186. The Earth Must Bleed part 1
I was barely fourteen years old.
I wasn't alone.
Matt, Michael, Graham, Ben……most of the guy students huddled along beside me.
We stood on the side of the country road, surrounded by thin woods that gradually lifted thicker and thicker into the cedar-covered plateau.
It was late in the afternoon, the gray sky of a wet Washington day looming overhead as always.
We waited……waited……
Hands in our pockets.
A few of us chatting.
Laughing and tossing adolescent insults.
Until……
They came.
And some of them were boys. Most of them were the girl-students, lagging behind in their own little cliques.
We had all learned to respect each other and—most of all—enjoy our company as a group. There was a great camaraderie and familial nature about us. And very little thought did we put into the inevitable truth.
And that truth…
In the end, only three of us would stay 'together'.
I craned my neck, blinking my brown eyes anxiously.
The laggers came up, chatting (most) and giggling (the girls). I could see Ginelle and her sister Michelle. Dawn along the perimeter. A bunch of other girls whose names I didn't bother with half of the time. And then—off center—as much in the group as she was out……
I smiled.
She was in the middle of talking to another femme in the clique. Her short-short blonde hair fluttered lightly on the edges with each touch of the cold, moist afternoon. She glanced over. Blue sapphires thinning. And she smiled the angel within—out.
She waved.
I waved back.
"Finally!" I heard Ben utter, but I didn't see him. "Thanks for being on time, people! You're only twenty minutes late!"
"You could have gone ahead of us!"
"Nah, we're too bored to be bored by not being bored by you," Graham said. "But now everything is as it should be. And it should be down the road and into Town. How about in thirty seconds, should it?"
"Come on……take it easy. We've got all night."
"Yeah……let's use every second of it!"
"Remember. Master says 'back at midnight'."
"Thanks, Michelle. Once we find a place to eat, what say you go to the restroom and take the front row desk out of your butt??"
"I'm just saying--!"
"Hehehe……god, I can't believe we're training for anything."
"Let's just go. I'm starving already."
"We're gonna check out the shops too, right?"
"Yeah, whatever. Come on, guys…"
Everyone gradually surged down the road. Downhill, ironically enough. Towards the small but healthy town of Tobias. It was that one day in the week when we all got to leave the training grounds and be out in the………'real world' again. Even if the real world turned out to be nothing bigger than a rural village with less than three hundred residents and a bowling alley serving as the nightly hot spot. But when every other day of the week consisted of intense training in the Spectrum……
Nobody could complain. If anyone taught us humility and respect for life, it was the Master.
While everyone moved along, the two of us lingered.
I looked at her.
She looked at me.
A beat.
"You look silly." "You look silly."
Another beat.
We both nervously giggled at our own comments.
Ana was a country girl princess. Plaid button-up shirt. Blue jeans. Belt……the boots. She was a perfect tomboy. She was the perfect tomboy. It always struck me curiously how she reserved her most outward femininity for the uniform she designed for herself to train in. But I suppose that there's something desperately maternal in the side of the spectrum she leaned towards. White. Creation.
I wore black. Lots of it. A black t-shirt and black jeans and a black jacket. It complemented my short black hair and contrasted……er……'nicely' with my brown eyes. My sneakers were also dark animals. I stood like an obsidian statue against the cold breezes.
"You always wear that," I pointed at her plaid ensemble. "I bet you wore that all the time at home."
"Practically slept in it," she said. We slowly walked down the road after Matt, Dawn, and the rest. "My family wouldn't have it any other way. Not that I mind."
"You said you were from the South, right?"
"Yup."
"Where exactly?"
She giggled. "I'm not telling."
"Cuz, I'm starting to believe you were just pulling my leg," I smirked. "You don't have a shred of an accent."
"That's because I repress it."
"Do you now?"
She winked an ocean-blue eye at me. "You'll just have to believe me, won't you?"
"Ugh."
"And you?" she looked at me sideways.
"Hmmm??" I blinked. "OH. Uhm……I already told you. Seattle."
"Ah, that's right. A native."
"Born and raised."
"This place must be boring to you."
"Why? Is it boring to you?"
"That's not what I meant! I meant……"
"Yeah?"
"Oh poop. There you go tripping my tongue up again!" she playfully pushed me.
I giggled.
"Does everyone in Seattle wear such dark, depressing clothes?"
"What? These?" I motioned with my upper limbs. "Nah. I'm not into dark clothes."
"…………," Ana looked at me.
"Seriously! These are what I found last time I went into Town! Remember? Two weeks ago?"
"…………"
"They've been growing on me……"
She smirked slyly. "I just think it's cute."
"Er……okay," I nodded. We walked along. A breeze or two. And then I looked at her: "What's cute?"
"You."
"I'm cute……"
"Yeah, you're cute."
"What for this time?"
"You're not gonna be one of the final three at this point," she said.
My lips parted. "I'm not?! How could you say that??"
"Your head is in the wrong place!"
"Pfft! It is not!"
"HELLO?!?!" she fingered the sleeves of my jacket. "Mr. 'Master, I am certain that I am built for Construction'!"
"I am too!" I pouted. I looked down the road at the others walking ahead of me. "White's the only way to go! You won't catch me ripping stuff apart for some universal good!"
"And what about……ya know……," she pointed at my clothes. "Black?"
"Pffft……Black's boring."
"You sure? Ever seen the students training in that part of the Spectrum? They're lightning quick!"
"I don't need to be quick. I just……just……"
"Yeah, Jordan?"
"I need to be there."
"……"
"For others."
"……"
"With Constructive assistance, ya know?" I glanced sideways at her. "I've found a place in the world where—if I practice just right—I can become a living angel." I stared ahead again. An exhale: "I can earn my wings……"
"I think you're just encroaching on my field of study."
