109. Collapse?
Robin sat up with a gasp.
He was sweating all over.
He pushed the covers off his lower body and panted for breath.
As he slowly calmed down, he ran his hands over his eyemasked face. There were hard lines pressed into his skin.
He inhaled long and hard…then sighed.
Silence.
He glanced at his bedside table.
He opened the drawer.
The same old photograph was inside. The faded snapshot from a bus terminal's security camera. An obscured figure, pixilated and monochromatic.
His fingers traced the edges of the picture frame with something akin to jaded longing…
"It's always hardest this time of year….."
A beat.
He gazed over at a half-filled duffel back waiting for him on a desk chair.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
Autumn was coming.
I could smell it.
I stood atop the roof of the Titans' Tower.
A wind was kicking at me.
A cool wind.
I smiled into the air of late September.
There was something I terribly adored about the coolness of this region. Here in the northeast, coolness spoke of a different sort of relaxation. It was the crispness of Fall and the fruits of death. Far from the sensations that the Pacific winds had to offer.
I felt at ease.
I turned around and walked the small length to where my scabbard lie. I had finished morning meditation and laid it there for the time being.
As I strapped it back over my shoulders, I heard the throttling of an engine. Curious, I walked back to the edge and glanced over.
In clear view, the R-Cycle was zooming down the land ridge and towards the main land of the City. I watched as a familiar motorcyclist took off towards the suspension bridge.
I scratched my head and wandered over towards the stairwell.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
"And in such a manner, you can amplify your sonic cannon by about tenfold!"
Cyborg beamed. "Wow…that's awesome, Star. Now where did you say one could find these acoustic crystals at?"
She smiled and held her hands behind her back. "On the Phonbar Moons of Vlenedock, of course!"
Cyborg sweatdropped. "Er….I think that's kinda outside of my driving range, Star."
"Hehehehe. You need not worry. I can acquire them for you sometime in the future."
"Well, allright! That'd surely help out in the battlefield! Thanks a bunch, Star."
"I welcome you."
I walked into the Main Room from the stairwell. I glanced Cyborg's way and hand-signed.
He looked at me from the couch. "Hmm? Robin? Yeah, he left minutes ago."
Starfire flashed him a look like she had no clue of that. "Did he truly?"
"Mmmmhmmm," the android nodded.
I raised an eyebrow. I hand-signed some more.
"Oh, I dunno. Back to Gotham, probably. He does this once every few weeks or months or whatnot?"
I still seemed confused.
Cyborg blinked at me. "Well…of course you know…………..he's got another life, man."
I mouthed: 'oh'. I nodded, but my black eyes were trailing under my shades.
"Heh…I know. It's always wyrd for any of us the first time we see it," Cyborg smirked. "But we gotta respect it, ya know? Heck, if I had an alternative identity…I wouldn't want everyone nosing in on my business or whatnot."
I glanced over at Starfire. She was staring off into space. She said:
"Did Robin say when he may be back?"
Cyborg glanced at her. "You mean he didn't tell you?"
"……"
"Er…..well…..can't be all that long. A few days at most. Remember last time? He was only gone for a weekend."
"Yes, that is true," Starfire said. Her gaze lingered on the floor….but suddenly and spastically lifted back up to chest level as she smiled: "Well…there are tasks around the Tower to attend to, are there not?"
"Um….sure."
"I shall quickly employ myself in such. Hail me on the communicator if I am needed for any eventuality."
"Take it easy, Star."
The Tamaranian floated away.
I looked in the direction that she had left.
Cyborg whipped out a remote and started flipping through channels on the t.v.
"You okay, Noir?" he spoke. "You look comatose."
I shrugged.
"Tired?"
I wasn't. But I yawned anyways.
"I know the feeling. You'd think summer would last forever and let us sleep. But nah….things have to get cold….eventually, that is."
I nodded.
"You seen B.B. around at all?" the android Titan asked.
"He's in the gym," Raven said.
I turned and saw her floating cross-legged besides the windows with a book. I hadn't realized she was there.
"What's he doing there?" Cyborg asked.
"Don't know. Don't care."
"Thanks for the extra info." Cyborg looked at me and smiled. "Wanna sit here and watch the tube with me, Noir? It's an all day Graham Kerr marathon on the Food Channel!"
I made a face and shook my head. I walked off.
"Heh heh heh…I'll call you when there's some sort of samurai special on, dawg." And he clicked the remote some more.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
"Nnnghh!!" SWOOOSH!!! "Hyaa!!" SWISSH!! "HAA!!" SWOOOSH!!!
