Angel Beats! エンジェルビーツ!

Our Beats Incarnate

Book I: The Station

Chapter 5: Matters of the Heart

Less than half an hour after first arriving at the station Yuzuru was on the verge of panic. It seemed irrational, he knew, even as he walked briskly along the most direct route he could between Kanade's house and the station, presumably the one same she would use each morning. What could possibly have happened along the way - in broad daylight no less - that would prevent her from making it to their morning rendezvous?

That thought alone showed the direction Yuzuru's thoughts were taking.

It made absolutely no sense to panic. But with his heart beating up in his throat and his pulse throbbing like a bass drum in his ears, he couldn't quite bring himself to stop. And the dire amalgamation of emotions only intensified the further he found himself from the station without managing to find Kanade.

It's going to be something simple… the last few rational neurons in his mind urged quietly, and rather unconvincingly at that, She's just running late.

Without phoning to tell me? The less rational part argued back with a sneer, unwilling to let go of the panic, What if she's in trouble? What if she needs me?

What if you're panicking over nothing and you creep her out?

"Shut up!" Yuzuru smacked the side of his temple in forceful agitation, punctuating it with a groan as the obvious pain kicked in.

It was taking all of his efforts just to hold himself back from breaking into an all-out run, and the self-inflicted pain to his head was a thoroughly needless distraction. Yuzuru decided to just put it to the back of his mind and concentrate on what he was doing. It was a desperate battle to keep his emotional inner self and his rational, problem-solving mind fully reconciled – not an easy task when the emotional facet of that was running so high, and the rational part was telling him things he just didn't want to hear.

So detached was his rationality from his actions that he didn't immediately notice his surroundings when he turned the corner onto the street that sited Kanade's home. It was only when his feet came to a stop that his awareness finally caught up, having trailed him by precious moments all the way from the station to that spot.

If he hadn't bumped into Kanade along the way, then that meant she had to still be at home… Right?

It took a surprising amount of willpower for Yuzuru to drive his body into motion, an apprehensively shaking hand unlatching the gate to grant him ingress into the garden, a simple, straight path of irregularly-shaped concrete-coloured slabs lain at regular intervals marking the way across the neatly manicured front lawn. He'd escorted Kanade as far as her house at the end of every single day they'd spent together, saying their farewells in the street and then going their separate ways. Yuzuru had always kept a close watch as she entered the house, but he'd never ventured into the garden or all the way up to the door of the property.

That was, until now.

Every step he placed upon successive slabs was punctuated with an ever-increasing sense of anxiousness – not so much at trespassing across the lawn, but as to what he would encounter when he actually reached the house. What if Kanade wasn't there? What if something bad had happened between here and the station? What if? What if?

No. he mentally scolded himself for thinking the worst, Focus. Worry about actuality, not "what if?"

As he approached the door, taking the couple of small steps up onto the raised porch in stride, Yuzuru allowed himself a moment to reaffirm what little composure he felt he was able to muster. It was difficult to remain in control of all the emotions currently assaulting his sensibilities, but somehow he managed, urgently knocking on the wooden framework of the door as firmly as he dared without hurting his knuckles.

The silence which followed seemed almost to stretch on into an eternity. That was, until he heard the soft padding of bare feet on wood approaching the door, a silhouette soon visible on the other side. Yuzuru took a half step backwards when the door began to slide, hoping to seem far less imposing than his desperation made him feel, and his heart fluttered nervously as a seemingly familiar face came into view as the door slid to the side.

No, that wasn't quite right. There were similarities in the face of the person before him, but this face was subtly different. The hair was long and silver-white, tied back and held high by a butterfly-decorated clip, though still cascading down beyond shoulder length; the eyes were a startlingly deep and vibrant gold, though there was an age there within them that Kanade's eyes lacked – something akin to jaded experience, of sorts. And, when she spoke, the voice was fractionally deeper than Kanade's ever had been.

"Hello, can I help you?" she looked Yuzuru up and down in question, holding the door only half-open, leaning around it defensively as if it were a protective shield.