I stuck my tongue at her.
She giggled.
A beat.
She walked closer to me.
I bit my lip.
The edges of my cheeks were slightly red……
"Ya know……," she said in a lower voice. "Master has told me that I'm definitely built for the White."
"Uh huh…"
"And in the end……there will only be three students. Three students to take on the Mastery of the Spectrum."
"Uh huh………"
"And……there will only be one for every color," she said. "Only one Construction adept will move on."
I nodded. "Yeah……"
"…………Yeah……"
"………"
"………"
A beat.
I suddenly blinked.
I looked over my shoulder.
"Say……"
"Yes?"
"Someone's missing. Where is—"
"Back in the Master's dojo," Ana said. "Training."
I blinked. "He's still training??"
She giggled. "Yeah. You gotta admit……he's a lot more dedicated than both you and me. Heck, more than the rest of the students too!"
I ran a hand through my short hair and exhaled. "Jeez……talk about true passion." A beat. I chuckled. I looked at her smirking: "You know what that means, right?"
"Hehe……," she nodded. "Yup."
"Someone's gonna be 'seeing red' sooner or later."
"Most likely," Ana said. And she suddenly hooked an arm around mine and skipped us ahead. "Come on! Let's catch up with the others!"
"O-Okay!"
And we energetically bounded forward.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
"…………."
Four years later, a face stared back at me. It had weary black eyes beneath dark sunglasses. Long black hair held back in a ponytail. And….as the face turned….
A new scar on the cheek. A young sibling to the 'X' across my throat.
I took a deep breath.
For every scar……there's a cross-country trip.
I exhaled.
I dipped my hands in.
The face broke in dozens of tiny mirror-crackling rivlets.
I cupped cool liquid in my metal and flesh palms. I splashed my face. I lifted my head towards the setting sun until the droplets drenched down.
I reopened my eyes. There were streaks lingering on my shades. I didn't care. They were impervious, second eyes to me.
After a break, I stood up on the east bank of the Mississippi. A slope of silt and moist earth stretched down into the voluminous river. Across the way, I stared into the shell of . Skyscrapers leisurely stretching towards the sky. A water-spanning bridge cluttered with traffic. And…naturally….the pride of the City, the Jefferson National Expansion Memorial. Its ivory skin glistening in the melting Sun on the western Horizon.
West…..
The one place I didn't want to go back to. Ever.
And yet, the one place I was already two thirds of the way to.
Yes, there would be turning back. But not yet.
Not until I found what I was questing for….or died trying.
And there was no better place to die in……than the West.
I walked over to a mound of dirt and hoisted up a backpack. Myrkblade was concealed inside the pack, along with my scabbard. I had gradually replaced my combat fatigues with black jeans, a dark t-shirt, and a black jacket. The weather was growing colder and colder. And at night—running as fast as my powers could manage on their own—I knew it would be horrendously cold over the Plains. I knew because I had been there before…over a year ago….going the other way.
I also knew that I had some desert ahead of me. So—for the day time—I had acquired some lighter clothes of even lighter colors. As little as I could carry without much difficulty. I had brought a fair sum of money with me for the trip. And already, very little was left. I wasn't sure how I would fair once I got to Nevada, but as long as I got there I would not worry.
I spent little on food and water. Much like my first trip Eastward, my first trip Westward employed the various grueling arts of fasting I had learned when I first ever honed in on my powers under the Master. Food and water were things just as trivial as the human flesh, and similarly just as bound to the Spectrum as everything else. I'd governed my body and mind to balance itself not on the needs of the internal organs, but instead on the bottom, hierarchal platform of Blackness. The middle of the Spectrum. The power that kept watch over the necessities of White Construction and Red Destruction.
I could go for a long….long time without meeting normal human requirements of food and water. Only if I was in desperate need of such fasting.
And I was in need of such…
The Titans were…..
Everything….
I shouldered the backpack.
I turned around and looked across the Mississippi again.
Standing in Illinois.
Flexing my limbs.
So much Earth……
I took a deep breath.
FWOOOOOSH!!!
I blurred forward at superhuman speed.
I can almost see why you liked it so much, Ana……
My murking feet carried me over the waters of the Mississippi until I blazed as a speeding streak of darkness into and over the landscape of Missouri beyond…
Into the burning sunset.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
Dear Diana,
The date is November 15, 2004.
It is four in the morning. Here I have stopped under a lone highway overpass at least fifty-five miles west of St. Louis. After an exhaustive day's quest, I passed out of the Ohio River Valley and am finally on route to cutting through the Plains States. The November air is cold and unforgiving. The winds biting. And all the more so at night. But the faster I blur and the quicker I murk across the landscape, it almost feels like I am outrunning temperature itself. I don't have quite the resilience of White or the tenacity of Red. Instead, my powers just allow me to blend with the elements. If the air is cold and the land frigid, then the smoke that trails from my limbs is liken unto the mist of ice bergs. I have always felt somewhat cold blooded when testing the endurance of my powers. And—indeed—I have been testing such endurance. Over forty-eight hours ago, I departed from the Titan's City. And I have not stopped my pace a bit, save only for the very brief moments when I can afford myself at least thirty minutes of sleep at a time. It is a regulation I have spent incalculable periods of my adolescent days perfecting. And now……it is serving me well.
But to what end? I have not spoken to a single ally or received any word of comfort since starting this quest. I'm not even sure if there's any legitimacy in writing you these letters. I have no honest clue when or how I can send them to you. But I suppose it's what I need to maintain my sanity. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I can handle myself quite well, and I'm in no need of special assistance. But still, Diana, I can only wish that all of my faculties shall be at pure, functioning levels so that when the time comes—I can use them towards the Titan's good will.
