Man of Conscience
As always, BOLD is the character, ITALIC is the conscience.
Divorce
Oh my god what in the Hell were you thinking?
Great, now you show up. Where were you when I needed you?
On a sabbatical.
On a sabbatical? Why would a conscience need a sabbatical?
It was a combination of things. First, there was Jess. I couldn't handle it, had to call in some experts.
Ahh, so that explains the weird voices in my head. They sucked, by the way. I failed him.
That's outsourcing for you. Sorry.
Sorry doesn't help me get divorced.
Here's how you get divorced: you take the damn papers, sign them and send them off. Under no circumstances do you talk to Nicole again, do you hear?
I kinda got to talk to her again before I sign, I need to make sure all the paperwork is in order.
That's the last thing you need to do. Let me talk you through the logic. Nicole doesn't want to get divorced, right?
I gathered that, yes.
Nicole's a skilled negotiator, right? She knows how to get what she wants, right?
Uh, yeah. That's kinda how we got married. She kept asking questions that it was easy to say yes to, then suddenly I had said yes to getting married.
You're suggesting that you take papers to the one person who doesn't want to get divorced and ask if they are ready to send off, which will result in her getting divorced, right? What do you think her answer is going to be?
Oh I see your point. Guess I'd better ask a different lawyer. Hey, at least this time I talked to Lorelai about us before I went on the cruise.
Talked to her?! Do you really think that was talking to her?
You don't have to screech. Geez.
You said, and I quote, "Really? You think that's okay considering . . . I don't know . . . everything?" Lorelai has guys hitting on her all the time. They are direct, they say what they mean. She doesn't really pick up on subtle. Did you really expect her to interpret your words as "I want to kiss you and hug you and love you and take care of you for ever and ever and not just as friends, but as that very special love relationship that can only grow when you have been best friends before." Did you really think that?
Kinda, yeah. I hoped so.
I've gotta apply for another sabbatical.
Hey, you mentioned a combination of things. What were the other things?
I um, kinda had to be retrained because of my poor performance with you.
What did you learn?
Mostly they just showed me how other consciences worked. Once they put me inside Lorelai's head.
Wow, I bet that was interesting. What happened?
Sorry, Conscience-Client privilege. Can't talk about it.
I'm the client, dammit! You're my conscience, not hers. C'mon, tell me. I need all the help I can get here.
Well, I can at least say this: what do you know about monkeys and underpants? Hockey pucks? Rattlesnakes?