CHAPTER 13

Leah POV:

I was out on patrol. Quil had called me earlier and asked if I would take his turn. Claire was sick and she didn't want anyone but Quil. It was late, and she needed to sleep, but she wouldn't unless Quil was holding her. He was so good with her, I couldn't refuse. Besides, I really didn't have anything better to do. Embry was still very upset with me, and wouldn't talk to me. So, here I was, trotting through the woods with Jacob. We sniffed around and took a good run. Nothing much going on, as usual. I tried hard not to think about Embry because I knew how close he and Jake were. And it was hard being with Jake because all he thought about was Bella. It made me miss Embry.

"Geez, Jake! Can we at least make it PG-13?"

"Sorry, Leah. I can't help it. I still can't believe that she picked me over him, and it's hard to get her out of my head."

"You two are going a little fast, aren't you? I mean, Sam and I waited until . . . "

"You and Sam? You two . . ."

Shit! As much as I tried to hide it, scenes flashed through my mind. Sam and I, that night on the beach. I was so in love with him. We just started making out, like always. But something changed. He whispered how much he loved me over and over and I got lost in the feeling of his kisses and I let his hands roam out of control. He was so gentle with me, and loving, and it just happened.

"It was only that one time, because two days later, he phased."

"Whoa, and you think me and Bella are too hot!"

"Come on, Jacob! I never wanted anyone to see that. That's one reason I kept the anger, because then it's easier to keep those things buried. Please hide it, Jacob. Sam would kill me if everyone saw that."

"Sam must have buried that pretty deep, huh?"

"Yea, well, I guess he was being nice or something. Trying not to hurt me any more than he already he had. And I don't want Embry to see it. EVER! Got it?"

"Yea, you're right about that. It would kill Embry. I'll try to forget it. I promise."

Embry. Just his name brought back what happened between us . . . it was so awesome. I never thought sex could be like that! It was so raw, and passionate . . .

"Leah, cut it out! I never thought I would be saying that to you."

I was used to seeing this with the guys, but I'm sure they never thought they would see it with me. "Sorry, Jake. You deserve a little payback! It's just, talking about Embry made me think about what happened. He's still not talking to me, you know. My apology didn't go so well. He won't see me unless I admit that I love him. Can you believe that? He's acting like such a . . . chick!"

"Yea I know. What's up with that? I told him the same thing. This isn't like him. At all. I guess he's got it bad for you. And believe me, Leah, I know how that feels. To be in love with someone who won't admit that they love you. It sucks. Big time. When Bella was with Edward, I knew she loved me, too. I hated that she wouldn't admit it to herself. When she finally did, well . . . you know how things worked out for us. I know you like him, Leah. But do you think you could love him, and you're just scared to admit it?"

I didn't like where this conversation was going. "I don't' know, Jake. I don't want to think about it because of the whole imprinting thing. I am not going through that again. I can't."

We were down near the beach when suddenly I sensed Embry in wolf form, out running nearby. I saw flashes of what was going on in his head. . . talking with his mom, about his dad? We listened in and then I looked over at Jake. "Go ahead, check on him. Jared and Sam are on their way. They should be here in about 5."

"Thanks, Jake."

"Leah!" It was Sam. "Is Embry OK? I saw him talking with his mom about . . . him. God, that was hard. Check on him, OK?"

"Yea, on my way." I took off at a dead run to find him. I lost his thoughts, and knew he phased back to human. I ran toward the beach and phased back and dressed at the edge of the woods. I found him sitting on the sand, near the water. I walked slowly toward him, hoping he wouldn't be angry with me for coming to find him.

"Hey." I sat down beside him.

He looked over and said, "Hey, back."

"Wow, Embry. That's quite a story." He was quiet. "You OK?"

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Honestly, I don't know. I am glad Mom told me, and I feel closer to her, I guess. But I am finding myself filled with rage at this guy for knocking her up and just walking away! How the hell could he do something like that, Leah? What kind of an asshole does something like that!"

"I don't know, Embry. Sam has always been pretty pissed at him, too. But, there had to be something good about him for your mom to fall in love with him so quickly. She saw something in him, Embry. Remember that. And you and Sam are the best guys I have ever known. So, whether you think so or not, there was good in him somewhere."