The Titan's good will…
I am miles, rivers, and mountain ranges away from my comrades. And yet……everything I do……everything I breathe……everything I ache for……I do so for them. I do not think of it as selflessness. At the same time, I do not quite see it as a simple obsession either.
It is……a duty……
Robin's contract is not finished. And I suppose you would have to be there, Diana. You would have to be a Titan to understand what it means to live in the shadow of the Boy Wonder's deceased legacy. To feel every morning like there are traces of some warm body's shadow lingering in the corners of the hallways. The Tower feels so much more empty than ever I could have perceived it.
Robin is dead. The Titans have lost something immeasurably huge. It is due time—I do believe—that the Titans gain something huge back. It would be………beyond egotistical and presumptuous to say that I can provide them with this healing. But I have a belief that something good……something purposeful……something divine will come forth from finding Terra.
Blake Glover's words so easily, so swiftly, and so succinctly captured my heart that I know—to the very deepest fiber of my being—he is telling as much truth if not more so than the Messenger himself. And I have not seen the Messenger since before Robin's death. Like the Titans, he has dwindled off into silent, unconfessed oblivion. I have not seen the Messenger since our leader died on us. Similarly, I have not seen that exact same spark of joy and boundless confidence in Starfire's eyes. I have not heard the energy in Beast Boy's laughing voice. Raven has holed herself up and released everything paradoxically at the same time. And Cyborg……
Well……
Dreams do die, Diana. All ideas and all feelings and all emotions are as temporary and mortal as man in flesh. The only answer, then, is to give birth to new ideas in the place of lost ones. And right now, I'm holding to the truest idea that I can fathom. Or that any of the Titans can fathom, for that matter.
Terra is alive. Terra is waiting for salvation. Terra shall be rescued……and she shall be brought back to the Tower. The threshold of a new dream, realized, golden. Like the eyes of her whom I have never seen when the furious breath of the Earth billows from the ground to sky.
I know that I am not foolish, Diana. The Earth will not bleed. The sky will not turn red. If I must do the task of ensuring such alone, I will do so.
And maybe……in time……I'll return soon enough to win back Cyborg's lost spirit. And then blanket the rest of the Titans thenceforth in hope. More than hope. Felicity.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
"And……in short……," Ben smirked, his glass raised. "……that is why Master looks like a lovechild of Danny Devito and Willie Nelson!!"
Matt spit some of the soda he was drinking and laughed.
Ginelle and Michelle giggled.
A few others rolled their eyes.
A huge group of us occupied the back corner of booths and tables inside Tobias Village's roadhouse eatery. We had half-eaten dishes and soda pitchers before us. A real night out on the (tiny) town.
"I'm………somewhat frightened of—"
"Of what, Dawn?"
"Well……the Master ripping your head off or something during training for saying that!"
"He wouldn't do that," Ben sipped from his glass and sat back. "After all, he teaches us that we must fear the elements and nothing else!"
"Yeah……but he can become the elements," Michael pointed. "All three of them, I might add."
"Then he might be a redneck," Ben shrugged. "So what?"
"I think Jordan's bored of this conversation. What are you up to, Jordan?"
I looked up from staring lethargically into a pitcher of Dr. Pepper. I smiled. "About three bathroom breaks in the next hour. What about yourselves?"
"Hehehehehe."
"Whatever, Jordan."
"Hey! Did you see yesterday when Samuel---"
The other half of the booths went about their conversation.
I stirred with my straw and stared at the carbonated beverage again.
And, over time, I realized that someone else was staring at me staring at the carbonated beverage.
"………," I glanced aside.
Ana sat beside me. And at my direct attention, she smiled. "Thought you'd be a little bit more cheerful tonight."
I simpered. "I am cheerful." I shrugged. I 'pointed' at the glass of Dr. P with an adolescent nod of the head. "I only drink myself to depression on occasion."
"Sure………if you say so."
I shrugged.
Silence.
"I could have sworn……," Ana murmured, gesturing with a graceful hand. "When I first met you here……I thought you had known those guys for life. Especially the boys. You were all over each other with jokes and friendship and whatnot."
"Nah, we never knew each other beforehand—"
"Right. Which just goes to show……," Ana giggled. "You really know how to make friends."
I smirked.
She leaned her head to the side. "But……lately, you've not been quite on the same page with them."
I bit my lip.
"Is
there a reason for that?"
"I choose my friends……wisely," I said. I gave her a purposefully cliché look of mystery. "And those whom I do choose are few in number."
"Awww……you a loner?"
"Pfft! Hardly. Heheheheh……"
"Did you have friends before you came here?"
I winced. And for good reason too.
Ana kept looking at me as if there was nothing wrong with her question. "Well?"
I swallowed nervously and glanced around at the walls as if eyes were peering through them. "Ana……it's……uhm………against the Master's teachings to think much on the past while training. You know how he says that—"
She leaned forward. "You want to practice Construction, right?"
"……well, of course—"
"Here's a little secret about Construction," she winked and whispered. "You always try and remember the Beginning of things. The End doesn't matter, for there's something far more sacred in the essence of an idea than in its inevitable deterioration."
"Ugh……," I rubbed my head. "Stop using big words……"
"Hehehehe," she giggled quietly. Our little 'quiet side' of the table. "In other words—"
"Think about the need. Worry about consequences later?"
"Well……not exactly—"
"Sounds more like Destruction to me."
"Look, you're turning what I have to say all upside down!" Ana waved. "What I'm trying to say is……history is very important. It teaches us how things are reinforced……and how they can be more readily reinforced."
"……………"
"So……," she smirked. "Tell me about your friends?"
