Things to know: Takes place pre-story and during the Chimer Ant Arc

Multiple Personality

The splitting off of one or more aspects of the personality from the conscious mind.

This disorder is not taken literally and instead uses some symptoms of Multiple Personality rather than fully using the disorder. I encourage you to do some quick research before reading, but it's not necessary to understand this story.

"Kil? Kil, come here."

Shit. Doing his best not to make a sound, Killua throws himself into the shadows as his brother's voice echoes down the hall.

"Kil~? Dad wants you." Illumi's shadow stretches along the hallway perpendicular to the one that Killua's hidden in, and he's reminded of every dumb horror movie he's ever seen. If he didn't know better he'd think his brother is deliberately taunting him.

Killua's body thrums with impatience even as he forces himself not to move. All he needed was a few more seconds to make his way down the hall and around the corner. No one ever goes down the stairs to Alluka and Nanika's room. Just a few more feet and he would've been free of everyone for at least a few blissful hours with his sister.

His gaze shifts towards the stairs. Maybe if he runs now...

Killua blinks once, slowly, to calm himself. His footsteps are quiet, but they still aren't quiet enough to escape Illumi's notice. However, the hallway is dark enough (and Killua's skilled enough) that there's a good possibility Illumi won't notice him right away. Besides the hall Killua's hiding in, there are two other possible routes Illumi can take. His chances of reaching Alluka are high as long as he waits long enough and Illumi chooses a different hall. It makes no sense to run.

Still, it takes all his willpower to not book it to the stairs and take his chances. In the last few weeks it's become harder to visit his sister, and he promised her and Nanika over four days ago he'd visit. He refuses to have his family stall him again. He's going to see them today, dammit!

Illumi finally becomes visible. His long hair seems endless, the edges of it blending into the shadows seamlessly, and it's the first time since he's grown it out that Killua actually finds it threatening rather than ridiculous. It makes his brother seem otherworldly, as if he's clawed his way out of the nearest kid's nightmare.

Killua doesn't even dare to flatten himself further against the wall in case the movement catches his brother's eyes. Not for the first time he curses his white hair. His dad and grandpa refuse to let him dye it, saying that if he wants it to stop being such a problem he just has to get good enough it doesn't matter. Before the challenge had spurred him to train, but now it just makes him bitter. What's the point if he gets killed in the meantime?

The point is it makes it easier for them to find me.

Illmui peers down the hallway, and Killua can't control his heartbeat anymore. He manages to keep his breathing even, but he can hear his pulse slowly begin to gain speed. That's one thing he thinks won't ever change. No matter how much he trains, no matter how good he gets, he'll never be able to stop special kind of icy fear Illumi gives him.

Seconds drag by. Killua feels a sweat drop run down his cheek.

Illumi stops walking. "…Kil?"

His heart stops. The slightest breath escapes through his mouth in the shadow of a gasp, but that's all he allows himself, shutting down the panic like his family taught him. He can still feel it edging at corners of his mind, ready to break free at any time, but it should stay back long enough for the few precious minutes he needs it to, already running towards the stairs—

"Good job."

There's a hand around Killua's throat before he can scream, only a squeak working its way out as he's slammed against the wall, his head knocking hard enough that he can feel plaster cracking beneath his skull.

Illumi towers above him. He forces Killua to look up into what should be his eyes, but the angle shrouds most of his brother's face in the darkness. Illumi's eyes are swallowed whole. All he can see are the faint white of his teeth as he talks.

"Off to see Alluka? But Dad wants to see you, Kil."

"No…" Illumi doesn't loosen his hold to let him talk, but Killua forges on, barely able to force the words out. "Wanna… see…"

Illumi frowns, but it's ever so slight. His expressions have become so small ever since that special job Dad took him on a few years, and now the only time Killua ever sees anything resembling actual emotion on his brother's face is when he's angry.

"Ah~" Illumi tightens his hold. "I thought Dad and I taught you better. Do you really want to see that thing that much?"

Killua can't make a sound anymore, but he makes eye contact with his brother and shoves down all his fear. Would he face Illumi for Alluka? For Nanika? Would he fight a battle he couldn't win?

Yes, Killua mouths, unable to force the word out of his crushed windpipe.

"I see," Illumi says with a frown. He loosens his hold, allowing Killua to breathe, and for a moment Killua thinks he can see a glimpse of his older brother from years before.

Then something sharp pierces his forehead.

