Oh my god, I'm updating soon. It's a miracle. It's also that I didn't like leaving things on a sad note so... There's a better ending for this one - which I will chat more about in the end chapter notes to give you guys a note on what I was seeing the last scene as in case it confuses or concerns anybody. So see you at the end of the chapter!

Also big shout out to YJ-Lover who came up with the idea for Dean's Christmas present for Cas :)

On Christmas Eve Dean decided he couln't take Sam's disapproving looks any longer and he slipped out of the house and went to the Roadhouse. He nodded at Ellen at the bar and looked around. Jo was serving meals to several men with a warm smile and Dean waited until she looked up to get her attention. Jo gave him a curious look but moved over to join him when he snagged a corner table. Jo has been his best friend for a very long time, if anybody can help him with this it's her.

He's been thinking a lot in the last few days. Unable to put his mind on anything that wasn't Cas and how he had kissed Dean. He was filled with anxiety and guilt and confusion and he hadn't been able to eat a proper meal since Friday.

Jo sat down opposite Dean and looked him over.

"You look like shit, Dean," are the first words out of her mouth. Dean gave her a dry look. "Well, sorry, but it's true. What happened?"

Dean pulled a serviette closer to him and began to tear the edges. Jo watched him with a worried look on her face but she didn't press. Dean had come to see her, he would get it out in his own time. She was good like that, always patient with him when he was being emotionally stupid and repressed.

"Can I guess?" she eventually asked when she deemed Dean had been silent too long. Dean glanced up at her. She wouldn't guess right so he shrugged. "You found out about Cas's crush, right?"

Dean's head snapped up too fast and he cricked his neck. He rubbed the spot tenderly as he stared at Jo. The churning in his stomach was back.

"Did everyone know but me?" he demanded.

"We – well me, Ash and Sam – suspected," Jo shrugged. "The kid looks at you like you hang the moon and stars, Dean. You protect him and coddle him so it was only a matter of time before he developed a crush on you."

"I don't coddle him," Dean grumbled, cheeks heating a little.

"Uh, actually you do." Jo smiled. "It's not a bad thing. People have treated Cas like shit in the past, he deserves somebody to be overprotective and indulgent. So, why don't you tell me exactly what happened?"

Dean covered his eyes with his head and relayed the story under his breath, cringing as he did so. When he finished it took him a while to feel brave enough to look at Jo but there was no condemnation on her face. There was a tinge of disappointment but mostly it was sympathy. Dean didn't like either but it was better than he was getting from his brother right now.

"What should I do?" Dean asked.

"I can't decide that for you." Jo raised an eyebrow at him and drummed her fingers on the table top, nails clacking as she thought for a moment. "So, you have feelings for him?"

"Why do people keep asking me that?" Dean demanded. "I like girls. You know, people with boobs who identify as female!"

Jo gave him a scathing look that very much mirrored the one Ellen gave him when he was being petulant and Dean shrank in his seat, realising he was yelling at Jo for no reason. Man he was messed up right now.

"You wouldn't be here, looking devastated and angry and confused all at once if you had absolutely no feelings for Cas," Jo told him calmly.

Dean groaned and thunked his head on the table. "I don't know! How the hell does anybody know something like that? Cas is my friend. And more than that he relies on me in a way nobody else does. Wouldn't it be wrong?"

"I don't think so." Jo sounded thoughtful and Dean turned his head so he could watch her from the corner of his eye. She was chewing her lip as she stared into the middle distance. She returned her attention to Dean after several moments. "I think, if you went into it knowing that Cas is your equal and that he can take care of himself and, most importantly, you respect him as an equal to make his own decisions then it's not taking advantage. Taking advantage would be if you didn't feel the same and used his feelings and dependency on you to make him do things."

Dean frowned. That sounded better than what he was thinking.

"As for your other questions, I can't help you. Only you can... and I think Cas could. He clearly knows how he feels about you, maybe he's the one you should be asking these things of. Only Cas can tell you what he wants and whether that lines up with what you want."

Dean groaned.

"Okay, can I ask you some questions? Will you answer honestly?"

Dean glared at his best friend. "Do I have a choice?"

The look she gave him was answer enough so he sighed in resignation.

"When you're with Cas, does it feel like when you're with me?" Jo wondered. Dean didn't answer right away so she went on. "Or Sam? Or Cas's family? How about when you're with those girls you're always hooking up with? Which one is it closest to?"

Dean raised his head.

None of them was the first answer that came to his mind followed swiftly but all of them. Dean was staring down at the table and Jo stood up.