"Just one whom I remember right now……," I thought aloud. I scratched my chin. I stared off across the chattery roadhouse restaurant. "Someone who lived in my neighborhood. School too. Treehouse chum. Heheh."
"What was his name?"
"Her."
"………," Ana blinked. "Her??"
"Yeah," I shrugged. "Diana. Diana Meners." I looked at her and smiled. "She had a proper name in Chinese, but I never really memorized it." I blinked. "She could kick the Hell out of a soccer ball."
"I bet……"
"………"
"………"
We both giggled helplessly.
I ran a hand through my short hair and exhaled.
"Do you miss her?" Ana asked.
I gazed off. A beat. "Nah."
"You don't?"
"You know what Master says abo—"
"Besides that. We already discussed that part……"
"Okay then……," I leaned back in my seat and sighed. A beat. I looked at Ana. I said: "I don't miss any friends or family I had a few months back……cuz……what's important is what I'm here for now."
"………"
"I mean………Ana, the Spectrum is something so……so grand. And yet so real. It is up to us to learn how to control it before really ugly souls tap into its power. I'm honored to work with the Master on finding the three who will carry on his discoveries. And as that's true……I find myself suspended among so many……t-talented people. I want to make sure everyone is going through this safely. Yourself. The guys. Even the Master and his assistants and—"
Ana sighed……then giggled.
"????" I looked at her strangely.
She cleared her throat and shook her head. "So the greatest friends you have……are the ones you're working with at all times……and ironically the ones you're most motivated to protect."
"………"
"Don't you get it, Jordan?" she smirked. "That is so……so……'Black'. You are an Equalizer."
"Hrmph……," I stared back at the Dr. Pepper.
"You're not a Creator. But instead……like……l-like a shepherd! Diana's like one sheep who you know is either gone from the prairie of your life for good or waiting somewhere else, safe and secure. But all you care about is the flock around you right now. It's as obvious as sunlight! You have a purpose in the Spectrum! And that quite simply is—"
"Allright, Miss 'Construction' expert," I smirked at her. "Tell me……what's the epitome of 'White'?"
"Hoo boy……," she rolled her blue eyes.
I pointed: "What about your friends before you came here?"
"……………," she gradually lost her smile in the same way that she lost her eyes towards the distant corners of the room. Something sadly complex about her seeped to the surface of her face like the criss-crossing lines of her plaid getup. A labyrinth of beautiful streams all working together to build her form and then scatter it across the oblivion of a blatantly 'present' landscape.
And I felt like I had burned down a rainforest. I swallowed a lump down my throat and said: "I……uhm……I'm sorry. If that's too personal a question—"
"Not at all……," Ana smiled swiftly. Like a silver moon, straight at me. "I……am making my friends now, Jordan…," she said. "Only……I'm not so much trying to maintain them like you are……"
I blinked.
She spoke: "……I'm building them. It's like Creation……when the Earth is separated from the firmaments and given life. The Earth was once……like some giant body of flesh and arteries just waiting to be filled with blood."
"………"
She sighed with a peaceful smile and leaned back, hugging her thin self. "I am so happy to be here. Learning the Spectrum. But I know it's not a 'Black' thing. I'm not taking advantage of the people and places around me make myself strong. But rather……I'm using this whole experience………this avenue of friendship……to paint my life new like it was a giant, clean slate. I……I can believe in things now. Much more than I ever could or could not manage to do so before……"
I stared at her. Silent. Everything in the distance—the laughing, the joking, the eating sounds—it faded swiftly as I focused in on this mysterious angel before me.
Ana looked at me again. She smiled: "And I feel like……I've created something very……very special. Right here. Over the last few months."
"Oh yeah?" I asked. "What?"
She suppressed a giggle.
"????" I looked at her, humored.
She glanced away from me, some. The corners of her cheeks were pink. "Ahem……you're a silly person, Jordan. You know that?"
I shrugged.
"And you're wyrd."
"Hehehehehe."
I took a major sip of my patient Dr. Pepper finally. I tried to look at the others and engulf myself in their conversations.
But instead……I felt very much distracted.
I felt……
Carried along by the elements. The mental trail of…dark smoke.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
Kansas City.
Atlantis reunified. Jinx had gotten loose. H.I.V.E. fell. Viper and Dagger came back. Robin and Decker died. And the City of the Titans was nearly leveled to the ground.
Only three dramatic months had passed since I was in Kansas City last.
The place looked the same.
The same roads.
The same apartment buildings.
The same Country Club Plaza.
The only thing different was the freeze in the air from a cold front. I trudged under an amber sky as yet another sunset in as many sunsets greeted my passing. I gazed out towards my right as I walked down a main road. In the cities, I sometimes slowed down to a simple stroll. I needed to break my blurred, murking pace every now and then to 'recharge' as it were; my body and my meditation. And also, I didn't want to accidentally 'run through' a person or a car or anything else of fragile nature. Blurring through urban landscapes was dangerous—I eventually found out. I could do it all the time back in the Titan's City because—for the most part—I had finally managed to memorize the layout of Downtown and its buildings. I knew what walls to run up, what rooftops to jump over, and what angles to glide down.
But here. Kansas City. Halfway across the Continent. All I remembered was…..
"……," I glanced right into a plaza.
I caught a ghostly familiar image of a Borders bookstore in the center of a parking lot.
My shaded eyes narrowed.
Images of Intergang creeps, burning trucks, railroad tracks, kryptonite, and a laughing robot hitman flew across my mental vision.
I took a deep breath.
An hour later…when I picked up speed and blurred out of the western end of Kansas City, I gazed northward some into the endless farmlands and countryside.
And I thought I felt something familiar.
Silken hair and a warm hug under the stars of the blue night.
Inevitably, I forced myself to gaze westward. Away from her.
