Things to Know: AU where there is no Chimera Ant arc (and Gon and Killua don't part). Related to previous chapter, "Denial"
Libido
Sigmund Freud's terminology of sexual energy or sexual drive.
The first time they kiss, Gon doesn't exactly anticipate Killua's reaction.
See, Gon's never really put much forethought into his friend's reaction—no, scratch that. He hasn't really put much thought into kissing him at all beyond the vague curiosity that accompanied the idea when it happened to drift through his head on occasion. There was no vivid romantic fantasy, no little fluttering feeling as he imagined what it would feel like. He just sometimes wondered what it would be like to kiss Killua without having any real inclination to find out.
Today is different. Way different.
The two of them had been eating pancakes for breakfast, and per usual Killua had drenched his in chocolate sauce and ended up with brown lips by the end of the meal. And boom. Next thing Gon knew, he was staring and wondering like usual.
But this time, instead of getting distracted and forgetting about it in a matter of minutes, the idea had stuck in his head. It wouldn't budge the whole day, poking and prodding at his mind every time Killua laughed or smiled that special little smile reserved for friends (Gon) or so much as patted his shoulder, everything adding another log to the fire. The curiosity grew with each passing minute along with a sense of expectation and want that was unfamiliar.
By the time they're sitting on a bench enjoying the day, Killua slurping some sugary, fast-food drink that turns his lips blue while Gon rattles on about one thing or another, he feels like he's reached the breaking point. He's not really sure what he's talking about anymore, most of his thoughts centered on the overwhelming, explosive feeling stirring in his gut, but then Killua only has half an ear on him anyway as he sucks down the last bit of his drink. He gets up to throw it away before flopping back down next to Gon, shooting him that damn smile again, that blue tint drawing Gon's eyes and… has his face always lit up like that? Has his mouth always seemed so inviting?
I want to kiss Killua, Gon thinks.
So he does.
The first thing he realizes is Killua's lips aren't as smooth as they look. Both their lips are chapped enough that they snag on each other roughly, and Gon can't decide whether he likes the feeling or not. Killua's nose bumps uncomfortably against Gon's, forcing Gon to turn his head, and he tries to use this new angle to his advantage, pressing in farther to a so-far unresponsive Killua. His tongue pokes out of his mouth to lick Killua's chapped lips, make them smoother so he can—
"Ow!" Gon jerks away from Killua, licking his bottom lip and frowning as he rubs his shin. Was that really called for?!
Okay, maybe it was. Again, not much forethought went into the actual act of kissing Killua, but the solid kick to the shin isn't exactly what he would expect for something so simple as a passing, experimental kiss. And it hadn't been a bad kiss! At least it definitely wasn't unpleasant, and if he isn't mistaken he felt Killua press back just for a second before kicking him…. And Killua doesn't seem upset beyond his usual default when Gon's "an idiot" or "difficult," so what's the problem?
"Moron," Killua mutters, rolling his eyes. "Don't…" He pauses, staring at Gon's face with an unreadable expression, shakes his head, and stands up. "Whatever. Just don't."
And that's the end of that. Gon nods and follows Killua back to the hotel, trying to expel every thought and desire from his head that has to do with kissing his best friend again since it's obviously not going to happen.
He has limited success.
Time passes and Gon's thoughts about Killua become more…frequent. Well, his thoughts about sex increase in general, which means naturally his ideas about Killua have extended a bit beyond a passing curiosity at kissing, but he doesn't really think much of it because of course it would happen. Gon views it as instinct, a natural desire just like his eagerness to explore, so he rolls with it and goes on as usual. To him nothing really changes in his life except there are a few more PG-13 and NC-17 thoughts in his head than before. Simple.
Or maybe not so simple.
After their first time when Killua kicked him, Gon figures he'll have to find someone else if he wants to follow that particular instinct, but for years, Gon and Killua have lived on top of one another. They barely separate, and neither of them really makes much of an effort to in the first place, so it becomes really obvious when Gon tries to get away from Killua to go and try to sedate his newfound curiosity about sex.
It goes like this:
Gon changes out of his bright green outfit and puts on jeans.
