Title: Mentor
Chapter Seventeen: Death...
As Allison's time spent at PPTH came closer and closer to ending, House was forced to go to Wilson and insist one more time that the oncologist introduce Allison to the less optimistic side of hospital work. Though Wilson tried to get out of it, and let her enjoy the still naive idea that no one ever died, House's friend could understand the harsher reality of shielding Allison from such truths. Why waste her time and education only to find out that she was incapable of handling it?
"Cameron." House found Allison in the clinic and waved her over. The entire staff seemed to freeze at the interaction. Everyone who worked at PPTH, with exception of the interns, knew that House was mentoring the young woman. However, no one had yet seen the two on the same level of the hospital, let alone department, since the summer program had begun. House tried to fight off the urge to snap at all the staring nurses, "I do believe you have distracted the entire clinic long enough. Wilson wants you to go to the oncology department." He knew he wasn't being snide enough, so he added, "And careful with those blouses, or you're going to start looking like Cuddy." House turned around and knew that had been a very weak attempt at his usual remarks, but it was difficult to think of something cruel yet witty when you are trying desperately so repress a boner.
"You're lucky," Allison jumped and dropped her notebook when a nurse came over and murmured in her ear, "usually he says things a lot meaner than that."
Allison knelt down to pick up her notes, "Yeah, I guess I am pretty lucky, huh?" She sighed, standing up straight once again before heading towards the elevators. As she rode them to the oncology and diagnostics floor, Allison tapped her foot impatiently. What had Dr. Wilson wanted to see her for?
"Hey, Ally." Wilson smiled carefully when she entered his office.
"Hey, Jimmy, what's up?" Allison flopped into the chair across from his desk and kicked her feet up on the top of the wooden surface.
"Well," Wilson cleared his throat nervously, "I thought I'd give you a tour of the department." Allison quirked a suspicious eyebrow.
Standing up, James waved his arm for Allison to follow him. Rising from the chair, Allison let him lead her through the department. He showed her many different patients' rooms, explaining each of their cases in overwhelming detail.
The whole time that Wilson told Allison his patients' diagnosi, he watched her reaction, she seemed to remain relatively stoic through most of them, until he reached a room he had decided to save for last.
"That's Christi." Wilson said softly as Allison peaked through the window. She saw a little girl no older than five sitting up in bed chatting away with a woman that Allison assumed to be her mother, "She has leukemia, and only about another three months." At Allison's recoil, Wilson glanced down. He didn't need to look at her face to see the tears spring into her eyes, or to look at her hands to know that they were trembling.
"J-Dr. Wilson, why-"
"Because it's reality, Cameron." Wilson's eyes were completely stoney when she caught his gaze. "This is part of being a doctor-"
"So you're testing me." Allison returned his gaze, and try as she might to put on the same expression of utter impartialness, Wilson couldn't be fooled.
"I'm not testing you." Wilson told her evenly, "I'm trying to help you adjust. House doesn't want you to get shocked out of the field. He thinks you're too soft to-" Wilson cut himself off at the look Allison gave him.
Her hands clenched around her notebook, "I am not too soft." She said in a low, harsh voice.
"You care, Cameron." Wilson told her gently. "Maybe a little too much."
"I don't believe that." Allison tilted her chin up, "I don't believe that there is such a thing as caring too much. I may not like death, Wilson. I may not welcome it, and I may fight it tooth and nail, but I'm not afraid of it." Her eyes seemed to light up, "I know when enough is enough, and I know when I've done all that I can without running past the line of sane judgement." She looked back at the window and at the girl, "If you're afraid that I'll run away, and won't be able to tell a patient that they're dying without crying; don't be. I can deal." Turning on her heel, Allison walked away from Wilson, and to the elevator.
-----------------------------
Letting her head tower over the sink, Allison watched the running water swirl and cyclone into the drain. She spit into the basin and watched the sticky drop as it spiraled into the rushing stream and followed its descent. She spit again.
The constant production of saliva that usually preluded the rising of bile was now being persistent in Allison's mouth. Quelling the urge to vomit only increased the twisting, knotted feeling in her stomach. She spit into the sink again at the fresh wave of saliva. It was uncommonly sweet. Like she'd placed a sugar cube under her tongue. But that's what pre-vomit spit always tasted like to her.
Continuing to watch the sink, Allison felt her head spin a bit, as if mimicking the movement of the water. Closing her eyes, Allison felt her equilibrium fade away and she ended up, finally succumbing to the persistent call of the toilet.
