Chapter 19

Tash tried to concentrate on the case that was in front of them, tried to focus on the pictures and the information on the screen, but she couldn't. She kept thinking back to last night, to kissing Callen. To the pain of not remembering. She couldn't work out why she wasn't remembering things about their relationship, the one she was so sure that they had. She slipped out the room and found a quiet place to sit, in a little alcove in the wall, by a window. Tash pulled her knees up to her chest and put her head down, whilst she tried to get her thoughts somewhere else, just to give her head a break for a little while. That was where Nate found her.

"Tash? You okay?" Nate asked her, as he sat down next to her. She looked up at him and shook her head.

"No," Tash replied..

Nate frowned in concern. It was the first time he had seen such pain in her eyes. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" Tash repeated. "You mean aside from me not remembering my life or who I am?' Tash asked. Aside from being in love with someone who I have no idea if he feels the same. She was sure that was what she felt for Callen even though she barely had anything to base it on. Memories of the two of them, mostly revolved around work.

"It'll come Tash. You've only been back with us for two weeks. You've remembered so much already," Nate reassured her. She agreed with that much at least. She had remembered a lot of things, but she couldn't put it altogether yet and figure out who she was. That was the problem.

"It's not enough Nate. I don't know who I am. I'm just a bunch of stories at the moment. Admittedly a lot of stories, but I still can't find me," Tash replied, as she leaned her head back against the wall.

"I know it's hard -" Nate started to say but she cut him off.

"Do you? Do you really know what this is like? Have you ever lost your memories? Forgotten who you are?" Part of her hoped he would say yes and tell her that he had fully recovered.

"No," Nate admitted quietly.

"Then you don't know how hard it is. I feel like I'm this book; no cover, no author notes, no write up on the back. Someone has pulled out the pages, replaced some with blanks, taken away the page numbers, the contents and the index. I have nothing to go on, Nate." Tash stopped for a breath and Nate waited patiently for her to continue.

"I'm just this bunch of memories, and the only way I can sort them at the moment is adult versus child. I want to be me, not just this book where I can't even fill in the general story," Tash finished. Nate could see the tears in her eyes that she was trying not to let fall.

"Tash, you'll get there, it will just take some more time. We'll help you as much as we can," Nate reassured her. Now he had heard the pain in her voice that Callen had mentioned a few days ago, as well as seeing it in her eyes. He wondered how he had missed it during their sessions.

"Then let me know what the story is, help me find where everything fits. Tell me who I am," Tash cried desperately. She saw the look on Nate's face and stood up. She turned back to face him before she continued. "But you won't will you? I have to remember for myself. How long Nate? How long do I have to live like this? If you can call it living. Missing out on my life now, whilst I try to figure out my past? I've already lost two years, when can I start living again?" Tash asked. She didn't wait for an answer. She turned and started walking away quickly, stopping abruptly after a few steps when she saw Callen. He was close enough that he must have heard her talk with Nate.

Callen watched her walk past him. As much as he wanted to, he didn't try and stop her. He had something else he needed to do. He needed to talk to Nate and Hetty. This had to stop. She needed more from them. He was going to make sure she got it.

"Nate," Callen called out as Nate started to walk in the opposite direction to him. Nate stopped and turned around.

When Callen got to him, Nate spoke first.

"You heard all of that?" Nate asked as he glanced in the direction Tash had gone.

"Yep. It's got to stop Nate. I've followed your rules until now. She's hurting too much," Callen said.

"She's doing well Callen. She's remembering a lot. She just needs time." Callen shook his head at Nate's words.

"No Nate, she's not. You don't see it. You don't see the pain in her eyes that's there all the time. There's more adding to it everyday. You've only seen the one meltdown." Nate looked surprised as Callen continued. "There's been more. She's remembered so much about those she's lost, but she hasn't remembered what's standing in front of her. What she still has. Something good and you're tying my hands. I can't do it. I won't watch her hurt anymore. I won't hurt her anymore."

"Callen-" Nate was cut off by Hetty.

"I agree with Mr Callen." Nate looked over at Hetty. She held up her hand to stop him saying anything as she continued. "I have watched Miss Farrow get more fragile by the day recently. What we are doing is not enough anymore."

"If she wants to know anything, if she asks me about something, I will tell her," Callen added firmly.

"Look," Nate interrupted, "you are taking her dancing tomorrow. It's going to be personal. See how that goes first."

Callen looked at Nate for a moment whilst he contemplated the suggestion. He shook his head. "No. I won't offer to tell her between now and then, but if she asks something, I will. That's all can give you Nate. She comes first."

"Hey guys," came Eric's voice from behind them. They all turned to him. "Got something you should see."

Tash found her way to Sam's punching bag. She wondered if it might help to relieve some of the frustration, except that she had no idea what to do. She walked up to it and gave it a push. She almost laughed at herself. If anyone had seen her they would probably think that she was such a wimp. Given how heavy the bag felt to her push, she was sure if she tried to hit it she would probably break something so she turned away, only to find Sam standing watching her.