I stepped into the gym.
I froze………staring.
Beast Boy was pacing across the sparring mat with what was quite obviously a wooden training sword. It would appear that a certain green someone had been down to my room. And now everyone's favorite changeling was decked up in a white gi and a ridiculous red bandanna (actually, it was mine but it looked big on him) and was proceeding to practice some….inaccurate sword moves.
I smirked and leaned with a hand on my hip. Watching.
Beast Boy sliced the air, spiraled once, twice, caught sight of me—and lost his balance. "Waaaah---whoah!!" THWUMP!! He landed hard on his rear. The wooden sword clattered to the floor besides the mat. He winced.
I walked over.
"Er…..eheheh….hey there, dude," he uttered. I offered him a hand and he stood up, brushing himself off. "Um….I was just….er….ya know…."
I pointed at the sword.
He simpered. "I-I was gonna put it back."
"…………," I stared.
"R-Really!" he sweatdropped. "I w-was…"
"………," I smirked.
He breathed easier. "So….I was sorta…..ya know….."
I leaned my head to the side.
He swallowed and gestured. "Ya know…it's so cool how you and Robin swing those staffs around and I thought---'Dude, it'd be awesome if I could do that myself!' I mean, you never know when someday I might lose my power—though I seriously doubt that would ever happen cuz if it did then I'd be dead cuz I'd be reverted back into human state and I can't handle human state because of the age-old venom in my bloodstream and---"
I held a finger up. I walked over. I picked up the sword. I handed the hilt to him.
"……..," he hesitantly took it. "Dude….does this mean you're gonna show me how to use it?"
I smirked. CHIIIING!! I whipped out Myrkblade and held it in a specific pose. I pointed at myself then gestured towards him.
He blinked. "Oh!" he exclaimed. With a giggle, he twirled the blade into position. "L-Like this?"
I walked over and adjusted his limbs so that he took the proper stance.
"Er….this is rather uncomfortable….," his knees began to wobble beneath him.
I nodded. That was the whole point.
I then gestured towards myself and slowly pivoted Myrkblade around as I stepped forward stealthily.
He did his best to mimic me.
I then twirled the blade in slow motion, jabbed in reverse, then gradually brought the blade around from the side towards an invisible head.
Beast Boy followed along—but in the 'spinning' process, he all but fell down. "Whoah!!"
I caught him before he could collapse.
He blushed. "I look like a frickin' idiot, don't I?"
I smiled. I was patient with him. I guided him back into the starting position and we started over again.
I never meant any wrong to Beast Boy, but I highly doubted he'd be capable of learning anything from that 'training'. Much less overnight. I think all he wanted Especially from an 'older brother'.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
Cyborg flipped through channels…..and flipped through channels……and flipped through channels…….
…….
"Do you ever stay on one station?"
Cyborg smirked without looking. "Is that book too boring?"
"You're a distraction."
"Okay. For one thing, I have the volume down super-low. For another….your back's turned away from the screen, girl!"
Raven groaned. She flipped a page in her book from where she hovered. "Distraction invades many, many dimensions."
"Yeah. I bet it does. Did it ever occurred to you that—with my cybernetic implants—I am ten times more receptive to audible and visual acuity?"
"Could have surprised me."
"Anyways, what's your deal?"
Raven closed the book. She 'swiveled around' in her hovering position.
"Why is it that you're always quick to assume that I have a 'deal'??"
"Aren't I always right on?"
"………"
"Just saying, girl….! I'll keep my mouth shut, if necessary."
Raven glanced at the far side of the Main Room. "Far be it from me to pry…but Robin really ditched this place pretty quickly."
"Far be it from you to pry…."
"….."
"What are you getting at, Rae?"
"I remember the same thing happening around this time last year."
"Yeah, me too, actually."
"Last year, it was late September when he left without much warning. It was like he was really adamant on going…..to his other life."
"Or maybe he just wants to be in Gotham," Cyborg shrugged. "Something tells me there's something about this time of year that makes him…..want to go back 'home'."
"How so?"
"Well, I can't explain it, Rae. I just feel it. Like from one guy to another. When you don't talk about anything but just do it…it means that there's something important about it. There's something very important to Robin about being back in Gotham this time of year. That's all."
Raven took a breath and nodded. "I sense something too. Robin is hiding something."
Cyborg laughed.
Raven glared.
"Isn't Robin ALWAYS hiding something?! Ha ha ha!"
"Duh," Raven droned. "But it's different with this. With today. With this same time last year."
"Yeah??"