Dashing for the stall, Allison barely had her face over the toilet when she wretched into it. "GOD DAMN IT!" She yelled and ran her fist into the side of the stall before flushing the toilet and going back to the sink to run her mouth under the faucet's cold cascade. Swishing the water in her mouth, Allison rummaged around in her pockets and found her container of tic-tacs, popping three or four and chewing them furiously.
The door to the women's bathroom swung open and Allison quickly went to the facade of washing her hands.
"I knew you'd be in here." Allison spun around and saw House entering the women's bathroom.
"Women's!" Allison shrieked as the door slid shut behind him.
"Are you okay?" House asked.
"Yeah, of course!" Allison leaned against the counter of three sinks. House just nodded and walked the length of of floor to the first stall. He pushed the door open and examined it. "What are you looking for?"
"A dent is what I've found." House said then looked at her, "You can do this, Ally." He said confidently.
"I threw up." She admitted as she took to pacing anxiously. "I fucking spoke all confident to Wilson and then I fucking threw up!" She ran her hands through her hair as she paced.
"And you're mad."
"You're fucking right I'm mad!" She hollered, continuing her prowling.
"Why?"
"Because I couldn't handle it. I mean, what'll happen to me when I have to actually tell someone that they're going to die?"
"I think you're doing fine." He told her.
"Yes, because this is how a chemically balanced, functioning human being acts." She gesticulated.
"Yeah, it is." House leaned against the wall. "You know, Lisa cried for over an hour after she told her first dying patient that they weren't going to make it." He stated matter of factly.
Allison looked at him, wondering if he was just trying to comfort her. She wished that she hadn't thrown up. If she actually thought about it, it wasn't seeing the little girl Christi that made her stomach churn, or even the knowledge of her inevitable death. No, her stomach twisted and sloshed acids because she didn't know what she would say. She didn't know how to tell someone that death was knocking. And that scared her more than anything else. Death was natural, it could be delayed, but it couldn't be stopped. No, death isn't what she feared, she feared those who feared death. At these thoughts, Allison chose not to say anything, she just continued to walk the length of the bathroom floor.
"Don't beat yourself up, Ally." House caught her in mid-stride and planted a chaste kiss on her overly peppermint flavored lips.
With that he went to the door and snuck out.
"Dr. House, you realize that... That's the women's bathroom." A passing nurse pointed out.
"Yours is nicer than ours." He said simply and walked away.
-----------------------------------
"Hey, Lisa." Allison knocked on Dr. Cuddy's door before entering.
"I've already heard." Lisa stood up from her desk, gesturing for Allison to sit down. "You're doing fine, Ally." She assured. "You're going to be able to do this, you've proven that to all of us."
Allison sunk deeply into the chair, "I know." She took a deep breath, "I just wanted to be stronger than that."
Smiling gently, Cuddy leaned back in her own chair, "It's kind of like your first set of notes. When you got that one wrong, you made sure never to make a stupid mistake like it again, or let anyone screw you up from knowing the facts. It gets easier, it becomes more natural, but do you want it to?"
Allison thought for a moment. Did she really want to become as impartial as Cuddy, Wilson, and House when people died? Did she want to be able to calmly tell someone that their loved one wasn't coming home? "If it helps me do my job better, then yes."
Lisa slumped slightly, "Ally, it's not just about doing your job better. It's about being professional, and being strong. You cannot tell someone that they're going to die and being teary eyed. It puts a patient through more emotional turmoil as well as invites hysteria."
"So, in a way... Being impartial about it helps?" Allison's brow knit. "People actual prefer when they mean absolutely nothing to you?"
"Ally, please don't do that." Lisa said firmly, "Don't think of it like that. You aren't being impartial, you're being strong for them, you're being comforting. There is nothing impartial about it, in fact, telling someone that they're going to die is the most personal thing you can explain to someone. There is nothing less impartial than trying to tell someone why their body is shutting down and why there is nothing you can do." Her features softened, "But shedding tears won't change the fact that you can't save their life, or make them respect you because you managed a crocodile tear. Pity is not equal to remorse. And no one wants pity."
Nodding, Allison got up and returned to the oncology department and Wilson's office. "I'm sorry I blew up earlier." She said as she came in, "I don't like being manipulated, so it was my first response to get defensive." Allison explained, sitting down.