He gave a short laugh and looked at me. "Who died and made you 'Little Miss Sunshine?' Where's that Leah that's pissed at the world? I think I could use her right about now."

"Oh, she's around. Is that what you want? Someone to be miserable with?" I asked. "I'm good at miserable. I have perfected it to an art."

He hung his head and thought a moment. "Nah, I guess not. I've had enough misery in my life. I'm actually pretty damn sick of it." He looked back out at the water. I followed his gaze and looked out at the moon reflecting on the water. It was really beautiful. I reached down and took his hand. I wanted so badly to take the hurt away, if only he would let me.

He squeezed my hand, but didn't take his eyes from the water. "I just wish I could tell Mom, you know? About this wolf thing. I hate that she thinks it her fault that I'm out all night, and she thinks it's a rebellion thing. I mean, at first, it was OK. I kind of liked feeling like a rebel or something. But now, now that I know how much she's been through . . . it's not fair to her."

"Didn't Sam say one time that he would talk to the elders for you and see if they would let you tell her? Ask him, Embry. And by the way, he was out tonight. He heard all of what went through your head, too. And Jake and Jared," I told him.

"Yea, when I took off running, I knew someone would hear. I just didn't care. I needed to feel that freedom," he said.

"I know that feeling!" I smiled at him. "I can't tell you how many times I phased just to feel that."

He looked over at me and said, "Stop that."

"Stop what?" I asked.

"Smiling! You come here and hold my hand, and you smile like that. You look so beautiful, all I can think about is kissing you," he said. "You know I don't want to do that right now."

"I'm sorry, Embry. You know I care about you. I was worried about you." I leaned over and kissed him. I tried to keep kissing him, but he pulled away from me.

"You care. You were worried. I see," he said. "Whatever." He shook his head and looked away.

"Stop it, Embry! I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you pouting like some whiny-ass little baby!"

I heard him sigh and he ran his hand through his hair.

That was mean. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that . . ." I started. Then I saw his face. His eyes were full of hurt and anger.

"Nope. I get it. I can't help how I feel about you, Leah. Don't you get that? I can't do this. Whatever THIS is!" He stood up and looked down at me. "Until you figure out how you really feel, Leah, leave me the hell alone!" He turned and ran down the beach.

What? Leave him alone? Is he serious? I just sat there and let the tears come. I drew my knees up under my chin and laid my head down and cried. What am I going to do? I can't win with this guy. I do care about him, don't I? I wouldn't be crying so hard if I didn't. Why can't I admit it? What is holding me back?

I had no idea how long I sat there crying when I heard someone clear their throat. I looked up, and saw Sam standing there. "You OK, Leah? What happened? Where's Embry?" He sat down beside me.

I took a deep breath and said, "He left. I talked to him and he's OK about the talk with his mom. He would like to be able to tell her about him being a werewolf though. Do you think that you could talk to the elders about that? It would make things a lot easier for the two of them." I wiped my eyes with my hands.

"Yea, sure. I've been thinking about doing that anyway." He looked at me and said slowly, "Something else happened." He put his arm around my shoulders and said softly, "Talk to me, Le-Le."

I closed my eyes. Le-Le. He hadn't called me that in a very long time. "It's . . . me and Embry. He wants more from me than I can give right now."

He was instantly angry. "I will kick his ass! He is not going to force you to have sex . . ."

"No! That's not what I meant, Sam. No. He's not pressuring me to have sex!" How can I be having this conversation with Sam? Oh God, I'm losing it! I could feel the tears coming again, so I quickly got out,"He thinks he's in love with me. And I'm afraid. Really terrified, you know? Because what if I give in and love him and he fucking imprints on someone? I can't do that again. I just can't! I can't!" I sobbed. I completely fell apart. Sam took me in his arms and held me while I cried and I clung to him.

"God, Leah. I hate this. I hate what I've done to you. Baby, don't cry. It kills me when you cry," he said softly. He ran his hand down my head and over my hair while he rocked me very gently back and forth.