Are those his nails? He really needs to trim them—

Hot…it's hot…hot, hot hothothothot burning his head is burning he's burning and an ax is cleaving his head in two sawing his head in two. He can hear his screams echoing in the hallway, high and wailing just like he hates, but he can't stop and his nightmare of a brother is watching him without expression and Killua's still burning (painpainpain) but now it's nothing compared to the overwhelming pressure of his fear as he looks at Illumi.

"Scared? Then run," Illumi tells him. "I am stronger than you. You can't fight me. You know you will lose. Run." He seems to loom over Killua now, a solid wall of presence and strength instead of his stringy older brother, an opponent that will undoubtedly kill him instead of family. The hand around his neck is a noose, and it's only a matter of time until he's dead unless he—"Run. Run. Run"—and never comes back.

So he does. Illumi lets go as soon as Killua takes off, running like a bat out of hell down the hallways to anywhere other than right there. He runs blindly, still hearing his brother whispering in his head no matter how much distance is between them.

Eventually he stops running. He leans against the wall, his fear slowly fading with the distance. He feels shame and disgust and rage grow over the fear, feels it start to take over his body as Illumi's voice fades, and he needs a release from it all. He wants to go kill something right now. He can escape it all if he just flips his switch—

…Oh.

Killua starts to laugh in the loosest sense of the word. It's a harsh, sharp noise that sounds like it's being ripped from his throat. "So this is how you did it? This is how you put the needle in?" he says into the nothingness, the bite of his anger leaking into his last few words to make them sharp.

Illumi comes out of the darkness, but doesn't react. Of course he doesn't react. It's a damn memory. Killua never noticed he was there when he was younger.

"I forgot why you always stood there." Killua glances back in the direction of where Alluka and Nanika are as he walks towards his brother. "I would go there, and you and your damn needle would scare me when I saw you, and then I'd run. Then I'd get angry, flip my switch, and go do whatever training or killing you guys actually wanted me to do in my Assassin Mode." He grabs Illumi's arm and squeezes hard enough to break bone, his voice rising in anger as more shame and disgust crash into him. "I left them for years. I…they've been alone this whole time and I wasn't…I couldn't…I wouldn't…"

Something in him snaps. Like a cold bucket of water has been thrown over him, a chill sweeps through his system. Everything falls away to a place far far away except his anger, which becomes muted but by no means any weaker. He's left blinking up at his brother, still angry but trying to remember why he's so angry despite already plugging in claws deep into Illumi's chest.

It's not a new sensation. Detachment has always been a constant companion when he switched. This time he feels hollow and lost and powerless instead of invincible like it used to make him feel. Why?

A hand wraps around Killua's wrist. "Killua?" Illumi's voice sounds weird. Killua doesn't really think about it. He's older than this memory. He exists outside it. He's angry, and he knows what to do with that anger.

Illumi doesn't move as Killua begins swiping furiously at his limbs. His face doesn't change either. What leaks out of his wounds is darkness, and it surrounds Killua. After a brief pause, as though considering the boy in front of them, it dives at him.

Killua doesn't really feel the panic, and he can block out the pain, but he can't see Illumi anymore. It makes him angry. He wants to hurt him. He wants to kill him.

"Killua? Killua!"

He swipes into the darkness. He wants to feel his claws tear through something solid. He wants—

There's a solid slap against his cheek.

Killua wakes up. He immediately grabs who slapped him and flips their positions so Killua is on top and whoever slapped him is beneath him. He presses them into the bed. He draws his nails against their throat. He feels his claws make shallow cuts. In the dark he can make out the small red color that wells up. When he looks into the eyes of his attacker he sees

Not Illumi.

Gon.

Knuckle locked his Nen. I could kill him easy.

It takes a moment for the thought to process and the horror to kick in. Even then it's still muted, but it helps shake some of the numbness Assassin Mode brings. It helps bring Killua back.

"Killua?"

Killua blinks slowly. What is that tone Gon's using? It's not fear. Of course it's not, he thinks, amused and feeling a little more like himself. Gon doesn't have any fear. No, it's…worry.

"Where you having a nightmare? You were making noises and were really hard to wake up."

"Um...kinda." Something seems suspicious about Gon's story, but Killua forces his mind to organize his priorities.