And I blurred into oblivion.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
November 16, 2004.
Early this morning, as the sun began to rise, I cleared Kansas. I forgot how easy it was to 'run across' the Plain States. I can bound over the rolling hills and blur over farmland and leap murkingly from pasture to pasture with very little obstruction in my path.
It is so easy, in fact, that I can nearly forget everything that this state and those surrounding it mean to me. You were there at Robin's funeral, Diana. You saw who came and who didn't come. You saw those who mourned in public and realized those who decided to do things on their own, whether it'd be weeping or paying respect or doing nothing of the sort altogether.
Sure you must have noticed like I and the rest of the Titans did that Kara Kent did not come. And neither did Batman, or Nightwing, or Batgirl, or even Speedy from Star City. There were famous faces that we all knew. And then a few that none of us recognized. And I know it would have been very shallow of me to imagine everyone of superhero ilk in the world coming to pay the deceased Boy Wonder respects.
But……
Not even Batman and his cohorts? Somehow, I get the feeling that you may know the reason for your fellow Justice League member not being there for the memorial of his former teammate. And I'm not trying to insinuate anything by any means, Diana. I just hope you can at least share this with the Titans: was Batman ashamed of Robin? Was what Robin did in forming the Titans and getting so humanly close to all of his friends a bad thing? Did Robin ruin his own image before all that was left of his heroic self was cast before the fire?
Speedy, I can almost excuse. There are issues concerning him which I have made an oath—to whatever powers may be in the universe—not to reveal. The Speedy that Robin made friends with is someone who has passed away long time ago. The redheaded boy underneath the mask of the Green Arrow's sidekick is someone else by now, I imagine. I do not see how it would have been fitting for him to be at a funeral for someone in a field of work that has already long decayed in the red archer's life.
And Kara……
Kara has tried to explain. As she always is willing to explain with great, desperate detail. And the last time I 'talked' with her online, I cut our conversation short. I didn't want to hear what she had to say. And it wasn't out of anger or bitterness, Diana. Honestly. I have already been mad at Kara, and delayed communicating with her because of such resentment. But now……I'm not angry at anyone. Not Kara. Not Speedy. And not Batman's family.
There should be no more anger now. No more hatred and bitter confusion over a lost thing. For all is not lost. Yes, Robin is dead. But that death shall be remedied. The loss shall be balanced out with an incalculable game. And though she can hardly be a replacement for the Boy Wonder's soul, Terra will bring solace and joy back to the Titans. And furthermore—I am convinced—wrenching her free from the evils of Dagger's and Triangular's hands will bring justice back to this torn, bleeding world.
This is my obsession and mine alone, now. For I am the Black balance. I am the Equalizer.
Kansas is behind me. The Rocky Mountains and cold heights of stone are ahead. It will take more than half a day to simply 'blur' over the craggy topography. The difficulty for me is especially great. And not just because of the elevation. But because……as I'm now suddenly realizing…
This is the furthest West I've been since I joined the Titans.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
"Okay……now I'm bored," Matt said.
"Pfft! You're not bored! You're stuffed!" said Dawn.
"I haven't even begun to eat!! Where's that Krispy Kreme?? Someone said they were building a Krispy Kreme in Tobias!!"
Graham walked down the sidewalk, shaking his head with a smirk.
"Matt……if I could eat as many donuts as you and still stay that thin……," Michelle began.
"It's a secret," Ben spoke. "Matt's using his meditation on Destruction to consume calories for him."
"Am not!"
"Pfft……that's such crap," Dawn rolled her eyes. "I'm a Destruction adept too. You don't see me feeling some incessant need to take advantage of the powers I'm learning."
"Last time we sparred together, you kicked me between the legs," Michael calmly said. "To each his own. Donuts or groin kicks?"
"Man……shut up!"
"Hehehehehe!!"
I leaned back against a lamppost a few steps outside the roadhouse eatery. I smiled, gazing at my fellow students. We two dozen or so of us were spread about the sidewalk of the City block like university attendees on a lunch break. Only, it wasn't lunch. The sky was turning a dark gray as the moist winds of Washington beat away. It was only three hours till the Master's curfew……but……
We felt like we had all the time in the world.
"I just thought of something……," Ginelle said from the side.
"What? Shopping? The places are all closed, girl."
"I always wanted to go on a Camping Retreat when I was a kid," she said. Looking at the rest of us. Smiling. "You know……like……log cabin bunk beds, songs around the campfire, friendship beads----the works!"
"You're a bit old for that, don't you think?"
"Nobody's ever too old!" Ana suddenly said. A pretty smile as everyone looked at her. "I think a campfire would be great!!"
"I think someone would arrest us if we lit something in the middle of the street here—"
"I mean the next time we get an evening off from training!" Ana gestured. "Wouldn't that just be………warm and fuzzy?"
"Yeah!" Ginelle hopped. "We could use the field out beyond the dojos!"
"The other field, right? Not the one we train in……," Matt pointed. "Cuz if we set fire to the training area—"
"Shut up, Matt," Ginelle looked around. "That's an awesome idea, thank you, Ana!"
Ana giggled. "You're too sweet. Don't mention it."
"Real camping material, that girl……," I motioned towards Ana and winked at everyone else. "Heck, I bet she had a raccoon as a head pillow where she used to sleep."
Ana stuck her tongue out at me. "So I'd be my element. So what? Someone's gotta put the Earth into each and every one of you."
Ben blinked. "Say what?"
"Even if you're not a Construction Adept," Ana gestured towards the sky and everything beneath. "You all must learn at some point or another to……to respect nature. Mother Earth. How much Life surrounds us and warms us like a blanket at times we least expect it……" She hugged herself, sighed, and smiled. "Even Destruction and Balance must all stop somewhere. Somewhere……strong. And wholesome."
