The Ocean Between Us

A/N: Thank you to everyone for your amazing reviews, alerts and faves, they made my day and all I can say is – more please!

Also, a big thank you to the amazing inmate23, who puts up with my insecurities and sometimes bad timing;)

Disclaimer: Still not mine, nope.

Chapter 9

I know you're an emotional girl
It took a lot for you to not lose your faith in this world
I can't offer you proof
But you're going to face a moment of truth
It's hard when you're always afraid
You just recover when another belief is betrayed
So break my heart if you must
It's a matter of trust

You can't go the distance
With too much resistance
I know you have doubts
But for God's sake don't shut me out

Billy Joel - A Matter Of Trust

"Tom?"

To say she would sooner expect the Cookie Monster to show up with guns blazing to break her out wasn't an exaggeration. She blinked a couple of times, her vision still blurry from the last dose of the drug but her eyes didn't deceive her – the man standing in the door was Tom.

"Hey, Liz," he greeted her, coming closer. "Wanna get out of here?"

The drug must have really messed with her head because instead of relief, disappointment and concern wrapped around her befuddled mind and clenched their claws around her heart. Where was Red? Why wasn't he the one standing there? Had something happened to him? She was so sure he would be the one standing in the door right now-

"Liz, are you staying or going?" Tom's insistent voice brought her out of her stupor and she realized he had freed her from the chains and was standing in the door, looking at her impatiently. Soul-searching would have to wait for a time when she wasn't drugged and held captive.

She slowly got up, swaying a little on shaky legs but soon managed to get her balance back and followed him out. They moved upward through a series of narrow corridors and staircases but Tom seemed to know his way around pretty well and didn't hesitate even once. She did, though.

"Where are we going?" she asked after some ten minutes of meandering.

"To the nearest life boat. They're on the aft. We'll be there soon," he assured her and opened another door that finally led out of the steely insides of the watercraft and on the deck. Her breath was pushed back into her lungs by the sudden gust of air that hit them as they stepped through. She shivered, painfully reminded she was bare-foot and still only in her underthings.

The sun dazzled her and she was about to raise her hand to shield her eyes when she heard the unmistakable click of a safety being released on a gun and she froze.

"Step away from her, Tom," Red's voice sounded to their left and she pivoted to see him aiming a gun at Tom, with Dembe standing close by mirroring Red's position.

"Red, he just released me from the cell I was held in," Liz said, somewhat irritably. "I think you can play nicely for once and leave him be."

Red pursed his lips, obviously miffed, but his gun didn't move an inch. "He released you, yes. In order to initiate the next phase of the Cabal's plan for you – get you away from here, make you trust him and get you to talk about the Fulcrum and me. Isn't that right, Tom?" he asked, looking at him pointedly.

Before the last notes of Red's question died out, Liz felt Tom's hands grab her forcefully from behind and the muzzle of his gun dig into her side.

"This is becoming a very annoying habit of yours," Red remarked in a dangerously low voice, stepping closer. "But this time you'd better be ready to shoot because when I get there, I won't hesitate."

"Don't you move any closer, Reddington, or I will do it!"

"Coward," Liz hissed venomously.

"I had no choice, Liz," he whispered into her ear.

"You always have a choice," she said, looking straight at Red. He gave her an almost imperceptible nod and she grabbed Tom's gun hand and managed to twist it just enough that when it fired, the bullet barely grazed her skin and embedded itself harmlessly in the door they had come in through. Her sprained ankle gave in and she fell to the ground just as Red reached them. In the corner of her eye she noticed Dembe launching himself at Tom just before he aimed his gun back up at her.

Red quickly helped her up and led them away from the scuffle. Suddenly shots fired from above, raising up plumes of coppery sparks as they hit the railings and metal walls, hitting too close for comfort. In a matter of seconds even more shots were fired from the opposite direction.

"Dembe!" Red exclaimed in warning and the bodyguard managed to duck just in time to avoid another barrage of shots. Tom also wasn't taking it lying down and he used the commotion to skitter away in the opposite direction from them, away from Dembe's reach.

The three of them took cover behind a corner, Liz panting heavily.

"What the hell is going on?" she demanded.

