Title: Mentor
Chapter Twenty-Two: Knocking
It was odd walking through the hospital.
Surreal even.
Not because she knew that she was on her way to watch a friend die, but because as she walked the corridor and maneuvered around gurneys and patients in wheelchairs; Allison felt a comforting familiarity. The churning feeling that had been building in her stomach slowly eased away by the sense of belonging. She could walk the lengths of these hallways without the slightest feeling of trepidation or awkwardness. And as she and Julia came to Jeff's room, it was Allison who brought her hand forth to open the door without hesitation.
As the door swung back on its hinges, not making a sound of grinding metallic parts, as if to add to the deathly silence already consuming the room, Allison looked at the man she barely recognized lying on the bed. His face was paler than the pillow case it rested on, the only semblance of color was the dried red cracks of his lips. His cheeks had turned into hollow crevices that seemed to become concave before stretching into the strong structure of his chin.
"Hi, Jeff." Allison said softly, entering the room, and giving Julia's arm a tug. The girl behind her gave a deep breath before they entered and sat on a chair that was on the opposite side of the bed than Joe's.
" 'ey, Ally." Jeff said softly, his voice hoarse and breath shallow. It was the first time that she'd seen him coherent enough to speak, let alone recognise her, " 'ow did it go... In New Jersey?"
"It went great, Jeff." Allison said softly, realizing that he didn't remember the last two weeks at all.
"I thought... It was laryngitis." He twitched his arm slightly.
"I'm sorry I didn't get to spend more time with you before I left." Allison said softly.
"Don't waste... your time... apologising... for that." His lips cracked as he gave a weak smile, causing the pale lips to crease with red. "I'm just glad... you're here... now..."
Allison knew that the inflammation of his glands was making it difficult for him to breathe and talk and that she shouldn't think too much into it. However, something inside her said it wouldn't be much longer.
"Jeff," Allison began softly, "I know you don't want your parents to hurt, but don't you think they'd want to say goodbye to you?" Her hand took his. "It might make you feel better, and if you care about them, you'd want them to be able to tell you they love you one last time, right?"
Eyes hooding, Jeff showed the familiar signs of fatigue, "I don't want... them to see me... like this." His hands twitched again, as if to gesture to the body that was shutting down on him.
"I know." Allison whispered. "But we could call them, and you could hear their voices."
Julia looked at her friend, as if to say "why are you doing this to me!?", but Allison ignored the look of trepidation.
"They'll come." Jeff's hollow eyes leaked tears down the creases of the corner of his eyelids.
"They'll want to see you, Jeff." Allison told him.
"They won't... Understand." The streams were flowing faster now.
"I'll explain it to them so that they do." Allison said firmly, and Julia's eyes snapped over to her.
"Julia..." Jeff looked at the other girl, "Should I?"
"I don't know." Julia choked, "I can't do it though. I can't. I'm not ready." She tried desperately to pull back the tears.
"Joe?"
"I've wanted you to tell them." Joe said huskily, making Allison jump. She had almost forgotten he was in the room, he'd been so quiet.
Jeff's eyes shut softly, "Call them." He said with finality.
Allison stood up with Julia as they went to find a pay phone.
"I can't do this, Ally." Julia said shakily. "I don't know what to say... I don't know..." She turned her eyes on Allison, beseechingly. "Will you... Will you do it?"
Swallowing hard, Allison nodded, and took the scrap of paper Julia had written Jeff's parents' number on. As she dialed, Allison half wanted to get the machine. She knew it was cold to want to leave something like that for them to hear, but it would be better than hearing them cry.
When a woman picked up, Allison tried her best not to stammer, "Hello, is this Mrs. Howards?... Hello, Mrs. Howards, this is Allison Cameron, I go to school with your son." Allison took a deep breath, "I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but he requested that you speak to one of his friends. Jeff was diagnosed with thyroid cancer back in June-" Allison couldn't help pulling the phone from her ear when the woman shrieked. "I know this is difficult, but-... He didn't want to worry you, or for you to see him like this, but he's running out of time and he's changed his mind. He wants to see you. No, I'm sorry, there's nothing the doctors can do, the cancer has spread to his brain, and it won't be long before his body can no longer fight off the cancer. He's been so strong." She said in a comforting tone, "I'm sorry that the hospital couldn't do more for your son, but please, he wants to at least speak to you... Okay... Okay... I just want you to be aware that his voice may be a bit raspy, but he's on pain medications, and I assure you that he is comfortable... Yes, ma'am. We'll call you from his room in five minutes." Allison hung up the phone and leaned against the wall. Julia was staring at her.