"Sorry to intrude, Ma'am." Yuzuru bowed slightly, trying to belay her obvious and understandable concerns regarding his presence, "Is Kanade in?"

The woman's right eyebrow raised in intrigue, striking an almost comical expression for a moment, before the door slid open a little further – though she still obstructed the entrance, "And you are?"

"Yuzuru." He explained, "Yuzuru Otonashi."

There was a moment when both of her eyes went wide, clearly surprised, and Yuzuru began to wonder if they would pop out of her head, "Otonashi?"

His response was a slow yet simple nod. The change in the woman's demeanour was extreme and near instantaneous; the door was forcibly shoved fully ajar and she stepped to the side, gesturing with one hand further into the house, "Please, come in. Kanade's told me all about you."

With a slightly nervous gulp and a still burgeoning feeling of foreboding, Yuzuru entered, stepping past the lady and on into the small foyer beyond. He heard her close the door behind him as he removed his shoes, placing them tidily off to one side.

"Sorry for my rudeness before." Came her apologetic tone as she walked around him and back into view, "I'm Kasumi Tachibana, Kanade's mother."

To be honest, Yuzuru had expected as much. The resemblance between Kanade and her mother was truly striking, from the intensity of those deep golden eyes to the pale, delicate porcelain tone of her skin. Even the hair - though apparently longer than Kanade's own - held the same shimmering platinum vibrance as it framed her face and her slight yet warm smile. All in all, she could quite easily have been taken for Kanade's older sister, but there was just something about her which seemed to radiate a sort of mellow maturity.

Yuzuru didn't think of himself as the best when it came to judging a person's age, but if he had to guess he wouldn't have thought she was more than twenty years older than Kanade - maybe twenty five, at a push. It was a reasonable enough age gap for somebody who claimed to be her mother, though if he hadn't already been told who she was he knew that mother wouldn't have been his first conclusion.

Yuzuru bowed respectfully towards her nonetheless, "I'm sorry to intrude like this. I was hoping Kanade was here… She didn't turn up at the station, and naturally I-"

"Worried?" She interjected, her smile broadening yet at the same time losing none of its unassuming understanding, "Yes, she said you were the sweet, worrying kind. She's upstairs in her room."

"She… is?" Yuzuru was puzzled.

"Yes." His confusion didn't go unnoticed by Kasumi, "I suppose I should explain why. I don't know if Kanade has ever told you about her medical condition?"

The way in which Yuzuru's eyes widened was more than enough to tell her that he knew nothing. Kasumi wasn't overly surprised that her daughter hadn't told him yet, even though Yuzuru and she had been spending so much time together lately. It wasn't the easiest thing to slip into a conversation, and despite the calm, sedate mien which usually accompanied Kanade through her day to day life, she was obviously a shy person. In all likelihood she had wanted to share the finer details with Yuzuru, but just hadn't known how to broach the subject.

Kasumi knew, however, that her daughter wouldn't mind if she let Yuzuru in on her condition, worried as he was. From what Kanade had shared with her mother regarding the boy, and what she'd seen of the boy's obvious concern so far, he was somebody in which they could trust.

"She has a hole in her heart." If she'd thought Yuzuru's eyes were wide before, they were all but popping out of his head by now, "It's only small, mind you…" she went on to reassure, "nothing that will ever threaten her life. She told me that you were training to be a doctor, so you may well understand the finer points better than I do."

There was some reassurance to be found in her words, Yuzuru had to admit. But at the same time as his grave concerns were waning, another sensation was beginning to rise up in its stead. It was a strange emotion – a combination of the very same curiosity and desire to help that had always been there when he thought of his own sister, Hatsune, and her condition. The thought that perhaps, if he'd known more, he'd be better placed to help.

One day soon, perhaps that self-same emotion would earn him his doctorate.

All the while, with his concerns somewhat abated, his curiosity piqued, "Is it congenital?"

Kasumi shook her head, the motion sending waves through her hair in a way which reminded him so much of Kanade, "No. Just a birth defect. I never had it, and neither did Kanade's father."