"My team and Tom's friends having a shoot-out," Red stated matter-of-factly, carefully looking from behind the corner. He turned back and looked at Dembe. "We're getting out. Signal Mr. Hoffinger."

Dembe nodded and as he spoke over walkie-talkie, Red took a while to take Liz in. His expression grew thunderous as his eyes landed on her bruised face and bloodied wrists.

"Will you be able to walk, Lizzie?" he asked gently.

Then he was shrugging out of his coat and offering it to her. "Take this," he said handing the soft woolen garment to her. "I'm sorry to say we haven't thought of bringing any spare woman's garments so this will have to do for now," he added. "It's the latest fashion in Milan," he added and she couldn't help but crack a small smile at him as she got into the coat and tied it close around her.

"Thank you," she said, her gaze locking with his, and she hoped he realized she wasn't really thanking him for the coat but for so much more.

"I'm sorry it took me so long," he replied, his tone regretful. "They hurt you," he stated tersely, his lips a thin unhappy line.

"You should have seen them, though," she replied aiming at cheeky but without much success.

"I have no doubt you made their life quite difficult, Lizzie," he said with a half-smile. "I know first hand how difficult you can make it for a criminal to do their job," he added and reached out to move his thumb gently over the marred skin of her cheekbone, his eyes intent as if he wanted to memorize every little scrape and bruise to pay out those responsible for each and every single one of them.

She watched him with baited breath. He bore that pinched, tense expression on his face and the shadows under his eyes were more pronounced than usual and she knew in that instant that he hadn't had a wink of sleep since she had been taken. And he was apologizing he hadn't come sooner. Suddenly she was aware as never before of how much she meant to Red. She knew that she wasn't an easy person to love; very few people had ever got close enough to try, not that she would have wanted them to. But Red had. Red really did care about her, regardless of whether he had said the words or not, that was irrelevant. It was in everything that he did, every move he made, irrefutable. She swallowed against the knot in her throat.

"You were right about Tom," she said, her tone low and sad. "Again."

Red let his hand fall to his side, his eyes intent on her.

She shook her head with a self-deprecating grimace. "I stole his passports from the hold-up for him so that he'd help me find answers and when he didn't take them, I thought that maybe, maybe he could change and he really did care about more than his own skin. But all he was doing was establishing trust, playing for the other side all this time," she enunciated, letting anger at herself for being played again take over her voice.

Red was about to reply when an explosion shook the ship. "That's our cue," he announced, looking over Liz's shoulder at his bodyguard. "Dembe?"

"We have a clear passage to the helicopter," Dembe confirmed.

Liz nodded and followed Red, with Dembe taking up the rear. Liz had to admire how swiftly Red moved in front of her, his movements agile and purposeful despite the ever more pronounced swaying of the slowly sinking ship, reminding her that he had been a high-ranking Naval officer long before he was anything else. She herself wasn't doing that well, and the pain in her ankle was becoming more and more acute as the remnants of the drug were wearing off. Noticing her slowing down, Dembe put an arm around her to steady her, and then Red was on her other side to offer support as well, and together the three of them pushed forward. Soon she saw the aircraft parked on a small helipad, its rotors already moving and ready to start. It was not a moment too soon as the ship was starting to lean dangerously to the starboard. They didn't have much time before it sank.

They were but a few feet away from safety when a shadow sprung up on them from the side, blocking their way.

"You aren't getting off this ship without me," Tom said, a gun in his hand aimed at them. He was bleeding from a cut on his temple and his left hand was bent at an unnatural angle but he stood his ground opposite them.

"Move away, Tom" Red commanded, his tone dangerously low.

The other man sneered. "I'm done talking to you, Reddington. You can-"

Suddenly a violent tremor went through the hull and they were all thrown to the side, losing their footing. Tom had disappeared.

"Help!" came from the side as the three of them scrambled back up.

Liz looked at Red, her fingers winding around his and taking the gun from his hand. She hobbled to the railing and saw Tom hanging by one hand over the water, his inured one hugged closely to his chest..

"Liz, help me!"

She could feel Red hover protectively close behind her but he didn't say or do anything. He was leaving it up to her, giving her once again the freedom to save this man even though he hated him with all his heart.