"Robin's secret….his identity…," Raven said, "….it's always the fulcrum of his secrets. It's the last line of respect that he has for himself. Beyond ego. Beyond selfishness. He would give up his identity in a heartbeat if it meant protecting or saving any one of us in some bizarre circumstance that would require it. This I know as well. But there's something else he's hiding."
"Like what?"
Raven shook her blue head. "I don't know, Cyborg."
"Well…you think it's dangerous or something??"
"No, not dangerous," Raven said. A beat. She sighed. "But certainly….very painful….."
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
Beast Boy bit his lip.
He was sweating.
I effortlessly posed the meditative stance that he was supposed to mimic. I stood on one leg with my other brought to my knee while I had Myrkblade held out with a tilted body. I was so at ease, I could have been whistling.
Beast Boy in the meantime looked like he was having a seizure. He struggled to keep the pose for as long as I was. Three minutes.
I looked at him and realized he was about to die.
"I think samurai's school is outside of my scholarship, dude," he wheezed.
I nodded.
I trudged forward on one foot and lunged with my sword, twirling it and hopping back into a pose identical to the one we had at the beginning of the lesson.
No later than three seconds into the mimicry, Beast Boy collapsed.
"OOF!!"
I winced….then repressed a chuckle.
He shook his head dizzily and sat on his rear. "Well….maybe next time we can work on the 'slicing people's organs out' part."
I smirked and sat down beside him.
He panted for breath.
I patted him on the back and winked.
He looked at me. "All that posing and meditative exercise stuff…..it looks so lame on the outside, but it's really pretty freakin' hard!"
I raised an eyebrow.
"Er…..lame in a good way?"
I shook my head.
He unraveled his bandanna and stared at the floor. A beat. He took a breath: "Who do you think Robin is, Noir? I mean…in real life?"
I took a deep breath.
I shrugged.
"I mean…..he can't be anything bad, right?" he looked at me with round, green eyes. "Robin wouldn't hide something from us that would mean we'd have to….I dunno….do him in or something?"
I smirked. I slowly shook my head.
He didn't smile back. He stared down at the floor. "It kinda….bothers me, sometimes. Ya know?"
I leaned my head to the side.
"Just….the whole secret identity thing. Who needs it? We sure don't. What's got Robin so stuck up? Why's he still using it and stuff? It's so….so stupid…."
A beat.
He sighed. "But….I'm not Robin. I should…respect his 'anonymity' and jazz." A beat.
Beast Boy looked at me.
He said: "You……y-you would tell us, Noir, if there was something in YOUR past that would be bad, right?"
"……." I stared at him.
"I mean….so that'd we help you and stuff if you needed it?"
"…………." I blinked under my shades. Slowly, I smiled and nodded weakly.
Beast Boy smirked at that a little. "Awesome, dude. It's nice to….be able to lean on each other, ya know?"
I looked off towards the far side of the gym.
A beat.
"Robin….I think he's a lot more alone than he needs to be…."
I had no response to that.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
"If Robin had something really bothering him…he wouldn't tell us, would he?"
"You're rather accurate, Cyborg."
The two stood across from each other with a cushion and a half separating them on the couch.
Raven's book was on a table.
The t.v. had been turned off.
"Sometimes, that guy really drives me up the wall," Cyborg admitted with a moan. He rubbed the human part of his scalp and spoke: "I mean…I understand he's seen a lot more action in the field of crime fighting than the rest of us. But it gets rather testy having to follow the commands of a little runt who's not only smaller and younger than me, but has his own egotistical thorns that brush up against the rest of us."
"Everyone has rough edges," Raven droned. "You should learn to deal with it."
"And I do!" Cyborg exclaimed. "And believe me—I trust Robin and all that he stands for. And in no way am I challenging his authority! I only mean to say that….well…having to do whatever he says and live up to his standards while he holds so many secrets from the rest of us seems—"
"Unfair?"
Cyborg looked at Raven. Slowly, he nodded. "Yeah….exactly…"
"I believe it is an illusion of modern society that fairness is indicative of life," she said. "I'm sure you—as much as myself—can relate to the absurdity of such a principal."
"Pretty grim, Raven," Cyborg smirked at her. "You still got secrets like Robin to hold?"
"I've never had secrets," she uttered.
Cyborg did a double-take at her. "What?! What are you talking about?"
She glanced at him. "What you see is what you get. There was never anything worth knowing or learning about me."
"But all those times Beast Boy or I ever pried—"
"I maintain that it is not important to know about my past," Raven said. "Our personal lives never have and still do not matter in the long run when it comes to our crime fighting."