I cried a little longer then lifted my head to look at him. "I'm so sorry, Sam. I feel like I'm falling apart." He looked into my eyes, and for a moment, he was my Sam again. I could see how much he still cared about me. He leaned in until our foreheads touched and he whispered, "Do you remember that night . . . here on the beach?" I nodded. "I've tried so hard to forget that, Leah, because I didn't want anyone else to see it. But, being here, with you, now . . ." He took my face in his hands, and we looked into each other's eyes. He leaned closer, our lips just touching and then something stopped him. He pulled back and closed his eyes. "God, Leah, this is so hard. I hate what happened, and I am so sorry that I hurt you, baby." He let go of my face and opened his eyes to look into mine. "But you have to let go and move on. You HAVE to! I can't help how I feel about Emily. I love her with everything I am and that's never going to change. But I still care about you, too. And if you have a shot at happiness with my brother, as much as it kills me to say this, then take it. Don't waste your life being afraid of something that might never happen."

"I think I want to. I really do," I said quietly.

"Do you have feelings for him?" he asked.

"Yea, I do. I really care about him. I think I could love him . . . if I wasn't so afraid. And I feel drawn to him, physically. I mean, when he kisses me or touches me, well, it's so intense . . . God, I'm sorry. This is so weird talking to you like this." I smiled.

"Yea, for me, too." He smiled and went on, "but Leah, you know, with this wolf thing, all of our senses are heightened. Food taste better, our hearing and vision are sharper, and well, things like kissing and touching, it's all more intense."

I nodded. "But it's more than that, really. It's almost like I crave his touch . . . just to hold my hand, or kiss me. Like I need it? Does that make sense? From the beginning, we couldn't stop kissing or touching. I mean, we barely knew each other! And when we had sex . . ." I stopped. Why did I say that?

"You and Embry? You . . . had sex?" I nodded. "You let him touch you like that . . ." He looked so angry all of a sudden. No, not angry, hurt. "God, Leah, I didn't think it had gone that far." He hung his head for a minute, and I felt awful. I shouldn't have told him that.

"Sam, I am so sorry. I shouldn't have said that," I said quickly.

He looked back up at me and said with a sad smile, "No, it's OK, I get it. I should have figured, I mean, that's another wolf thing. I've talked about that with some of the guys. After you phase, you become . . . uh, more physical, sexually. You know before I phased, I mean, you and I, we went together for a long time, and we waited for quite awhile before we. . . he looked into my eyes for a moment, again remembering, then he looked out at the water. "You had to deal with this with me and Emily. I just never thought about . . . I should have. You're a beautiful girl, Leah. You deserve to feel that, you know?"

I smiled at him. "It only happened once. And it wasn't . . . well, like what we had. It was awesome, but not romantic, you know what I mean? It was so . . . physical. I just kept pushing him, and pushing him, and he kept stopping me because he was afraid that I would regret it for some reason. He finally couldn't resist anymore, and he gave in to me. He got so pissed after because he said he loves me, and I couldn't say it back. And, he wants that, you know? I loved you, Sam, so much, but it wasn't like that with you. I mean, the physical drive. It was all emotional. I had sex with you because I loved you. Do you think that's the wolf thing? Do you think it's stronger because me and Embry are both wolves?"

"Well, that kind of makes sense, I guess. Look, the elders tell us that we imprint to preserve the pack. So far, we have had to imprint on 'outsiders' so to say, from the pack because there weren't any female wolves, right? We've never had a female wolf, but now that we do, what if, to preserve the pack, you don't imprint on an outsider, but you are 'drawn' as you say, to another wolf in the pack and instead of imprinting on a girl outside of the pack, he is drawn to you?"

I just stared at him. I finally got out, "What? Are you serious?" I was stunned!

"I don't know, it's just a theory. I mean, you freaked the elders out when you phased! No one knows anything about female wolves, because there have never been any, so I don't know. But it makes sense somehow, don't you think? I could ask the elders, I guess," he offered.

Wow! Could it be true? "Uh, yea! Wow, I guess I never thought of it that way. I've been so freaked out at the way I've been behaving. It's not me at all, Sam. I've been feeling like such a slut. It's like it's all I think about!"