"Not a problem." Wilson smiled gently, "We just want to help you be the best doctor that you can be."
"I know."
"Not many people get these kinds of opportunities, Allison. Most that do have parents who are doctors or siblings or someone on the inside." Wilson sighed a bit, "The fact that you being here is a result of impressing House," he jerked his thumb towards his balcony door, "is a one in a million chance."
Allison smirked, "Thank you sciatica."
"Sciatica?" Wilson quirked an eyebrow.
"Yeah, I asked Greg how to solve the puzzles, so he gave me an example that had to do with sciatica that wasn't sciatica." Allison sighed.
"He was just happy you asked how to solve the puzzle." Wilson laughed. "That's what intrigued him. If that hadn't been your opening statement, he never would have thought twice about you."
"Really?"
Wilson nodded, "Pretty much. It was your intrigue about the cause that made him like you. You weren't interested in asking the person if they'd been walking a lot lately. You wanted to look at the symptoms and let the body tell you itself."
"But-"
"House's number one rule is that "Everybody lies"." Wilson gained a bemused sort of smile.
"I remember." Allison got up and walked once more to his door to leave, "But I've come a long way since sciatica."
---------------------------------
The last day of the program, Allison was told to go to Dr. Diar's office, to which the young woman felt a nervousness well up inside her. Had he figured out about her and House? How could he have? They had hardly even spoken at the hospital!
"You wanted to see me?" Allison stepped into the office meekly.
"Yes, please sit down." He smiled kindly, reassuring Allison ever so slightly that perhaps this meeting wasn't anything to worry her. "Dr. Cuddy has been keeping me up to date on your progress. She's even shared quite a few of your notes that you took while you were here. However, I would be more interested in knowing if you found this experience educational or not."
Allison sat up straighter in her chair, "Why yes, sir, I found it very educational. Not just the medicine either. I'm very grateful that I had this opportunity to discover how a hospital functions as well as its ethics and politics." She stated confidently, "I believe that it has given me a preparation for my continuing education. Now I know what to expect after medical school."
"Very Good! I'm glad that you mentioned that." Dr. Diar enveloped his hands over his round belly, "Do you have any plans for after medical school?"
"Well," Allison thought for a moment, "I suppose I'll be doing my residency and then perhaps a fellowship."
"Any particular hospitals in mind?" He asked carefully.
Allison laughed, "Well, a few, but I hope to be invited back here. I've gotten to know the staff pretty well over the summer, and I feel quite attached to this hospital."
"I was hoping you would say that." Dr. Diar leaned back in his chair, the swell of his stomach turning like a giant globe as he tilted. "You see, I am intrigued by your over all performance this summer, and if you do well through medical school... Where was it you said you wanted to go?"
"I am hoping for Johns Hopkins." Allison smiled nervously.
"Very good! I have been talking to the Dean from that particular university." He smiled wide, "They're just awaiting your MCATs, and depending on the outcome, I'm sure they would grant you an interview."
Allison felt her heart clench. "R-really?" She was breathless as her heart swelled up, feeling almost as large as Dr. Diar's globular belly.
He nodded, "Yes, how could I not make the call after all the abilities you've shown?" His face turned more solemn as he continued. "However, I'm afraid I won't be able to see you work here." He stood up and Allison's heart fell, "You see, I will be retiring before you graduate from medical school." He gazed out his window and sighed, "Fortunately, Dr. Lisa Cuddy is my intended replacement, and I believe that you've already managed to impress her enough for a future job here."
Allison let out a long breath, "Thank you, sir." She stood up and extended her hand, which he happily shook in return. "I'll do the best I can do."
"I'm sure that you will be brilliant." He smiled and waved her out of his office. "Good luck."
Leaving the office, Allison found Lisa Cuddy and grinned wide. "Got the good news then?" She said.
Allison nodded excitedly, but her enthusiasm soon waned. "I just wish I could spend more time here with..." She trailed off, not able to mention the name in the hospital.
"I know." Lisa smiled sadly. "But in less than two years, you'll be back on the east coast with all of us." She said softly. "And you can come visit again next summer." And with a secretive wink, "Plus, I could always send him away on another lecture." Allison's face lit up, "I'll see you next summer, L-Dr. Cuddy."
"Bye, Cameron." Lisa called after her as Allison went towards the doors to hail a taxi on the street and take her to House's condo. She'd be spending the remainder of the next two days with him before catching her flight back to Illinois.
TBC