She balanced herself as well as possible on her one good foot and looked down at Tom.

"I would have helped you," she replied, tears of betrayal and disappointment prickling behind her eyes. "I was willing to trust you and give you another chance," she spoke through clenched teeth.

"Liz! Please!" he begged. "If I ever meant anything to you, as your husband-"

"Don't you dare," she snapped. "I already saved my husband a year ago, right after he used me as a human shield. You- you are nothing to me and I have no obligations towards you," she said and aimed the gun at his head.

She fixed him with a sharp gaze and saw fear in his eyes.

"Liz, no! Don't!"

She adjusted her grip on the handle, her fingers suddenly warm and sweaty. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment. One lonely tear slid down her cheek and she looked back down at him. The ship shook again and she felt Red's steadying hand on her shoulder.

"I'm not going to kill you," she said slowly at Tom. "But I don't have to save you again."

With that, she turned away to face Red. He was looking at her with something deep and unfathomable in his eyes. She gave him a sad, broken smile and pressed the gun back into his hand.

"Take me away from here, Red."

As soon as the helicopter was up in the air, another explosion shook the ship and it broke in two. Liz turned her eyes away from the lonely figure swallowed up by the angry sea together with the ship's broken body, and gently leaned her head on Red's shoulder, who was a silent steady presence on her side.

~o~O~o~

"Where are we going?"

They had landed on a private helipad moments ago and were just seated in Red's city car, with Dembe behind the steering wheel pressing the gas pedal to the floor.

"To a safe house. My doctor is waiting there for us to check you up."

Liz shook her head. "I need to speak to Cooper first, Red," she objected. "Get me to the Post Office."

Red raised an eyebrow at her. "Is that an order?"

Liz rolled her eyes. "I have been in a car crash, drugged, injured and couldn't order a pizza if I wanted to but yes, if you want it to, it's an order."

He pursed his lips. "Out of the question," he stated categorically.

"Red, I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself and I have a job to do."

"I've already talked to Cooper and we both agree before we will let you anywhere near the Post Office, you need to be examined and get some rest," he enunciated. "In the last twenty four hours you've been in a car accident, several shootings, you've been kidnapped-" he interrupted himself with an exasperated sigh. "Do I really need to go through the whole list for you to get the point, Lizzie?"

Liz clenched her teeth, her nostrils flaring in irritation. "So you two decided behind my back and I'm supposed just to take it-," she started her angry tirade but had to double over as her breath was knocked out of her lungs by a wave of searing pain spreading through her chest. Up till now it was first the drug and then adrenaline keeping the pain at bearable levels but both were definitely gone from her system now, unleashing on her nervous system the full agony of cracked ribs, her sprained ankle and multiple other smaller injuries she had sustained.

"Lizzie, just let me take you to see the doctor," Red said in a softer tone laced with concern. "If she declares you are fit for duty, I won't object and you'll be free to go."

Still overwhelmed by the subsiding wave of pain, she simply nodded and very slowly leaned back so as not to put any more pressure on her ribs. She looked out of the window and closed her eyes, the cool glass surface giving her warm forehead some relief. The moment her eyelids closed, she saw Tom's eyes pleading with her not to kill him and the fear in his eyes as she aimed the gun at him. Hot tears started to build up behind her eyes and she opened them, looking over at Red. He was gazing out his own window, his hands tightly clasped in his lap. Maybe it was the tilt of his fedora or the tense angle of his shoulders but she could see he was unhappy.

"I couldn't do it, Red," she uttered, feeling herself very unhappy and tired. "I couldn't shoot him," she clarified when he turned his gaze on her. "Do you think he's dead?"

"He should be though you know how resilient cockroaches are," he replied after a moment with a disparaging twist of his lips.

She felt a tear slide down her cheek and wiped it away angrily but then more came. She took a ragged breath.

"What's wrong with me?" she asked angrily. "He was a manipulative cold bastard who used me time and again. Why the hell am I crying!"