First, assess. Illumi is worlds away. So are Alluka and Nanika and I can't believe I left them for so long—

…Illumi's needle is out of his head. He pulled it out a few days ago and killed that Chimera Ant. He's free from his brother's control and apparently regaining the things the needle took from him. Gon is below him, relatively unharmed and looking no worse for ware to have his best friend's claws on his throat. In the back of his mind Killua knows he feels some embarrassment at their position, but he's still mercifully numb enough not to make a big deal about it. Assassin Mode is already fading, and he's coming back.

Second, he moves. Killua slowly removes his hands from Gon's neck and takes his weight off of Gon, though he doesn't quite move yet. If he's going to question Gon he wants to be able to see his expressions. Besides, it's easier to filter out the rage if he's distracted by his embarrassment of Gon beneath him.

All right. Killua forces his body to relax as he thinks about what Gon said.

So Gon heard him making noises? Killua knows he doesn't make loud noises in his sleep (it was trained out of him long ago), but he will occasionally make a soft whimper if the dream is bad enough. Gon's bedroom is pretty far down the hall. There's no way Killua woke him up, but Gon would've been able to hear it through the door, so…

"Why were you wandering around?" Killua asks. His voice doesn't quite have the right inflection, and he frowns. "Couldn't sleep?" There. That sounds better. It's been awhile since I switched involuntarily. I forgot how hard it is to get rid of.

"Yeah. I guess I'm too nervous about heading to East Gorteau in a few weeks to sleep." Gon chuckles. The sound is too tired to fool either of them. Besides, they both know he hasn't been sleeping well for weeks, but Killua doesn't comment. In the darkness it's hard to see the dark circles he knows are there. Or maybe it's more accurate to say it's easier to ignore them.

"Mm." Killua finally rolls off Gon, letting himself flop down onto the bed. The cold wall against his back is like heaven, and the side of the pillow he's able to lay down on is chilled. He closes his eyes, let's his exhausted mind relax.

He opens them after a few minutes when Gon still hasn't left and finds that his friend has relaxed into the bed. Gon's eyes are closed, but he opens them when he senses Killua's eyes on him and rolls over to look at him head-on. It brings him closer than either expected, and almost simultaneously they suck in a breath.

Killua's found that, no matter the person, nighttime brings with it some kind of release. People will do stupid things in the fake security of darkness and the deceptive hands of exhaustion. He is no exception, though usually his self-control prohibits anything too revealing, but the switch has left him vulnerable, left him longing for some kind of way to make sure he's himself again, and the fluttering in his stomach is grounding.

Killua thinks he wants to kiss Gon, and he thinks Gon wants to do the same. Nervous eyes keep darting to lips. Anxious hands keep fiddling with threads. It feels like forever since Gon's been as normal as he is in this moment, and Killua wonders if he'll stay like that longer if he closes the distance between them.

Moron. Why would he want to kiss you? Killua suppresses the familiar, unidentified urge and draws back slightly, forcing himself farther against the wall that's rapidly loosing its coldness.

"Did your dream have anything to do with what happened last week?" Gon whispers. "You've been different since then."

Words sprang to Killua's mind so fast it's an effort not to speak.

I fought that rabbit ant and won.

I beat my brother.

I forgot about my own sister for years.

She's been alone for years.

"Not really."

You've been different too since Kite.

There was a needle in my head.

I'm worried.

I'm scared.

What about you?

Killua can't hold it all back.

"Are you okay?"

For a second Killua thinks Gon is going to fall apart. There's a shift in his eyes, an unacknowledged hopelessness that steals away the brief normalcy, and Killua catches a glimpse of the breaking point of his friend.

But Gon doesn't cry.

Killua doesn't know where he redirects his feelings or how he holds himself together. He doesn't even try to poke at the holes or pick at the cracks in his friend, scared that even asking if he's okay will bring everything crashing down around him. He refuses to be the one to break him.

(And he hopes against all odds that Gon at least feels the same for him in that regard.)

"Yeah," Gon whispers. "Yeah, I'm okay."

And what exactly is Killua supposed to say to that?

They fall asleep without saying anything else, and they do not touch during the night, each staying confined to their own sides as if separated by an invisible wall. In the morning, they laugh and tease and get breakfast. They go train. They do not talk about it. Even if it takes most of the day for Killua to shake off the rest of the switch and Gon can't hide the dark bags under his eyes, they pretend there is nothing more to them than laughing best friends.

With this we're at the halfway point! Thank you all so much for reading, reviewing, favoring, and following!