Cyborg smirked. "Then why the sudden concern over Robin's 'painful secret'?"
"………"
Cyborg sighed with a slight smile. He folded his arms and looked off out the distant windows of the Main Room.
A beat.
"I've come to realize that—at this point in my life—all I should ever expect from life in terms of stability is the warmth of my friends around me. Not necessarily intimate friendship….but….just 'family'." He looked Raven's way out of the corner of his human eye. "And I wouldn't enjoy that sort of…camaraderie if I realized that my very same 'comrades' weren't wanting to do the same."
"What are you getting at, Cyborg….?"
"Well…it's sort of an off-topic way of my saying….," he smirked, "….you've been opening up a lot, Raven. And I'm proud of you. And if it helps at all to know….it makes me feel good."
"Feel good?"
"To be there for you, ya know?"
"……"
"When you and Robin first approached me about forming the 'Titans' and using this Tower that my dad built and all….I felt like life was gonna suck big time. Cuz I was stuck with a pair of dry sponges!!" He laughed. "You and Robin were so stuck up—if you pardon me—and just afraid to do anything but frown or kick bad guy butt. And….yeah…that's cool and badass and all, but I felt like I had no hope in supporting you all and being supported. Cuz when you fight for justice, you put your whole life into it. Your whole life and your whole emotion and….just everything. Too much than an average person an repress."
"Are you calling me average?" Raven glared.
Cyborg chuckled. "No, Raven. I'm calling you versatile." He smirked. "Cuz in the long run….you broke, girl. Don't think of it as a bad thing. Just think of it as a gradual way of….of….."
"Going insane?"
"That too," Cyborg smiled. "But more like…….learning to collapse. And liking it."
"…………"
"Am I going way over your head or something?"
"No…," Raven sighed. "I just don't…..agree with a lot that you're saying."
"You don't have to. Hell, you never HAVE to."
She nodded. "I'm guessing you're expecting Robin to collapse."
"Oh yeah. Heheh."
"You think he will?"
"You tell me, Raven."
"………..I believe that he will."
"And would you like that?"
"It is not an issue of my liking it or not liki—"
Cyborg held a hand up. "Let's try this. Would you feel like Robin's more trustworthy and acceptable if he were to spill his guts?"
"…………"
"Well?"
"Yes."
Cyborg gestured. "That wasn't so hard, was it?"
"But Robin's wishes are what matter most," Raven said. "As do mine."
"Of course. I know that quite well."
"Though, I must admit…..," Raven said, "….it is rather remarkable that Robin has maintained his secret identity for so long."
"What makes you say that?"
"With my empathy and your cybernetic detective skills and Beast Boy's senses—"
"He could be anybody in the world," Cyborg smirked. "As could you!"
"I already told you, I have no secrets," she droned.
Cyborg chuckled. "You mean…you don't have a secret identity??"
"No, I do not."
"No family or household with a dog and a big green yard waiting for you in Florida or something?"
"I don't have a family."
"……..," Cyborg blinked. "You…..you don't, Rae?"
She stared off into space.
He leaned forward. "Raven?"
She looked at him. "What?"
"You're…..without a family?"
"It depends on your definition of a family," she said emotionlessly. "I was trained by the granddaughter of Azar in the dimension from which I came, and in a way she served as my female guardian. But I was more-or-less foster-cared for by multiple priests and priestesses in Azarrath before arriving in this world. Most of those whom I knew in my childhood are either dead or exist in a posthumous state that defies all natural law on this plane."
"……..," Cyborg stared. His mouth slightly agape. "I….I-I had no idea, Raven. I mean….I….I-I assumed some things but……damn…….damn, that's tough."
"It is the past from which I come," Raven spoke. "It is a part of me, and I am not ashamed nor am I regretful for whatever perceivable 'tragedy' may have transpired in my past. I take that which is in my memories and make the best of it. As I'm sure you do."
"Yeah….," Cyborg nodded and took a breath. "I do."
A beat.
The android reached a hand to her shoulder. "Ya know….if you ever want to talk about it—"
"I don't."
He winced. He swallowed, "Well……just know that you have people you can talk about it with."
"You mean….to collapse with?" Raven asked.
He nodded silently.
She smirked a bit.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
Typing fingers.
Wires and code and plastic.
A brilliant white glare against dark shades.
I blinked my eyes. I had the laptop's monitor on its lowest brightness. Still, it was rather murderous to stare at. But I was used to such. Just walking outside on a summer day brought the same….minor 'discomfort'.