Yuzuru nodded slowly, taking the fact on board. He wasn't entirely sure why he'd asked, or even if the information would ever prove relevant. Though he supposed it did rule out a few conditions, whatever it was would already be on Kanade's medical record – the doctors would no doubt have done everything they could for her after she was born. What could he hope to do, a mere student doctor?

Well, he could be there for Kanade whenever she needed him. Not in any medical capacity, but as a friend. As somebody who cared deeply for her. It ignited a new resolve within him, the urge to care for the angel girl from his dreams.

"She's always had it." Kasumi went on, dragging Yuzuru out of his reverie and back to the present, "But it doesn't run in the family. Growing up it never really held her back, not by itself. But, the doctors always told us to avoid undue excitement where possible… Too much strain and it would affect her like this; make her woozy and lightheaded."

That sure explained the calm, quietly unobtrusive persona Kanade always projected serenely to the world around her. In combination with her natural timidity it always served to project a palliative aura across those around her, and it was something Yuzuru had come to find quite soothing, and exceptionally endearing.

"With the way she's been talking about you, I knew this would happen sooner or later."

The wave of guilt washing over the young man wasn't lost on Kasumi, the pained look in his eyes giving physical form to the emotion with remarkable intensity, and for a moment she regretted letting the words escape her lip.

"Oh, don't worry, Yuzuru." She did her best to try and offer some reassurance, "It's not your fault. We did talk about it, and what it would mean if she had one of these episodes. She decided you were worth the risk, and I support whatever decision she makes."

If Yuzuru had to be totally honest, he wasn't entirely convinced by what Kanade's mother was telling him – he was partially responsible, in his eyes at least, and ignorance didn't seem to be sufficient excuse for him to forgive himself. Maybe Kanade did think it was worth the risk to her health, however small that risk actually was – from what he knew of her, it seemed incredibly likely that she thought precisely that – but still, despite the apparent inevitability of these episodes a little warning and maybe he could've been there for her in this instance.

And there was one other thing which puzzled him, "But we've been seeing each other on a daily basis for the past few weeks…" Yuzuru put words to his thoughts, "Why now?"

The shrug Kasumi offered him came off as a bit more nonchalant than she'd intended, but then if her experience had taught her anything it was that these things were very difficult to predict, and often amounted to little more than mild discomfort for Kanade and a few days of inconvenience. At the same time, she could understand just how bad it could look to somebody peering in from the outside – heart conditions weren't something to be taken lightly, after all – and she sympathised with Yuzuru's point of view. She'd been of the same mind when Kanade was younger, and the mind-set she now bore was something hard-fought for against the stronger aspects of her maternal instincts.

Given sufficient time, she had no doubt that Yuzuru would come to understand things in the same manner that she did.

Still, for now, she needed to offer him some additional reassurance, "Yesterday she kept going on about how she had something to tell you today." Though she admitted mentally that Kanade hadn't actually told her what it was, "Then, last night, she turned. She's been in bed ever since."

"Will she be-" Yuzuru began, apparently still unable to dispel the deeper-seated aspects of his misgivings.

"Don't worry, Yuzuru." Kasumi interjected softly, trying to strike the balance between her sympathies for the poor boy and the stern resolve she knew was needed to get the message across, "A couple of days of bed rest and she'll be her normal self again."

The relief which washed over him was almost palpable, and it drew a sincere smile from Kasumi's lips. Perhaps it wouldn't take as long as she'd thought to get him to understand. Knowledge was easy to impart, but wisdom often lingered.

"So…" he seemed at once both nervous yet eager, "Can I see her?"

Kasumi had to admit that the apparent timidity did Yuzuru justice. If there had been any concern that Kanade's claims that he was a true gentleman in both habit and intent were false, that unwitting display would've removed the last of any lingering doubts regarding his sincerity. He cared. And he cared deeply, "Upstairs. Second to last door on the left."

"Thank you!"

The eagerness with which he turned and began to move for the stairs almost summoned a chuckle in Kasumi, but it was tempered and stifled by her need to offer Yuzuru a brief warning, "Just… Take care, Yuzuru." She warned, knowing he heard her words as he slowed his ascent, "She may be a bit delirious."

Yuzuru turned his head just far enough to make eye contact and offer a nod before scaling the last of the stairs and vanishing from sight.