"And trippy," Ben winked.
Dawn shoved him.
"Ow!"
"Sounds extremely ambiguous and wyrd," Graham said. A blink. He smiled: "I like it."
"Ana! Camp counselor!! Al Gore spokesperson!!"
"Hehehehehehe!!!"
"Awwww shucks."
"Ha ha ha ha!!"
I shook my head and sighed, smiling. "I think you draw quite a crowd, Ana."
She smiled back at me.
"She could draw an even bigger one!" Michelle squealed. "How about a tune, Ana?"
"Yeah! A tune!"
"Egads……," Dawn ran a hand over her face. "This is so corny……"
"Gotta love it," Ben gave a thumb's up.
"All right……all right……," Ana relented. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her one possession from the past. The one thing that the Master personally gave her pardon to cling onto.
I smiled as I saw it and smiled even more as I heard it.
Ana brought a little red harmonica to her lips. As everyone silenced themselves, Ana meditated……then played a sweet, somber tune. Like a scene out of some flickering Thirties western, the hand organ music drifted through the cold Washington air, fought against the wind, and evoked some incorporeal spirit of the Earth that only she could touch and see for some reason and yet she desired from the bottom of her heart to share with us.
Her eyes were closed and her short blonde hair fluttered gently from the fingers of the air. There was a sway amongst us as all giggling stopped and all smirks melted into some sort of half-sleep that carried us away. And for a moment, we weren't confused youngsters training to obtain an even more confusing goal of Spectrum powers. We were just living things. Seeds of the earth that put a day off before sprouting.
One of us wasn't there that evening. One student. He was off in the clouds of crimson as he felt it best to be. He tasted very little of the earth other than red.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
"……….," I gritted my teeth. I strained. I shook. I pulled myself with a metal arm first. My whole body followed, shuddering all over. Sweat and gasps---and I made it. I climbed up onto solid rock and rolled over. Facing the noonday sky. Panting.
It was dry.
So….So very dry.
And hot.
November hadn't done a thing to cool these lands.
Everything was like a frying, baking oven of superheated stone.
My only grace was a thin veil of cloud cover looming high overhead.
After a few breaths, I sat up. I reached into my backpack and got a bottle of water I had managed to acquire with my few remaining funds at an old town along a highway. I sipped a few drops, wiped my brow, and glanced Eastward from which I came.
A huge, gaping valley of dry earth and rock stretched behind me. Patches of sharp sawgrass jutted up at various locations, fighting against the pebbles and natural asphalt of the region. Struggling for moisture that just wasn't there. Sharp mountainsides like the one I had just scaled loomed over beds of earth full of dust and dirt and stone. Buttes and eroded soil formed a nightmarish waltz of Terra Firma.
There was something dirty and clean about this place all at the same time. Dirty in the hard stone that bit into my limbs as I blurred, climbed, and scrambled my way across the harsh topography. Clean in the air and the lack of moisture. I felt like I was in a vacuum. A hot, scathing vacuum.
There was much to outrun.
I stood up on wobbly legs, gathered my strength, and walked forward. And my walk shortly turned into a jog, and my jog into a sprint, and my sprint into a blur. Smoke and murk pulsed through my limbs and soon I was again speeding superhumanly across the landscape. I had a relatively flat plateau ahead of me now, and for a couple of hours the journey would be almost easy.
But there was still one and a half states between myself and my goal.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
November 17, 2004.
I am entering Utah. I now begin my slightly southwesterly bend so that I may hit the lower tip of Nevada and—hence—my destination.
These deserts……this dry Earth……it fills my thoughts with things. Things the Titans have told me. Or at least……things they have hinted to me, since they never did truly want to talk about Terra for any long period of time. I was told that Terra lived on her own before she entered the Tower. She was constantly on the run. And she did her best to stay away from places with large populations. Her powers were unstable, and she feared hurting people en masse……like she could very well have done before and felt guilty for.
She slept in caves. In trees. Besides rivers, both dry and rippling. 'The Earth was her home', as Beast Boy once described. She had only the bare essentials—food, clothes, a flashlight—to keep her sane. She chose a life of loneliness. The lost child with the endless womb of the Earth. Like some uncut placenta from a dying mother.
It is so incredibly lonely out here, Diana. The few times I have slept, I've woken up and thought that I was still in the Tower. But as soon as the realization of my present travels hit me, I lost the visions of my friends. Starfire's smile. Beast Boy cooking up some tofu monstrosity. Cyborg giving me a thumb's up and a laughing grin. Raven waving and returning gracefully to her book.
I have given so much to stay with the Titans. But I get this feeling that I was never really doing my best to be 'a part of them'. I always had my lonesomeness. I always wanted to be reclusive.
But this loneliness……this is terrible. And not so much because I am without my friends and 'family'. But because I'm getting a feel for the first time in my superheroic life what the girl Terra must have felt. And her loneliness was not just a reality before the Titans. But as she was with Slade. And when she was coerced to alienate them through betrayal. And when everything joyful in her once-precious camaraderie with the Titans quickly turned to hatred and boiling distrust.
Isolation is a bitter, caustic thing. And I shudder to think how hard it has eaten into her……in that ever-freezing cocoon of stone. The epitome of loneliness is Terra. But for how long? Even if I find her, what am I going to do with a doll of rock? How could I possibly save her from the very same thing that saved the City one day from an entire, damn volcano?
In order for the sky to turn red, the earth must bleed. Glover told me that. And if he knows it's true, than I will believe it without a doubt. Dagger wants something from Terra. Triangular too. Maybe even this 'Parasite'……this 'Red Aviary' manifestation does as well. But what is there to be done? Stone and rock can't bleed. But a human being……a little girl……
There is much blood to come from that. Terra has been broken before. And never so much more heavily than by Slade. None of us Titans have tried to question it……or even imagine it.
