I am a bad updater and I'm sorry. But that's not going to change any time soon so I want to thank all of you so much for you wonderful comments and support and endless patience. Also many thanks to those who've recently joined us and favourited and followed, you make me very happy! I'll try and update quickly but my classes started in three days and this semester is going to be full on so don't hold your breath.

This chapter is sad. I'm not sorry though because it's necessary. Also don't kill me for the ending. I ended it there for two reasons: I'm in love with the last line (if I do compliment my own talent :P) and also Dean needs a shit-ton of introspection that I didn't want to follow Castiel's little segment. Dean and Cas are so different to write as that I didn't want to jump from Cas's smooth logical approach to Dean overthinking everything, I felt it wouldn't flow properly so Christmas is now in two parts.

Merry belated Christmas and enjoy!

Christmas snuck up on Dean while he wasn't expecting it. One day he wasn't thinking about anything but finishing his last assignments before the break started and the next Christmas carols were blasting out of speakers everywhere he went and garlands were strung up on every shop front in town. And Sam was asking him to take him to Kansas City to go Christmas shopping. Dean took him one weekend and spent most of the day frowning because he didn't know what to get for anybody.

Sam was easy, he'd been buying a few little things over the course of the year whenever he thought of something his brother would like. Bobby was easy to buy for and he supposed Gabriel and Anna would be too. But as for Michael, Lucifer and Cas, he just didn't know.

"We're still having dinner with the others right?" Sam asked at one point. Dean nodded absently as he examined an old record collection. Cas had a record player. Maybe he'd like some vinyl?

"Why?" Dean wondered.

"I want to okay my present for Cas with Michael," Sam shrugged, looking worried. Dean frowned at him.

"I'm sure whatever you got him will be great, Sammy. At least you knew what to get him. I'm stumped."

"I can't help you with that but I can help with Michael and Luce?" Sam offered. "We can get them a joint present because I know what they'd love."

"Yeah?"

Sam nodded, smiling eagerly and Dean allowed himself to be led off in search of this gift idea Sam had been concocting.

It bothered Dean that he hadn't gotten a present for Cas, insomuch that he was so quiet thinking about it that everybody noticed at dinner that night. Gabriel asked if he was okay and he nodded, not truly paying attention. He wondered if he should just ask Cas what he'd like but he realised that would be difficult since he'd been a little weird with Dean lately, staring at him more than usual and not responding to him the way he usually did.

When dinner was finished Sam sat with Dean, Michael and Gabriel to show them Cas's Christmas present.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay with it," Sam explained.

"Whatever it is, I'm sure I won't be put off," Michael smiled. "So what did you get him?"

"Cas gets frustrated when he can't communicate what he wants right?" Sam questioned. Michael and Dean both nodded. "I did some reading of my own and found an article about how some therapists have given their patients computers to speak for them or flash cards or something to write what they want."

"Castiel's problem is more with words than speaking in general," Michael noted. "He seems afraid of giving us his exact thoughts."

"I thought so," Sam nodded. "It makes sense with his fear of being touched. So I went and got these."

Dean's heart swelled with warmth and love for his little brother when Sam produced a large stack of professional picture cards that contained everything Cas could possibly need in times when he had trouble communicating what he wanted. It wasn't often – his siblings had become very used to reading his wordless desires – but sometimes he couldn't get his point across and that was when he started to get annoyed and upset with himself for not speaking and making it easier on everybody.

"Sam... thank you," Michael said softly. "This is a most thoughtful gift."

Sam smiled proudly and Dean ruffled his hair affectionately. Michael flicked through the cards and then looked back up at Sam with a warm smile.

"I think they will make an excellent present," Michael nodded. "Make sure you explain why you thought he might like them though."

"Don't be offended if he doesn't use them right away kiddo," Gabriel warned. "It might offend him at first until he realises you just want to make things easier for him."

Sam nodded but he was grinning and seemed excited for Christmas. Sam wanted to wrap his gifts so Gabriel went off to help leaving Dean and Michael in the study.