Kasumi smiled, a contended sigh audible to none but her.

Ah, to be young again…

-o-O-o-

Finding Kanade's room posed remarkably easy for Yuzuru, marked as it was by a small name plaque hanging in vigil beside the doorframe. He considered knocking for a moment, a bundle of unexpected nerves causing doubts and trepidation to well up within him, but he decided to simply weather them and enter instead. If he'd hesitated for even a moment then there was no way he'd maintain his courage.

The door, much to his surprise when he tried to open it, wasn't locked. But then it did make sense – Kanade's mother was no doubt checking up on her at regular intervals, so of course the door would be unlocked.

The room itself was quite dark compared to the hall to which it was connected, no doubt the curtains were drawn to keep out the light and enable Kanade to get all the sleep she required. It took Yuzuru's eyes a second or two to adjust, allowing him to take in the room in its entirety. It was a remarkably unassuming place. The floorboards were bare, though varnished, and complimented the monotone apple white walls with their darker contrast. There was a single large window in the wall opposite the door, across which were drawn full-length blackout curtains in a pale colour he couldn't quite place in the darkness– were they yellow or white. Perhaps just on the slightly more yellow side of buttermilk?

Beneath the window there was a decent-sized wooden desk with space enough for a desktop computer and a place currently littered with various textbooks and writing pads. A dozen or so books stood to attention in a neat little row where the back of the desk met the wall just beneath the window, though he couldn't make out the titles or authors in the dark. There was also a small free-standing picture frame towards the edge closest to an occupied single bed.

It was a proper bedstead and mattress rather than a futon, complete with duvet and valance. Kanade's slight figure was easy enough to make out beneath the covers, even in this darkness.

Plucking up the courage to venture further inside, Yuzuru paused long enough to close the door behind himself before carefully and quietly making his way over towards the desk, wanting to get a better look at the photograph within the frame. A closer glimpse revealed that it was actually a dual-picture frame, separated into two distinct halves by a solid vertical divide. On one side there was a drawing of a face, seemingly professionally etched and shaded in various graphite pencil tones - he had to admit, it looked remarkably like a picture of himself – and on the other side a small photograph of a man, woman and child all sitting together.

The urge to pick up the ornate silver frame and have a closer look was too overwhelming to resist, and it took Yuzuru only a moment to realise exactly what the photograph was showing. The woman in the picture was unmistakably Kanade's mother, smiling widely and warmly directly into the camera. The man, his arm protectively around her shoulder, sported an equally intense smile. His eyes were a startlingly bright azure, though his hair was as white and vibrant as Kanade's own.

And there, sat between the two, was a little girl no older than four or five with a look of pure delight on her face. The platinum locks and shimmering bangs were unmistakable, and the sparkling smile captured in those golden eyes was one he'd grown to know very well. It was a smile that only she could have worn, a fleeting glance into her soul which she afforded only to those she wished to share her joy with. It had lost none of its innocence between now and then.

"Kanade…" he smiled down at the little photograph. The happiness, the uncompromisingly pure delight that one little photograph managed to encapsulate, was truly heart-warming.

"Yuzuru?" Kanade's soft voice lapped drowsily at his ears, pulling his attention towards the occupied bed. Even in the slight light of the darkened room he could see the gentle, reflective shimmer of her half-opened eyes.

Yuzuru couldn't have restrained the smile that crossed his lips even if he'd wanted to, putting the photo frame down gently in its place, "Hey there, sleepy head."

Yuzuru had a quick look around, spying the chair that went with the desk – an adjustable swivel office chair, padded out with what appeared to be real black leather – and pulled it over to the side of Kanade's bed. He perched himself carefully on the edge, leaning forwards and supporting his arms on his knees.

Kanade's sleepy smile as she looked back up at him through heavy lidded eyes showed she was aware enough of her surroundings to know Yuzuru was with her, though he wasn't entirely certain how conscious she was of his actions. She blinked slowly, as if caught up in a dream, and held a hand out towards him.