He's positive this is what makes Killua suspicious in the first place, but what's he supposed to do? In all the times he and Killua have visited bars and such, Gon noticed no one exactly looked at his green jacket and been inclined to initiate contact, not like people seemed to do with Killua no matter what he wore. Or maybe what catches Killua's attention is the fact the outfit is actually his in the first place. Regardless, Gon's stopped before he even makes it half way across their room.
"What the hell are you doing?" Killua asks, clearly amused. He shuts his magazine and straightens up from his slouched position against the rickety headboard of his bed, folding his legs butterfly style and leaning forward, smirking playfully as he waits for an answer.
Gon shrugs and decides to be completely honest. "I'm going to go have sex."
Killua sputters, all of that amusement completely gone, and it takes him a few startled seconds to manage weakly, almost distantly, "In my clothes? Why?"
"Because no one'll like my clothes." Gon gets an absent-minded hum in response. "So…I'm going to go—"
"No!" Killua quickly springs up from his position on the bed to the floor with his face set in an intense scowl, taking a few steps forward before stopping suddenly, confused. He seems to sway on his feet, a light breeze threatening to knock him over, torn between sitting back down and crossing the rest of the distance to Gon.
Gon waits patiently, a bit taken aback. He can't remember the last time Killua reacted like that and honestly demanded something of Gon with such finality in his voice. But then why did he waver so fast? His voice and face (a moment ago at least) had been rigid with stubbornness and anger, but now he looks like a lost little boy left behind by his mother.
Gon takes a step closer the door and Killua, then another until he's standing in between the two. "Can I go?" Killua's face flickers, betraying the emotions thundering in his eyes even as he nods. "Do you want me to go?" Gon amends, shifting closer to his friend.
Killua seems…well, surprised more than anything. He searches Gon's face in wonder, silently questioning if he's serious, and Gon can't figure out why his friend's so shocked. (But now that he thinks about it, when was the last time Gon ever asked—)
"No." Killua swallows and looks away from Gon to the bed. "Can't you just stay here and we can…" He looks away from the bed sharply to the wall. "Watch a movie or something? You know that one we saw a poster for awhile back? With the animated animals? The hotel has it."
"But you didn't want to see it," Gon points out. He watches Killua's cheeks turn pink, caught in the weak lie. That's how Gon knows he's frazzled; his mind's too scattered to even come up with a decent lie.
"I'll stay," Gon says, sitting down on the bed and peering up at his friend, "but I want to know why you want me to stay."
"Why?" Killua shrugs, shoving his hands deep into his pockets and hunching over. A clear sign he's uncomfortable, embarrassed, or a combination of the two, but Gon can't pin down which it is with the other's face completely turned away to study the door. He feels annoyance gathering in his gut. Can't Killua just look at him?
"I dunno," he answers finally. "'Cause?"
Gon frowns, staring at Killua's face and putting an edge of whine in his voice. "Killua, I just want to know. I'm not mad or anything. I just want to know why."
Killua sighs in resignation. He knows that voice. Gon knows he knows that voice. It means he's not going to give this up until he's got an answer. They both know exactly how stubborn he can be.
Killua moves to sit down next to Gon but hesitates. His eyes dart to the other bed in the room, the one he was previously occupying, and he slowly moves to stand right in front of Gon, nearly bumping knees with him.
Gon blinks up patiently at his friend, shoving down some of his more risqué thoughts, which is kinda hard with the position they're in—
Sometimes Gon really forgets how fast Killua can be when he puts his mind to it, especially with that Nen of his. He doesn't even realize Killua's bending down and cupping the nape of his neck until he kisses him, a sharp jolt of electricity shooting through his body from Killua's Nen as he presses their lips together, managing to avoid bumping noses again.
Right away it's obvious that neither boy actually knows what they're doing anymore than the first time, and Killua's whole body reflects his nervousness by locking tensely into place. The kiss is closed-lipped at first, neither doing much as they struggle to find out what to do, but then Killua shifts his head to the right, slotting their lips together more comfortably. Gon hums and moves to meet him, but just when they finally start to get somewhere Killua begins to pull back, startled. They stare at each other, Gon feeling disappointment welling up for a brief moment before his friend pulls him forward again, relaxing his tense spine just the slightest bit.