"Are you okay?" Julia asked.
"Yeah." Allison stared off. She had listened to Jeff's mother crying the whole time that she'd explained what was going on. From the moment she said cancer to the moment she hung up the phone, she'd heard the woman weep. The distraught cries were still echoing in her mind. Her eyes were still picturing a woman she didn't know, burying her face in her hands and shuddering with gut wrenching sobs.
"Are you sure?" Julia asked softly.
Allison nodded, still staring off, "I just need some water. Can you make the call in five minutes?" Julia nodded, able to at least do that much since her friend had done the hardest part. "Go back to the guys." With that, Allison began to walk off in the other direction.
It was so odd.
So surreal.
At that moment, Allison didn't feel anything at all. Despite the cries she still heard in her ears. Despite the things that her eyes still visualized. Allison didn't feel the nausea she had back in New Jersey. She didn't feel the tears welling up like she had expected.
That was why she couldn't go back into that hospital room. Because she'd just detached herself entirely, and the stoic expression she knew that covered her face, would be too cold to turn upon those grieving in that room.
Arriving in the ladies washroom, Allison stared at her reflection in the mirror, wondering if she looked as calm as she felt. No, she looked like she was in a state of shock, and the signs of the fight she'd had with Julia a meer hour ago were very noticeable with her black eye and scratched face. Then her mind began to wonder if she had actually gone into shock. Her mind quickly argued that it was improbable to go into the medical definition of shock, but the emotional definition was another story.
Her hands felt cold. Other than her wide eyes, that was the only physical sign that she was stressed. But as she thought about it, her heart sped up and her breathing went shallow. Tearing her eyes from the mirror, Allison looked at the floor.
"Stop it." She told herself, "I'm doing this to myself." Allison took a deep breath, "I feel guilty that I'm not crying, so I'm quickly giving myself an anxiety attack." Allison took another deep breath to counteract the shallower one's she'd experienced. "There's nothing wrong with me not crying. I'm not heartless for not crying." But even as she told herself this, she felt the tears begin to leek from her eyes. "No, no, no." Allison slammed her fist to the countertop. She knew the tears she was shedding weren't for Jeff, and it angered her. She couldn't cry for him, the man who was dying didn't get any tears. Instead she cried for not crying for him. She cried for the over all feeling of guilt. She wasn't sad, her mind couldn't grasp sorrow.
"Ally?"
"GO AWAY!" Allison hollered, and the door quickly shut.
Left alone with her empty feeling, Allison looked up once more at her reflection. "I'm not heartless." She told her reflection. "I AM NOT HEARTLESS!"
But her reflection just looked back at her with doubt towards the statement. Spinning around, Allison left the washroom and went to the pay phone. She dropped a large amount of coins into it before getting to dial the number she wanted. "Greg."
"Ally, I tried calling your dorm but no one picked up-"
"I'm at the hospital." Allison cut in.
"Are you okay!?" His voice was worried.
"I'm fine... One of my friends has thyroid cancer. It's metastasized to his brain, and he could go any day now."
"I'm sorry, Ally."
"I just called his parents to tell them he was dying, and... Greg... I can't cry." Allison said softly. "I can't cry for him, and it makes me feel even worse than if I could." Her voice was dull.
"You're compartmentalizing, Ally, just like you wanted to be able to do." House told her. "You're not feeling it yet."
"BUT I WANT TO!" A passing nurse looked at Allison before scurrying away, "I want to be able to cry for him."
"Don't worry about it."
"I will worry about it, Greg." Allison growled, "Why can't you understand? Why don't you get it? I need to cry for him."
"Ally, I told you in the beginning, that I can't hold your hand every time you had to deliver bad news." House took a deep breath, "You have to learn to deal." There was a slight hesitation, and then the line cut out.
Allison stared at the phone for a long moment, disbelieving that he'd actually hung up on her. Hanging up her own phone, Allison leaned against the wall and curled over her knees as she slid towards the floor. She shook, and cried. Sobbing harder and harder, her breath hard to take in because of how her body was crunched together.