"You seem distracted," Michael stated promptly.

"I hate Christmas shopping," Dean shrugged. "I like Christmas and the whole present thing but I'm not like Sam, I don't immediately know what to get for people."

Michael eyed him. "You're having trouble thinking of a gift for Castiel and are annoyed Sam was able to."

"Stop doing that, it's weird how well you know me."

Michael laughed. "Dean, Castiel adores you, whether you get him something incredible for Christmas or if you just do something nice, he will be happy."

Dean frowned and looked away from Michael.

"Is something else the matter?"

"Cas is avoiding me."

"Is he?" Michael looked confused when Dean glanced at him.

"Not normal avoiding, he's just being different with me in a way that feels the same as avoidance does when other people do it," Dean explained then scowled because his explanation was lacking. Michael seemed to understand though. "Do you think he's still afraid of me because I hit Raphael?"

"I don't think so. He still allows you to touch him, he wouldn't if you frightened him."

"Then why's he being weird?"

Michael was thoughtfully silent for a little while. "Castiel loves Christmas. A tremendous amount. And he has been secretive with all of us. He's probably just working on your gift."

Dean felt a knot of tension ease slightly in his stomach. "You think so?"

"It's most likely."

They both fell silent the soft sounds of the piano in the den started up, drifting through to them. Dean smiled and stood automatically. He missed Michael's smile and slight eye-roll as he left the study to go to Cas.

Christmas was drawing ever closer and by the time school let out for the winter break Dean still didn't have any idea what he should get Cas for Christmas. Which really sucked because it was Cas's favourite holiday and Dean wanted to see him smile because of the amazing gift he was given from his first friend.

So it was that night, after the trip to see Dr Albert that Dean decided to just cut his losses and ask. They were in the mall – Lucifer and Michael wanted to do late night shopping for some last gifts – and Dean and Cas were wandering, Cas happily sipping at a milkshake, barely shaken after his visit with the psychologist. He was getting so much better. He hadn't even cried when Dr Albert wanted to perform reflex and core strength tests – though he had nearly broken Dean's fingers squeezing his hand.

Dean glanced down at him as they stopped in front of one of the display windows showing mechanical elves working in Santa's toy shop. Cas pressed a hand to the glass, eyes lit up with awe.

"You really love Christmas, huh buddy?" Dean wondered. Cas looked up at him, blue blue eyes shining with delight as he nodded enthusiastically. He grabbed Dean's hand and pulled him along to another display window, this one showing the nativity. It was the most beautiful of all the display windows, fake stars shimmering and the angel Gabriel hovering over the stables. Dean took out his phone and snapped a picture to send to Gabriel with the text: Is this your night job?

The response was almost instantaneous: Screw you Winchester!

Cas was staring at the display with open adoration.

"Why's this your favourite?" Dean asked softly, not expecting an answer. Cas squeezed his hand though so he looked at him. Cas pointed at the angel and Dean smiled sadly. "My mum used to tell me angels were watching over me. You like angels, huh?"

Cas nodded and squeezed Dean's hand again. Dean squeezed back softly and looked back at the display. Cas didn't seemed like he wanted to move anytime soon so Dean decided to ask now.

"What would you like for Christmas, Cas? I want to get you something special so why don't..." Dean glanced at Cas to find he was watching Dean with wide eyes. He smiled shyly and tugged Dean's hand. "What?"

Cas let go over Dean's hand and pressed his to Dean's chest instead, right over his heart. Dean frowned. Usually he could read whatever Cas was trying to say but he was a little lost right now.

"Why don't you show me what you want?" he suggested.

Cas studied him for a moment and – Dean was not expecting his next actions and thus had no time to stop him – stood on his toes to press his mouth to Dean's. He froze in place, eyes wide open unable to process anything past the feeling of Cas's soft lips against his. His heart had skipped several beats and was now racing by the time he gathered himself enough to gently push Cas away.