"You okay?" Sam asked. He'd been worried about her after she had slipped out of the meeting.

Tash shrugged. She didn't really know how to answer that question for Sam.

"Want me to teach you how to punch again?" Sam asked.

"Again?" Tash frowned. "Have you done that before?"

"Yep," Sam replied.

"Was I any good?" Tash remembered one of her flashes that suggested Sam had taught her some moves.

"You were getting better." Sam walked towards her after getting some gloves from a cupboard. "You were stubborn though, refusing to ask G to teach you."

Tash frowned again "Why would I do that?"

Sam shrugged. That wasn't a question he was able to answer.

"Put em on," Sam said instead. "Let's see if you still punch like a girl."

X

"You know you punch like a girl." Sam voice came from behind her as she was working out with the punching bag. She turned around and gave him a look that had him smiling.

"Aside from the fact that I am a girl," she rolled her eyes at the look on his face, "how about you help me then. Teach me to do it properly. Teach me to fight better."

"G would be a better option," Sam replied.

With raised eyebrows she asked "Why? Not like I'm going to hurt you."

Sam grinned. "He's closer to your height, less likely to hurt you."

She shook her head. "Sorry, not gonna happen." She turned back to the punching bag.

"Has he taught you anything since you two have been partners?" Sam asked.

"Not fighting related," she replied as she started punching again.

"Why not?"

"Haven't asked him to." It was hard enough sometimes getting close to him with work, let alone throw in guaranteed close contact that wasn't acting.

"Why not?" Sam asked again. She turned around to look at him.

"It's complicated," she admitted.

Sam shook his head at her words. "No it's not. You like him."

"No I don't," she denied quickly and turned away.

"Perhaps you need to work on your lying skills rather than your fighting ones," Sam commented. "Come on Tash. I'm not blind. I saw it the first day."

"Like I said back then, he doesn't date cops." She looked over her shoulder at him and begged, "Drop it please, Sam."

"Fine, let's see what we can do with you," Sam agreed.

As she landed on her back, yet again, after a failed attempt to take Sam down, she heard Callen's voice, "What the hell is going on?"

She groaned, not that she was in pain, but she knew that tone. It was the one he had with her anytime he thought she was doing something stupid. She sat up and looked at him.

"What's wrong G?" She was slightly breathless from the last fall and she saw his frown deepen as he heard it.

"You're fighting with Sam," Callen accused eyes narrowing at her.

"He is helping me," she corrected. She stood up and turned her back on him as she faced Sam.

"Since when?" Callen asked.

"Today."

"Why?" Callen asked. She knew that tone, he wasn't going to let it go and if she didn't give him a satisfactory answer, she would be in even more trouble.

"Because I need it," she answered. He should at least agree with that. She glanced back over her shoulder at him as she continued. "Look G, are you going to stay and watch, or leave? Either way, I don't mind, just as long as you don't talk."

"Sam, I'll take it from here," Callen said. Sam glanced at her and she shook her head slightly as she silently begged him to stay.

"Sorry Tash, maybe another day," Sam responded and walked away.

She closed her eyes, glad she wasn't facing Callen. She had no idea what kind of trouble she was in and she needed time. She felt him come close behind her.

"So why didn't you ask me?" Callen asked.

She turned around and attempted to divert him. "You think you can beat Sam?" she asked.

"Probably not, at least not yet," Callen admitted.

"Well there you go then. If I'm going to learn, it should be from the best shouldn't it?" Tash asked. She stepped back from him. He was too close. He noticed and she saw a slight smile on his lips, like he knew how he was affecting her. Please don't let him know, she silently prayed to whoever was listening.

"You've never asked me to teach you Tash. We've been together a long time. Why Sam? Why now?"

She had no idea how to answer that, without giving away what she felt for him. She'd made it this far without him finding out, she wasn't about to fail now. So she changed tactics.

"You think you can teach me better than Sam. Let's do it. I'm all warmed up," Tash offered. Callen's eyes narrowed at her.

"Fine," Callen replied. He stepped away to put down his coffee.

She closed her eyes. What have I done? So stupid!

"Mr Callen, Miss Farrow. Please join us upstairs. We have a case," Hetty said, from the doorway.

She sighed with relief, one that Callen heard and he turned to look at her with a frown. She quickly walked out following Hetty.

"Another time, Tash," Callen promised softly as she passed him.

X

"Guess I needed a fair bit of work. Probably need more now. You still willing?" Tash asked, then added with a smile, "Or are you still scared of G?"

Sam shook his head. "Let's just start with the punching bag," he instructed, not wanting to push his luck with Callen again or run the risk of hurting Tash since she was definitely out of practise and not as strong as she used to be.

Tash put on the gloves and waited for Sam. Maybe this would help her mind take a break. Couldn't hurt too much. At least she hoped not. She just hoped Callen wouldn't walk in on them.