"Come on, Leah. I'm trying really hard not to be jealous of my little brother. You're not helping! I can see I'm going to have to stay away from you two in wolf form," he said gruffly. "I really don't need that in my head."

"Sam, I'm sorry, but now you have some idea how it was for me when I phased and I would see what's in your mind, you know with Emily." I closed my eyes for a moment. "It was horrible." He started to say he was sorry, again, but I stopped him. "Look, we both have to stop with the 'I'm sorrys.' OK? What happened, happened. There is nothing that you or I could do to stop it. I have finally accepted that."

I put my head in my hands. Sam put his arm around my shoulders and said, "It's OK, Leah. This wolf thing is hard enough for us guys. I can't imagine what it must be like for you. I felt so bad when you first phased and you wouldn't let me help you. It broke my heart all over again, Leah. I tried to find out how you were doing through Seth. He wasn't too friendly either. I miss both of you, you know. He's finally coming around a little, maybe because of Embry, I don't know."

I smiled and said, "You should have seen him the first night Embry kissed me. Seth caught us out by Embry's truck and he punched Embry right in the eye! Threw him back against the truck! I was pretty proud of him. He was defending my honor, I guess."

Sam laughed at that. "I always knew I liked that kid." He got quiet again. He still had his arm around my shoulder, and it felt comfortable. "How are you doing now? With this wolf thing, I mean. Are you and Seth OK?"

"Yea, I think we've settled into it alright," I answered. "Seth loves it!" I added with a smile. He nodded. "Look, Sam, there's something else. Embry is your brother, and he is very happy about that. He is amazed that you accepted him so easily as family. I don't want you and me to come between you and Embry, OK?"

He smiled and said, "Oh yea, Leah, me and Embry, we're good. Like I said, I might be a little jealous of the guy, but, no, I want him, and you, to be happy. You know, it makes me happy, too. I like having a brother. And Embry, well, he's cool, you know? Yea, of course you do," he laughed.

I looked into his eyes, and I believed him. He really did love Embry. "That's good. But, there's another thing. What we had is in the past. I know that. And you know that. But, well, Embry doesn't know that we . . . "I hung my head and sighed, then said, "he thinks I was a virgin. I was kind of shocked when he said something, and I didn't know how to tell him otherwise. He doesn't know that we made love, here on the beach. Can you please hide that memory from him? I know I have to tell him, and I want to. I just don't want him to 'see' it before I can tell him."

"Whoa, Leah. Why did he think you were a virgin? I mean, we went together for a long time, and we loved each other. I mean . . ."

"Yea, but, maybe it's because . . . um, he was?" His eyes grew huge and he said, "What? Embry was a . . . no fucking way! He's been with tons of girls!"

"Yea, 43 to be exact. We had that conversation! But he said, even though he had the chance, he never took it. He said that something always held him back. Yea, that made me feel great." I looked down and picked up a rock out of the sand and played with it.

"Wow, Leah. I didn't get that at all. Huh, I'll be damned!" He shook his head in amazement.

I threw the rock toward the water then turned to look at Sam and say, "Well, this has turned into a very weird conversation." I gave a short laugh and shook my head. "Who would have thought things would turn out like this for us? You with my cousin, and me with your brother?"

He laughed and said, "And both of us turning into wolves! All of this is so fucking weird!" He put his head down for a moment in thought. Then he looked at me and pulled me close to him and said, "What we had was very special, Leah, and I'll never forget it. But I want you to have what I have with Emily. Don't be afraid, Le-Le. Love is worth it."

I let him hold me for a short while. I pulled back and said, "Thank you, Sam. Thank you for talking to me. I think it really helped. Closure, you know?"

He smiled, "Yea. I know. For me, too." He leaned in and put a very soft, gentle kiss on my lips. "Come on," he said as he stood up and held his hand out to help me up. "I gotta get home, and so do you."

We walked down the beach to the trail to my house in silence. We had said what needed to be said, and frankly, I was exhausted. We stopped and he said, "So, my brother. You had to pick my brother." I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders. He smiled and shook his head. "See ya, Leah."

"Bye, Sam."

I smiled as he jogged away.