The boy blinked, staring at him in surprise.

"Cas..." Dean began pained and winced when hurt and betrayal seeped into Cas's expression, his cheeks flushing deep red in embarrassment as he dropped his gaze to his shoes. "Cas, that's... I don't..."

Cas remained where he was for two seconds before turning and running off.

Dean swore lowly and chased after him but lost him amongst the crowds hurrying to do their Christmas shopping. He climbed into a table in the food court to look around but was only demanded by security to get down.

His shock over Cas's actions was now being overridden by worry and fear. What if something happened to him?

Dean fumbled with his phone to call Michael. He and Lucifer were going to murder him. No, they were going to torture him slowly before they even thought of letting him off easy with death. His hands were shaking terribly but he managed to dial properly and raised the phone to his ear.

"Dean, hi, we're just coming out of Macy's now, do you want to meet us there?" Michael said.

"Uh... Look... I um..." Dean took a shuddering breath and he practically heard Michael stiffen.

"What?" he demanded sharply.

"Cas ran off. I don't know where he is and I can't find him," Dean burst out quickly and squeezed his eyes shut. Michael was deathly silent on the other end of the phone.

"Where were you when he ran away?" Michael asked instead of the question Dean was dreading.

"At the window displays. The nativity scene. He went towards the food court and that's where I lost him."

"Right, he probably headed towards the music store if he went that way," Michael said briskly. "I'll check there. Lucifer will check the pet store and you check the book store. Those are his three favourites. If he's upset, that's where he'll be."

Michael hung up then without another word and Dean sighed deeply. They'd never trust him with Cas again. Hell, Dean would never trust himself. Sam was right. Jesus, why was Sam always right?

Never mind that now. He could panic about Cas's crush and what to do about it once they found him and got him home – if Lucifer didn't kill Dean before they got there.

As it turned out Cas was in none of those places and Dean began to feel sick. Between the three of them they ended up checking half the stores in half an hour before Michael determined they would need help. Dean met the twins by the entrance where they'd alerted security and were talking to several guards.

"Do not, and I cannot emphasise this enough, do not touch him," Michael was saying, eyes narrowed. "Even if he is crying or tries to run away do not lay a hand on him, it will make the situation worse. No loud noises. Don't shout. Just use his name and tell him I am looking for him and that you will bring him to me."

"Alright, Mr Novak," one of the guards agreed. "We'll let you know if we find anything."

Dean reached the twins as the guards dispersed and Lucifer noticed him first, expression darkening quickly.

"What did you do to him?" he demanded.

"Nothing... Well, I..." Dean looked away, cheeks heating up as the feel of Cas's lips on his jumped into his mind. "Misunderstanding..."

"A misunderstanding?!"

"Lucifer, stop it," Michael snapped. He was shredding several paper receipts in his hand without noticing. Dean hoped they didn't need to return anything later. "You're not helping. Dean has never hurt Cas. I believe him but... why would he run from you?"

Michael looked lost and desperate as he turned his eyes to Dean.

"I-"

"Mr Novak!"

They looked around and saw two guards leading a shaken and upset Cas towards them.

"Cassie!" Lucifer burst out, rushing over. He dropped to his knees in front of his brother, Michael and Dean rushing over to stand behind him. Lucifer was looking Cas up and down anxiously. "God, you scared me half to death."

Michael dropped to his knees too and reached shaking hands towards Cas.

"Can I hug you, Castiel?" Michael asked in whisper. Cas raised his eyes for half a second before falling into Michael's arms and hugging him tightly. Michael looked shocked before a few tears ran from his eyes and he hugged Cas back, arms tight around him. "You scared me so much, little one. I'm so happy you're safe." He was rocking Cas gently and Dean had to look away.

Lucifer stood and was thanking the guards.

"He was in the underground carpark," one of them explained. "Hiding behind the trolley bay. Once we told him you were looking he suddenly looked guilty and came pretty easily."