But something happened. Purposeful or not. Consensual or not. Terra bears Slade's child, Diana. Terra—like Earth itself—is the mother of something. The Creation of a new child is in full gear, with the Balance and the Destruction all paved away in an invisible blueprint that nobody can predict. And I can't help but think……that this is all leading to a frightful nativity. For Terra is doubly precious. And doubly alive. And—perhaps—she could very well become doubly dead.
I must not let that happen. I'll run a new Canyon into this world with my blurring feet if I have to. I will find Terra. I will free her. And the loneliness—at least—will begin to die. While something else lives on.
Somehow……
Somehow.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
"So, what was the inspiration??"
"Hmmm? For what?"
"'Jordan'."
I looked at Ana. We were walking back up the country road behind the other students. Back towards 'home'. The woods got thicker and thicker on either side of the path. The stars and moon alone were lighting our path.
"Oh……uhm……I'm not sure, exactly," I rubbed the back of my neck and smiled sheepishly. "I never knew my father to be a Chicago Bulls fan……"
"…………," Ana looked at me quizzically.
I shook my head, smirking. "Never mind."
"I think it's a good name," Ana said. "Very……fit."
"Fit?"
"Like you could kick someone's butt or something."
"I think it's a little stupid," I muttered. "I've had at least three classmates with the name 'Jordan' before. All girls."
"Hehehehe. Glad I don't have that problem."
"I still don't get why your name is spelled with one 'n'."
"It's short for Anastasia," Ana winked.
"………whoah."
"Hehehe………I know."
"Kinda sounds Russian."
"Yeah, I suppose."
I smiled at her. "What's your last name?"
"King."
"Oh, never mind then."
"Hehehe. Sorry to put your hopes up."
"Ever get 'Anna and the King' jokes?"
"Just one. You."
"Don't I feel special."
"Hehehe."
Silence.
We realized that we were lagging behind the rest of the group some. But we kept our pace. Letting seclusion and darkness soothe us. And just the two of us.
"You really sound beautiful……"
Ana looked at me. "Huh?"
"Playing the harmonica……"
She smiled and looked ahead. "First time I ever heard a harmonica's music called 'beautiful'."
"Well, it can be."
"How so?"
"When you play it."
Ana shrugged. "I've loved the mouth organ for as long as I can remember. Even as a kid."
"Taught yourself?"
"Kinda sorta," Ana stared up at the stars as we walked. "I taught myself a lot of things."
"Which……I-I guess makes you so good at Construction," I smiled at her as we went along. "Those who Create don't have people before 'chaos' to show them the ropes'."
"………," she was silent.
I blinked. A bit concerned. "Ana?"
"I……I think I'm going to be one of the three, Jodan."
"One of the three Spectrum wielders?" I raised an eyebrow. "Ana……h-how could you possibly know that so far ahead of time?" I chuckled. "I mean……hooray for optimism, but we're barely into training!"
"I just……I just sense it……," Ana breathed. "Like a prophecy. Something hanging from my neck, trying to fall into the center of the Earth. I'm meant……t-to be an agent of White. I feel it all the more every time we train and meditate and fast. The Master……he has this look in his eye whenever he teaches me. I can see that he knows it……he knows what I'm destined for."
"Okay……'optimist' and 'teacher's pet'," I smirked nervously. "Guess it'll be tough to compete with you."
"…………"
I swallowed nervously.
She looked at me. "I mean it, Jordan. You're……You're not made for Construction."
"And you know this because you're so certain that you'll wield White in the end?"
"Maybe. Perhaps. But that sounds very arrogant," she gestured. "I just……I feel like I'm already seeing and feeling the Spectrum."
"Oh?"
"Yes. Even before I ever started training."
I blinked. "Before training????"
"Like it was built into my blood or something……," she hugged herself as she walked against the moist wind ahead of me. "It's paradoxical, I know. Like the circulatory system before the body. Or the firmaments before the Earth was made from it. But I feel……I feel……"
"………"
She sighed. "It's like my vision is full of it. Both when I'm awake and when I'm asleep. White eyes. I feel more student than 'Anastasia'. I feel like I can sense the other trainees and their auras. And you……" She looked at me. Her mouth lingered open. "You're like one giant, black hole. All encompassing. Devouring. Cleansing. A soul that—deep down underneath—is self-detrimental and will do all that it can to achieve the tranquility of others even if it means suspending itself in chaos."
"Ana……please……," I smiled nervously. "I'm just as selfish as anyone around you. The most I'd ever do for someone is—"
Suddenly, she was hugging me. Her warm body pressing into mine. Enveloping me.
I lost my breath, blinking helplessly over her shoulder.
She sighed over my shoulder and spoke in a wavering voice: "You just don't know it yet, Jordan. And quite frankly, you don't have to. But I see it. On white streams of purpose and destiny, I see it. When the time comes, all you'll ever think about is the world closest around you. And……and……"
"A-Ana?" I swallowed nervously. I rested hands on her shoulders. "Are you—"
"If ever that happens……and you cross that threshold……," she pushed back and looked into my eyes. "I……I want to be there. I want to be there to make sure you don't sacrifice everything at your own expense……just for the Spectrum."
"Ana," I smiled. "You don't have to worry. "I'm sure that whatever becomes of our training……when all of the Spectrum is finally salvaged, I'll be more than your average……frail human being."
She swallowed nervously. "That's exactly why I'm concerned, Jordan."
I blinked. I glanced aside, thin brown eyes. "Ana……I think…m-maybe you need to meditate some more."
Silence.
