From then on when I felt my baby kick I smiled instead of feeling like I wanted to throw up, I thought of her as my pretty little princess and not a child that belonged to an animal, She was no longer his she was just mine, my little girl. I wrote about her in my diary and tried to think of names, but I was never good at that stuff. So I decided to leave that bit for the moment. I went to bed early that night and for once my night was not full off the horrible nightmare that was in my thoughts every single night since it happened, No I dreamt of that first but then it changed, I was dreaming of pushing my little girl on a swing in the back garden, I dreamed of her smiling at me. It was a dream I hoped to have again.
I woke the next morning to the sound of the alarm and I got out of bed easier than all the other mornings, I got in the shower and was refreshed by the spray of the water, I decided to get dresses, properly instead of all the hideous choices I had been wearing these past few months, it was getting harder to find clothes that weren't tight now, but I managed and took a mental note to go shopping.
I chose a black skirt with a pick tank top and a pair of black flats, it wasn't as colourful and stylish as my outfits used to be, but it was the first skirt I had worn since then. I felt good about it, the top showed off my bump too, I was ready to show off my little girl to the world, no matter how I felt about that I was ready.
I was just about to leave when the door knocked, I answered and it was Finn, he smiled at me and I found it in myself to smile back, I know he's doing all he can for me, but I wish he would stop fussing over me constantly, it was getting irritating. "I thought you could use a lift" he said and I smiled, accepting his offer.
"Sure, I'll see you later" I said to my dad's and they smiled at me before I closed the door and slimed into Finn's car resting my hand almost instinctively on my baby bump when I got in.
"How are you?" he asked me
"I'm fine" I said and I seen him frown a little "I really am Finn, I just down want people making a fuss off me, I want to get through this without everyone constantly asking how I am, because the truth is if I wanted to you to know I would tell you" I couldn't help but say this, it was as if my mouth wouldn't let it stay inside, I felt like a criminal when his face dropped slightly, I could tell I upset him. "I'm sorry" I said "It's just I've been in a really bad place these past few months and sometimes I feel like I need people, but when those times come I will let you know, I love that you are looking out for me, but I don't need it all the time, but thanks" I said
He smiled a little "I know I've went overboard trying to be by your side every minute, but I just want to know your okay, I just want to protect you" he looked at me, and I knew he was still blaming himself and this is where all off this had come from, that made me more angry, because I hated him blaming himself, tears came to my eyes as I saw the hurt in his.
I shook my head "How many times do I have to tell you this isn't your fault Finn? I can see you beating yourself up and what's that going to do? All you're doing id causing me more pain, because I see you like this and for what? I'm fine Finn I'm getting over this slowly, but I am getting there, please just stop blaming yourself" I really feel hatred for him now, not for Finn but for his mind blaming him on what happened
"Sorry" he sighed, "I will try, and I'll leave you alone!" he said and I frowned, I didn't want him to stop all contact!
"No, Finn I don't want you to leave me alone!" I laugh a little and his stupidity "I just want you to back off a little" I emphasise the 'little' so he doesn't get even more confused "I just want you to stop asking me if I'm ok, and I want you to start treating me like you did before, I may be hurting and stuff, but that's for me to sort and if I want you to help I'll ask you, don't stop talking to me or anything, that would hurt more" I smile and he nods "Thank you"
"I'm sorry, I promise we'll go back to the way it was, does this mean you'll sing with me again?" he asks, and I can see the hope beaming through his eyes, I nod and his smile turns to a grin
He parked the car in the lot and we both get out, we walk to the school and Finn tells me of all the songs he had in mind and I just smile and nod at each of them, we walk towards the choir room and I see Quinn on the way, I tell Finn I'll be right in and thankfully he just agrees.
"Hey" I say when I approach her, she smiles clearly happy to see me smiling.
"Hey yourself" she says "Are you coming to glee?" she asks, I nod and she smiles and links my arm "Good" she says
"How's the baby?" I ask looking at her large bump
"She's fine, how yours?" she asks with a little laugh, I know it because we're both in the same situation, both going to be mom's in a matter of months, but I know the laugh is to hide her hurt for me, the laugh is there in case I take it the wrong way and burst into tears.
"She's good" I say and smile at Quinn, rubbing my hand on her bump "Maybe they could be Bff's?" I laugh, but Quinn's face falls into a frown, I can tell she's thinking that she won't be there to be my baby's Bff because Quinn won't be keeping her, I'm not sure what I'm doing but at this moment I know what Quinn is.
"Maybe" she sighs "But who knows if she will know your little one"
"Sorry" I say "I should have thought" I feel horrible, because I made Quinn fell like this, I didn't mean to upset her, it just came out.
"It's ok, I still haven't made up my mind 100%" she says "But I am 99" she sighs again as we walk into the choir room and everyone looks at me, first just a look of pity, but then their faces show me a smile and I return it.
"Are we ready?" Mr Shue asks, handing out sheet music to us all.
"We're ready" I accept the music a take a look before standing up as the music begins.
Finn begins and I join in one the second verse, I know that this song is for me, but as I'm singing I'm looking at Quinn, Because right now I want to be there for her, I know exactly what she is going through, and I want her to know she will always have me to talk to, and I feel that she will always be there for me too.
I see Finn singing, and he is looking straight at me, then I look around and so is everyone else, I feel happy straight away and my voice breaks out and it tops everyone's the first time I have felt so confident in my voice since that day, the first time I have really sung anything since then and it feels great.
Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold
Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
You are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
You are not alone
All alone
Why, oh
Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
So forever can begin
Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Then something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
And you are not alone
Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'
And girl you know that I'll be there
I'll be there
You are not alone
I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
You are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone
I smile as the song finishes and I hug Quinn, she returns the hug and I feel completely happy, no sign of hurt or pain in me.
"We missed that Rach" Mr Shue smiles.