"It only does you credit," Red said, lying a hesitant hand over hers. "There is nothing wrong with mourning what could have been. What should have been," he emphasized, his voice subdued. "Tom was supposed to be the most important person in your life, to love and protect you, to be the father of your children. But he was a coward and a cheat," he added pointedly, a hard edge cutting through his words. "And he didn't deserve you or your forgiveness."

"And you, Red?" she asked.

He raised a questioning eyebrow at her. His expression remained flat but there was something piercing in his eyes that made her swallow hard before she could continue.

"Do you deserve forgiveness?" she finally clarified in a low tone, holding his gaze.

"No," he replied shaking his head, his words embellished with a short incredulous laugh. Then his features evened out and he chewed on the inside of his cheek thoughtfully, looking out the window. "I never have," he continued after a while, his voice low and somber. "I never deserved your forgiveness. I never deserved as much as a single kind word out of you. You read my file, you saw what I do and what I'm capable of, and yet you chose to give me a chance anyway. Because that is who you are, Lizzie. You are beautiful not only on the outside, but above else on the inside. You have an innately good and incorruptible spirit, and it is that spirit that incorrigible sinners like Tom, or me, crave. We are hopelessly drawn to the goodness we can never have. You think it is a weakness. It is not. It is your greatest strength, Lizzie. That is why you gave a second chance to a notorious criminal, and that is why you're crying after the death of a man who hurt you so much. If I had but a shred of your fortitude, of your goodness, the world would be a quite different place right now."

Liz swallowed hard, lost for words.

"I'm not still in love with him," she finally said. "I haven't been for a long time now."

Red dropped his head a little, his expression pinched. "I'm sorry, Lizzie. It was none of my business to ask you about that."

"No, it wasn't," she admitted. "But I want you to know nonetheless." She took a deep breath to gather her thoughts, her fingers automatically wandering to rub her scar. "Tom…he was part of a comfortable lie I made myself believe – that I had the perfect guy, the perfect house, the perfect job…But there is no such thing." She shook her head with a rueful smile. "Not in real life. It was an illusion, and illusions are dangerous. They have no flaws. They make you believe in things that are not there. I don't want that. I'm a real girl living in the real world, and I have flaws. All anyone can really do is try to find people who see them, see you for who you truly are, but care enough to stick around anyways," she finished and gave him a small bittersweet smile. "You taught me that."

Red simply stared at her, his eyes suspiciously bright.

Done and entirely spent, she nodded and turned her gaze back to the window, afraid of what he would see in her gaze if she kept it on him. No one looked at her the way Red did or spoke to her like he just did, like she was an angel come from heaven or the eighth wonder of the world, and she was still not fully able to cope with the possibilities it promised or to put a name to what lay beneath that gaze, what it meant.

When the car stopped, Red helped her get out but then quickly moved away and started on the path leading up to the Victorian mansion they would be stopping at. He avoided her gaze and she thought he was maybe embarrassed by their earlier exchange. Liz could imagine it wasn't often that he allowed himself such open displays of emotion. She felt she had to let him know that he could be like this with her and she would not judge or think less of him for it. To the contrary, she felt that side of Red was closest to her. That jagged, raw, broken side of him he kept carefully hidden away. Because that was the real Red, and long gone was a time that she would be scared or disgusted by that side of him. She wanted him to know he could be really himself with her, that it was what she wanted above all else, to see and know the man behind the suits and fedoras.

"I forgot one important thing," she said, stopping him in his tracks.

Red turned around, giving her a questioning gaze.

"Thank you," Liz said, slowly coming closer to stand before him. Although his face remained frozen in that bland expression of mild interest he so often employed, she could see his eyes widen in surprise for a fraction of a second. "I knew you would come for me."

"Always," he replied after a beat, his voice strangely constricted as she locked her gaze with his.

And then she wound her arms around his neck and rested her head on his chest, right over his heart. He froze with his hands hanging awkwardly along his sides, completely shocked by her behavior. They hardly ever touched, both of them inhibited and wary of the lines they had drawn between each other. And if they did, it was mostly perfunctory and always initiated by Red, most of the time to annoy her or gauge her reaction. That was one of the many unspoken boundaries they had set up in their arrangement, but lately it seemed Liz had thrown the contract out of the window and she crossed one line after another with such ease that it boggled his mind.