An arm fell over her shoulder, and Allison saw Julia slide down the wall next to her and started crying, "He... He got to speak to his mom and dad... He... He passed away while they were telling them how much they love him." Julia said between her own choking sobs. "I-I couldn't bare to tell them... I told them that he fell asleep... Joe's gonna stick around to meet them when they arrive."
Allison felt like she'd been kicked in the ribs by a steel toe boot. The wind left her and she started coughing over the harshness of her cries. Soon she'd calmed herself enough to say in a voice steadier than she thought she'd be able to manage, "Let's get out of here."
Julia nodded and the two women stood up. Allison's hand rested over the key that hung from her neck. Part of her wanted to rip it off and throw it into the nearest trash can, but she couldn't. She knew that Greg would always shift between being her friend, her lover, and her mentor. He couldn't be all three all the time, she just wished he'd chosen to be her friend in this circumstance.
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House paced his office. What had he been thinking? Why had he hung up on her like that? He wanted to pull out his hair, or just shut his head in a door for his stupidity. What had he been thinking?
There was still a chance to make it right, he had to make it right.
Going to his computer, House booked the earliest flight he could to Chicago, before leaving his office and going straight to Lisa, "I've gotta go."
"House, it's only noon. Where the hell do you think you're going!?" Cuddy yelled at him.
"I need to go to Ally."
Lisa groaned, "I know you guys have been apart for over a month already, but-"
"One of her friends is dying." House said flatly, "And she had to call his parents and tell them."
"Oh no." Lisa's expression dropped, "Okay, but you've gotta be back by Wednesday!" She called as House sprinted towards the elevators, "I'll tell Diar you had a family emergency!"
House went straight to the airport, not even bothering to pack anything to change into the next day.
When he landed, he rented a car and drove, he drove to Allison's campus and then paused when he came to her dorm building.
It had been five hours already. Five hours since he'd made a complete ass out of himself and left her crying by herself.
Making his way into the building, House took to the flights of stairs like he were a teenager again, ending up on her floor in no time. He didn't know how he remembered Allison's building, let alone the floor number or room number, but he did, and as he came to her door, he felt nervous. What if she didn't want to see him now. What if she was angry?
Squaring his shoulders, House decided he could handle her wrath, so long as she forgave him for being an idiot.
Allison opened the door and looked at House, with sad, cold eyes. Her black eye made House flinch, and he wondered who had been fool enough to hit his girlfriend. Her voice was choked when she spoke at last, not even opening the door for him to enter, "I needed you five hours ago and you hung up on me. Now I just want to be alone." And she closed the door with a sharp click, but it may as well have been a slam in House's ears.
Walking across the hall, House leaned against the wall across from her door, but before he could slide down to sit on the floor, Allison's door opened and House straightened up. It was Julia, and she looked like she'd been in a bar fight. It was clear to him now, that Julia and Allison had probably been the ones that had inflicted each other's wounds.
As Allison's roommate came out with her arms crossed over her chest, she glared at House, "Why doesn't it suprise me that you would make an ass out of yourself?"
Glaring at the young woman, House replied, "For the same reason I'm not surprised that your friend's impending death still hasn't managed to make you be nice to me."
"It's not impending. He died. And a dead friend is no reason to stop calling you the bastard that you are!" She clenched her jaw, "Jeff was a truthful, nice, sweet, and handsome guy. And you... Well... you're half the man he was." Julia glared back at him. "But for some unknown reason, fate had her fall in love with you. And as much as I hate to admit it, it's probably a good thing she fell in love with you. 'Cause otherwise, she'd probably be mourning the loss of a lover; not just upset that she had to tell a friend's parents that he was dying." House went to say something, but Julia silenced him quickly, "She's loved you forever, and that's why I never hooked her up with anyone; 'cause I knew that she loved you. I tried her entire freshmen year to get her and Jeff together. But the minute she saw you, she wouldn't take her nose out of her books long enough to know another man existed. She was too busy loving you, and wanting to impress you." Julia's arms tightened over her chest, "But instead of loving her back, you just tore her apart and took away my sweet, innocent Ally. She doesn't recognize herself anymore because of what you've told her. She thinks she's a monster, and you're the one who made her one." Julia pointed to the door of their dorm room, "She's in there. You're the one who tore her apart and put her back together the way that you wanted. And then you just walked away and made her deal with things you told her she was ready for. Well she wasn't, and that's your fault." Julia gave him one final glare before stomping off down the hall.