"He's a good kid," Lucifer agreed. "He doesn't like to be trouble. Thank you, so much. You have no idea-"

"All part of the job. You have a good Christmas."

The guards left and Lucifer reached down to Michael's shoulder.

"Let's go home," he suggested quietly.

Michael nodded and stood, letting Cas go. Cas took Michael's hand though and clung to his side, avoiding even looking at Dean who felt sick again, a hot churning in his gut that drowned the relief of seeing Cas unharmed.

"Cas," he tried but the boy turned his face into Michael's jacket. Michael frowned worriedly but didn't say anything as they left. Nobody spoke at all on the way home and when they dropped Dean off at his house he slumped into the kitchen, pondering the possibilities of making himself forget the entire night when he stopped.

"Dad?" he asked in shock.

John looked up from his newspaper and smiled.

"Sam told me you were out. How was your night?" he asked.

"Uh..." Dean didn't want to admit what had happened to himself, let alone his father. "Good... I'm going... bed... is..."

John frowned at Dean. "You're making no sense."

"Will you come for Christmas lunch with us at the Novaks'?" Dean asked and then frowned. Would he even still be here at Christmas?

"Of course. So long as it's not as eventful as Thanksgiving."

"You know about that?"

"Bobby told me. You seemed tired. I think you should go to bed."

Dean nodded absently, gave his dad one last surprised look and headed upstairs. He went to Sam's room and opened the door slightly to peek in. Sam was up, texting and he looked up when Dean opened the door fully.

"Hey, did you finally get something for Cas?" Sam wondered.

Dean let out a deep sigh and shut the door of Sam's room before leaning on it.

Sam looked worried. "Did something happen?"

"You were right." Dean slumped onto the floor and barely noticed as Sam got out of bed to join him. "Cas... Uh... well he kind of..." Dean motioned towards his face.

Sam stared, uncomprehending.

"He kissed me. And... I didn't..."

"Dean, what did you do?"

"I pushed him away. What else was I supposed to do?" Dean wondered, weaving his hands into his hair and pulling sharply, the sting a welcome distraction from the churning in his stomach. He wondered if he might actually throw up. "Then he ran off and it took us forty minutes to find him and it wasn't even us who found him and I think Luci is going to kill me and Michael's disappointed which is worse than him being angry even if he won't say anything and I-"

"Dean, stop, take a breath!" Sam protested, gently easing Dean's hands from his hair. "Cas is okay right?"

"Yes but he won't talk to me. Or look at me. Or acknowledge my existence. I missed the signs. I should have listened to you." He dropped his head onto Sam's shoulder.

"Well... do you feel the same?" Sam wondered.

Dean's head snapped back up and he stared at Sam. "I like girls."

"So?" Sam asked. "I like girls. But I like boys too. There's nothing wrong with that."

Dean knew in the morning he would properly process the fact that his brother just came out to him but right now he was more preoccupied with his own life.

"That's doesn't mean I do. Cas is... well... it would be wrong. And he doesn't actually have feelings for me. He just thinks he does."

"How is it wrong? How does he not actually like you?" Sam demanded.

"Because he's-"

"Autistic? So? You're the one always pointing out that Cas is just like us. So why can't he have feelings for you?" Sam asked. "He can have feelings just like we can and you're being just like everyone else if you say that he can't."

"But, he's-"

Sam's eyes narrowed dangerously and he stood up. He folded his arms defiantly and pointed to the door.

"Until you realise that and accept it then go. I won't give you advice if you're going to be a dick just like Alastair and his dick friends."

Dean stood up slowly, shocked at Sam's behaviour and his words. His little brother just compared him to Alastair. He stumbled into his own room, unable to stop hearing those words and seeing Cas's expression before he ran off and feeling his mouth on Dean's.

Was he really just like everyone else?