Then her voice broke him out of his stupor. "Red, when someone hugs you, you're supposed to hug them back."

A deep chuckle rumbled from his chest. "Another lesson in social behavior?"

"You know you need them, you gerbil of a man."

"Look who's talking," he retorted, raising an eyebrow.

She moved away a little to look at him with a scandalized expression on her face. "I'm not a gerbil!" she protested, amusement dancing in her eyes. "More of a squirrel."

"I'm not touching that one," Red replied with a short laugh.

Then finally he wound his arms lightly around her, propping his cheek on the top of her head. Once the last remnants of laughter died between them, he allowed a ragged breath to escape his lips. Why did it have to feel so good? Why did she have to fit against him so well?

Why did it feel like skies were opening over them?

~o~O~o~

Liz sighed, feeling a mixture of frustration and reluctant relief. The doctor had just left, leaving her wrapped up in bandages like a mummy and ordering her bed rest for at least the next couple of days. Like that was going to happen. Still, at least for this night she would remain put. In the solitude of the room she could admit to herself that she felt bone-tired and weak. The last days had taken their toll on her, and grudgingly, she had to agree with Red and thank him silently for making her come here. She was thrown off balance not only physically but also mentally and she needed some time to work through the events of the last days.

She closed her eyes, rubbing her fingers against her forehead in a futile attempt at warding off the million and one questions assaulting her weary brain. Her thoughts were tumultuous and scattered but most of them seemed to revolve around Red, Tom, and Connolly. Mostly around Red, though. Tom she had made peace with, and what she had said to Red in the car was what she really felt. Maybe it was Red rubbing off of her or maybe she had been like that all along, but the dominant feeling when she thought about Tom was relief. Knowing he wasn't around anymore to cause more havoc and pain in her life gave her comfort and a peace of mind.

She knew she could only ever be with a man whom she could trust fully and implicitly, and who would trust her the same way. She never had that in her life and it made her fully aware how valuable and important it was. She didn't bestow trust easily but when she did, it was completely. So once Tom had broken the trust, despite all the lingering and conflicted feelings she had indeed harbored for a good long while, it was a done deal for her.

To Liz, trust for a relationship was like blood for the body and like rain for the desert. It was indispensable and necessary to survive. Like a lonely bramble bush persevering in barren sands, parched under a burning sky, it could still bloom if rain washed over it. But if there was no trust, the defiant bush's roots would be destroyed and all its moisture dried up. It would continue to live for a while but would bear no fruit, and in the end, die without hope. And when it died, it hurt. It hurt so much. Her experience with Tom had made her realize she could never go through that again.

Then there was a soft knock on the door, and she was very grateful for the distraction because this soul-searching was proving quite exhausting. Red appeared in the door and she took a deep breath, plastering a slightly irritated expression on her face and hoping he wouldn't notice her shaken up state.

"I'm staying for the night," she announced quickly before he even crossed the threshold, furtively wiping the last of the tears that had build up on her lashes. "But if you've come here to tell me 'I told you so'-" she let her voice hang.

"That would be rather childish of me, don't you think?" he asked with a teasing smile, coming a bit closer.

"Remember I saw you order hotel staff to put lentil seeds under Dembe's bed sheets just because he told me about that New Orleans transvestite story so I wouldn't put it past you," she retorted, crossing her hands over her chest and instantly regretting it as her ribs objected to the sudden strain.

"That was payback," Red replied with an innocent shrug, perching on the edge of her bed as far away from her as possible without falling on the floor. "And I always pay back what's due."

"About that." Liz's face grew serious. "Red, I heard things on the ship. It's Connolly. He's behind the kidnapping, the shooting and god knows what else."

"Yes," Red nodded, his gaze drifting towards the window.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "You knew."

He looked back at her with a sour expression. "I found out a while ago, yes."

She felt her blood slowly turn to ice with each word. "Why haven't you told me?"

He sighed. "You wouldn't have left it alone, you would have acted and I couldn't let you do that."

"Why, because I would mess with your grand plan?" she asked bitterly. "The one you still don't trust me enough to tell me?"

"No," he objected, impatience coloring his tone. "Because it would put you in danger."