"I have to keep working," she told Dean. "But you need to think about that and then go see Cas. You need to talk to him, okay? Even if it turns out you don't feel the same, he deserves to know you'll still be his friend and you're not invalidating his feelings."

Dean nodded and Jo walked off. He both loved and hated her in that moment. She'd given him a lot to think about which was confusing him even more but would possibly help him figure things out in the long run.

First things first, he had to accept the fact that Cas had kissed him in response to Dean asking what he wanted for Christmas. That was a pretty clear answer no matter what he might refuse to believe. And that meant Cas had feelings for him. That was probably the second scariest thing about this.

The scariest was that Dean wasn't sure whether or not he returned those feelings.

Feelings were hard for him. Sam was the only person Dean could tell he loved but even then it wasn't often. Feelings gave people the power to hurt you. They could leave – whether they wanted to or not – and they can use those feelings against you. Dean knew Cas would never do the latter but who knew whether or not they'd always be around each other. It was just easier to not think about it because then it didn't hurt.

But the fact that it did, the fact that Dean hated thinking about not having Cas around, wasn't that proof enough that there was something there?

But... Dean had only ever liked girls.

...Okay that wasn't entirely true. But this is Kansas. Anytime Dean found his eyes straying past soft curves to hard muscles he drank until he was wasted and found a warm, female body to remind himself that he was straight. But looking meant nothing, didn't it? Didn't it just mean he could appreciate the human body in all its forms? It didn't have to mean he was bisexual. Did it?

How he felt around Cas though... that was something he couldn't wrap his mind around. He felt like he did for Sam – happy, fiercely protective, loyal, it was easy; with his friends – it was fun, he felt safe; but it doesn't feel like it does with the girls he hooks up with, at least not for the most part. With those girls Dean just wants to get off, there's no connection. But sometimes there are moments when he looks at Cas's eyes-

Dean frowned and thought back to Rosie and remembered how fixated he'd been on her eyes. Hell it had been that way with the other girls he'd felt mildly interested in but hadn't pursued in the last few months. They had all had bright blue eyes, not quite as blue as Cas's but close enough. Could that be a coincidence? He'd never had a particular preference for eye colour before now.

This was so hard.

How the hell does somebody tell when they have feelings for somebody?

There was one thing Dean knew for sure: he hated Cas not speaking to him. So no matter what that signified he needed to fix it.

But how?

Sam was feeling nervous about taking Dad to meet the Novaks. He'd already met Michael and Cas of course but Sam had no idea how his dad felt about the people who looked after him while he was away and hardly came home. He supposed it didn't matter because they were great and anybody would love them but still... he didn't want John to dislike them in case he stopped Sam and Dean from staying with them.

He was being silly he knew but Dean wasn't with them and he was worried that Dean's stubbornness would just hurt himself and Cas more so that was wearing on him and making him more prone to ridiculous thoughts.

Lucifer answered the door when they arrived, looking pleased to see Sam. Sam submitted to Luci's hug and smiled into his shoulder. Lucifer was really good at hugging and his hugs always made Sam feel better.

"Dean didn't come?" Lucifer questioned when he released Sam.

"He wouldn't leave his room," Sam sighed softly. Lucifer nodded sadly.

"Neither would Cassie." He allowed himself one more moment of sadness before smiling at John. "And you must be Dean and Sam's father. I'm Lucifer Novak, if my name makes you uncomfortable feel free to call me Luci. Everyone but my twin does."

John smiled. "It's good to meet you. I gotta thank you for looking after my boys."

Lucifer's lips pressed together for a moment – Sam knew he and Michael disapproved of John's absence from their lives – but it passed too quickly for John to notice and he invited them into the house and sent them towards the living room where present exchanges were about to begin.

"Luce... can I go give Cas his present?" Sam asked quietly. "I'll be back down soon but I just want him to get it now."

Lucifer hesitated a moment and then nodded. "He won't talk to any of us so you're very welcome to try."

Sam smiled and passed Lucifer the bag containing the other presents before heading upstairs and to Cas's room. Sam knocked quietly before going in.

"Cas, it's Sam," he said gently. "Do you mind if I come over there? I realise you want to be alone but I have your present... I'd like to give it to you."

He waited halfway across the room, deciding that if Cas didn't respond he'd leave the gift on his desk and go downstairs. He let out a breath after several moments of nothing from the lump under the covers that had to be the youngest Novak. He moved to deposit the wrapped box on Cas's desk when he shifted. Sam waited and Cas rolled over beneath his covers and peered out from the top, only his eyes and mussed hair visible.