She let go of me. She stepped back, took a deep breath, and smiled painfully. "I already have been meditating," she said. A hand ran through her short, golden angelhair. "This night……it was the best meditation ever."
I swallowed. The corners of my face were red. "You're……uhm……r-really friendly, Ana. Anyone ever told you that?"
"Yup. Just now."
"………"
"………"
She giggled.
I chuckled.
The stars yawned.
The moist wind paused for a moment.
And as I stared at the joyous blonde thing in plaid and jeans before me, I began to see something more. Like an ivory-hot power surging beneath……and yet vanilla soothing and soft and…
Heavenly.
I exhaled. And something boyish in me died. I couldn't look at her anymore, like Adam thrown out of the Garden. I looked aside, wrung my hands bashfully behind my back, and uttered: "I think we'd better……get back before the Master slams us over the head with curfew."
"Yeah, sounds good."
"Yeah……"
"………"
And so we headed home.
Briskly.
But something was different this time.
Blind, double-blind, or perhaps even paralyzed.
We were holding hands.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
I walked through a canyon supporting a tiny riverbed. Gentle currents lapped over rows of rocks and pebbles to my side.
I hopped over miniature deltas and rapids and stared up at the wide-stretching walls of a once great tributary.
Spires of half-eroded rock stretched high on either side of the ravine like lightning rods or spears. There were no birds at that part of the region. No stirring creatures. All the life was either hidden…
Or invisible.
I took a deep breath and looked ahead.
I ruled out blurring through the canyons, for they were too twisting or too jagged to navigate without frustration. I would walk along the shallow streams until I found a ravine wall on the southern side that actually wasn't so steep that I couldn't blur up to it and reach a higher plateau.
My body stunk. I had an oily sheen from over four days of endless walking, running, and blurring through lands of dirt, silt, soil, and dust. I couldn't stop for showers. The only 'restrooms' were remote corners of the unpopulated wilderness. I wasn't kidding when I chose to fast most of my food and water. I had survived on three water bottles and some fruit I bought at an Indian Reservation. My physical discipline had won out so far. But already I could feel an unbearable pain working up my stomach and into the fiber of my bones and organs. I would need sustenance soon. And yet—at the same time—I expected the end of my journey to come soon. When I reached the Las Vegas area, I would eat. I had saved up the last amount of money for that purpose alone.
But once every resource was spent and I was refueld…..what then?
I took a deep breath.
I would take it one step at a time.
Alone.
That's how Terra reached her epiphany. And that was how I would reach mine.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
To save Terra, Diana, I feel like I must become her. Her loneliness. Her helpless isolation. Her starving hope in some destination as laughably 'real' as the mirages on the horizon.
I felt for her. But not quite in the same way that the other Titans loved and admired her.
I felt for Terra because……because I could see something about her now. Something I had always ignored because it felt just like a reflection off of my self, and what my self had accumulated over years of training and honing in on my powers.
There was so much about Terra screaming 'Construction'. The essence of white, refracted into Yellow. The spirit and hunger of the Earth. Terra was a mask for something. Something that perhaps Slade knew. Something that Dagger must know all the more.
And perhaps……it was something that a very old and caring companion of mine once could see and feel. And I wish so much that I could have her counsel and power of insight now.
For as I had to slowly learn………I was never……ever built for Construction. I have been and shall always be tragically Balanced. She wanted to be there for me when I became the epitome of what potential my essence has. And I wish she was. In more ways than I can imagine.
And right now……I believe Terra needs another part of the Spectrum to balance her into tranquility. To even out the gifts that even she doesn't know she has. The gifts that I'm sensing……and that I'm dreading evil fiends leeching out of her.
Time is short. The sky grows dark. And in this dry, desert cemetery……all I can see and touch and taste is smoke and mirrors. A breath that freezes me from the metal fingers of my prosthetic all the way up my body and into my skin and bones. And if necessary……when I return Terra back to the Tower after all this……
I'll make sure that it's Terra that returns at all costs. Even if I myself can't return……
Sincerely,
Noir
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
November 18, 2004.
5:34 a.m.
Nevada.
-T-T-T-T-T-T-
I came to a stop on a high ridge.
I looked straight southwest.
In the darkness of the early morning.
My black eyes narrowed, feeling stabbed from long range as if by a hundred thousand flashing sniper rifles.
The City of Lights.
Highway Fifteen bleeding southward and running side by side with the eagerly sloping Las Vegas Boulevard. The specks of urban detritus sparkling like a cyclonic Christmas tree into the center spires of lavish casinos, strobing with electronic lightning. An oasis on fire. The nightly desert ablaze with itself.
Las Vegas……
I took a deep breath from where I stood atop the last mound of untouched nature before the inevitable plunge.
I hate Las Vegas.
It's true…..I had been there before. In earlier travels.
And I did everything I could in the day to get out.
I exhaled.
"……."
I swiveled about…..and turned left.
I headed eastward….
To the distant edges of the municipal district.
To where the casinos died off, the hotels dwindled, the dirty stores utterly disappeared, and the gas stations and tourists traps thinned away like the balding hair of a dying man.
Navigating myself around the expansive Nellis Airforce Base. Past the lonesome stretches of East Lake Mead Boulevard. Beyond Alamo Mine. And somewhere into the off-center desert oblivion.
Where a ranch awaited me. And the start of my adventure.
Shepherd Plain.
And as the eastern Sun rose….a morning reminder of a Tower glistening somewhere over the waters….
My aching mind wandered even further back than the first days of wandering, the months of training, treehouse get-togethers with Diana and other kids from the neighborhood, my family, school, the shadows of my childhood bedroom.
And I had the frightening feeling that….
There was something special about that day.
But I couldn't put my finger on it.
And I couldn't stop moving.
Balance is an ever teetering thing.