Gon sits still and forces himself not to act, curious exactly how far Killua will push himself before he stops. It's not hard to stay motionless at first. Killua's always been an over-thinker, and he doesn't stop now. His thoughts are nearly tangible they're so strong, obvious in every touch. Every action reeks of careful consideration and is heavy with the weight of pros and cons and wow Killua needs to stop thinking.
But then Killua moves his lips to tease Gon's mouth open and shifts to kneel, sliding his hand from Gon's neck, across his shoulder, and down his side, lightly stroking his outer thigh before stopping on his knee. Gon has to hold himself back when Killua's tongue sweeps roughly across his bottom lip, but he can't stop the low hum it draws from deep in his chest.
Killua jerks back. He looks at Gon in surprise, breathing roughly, and removes his hand before getting unsteadily to his feet. "Because," he says, swallowing thickly.
All Gon can do is nod in understanding, a noticeable shine in his eyes even as Killua walks over to his own bed and pointedly sits as far from Gon as he can. It's the exact same look he gets when they go adventuring, but there's something more feral in it, something just the slightest bit wild as he regards Killua.
"You think too much," Gon offers, leaning back on his bed.
Killua blushes and mutters, "You taste like grass."
After that kisses become more common. Gon begins to give them to Killua in passing, barely breaking his stride as he walks passed or leaning over in the middle of doing nothing to press a light peck to his mouth. He always leaves it to his friend to push it farther, to grab his wrist or the sleeve of his jacket to stop him and keep him close, drag him back for another. Then it becomes open season.
But still, even if Killua is the one to say go, Gon is the one that says how far. Killua's too calculating to really do much, and Gon isn't patient enough to wait most of the time, so he's usually the one to try something new, to skim his hand just a bit lower or move his mouth to an ear, his neck, his stomach. Sometimes he manages to get Killua to stop thinking and just go with it, to rile Killua up enough that he stops thinking and rolls with it, participating in the silent challenges to see who will make a sound first (nearly always Gon) or who will find a sweet spot on the other's body first (usually ties). Those are the times Gon really enjoys himself, the times when he can honestly say with one hundred percent confidence Killua's having fun too, but nothing ever progresses below the belt. Killua always stops him, and Gon always backs off.
It's the unspoken rule between them (not that they ever talk about what they're doing) that Gon will stop when Killua tells him, which is easier said than done. Gon's really glad he can read Killua's body language so easily and be able to tell when he's not welcome because Killua doesn't say a word. Gon keeps reminding him he can just say something he won't be angry or anything, but the other boy only voices his feelings about a fifth of the time, which means Gon spends nearly every moment they're getting physical watching Killua for any sign he's uncomfortable. The only time he can every relax is when he feels Killua stop thinking and just respond, which is only about half the time when they actually start something. It's enough to drive him insane.
Months go on like this until Gon, being Gon, changes everything.
The first kiss they have in public receives a little more than a kick to the shin.
"What are you doing?" Killua hisses when Gon withdrawals. He grabs Gon's arm and pulls him farther into the shade of trees until they're completely covered, leaving their bags under the tree they had been leaning on. He glances around critically, but it seems no one saw.
"Giving you a kiss." The duh is left unsaid.
"No shit, dumbass." Killua's vocabulary has taken a rather…colorful turn with his age that only shows itself when he's particularly flustered or angry, a habit Mito would surely squash out of him if she ever got wind of it. "Why?
"Why not?"
"Because—" Killua lets out a slow breath of agitated air. Indignant confusion spreads on his face, a thoughtful look flickering across for a moment. He shakes his head. "Your answer wasn't an answer," he accuses, glaring angrily into Gon's eyes.
Gon shrugs. "I wanted to," he says matter-of-factly. "I mean you did too right?" He ignores Killua's stuttered denials. "I've seen you watch a few people with this look on your face that Leorio gets when he sees a cute girl, and I thought that since you wanted to do something, you could just do it with me—"
"But I never said I wanted to kiss you!" Killua snaps. "I don't lean over and kiss you when you look at other people!"
