking through Wyldecarde's goggles.
Something inside me twitched. In that briefest of jolts, reality returned and I saw the bench at Denny's again. The blushing faces as Cyborg told horror stories of how he first learned to use his tube. Beast Boy cutting in with the usual, comedic interjection. Then everything once again fading as my eyes lowered and I seemed to drift away into my subconscious. It was like trying to stay awake in the classroom. The brain lingers on reality and sub-reality and the pink haze in-between. The carbonated soda bubbled up and pushed me to the surface of some grand lake of rushing water that boiled over an edge. And when I fell over that edge I gasped because Wyldecarde was once again beating his loved ones to a pulp. And that pulp was running red like spaghetti sauce. All around me. On a platform of pure metal. And there was Myrkblade in my grasp and a skeleton shadow in the corner looking at me across a river of black and crimson with the face of a ghostly white and I was laughing and I was laughing and in the corner of the horizon I saw the smile of Ana turn into a howling scream and then everything turned into tunnel vision as I realized Slade's mask was trying to swallow my face alive and the pain in my left arm returned and there was some foreign metal snake trying to squirm its way up my god damn skin and bone with mandibles of shivering cold--
CLANK!!!
All five Titans jumped.
My prosthetic was clamping hard to the table. I was sweating all over. I swallowed a dryness in my throat.
They all looked at me….mouths agape with confusion and concern.
I composed myself. I hand-signed shakily to Cyborg.
'I have to go to the bathroom'
"No doubt, Noir," he smirked.
The others chuckled.
It was not as much doom and gloom as I thought.
I bowed lightly, scooted out of my seat, and limped my dizzy way to the men's room.
They continued on laughing and talking and being cheerful behind me…
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
By the time I burst in through the door to the men's room, the shivering was at a fever pitch. I felt my legs would snap like icicles beneath me.
I rushed across the room…passed the urinals…ducked into a stall…kicked the door closed behind me…dove straight for the toilet…and threw up.
The vomit came out of my mouth like a torrent. Thick and dark. Like hundreds of miles making up what was left of this godawful continent. The muddy earth. The green algae of the ponds and rivers. The shithole smell of abandoned forests under the panicked feet of a fugitive from himself.
I heaved.
I barely caught my breath.
I threw up again…hunched over the seat.
The smell was awful. Worst than the iciness in my body and throat. It smelled like copper. Like blood. The mush flowed out from my lips like wet scraps of unkosher meat. And I saw my reflection from four years ago. A butchered boy with short black hair and a splotch of ragged skin and exposed flesh for a neck. A slash in the shape of an X that would never go away. My vocal chords melted into a stream of phlegm much like that which was strewing over the toilet and tile then and there.
I hacked.
I coughed and sputtered.
I teetered over from my 'accomplishment' and shivered against the side of the stall. And I was sobbing. I was shaking all over. There was no joy for me that evening. I was a coward. I couldn't go west anymore.
Like a dog that goes 'into a forest'. The furthest it ever goes is halfway. I could go into this vacation…but I could not come out the other side. The rest of the Titans—my friends—could. But not me. Not this ghost. Not this waste of existence.
The tears poured out of my black eyes, danced off the dark plastic of my shades, and fell to the floor to mix with the vomit.
I clutched my skull, curled into a sickening fetus, and shivered all over like I was entombed inside an ice berg.
All those days…I kept trying to avoid it. To outrun it. But every now and then—between the laughter. Between the smiles. It all broke through. The simple truth. The horrifically simple truth.
I was alone. I was so damn alone. And I had done it to myself. Long before I had even joined the Titans…I had done it to myself. They couldn't chase away the symptoms. And they couldn't do away with the cause.
They could only be themselves. Beg for help as I may—even though I wouldn't—no good would come out of it.
I was alone.
I was alone and I needed help.
I needed atonement.
I needed unconditional warmth.
I needed…….