"You mean in more danger than being kidnapped and shot at?" she asked caustically.

"Lizzie, like I told you before, this has nothing to do with trust and everything to do with your safety."

"Don't even try to play the safety card again," she scoffed in vexation. "You seem to be so worried about my physical health, and yet you have no qualms about messing up with my mental stability all the time. Every time I think we're starting to get along, every time I think I can almost get over everything you've done, another one of your obfuscations comes up," she said with weary resignation.

"Lizzie-"

She shook her head angrily and continued, not letting him get a word in. She had to get her disappointment and frustration out because if she kept it locked up inside any longer, she would explode. "It's almost as if you create them on purpose to keep me away. And it's gotten more so ever since I told you I cared about you. Should I take it back?" she asked sharply, angry sparks in her eyes as she fixed his gaze with hers. "Would that make you feel better? Less vulnerable? Because that's all I still am to you, even after everything. Your vulnerability. And you hate it." She barely managed to keep her voice even and she had to clench her fingers into fists to keep them from shaking but still, it was grounding to say it out loud.

Red didn't remember holding his breath but when he felt his lungs burn for want of air, he exhaled raggedly and sucked in a shallow breath over the knot in his throat.

"Lizzie, no," his voice came out in a strained hiss. "You know you are so much more."

"I don't know anything because you won't tell me!"

"What would you have me say, then?" he asked irritably.

"The truth for once."

Red shook his head. "Lizzie, I would do anything for you but that is one thing I just can't."

He watched her face morph into a flat mask of sadness and he knew that this was a test of sorts and he had failed terribly. Still, if it meant she would be out of danger a little longer, it was worth it. As long as she was safe and sound, he could live with her disappointment and hatred. No matter how much her every word felt like another dagger piercing through him.

She turned on her side, away from him. She felt an inexplicable, nauseating wave of disappointment and regret wash over her, and she didn't want to look at him for fear he would see it as well and know instantly what had finally become clear to her.

"Please just leave, Red. I'm tired."

If Liz had been looking at him, she would have seen the terrible stare of pain his eyes held.

"Very well," he said in a low tone. "Good night."

As he got up, he saw Dembe standing frozen in the door with a blanket he was apparently bringing Lizzie. Red walked past him and closed the door to Lizzie's room.

"Raymond-" came Dembe's voice from behind.

"It's for the best," he cut him off, his voice laden with resignation and sadness.

Dembe allowed himself a little sigh as he watched Raymond disappear in his own room, probably to get himself better acquainted with the decanter of whiskey waiting for him there. He had seen many faces of Red, more than fifty colors of his friend's nature, but he hated this one the most – not the ruthless businessman or the calculating strategist or the cold manipulator, but this. This downtrodden resigned man who thought himself a monster undeserving of anything but pain and torment. It made Dembe so angry that sometimes he just wanted to grab Raymond by the shoulders and shake some sense into him. Dembe of course didn't know everything about Red's past but he knew enough and he had seen enough to know that underneath it all, Raymond was a good and honorable man put in indescribably cruel circumstances, who had been punishing himself for things out of his control for twenty years. Red hadn't had a wisp of real happiness in more than two decades but now finally, just as things were drawing to a close, an unexpected light in the dark tunnel appeared in one Elisabeth Keen. It was yet to be seen, though, whether that light would turn out to be Red's salvation or a train on a collision course.

~o~O~o~

In the darkness of the room, Liz allowed the tears to fall and the painful realization to wash over her. Maybe it was the fact that she nearly died today or the jarring conversation with Red, or maybe it was something else, but it had finally become clear to her and she could not deny it any longer, and it hurt so much. She had been pushing it away vehemently for longer than she even realised it was there but it was like water. It found a way to push through every seal, every dam and every obstacle she had put in its way. There was no way of stopping it. She was in love with Raymond Reddington and he didn't love her back. Not like that. He didn't even trust her. She was just a necessary piece of the puzzle he had to keep safe until the game was done, and then he would be off and she would be left here, alone and broken.

She let another sob rack through her body. Sometimes you had to let yourself sink inside the pain before you could learn how to swim to the surface.

tbc.

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