Gon blinks. "I don't mind if you do. What difference does it make? Isn't it all the same?"
A flash of pain darts across Killua's face for only a second, but the intensity of it is enough to leave Gon breathless. He's never seen an expression that raw on his friend's face, and it frankly makes him feel the worst he's ever felt. For the first time since he met Kite, he finds himself utterly stumped on his course of action and ends up frozen in place, except somehow the danger level feels much higher than facing an angry foxbear.
When Gon doesn't speak, Killua shakes his head and walks away, leaving him alone in the shadows.
"Are you ever gonna get a girlfriend or boyfriend, Killua?"
"Do you want me to?"
"…I guess not."
"Are you?"
"Probably not. I doubt they'd want to travel around with us."
Killua hums in agreement, starting out the window from his curled position beside Gon. It's one of those deceiving days where the sun's out, making it look deceptively warm despite the thermometer telling them it's only a few degrees above freezing. The bright light streaming through the window begs them to take a lazy day, which they are, but they can only distract themselves for so long in a small hotel room before Talking starts to happen.
"Why do you keep kissing me?"
Gon shifts, leans down until his breath ghosts over Killua's lips. He brushes his fingers over Killua's forehead to move his bangs out of his eyes, smiling at how much more messy his friend's hair is than usual. "Do you want me to stop?"
Killua holds his breath and leans away, eyes hard as he repeats himself. "Why do you keep kissing me?"
"It's fun," Gon replies, shrugging.
Killua looks away, his hand coming up almost subconsciously to rest on his bottom lip. He's thinking. Gon moves closer, keeping his face a safe distance away but pressing their bare chests together, humming at the warmth he feels spread from the contact.
"Do—" Killua stops. Tries again. "Do you…love me or something?"
"You're important to me, Killua." Gon says is with such a simple tone, like it answers everything, because it does. At least, it does to Gon.
"Is that it?"
"What do you mean?"
"Are we…I don't know…best friends?"
Gon laughs. "Of course."
"That's it? Aren't we lovers?" Killua stumbles over the last word.
"Why does it matter?"
"It just does, okay!" Killua runs a frustrated hand though his hair. "I mean… I… we… you—" And for a moment Gon thinks Killua's going to get out of bed and storm out of the hotel room. But he never leaves.
Killua stays next to Gon all day and never looks sad or unhappy, but then he never looks happy either. He seems to hover on the brink of content, but something's off in his mouth or in the gleam of his eyes that keeps it from every really being there. A piece is missing.
But he never leaves.
For all the years they've spent together, sometimes Gon finds himself wondering if Killua really sees him. His friend will say something to someone about Gon or make a comment about Gon that makes him stop and consider how Killua views him, but the Zoldyck still does a good job of not underestimating Gon like so many others still do.
Gon isn't as dumb as people like to think, especially when it comes to emotions. As good as Killua thinks he is at a poker face, Gon can always see what he's really feeling. It's in the quirk of his lips, the flashes in his eyes, and the tautness of his muscles. He knows the nights when Killua sneaks out of their hotel room to gamble, and more recently he knows exactly where to brush his fingers against Killua, when to pull back and when he's hit one of those spots Killua loves, and he knows Killua thinks it all means nothing to him.
Killua's right. To an extent.
The thought of love or being in love or even getting a romantic partner isn't terribly close to the front of Gon's priority list. It doesn't really cross his mind. Honestly, kissing and touching and all the other impulses that can come with growing up is just another thing to learn about. When he's curious, he explores with Killua, like he always does.
That's not to say he wouldn't "go on a date" if Killua brought it up, though how it'd be any different than all the other days they spent together is beyond him and saying "I love you" to Killua is more a technicality than a requirement. He's Gon best friend… lover… person…
The bare bones of it is Killua's really important to Gon. What does a label matter? What do words matter if Gon doesn't completely mean it when he says it? To Gon, Killua is Killua. One of his most important people.
And it's simple.