House didn't feel like wasting his time fighting with Julia, so instead of lashing out with his defensive remarks, he just let her stomp off. When he was left alone in the hallway, House went to the door. It was locked.
Glaring at the defiant door knob, House thought for a moment before scrambling through his pockets. The locks tended to be pretty cheap on these doors, so House hoped he'd be able to use his lock picking technique, developed over the years from breaking into filing cabinets and other department heads' offices. When he'd successfully unlocked the door with a piece of the pen in his pocket and and the paper clip he'd had in there for some unknown reason, he pushed the door open.
"Leave me alone!" Allison grumbled.
"C'mon! Give me some credit! That was some serious fucking Macgyver shit!" He gestured to the door, "I must really want to see you if I put forth that much effort!" House put his hands on his hips.
Allison didn't say anything, so House shut the door behind himself and went to her bed. He had to struggle with her just to wrap his arms around her and hug her, but once she was in his embrace, she stopped trying to fight him off. "I was wrong." Allison went completely still, "I'm sorry I left you alone... But ever since the first time you spoke to me, I held you to a higher standard than anyone else I've ever known. I wanted to see you get better grades than Lisa, I wanted you to be more compassionate than Wilson, and I wanted you to be able to block out the pain and the humanity like me." House stroked her hair, "But you can't do all of those things, because no one can be compassionate and hardened to the world, and it was stupid of me to put you on a pedestal so high that the minute you stuttered, you'd fall and shatter to pieces... I know that I did this to you, and I can never take it back, but please, just give me the chance to show you that I won't desert you like that again."
Allison shivered and sniffled before turning her big watery eyes up at him, "I love you!" She wailed, her arms wrapping around his neck, "If you'd walked away from me again, I would have killed you, you bastard!" She sobbed into his throat.
House couldn't help the chuckle in his throat, "That's right, threaten me with bodily harm. It'll make you feel much better."
Allison laughed and squeezed him tighter. "I love you."
"Love you too." Looking around, House thought for a moment, "Was Julia coming back?"
"No, she's staying with Joe. We were gonna be together tonight, but you showed up, and she figured she should be with him, so yeah..."
"Where's your Fine Arts building?"
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"Greg, this is a really bad idea." Allison said in a harsh whisper.
"Sh." House grunted, going to work on the lock of the building.
"Greg." Allison moaned in worry as the lock gave and they hurriedly went into the building. "What are we doing in here?"
"I'm going to cheer you up."
"Honey, I don't find anything uplifting about doing a B&E." Allison nibbled her bottom lip from fear of getting caught as they wandered around in the near dark.
"Shh." House took her hand as they made their way through the building. "Here's where we need to be." House said, testing the door and finding it, surprisingly, unlocked. "Come on."
Allison whimpered as they went into the room. She saw a piano in the room and quickly remembered the one that was in his condo. She'd awoken to hearing him playing it a few times, but had never had the privilege to see him play. House quickly went to the bench and pushed back the key cover. Leaning against the piano, Allison listened as he lightly played the keys. As she listened, she realized that she knew the melody. Before she could think, her voice came forth and sang while he played.
I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
House smiled and looked at her as he took over the lyrics.
Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
There was a time you let me know whats really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you? (and)
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
Tears spilling from her eyes, Allison listened as he played the bridge, and joined him in the final stanza and chorus.
Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu--jah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu---u---jah
TBC
A/N- Hey, Annie-girl, I appreciate your observation, but for once!! Hey hey! This wasn't something I omitted! Yay! It was, however, an unfortunately unobserved aspect towards Jeff's inevitable death. You just jumped the gun a little bit, and that was actually to be addressed in this chapter. First remember, that Joe has been trying to encourage Jeff to let them call his parents, but no one will do it without the man's consent. Secondly, never ever underestimate an individual's fears outweighing what they know to be the right thing to do. Julia was actually quite terrified of making the call, and that is my reasoning for her not stepping up to the plate and trying to persuade Jeff to let her make the call. And of course, Allison and her meddlesome ways tipped the scales... Anyway- Hope that answers a few things...-Andi