I sat cross-legged on the bed in my room, dressed casually in a black undershirt and black slacks. My other favorite color….
My fingers typed across the laptop, which was wirelessly 'connected' to the mainframe of the Tower's Computer.
I was presently searching the archives and coming up with .pdf files of the Gotham City Review. Multiple splash images of front pages flipped across the screen. The date of the newspapers….years going back and focusing on approximately that time of the year…
Late September.
Nothing of special interest crossed my black eyes, apart from the random robbery stopped by Batman.
But nothing pertaining to Robin.
And then I struck it.
My fingers froze amidst typing.
My black eyes narrowed.
Four years ago exactly—from the day following in September—was a cover page that detailed the capture and containment of Matt Hagen, a.k.a. Clayface. And sure enough, Robin was at the scene. But as the headline detailed, there were no specific information regarding how much of a part Robin played in the incident.
I narrowed my eyes and centered the file on the photo taken at Clayface's location of capture.
What I saw was the fuzzy image of a dark factory, plastered against Gotham City's nightmarishly trademark sky of blood red. And in the background of the picture—slender and haunting—was the shimmering visage of a lighthouse.
I took a deep breath and leaned back. I rested my arms behind my back.
A beat.
My eyes trailed towards the ceiling of my 'room'.
I had the entire height of the Tower above me.
I felt like such a hermit…and for the first time in ages, I felt bold enough to compare myself to Robin.
And I pitied the both of us.
A sigh.
I shut the laptop off and exited my room.
Heading upstairs…
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
I walked through the elevator doors and into the Main Room.
I trotted towards the kitchen area with the thought of a sandwich on my mind….when I froze.
Starfire was sitting by herself besides the Window. Lonely and still. Staring….northward.
I stared at her.
"…….."
I leaned my head to my side.
For a moment there, I couldn't understand why she was so lonely….so still….so bored…..
And then I realized it was because her best friend wasn't there.
I took a deep breath.
A beat.
I forwent the sandwich and walked across the Main Room.
At the last second, Starfire turned and looked at me. She held a hand over her heart. "Oh! Noir! Excuse me….your quiet manner is still rather startling to me."
I simply smiled.
She giggled a little…then sighed. "I am out of things to do." A beat. She blinked and looked back out the window. "It is not that I desire chaos in this wondrous City, but a call to action would be most….time consuming."
I nodded. I slowly sat down on the side of the couch closest to her. I whipped out a deck of cards and started spreading them across the table for solitaire.
Starfire kept staring out the window.
I silently went about a game.
"……….."
"……….."
"……….."
"…………"
"…………the sunset on your planet is a strangely beautiful one."
I looked at her.
She glanced back at me from the windows. "No green. Only red and gold."
I smirked and mouthed 'green???'.
She giggled and nodded with her eyes pleasantly closed. "It has something to do with the air molecules and the way they refract the natural hue of our sun along the horizon. It is a similar equation as how your sunset is red and gold. Only, a different result."
I nodded.
A beat.
"The first time I ever truly sat down and watched a Terran sunset….I was told of how much I belonged here," Starfire spoke towards oblivion. Her hand reached up and pushed a lock of red hair over her left ear. She breathed in and continued: "I was told that nobody could ever take my place."
I stared at her from behind.
She hugged herself. "I….I wonder….am I lucky? Are there people around me who…..are unfortunate enough to not truly understand the solidarity of their 'place'?"
I swallowed and stared back at my cards. We both knew who she was talking about. Just….neither of us admitted it.
I continued setting up my game.
Starfire turned and looked over her shoulder. She blinked. She said: "Soul of the tear?"
I chuckled breathily and nodded with a 'somewhat' gesture.
She giggled. "It seems so simplistic a game. I wonder what the secrets are to enjoying it?"
I shrugged.
"Would you mind if I………watch you, Noir?"
I shook my head with a smile. I pointed to the chair across the way.
She slowly shuffled over and sat, smiling.
Pleasantly, she watched me as I went through a game. I tried my mute best to show her the simplicities of placing which card where. And at some point or another—she all but ignored the 'lesson' as she rambled on and on about….silly things. Silly things, like the 'idiosyncrasies of Terran vernacular' or the 'hallucinogenic properties of mustard' or 'the exaggeration of the process of capitalistically acquiring a sling' or many of Starfire's other little whimsical curiosities which she daily and emphatically shared with Robin.
Only, I was not Robin. But I was happily there to distract and absorb Starfire's isolated ramblings for the period of time it took for the true Boy Wonder to reappear…..and that ended up being only two days.