"Castiel..." Michael watched Cas moving around his room. He became very concerned when Cas paused by his bed, staring at Dean's leather jacket. Michael went to move towards him when Cas grabbed the jacket and threw it across the room where it landed by the wall in a heap before he made a tiny sound of pain and dropped onto the floor, hands on his face.

"Castiel!" Michael moved over to him, kneeling down and putting his hand on Cas's knee, still amazing he was allowed to do so now after so long without it. "I can't help if I don't know what's wrong."

Castiel shook his head and pushed Michael's hand away. He tried not to let it hurt but it did. He had no idea what had happened since neither Dean nor Cas was letting him know and so he felt lost and a little helpless.

"Do you want me to leave you alone?" Michael asked with a soft sigh. Cas hesitated before nodding and so the eldest Novak stood and left, shutting the door quietly behind him but not before he heard Cas let out a quiet sob. It was heartbreaking.

"Well?" Lucifer demanded.

"I don't know. He's crying." Michael rubbed his eyes. He was beginning to wish for a drink but then he shook his head. No, he was supposed to be getting better, not wanting one every time things began to go wrong. Hot chocolate would do instead. That sounded good.

"I'll kill him," Lucifer was snarling as Michael began to move absently towards the stairs and down them.

"We don't know that he did anything," Michael tried. He couldn't believe that Dean, kind, compassionate Dean, would ever do anything to hurt Castiel.

"Why else would he be crying? I saw him throw Dean's jacket too, Michael. I'll strangle him."

"Lucifer, stop it!" Michael snapped. "Maybe they just fought. Friends fight."

"He would have said," Lucifer disagreed.

Michael half smiled as they reached the kitchen. He turned and pulled his twin into a hug, surprising him and letting go before he had time to return the embrace.

"What was that for?" Lucifer asked, suddenly not quite as murderous.

"Because I couldn't do this without you. Even if you are overprotective and hot headed."

Lucifer rolled his eyes but he was smiling.

"So what do we do about this, oh calm and wise brother of mine?" Lucifer asked.

"Well... I think we should wait and see if they resolve it. If Castiel's behaviour remains affected for much longer then we'll step in. It's almost Christmas. He's always in his best mood at Christmas. Perhaps they will fix it then."

Lucifer frowned, clearly not in agreement but he didn't argue so Michael knew he'd go along with it, at least for now.

Castiel was awoken on his favourite day of the year by the typical sound of Gabriel singing carols at the top of his lungs to announce the arrival of their family. But today Castiel did not feel excited and pleased. He just felt empty.

He looked over to where Dean's jacket was still lying on the floor and felt a stab of pain in his chest. He burrowed into his covers as his eyes burned. He didn't want to cry again. He'd cried a lot since Dean had pushed him away.

Dean never pushed him away.

Why had he then?

Castiel was sure Dean was filled to the brim with the same warmth and light that Castiel was around him. But he's just looked...

He'd looked the way everybody else does when they look at Castiel.

He hated that look.

He'd thought Dean was different to everyone else. He must have been wrong.

It wasn't long before Gabriel came up to find him. He looked sad.

"Come on, Cassie, it's breakfast time. Waffles and pancakes and fruit," Gabriel coaxed. "Then presents."

Castiel shook his head and pulled the covers over it. Dean and Sam and their uncle and father were coming after breakfast to open presents and have lunch.

Castiel didn't want to look at Dean. It was just hurt. All the warmth that made him so happy was turned dark and sick. It just made him sad. He didn't want to be sad.

"Please, Cassie," Gabriel begged, voice closer now though it was softer because of the blankets. Castiel refused to move. Even when Balthazar and Michael came up once Gabriel left. They left too because he wouldn't move.

Castiel only wanted Dean but he couldn't have him.

And he didn't want Christmas without Dean.

Next time: Dean's torn - he doesn't know his own heart well enough to respond to Cas with a clear answer but he doesn't want to be like everyone else. How the hell do people know whether they have feelings for someone anyway? What does that even feel like? He doesn't know but he'd really like for someone to tell him. I know just the person.