Tentatively, Yuzuru reached out and took her hand in his own, closing his larger digits around her small fingers and giving a reassuring squeeze. Her hand was slightly clammy, as if she'd been suffering with a fever, yet it was surprisingly cool at the same time. He was about to ask her how she was feeling when with a gentle yawn and a smack of her lips she lifted his hand to her cheek and moved to roll over.

Leaning forwards as he was, Yuzuru was caught completely off-balance, and Kanade had put enough force into her roll to pull him onto her bed.

"Yikes!" was his surprised protest as he reached out to catch himself, trying to avoid landing across her. He only just managed it, leaving him with an uncomfortable amount of pressure in the wrist of his one formerly-free, now-supporting arm.

He allowed himself a stifled moment of restrained laughter, the chuckle catching in his throat as he reigned it in, realising his one remaining option. Staying as he was, his wrist would go dead in a matter of minutes. Wrenching his other hand free would no doubt wake Kanade up completely, and as much as he'd like to talk to her right now – maybe even ask for his hand back? – he'd rather weather the situation and let her get the rest she so desperately needed.

Besides, spending a little time with her like this wouldn't be a bad thing at all.

Yuzuru carefully lifted himself up onto the bed, freeing up his supporting hand and bringing it up to stroke her hair. The sweet scent which greeted him being this close to her was slightly floral, with a hint of spice and incense.

Comfortable, he closed his eyes.

Only for a moment.

-o-O-o-

Kasumi Tachibana had never really thought of herself as out of shape. Then again, she'd never been a fitness fanatic either, having no particular sport she liked to play and never having held gym membership in her life. But, as she carted the drinks tray carefully up the stairs – complete with overly-full pitcher and glasses - trying to balance both herself and the tray's contents, huffing and puffing all the way, she began to give it some serious thought.

It wasn't that she was unused to climbing the stairs either, having lived in that house for so long. In all likelihood it had more to do with the fact that she'd just spent the last ten minutes running around the lower floor of the house getting those all-important little chores completed and out of the way – and in record time too – so she could check up on her daughter and her companion.

With a heavy sigh she was finally on the landing at the top of the staircase, and with not a drop spilled. There was something incredibly satisfying with that.

Of course, the next obstacle was the door to Kanade's room itself. Somehow, employing a balancing act which would have proven a challenge to even the most seasoned of acrobats, standing on one leg and balancing the entire tray precariously on one hand whilst the other granted her admission by pulling aside the door. She had to wonder how waiters could do this for a living.

"Alright, kids." She beamed merrily as she stepped into the room, "Drinks are on the house. OJ for Kanade, and Yuzuru I didn't know what you'd like so I brought you a bottle of…"

She trailed off into silence when she looked over the sight which greeted her. Kanade, safely cocooned in her duvet, breathing slowly and deeply in unconscious rest. Yuzuru, atop the blankets, had his arm around her protectively, himself snoring ever so slightly.

The sweet innocence of it all imparted upon Kasumi a fond sense of nostalgia.

"I'll just leave this here…" she spoke to nobody in particular, placing the tray silently on the desk. She took another moment to replace the chair which had been by the bed to its rightful spot under the desk.

When she left the room she only looked back the once, taking in the sight one last time. She was happy for Kanade, knowing the happiness she was likely to find in the arms of this young gentleman.

The door shut silently, and the room fell once again into a peaceful darkness.

-o-O-o-

Chapter 5: Matters of the Heart

Author's Note:

I apologise if that felt a bit like filler and very little plot progression. This is actually only half of the content I wanted to get into this chapter, but I felt that to include everything in one block would make it uncomfortably long by my conventions, and I didn't want to risk cutting sections out at the cost of the quality of my writing. As a result, this chapter ended up being mostly Yuzuru's inner thoughts and feelings. I hope I pulled it off quite well – I'm sure you'd tell me if I completely missed the mark.

Including Kanade's mother in this chapter also wasn't something I had in the original draft. But, as I began to flesh this one out a bit I found that including her brought more to the plot than my initial set-up would have. I don't think a name was ever mentioned in the Anime (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong), so I opted for Kasumi (which means mist).

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed it so far. There's a lot more of this story to come!