Sam smiled brightly at him and moved closer. Cas didn't object so he went to the bed and sat on the edge. His heart panged when he noticed Dean's jacket across the room in a heap.

"Oh Cas... I'm sorry," Sam sighed. "Dean told me what happened."

The covers were pulled up over Cas's head then but Sam persevered, Cas needed to hear this.

"Dean's... well, he's emotionally constipated," Sam stated. "He reacted so badly but... you need to understand that he's confused. He didn't listen when I told him that I thought you might like him so he wasn't expecting you to kiss him. I know he's being a dick but... you need to give him some time, okay? He has trouble acknowledging his feelings and even when he can, he then has trouble expressing them. Kind of like you have trouble expressing what you want to say."

The covers moved again and Cas's eyes were visible, wide as they looked up at Sam.

"I know you have trouble with words... so I was thinking you'd like this." Sam pushed the present towards Cas. "They might even help you have this conversation with Dean that you need to have. Just... make sure you give him some time. Everything will be okay, Dean just needs some help to get there. You and I can give that to him. Right?"

Cas studied Sam for a moment and then nodded before reaching out and curling his hands around the present.

"You open that and then come downstairs with the rest of us. Dean's not here so you don't need to worry about seeing him. But I'd like to spend Christmas with you."

Sam smiled down at Cas again, patted his hand after a moment of hesitation and left, hoping Cas would come down later.

He sat with Gabriel when he returned downstairs, trying not to be too obvious with his dad in the room but he knew he was blushing when Gabriel put his arm around him and pulled him closer to his side.

Lucifer was their self-appointed Santa and Sam laughed when he entered the room wearing a Santa suit and carrying a sack with all the presents in it. He had only given out three presents when they heard steps and Cas appeared in the entrance.

"Cassie!" Balthazar said. He jumped up and made to move over but Rachel grabbed his hand, shaking her head. Balthazar looked disappointed but sat back down. Sam understood, they didn't want to frighten Cas away when he'd only hesitantly made an appearance.

He went over to Michael and sat nestled into his brother's side. Michael looked down at him sadly, unable to even be slightly glad that Cas was comfortable being in contact with him when he was this upset. Sam, however, couldn't stop the smile growing on his face when he noticed Cas was clutching the pack of flash cards Sam had given him.

Lucifer continued his gift presentation, exaggerating it whenever he came to Cas but it had little effect on his younger brother. Sam really wished Dean was there when Michael and Lucifer received their gift of assorted items: Death Star cookie jar (for Lucifer and his Star Wars obsession), skull-shaped cake pan (for Michael and his Halloween obsession) and chocolate taco dessert kit (because everyone in the Novak household loved dessert and Lucifer loved Mexican food).

"I dunno Sam, won't it be weird eating cake shaped like a skull?" Anna questioned as Michael held up the tin, grinning evilly.

"I love it," Michael responded.

"We can hollow out the top and put jelly in for brains!" Lucifer cackled and Michael's eyes lit up as he nodded in agreement.

Sam flushed happily, glad they'd like the ideas. He'd found the items online and thought they would be perfect for the twins who enjoyed using the kitchen as a stress relief.

Lucifer was getting up, locating the next gift when they heard the faint sound of knocking from the front door. Everyone looked at each other with frowns.

"Who'd be calling on Christmas?" Hester wondered curiously.

"I'll check," Gabriel assured them all. "Keep going with the presents, I'll be back soon."

Sam pouted slightly at the loss of Gabriel's warmth beside him when he go up. He strained his ears past the noise of the living room, trying not to get his hopes up, but he was rewarded anyway when he heard the sound of Gabriel's surprise. It could only be Dean at the door. Sam scrambled up and went out to see and grinned when he spotted his brother.

"You came!" he cried and rushed over, hugging his older brother tightly. "Merry Christmas, Dean."

Dean chuckled and ruffled his hair before pushing him away gently.

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled.

"Cassie's not happy," Gabriel confided. "He wouldn't come downstairs until Sam went up to see him. He probably won't see you."

Dean sighed and nodded sadly.

"What did you do?" Gabriel asked.

"Uh... I'd rather not talk about it. Is he in the living room?" Dean wondered. Sam's heart swelled with hope. He eyed the wrapped present in Dean's hands curiously. When had he found time to get a present for Cas?

Gabriel and Sam took Dean into the living room and he was greeted enthusiastically by everyone except Balthazar, Lucifer and Cas. Lucifer and Balthazar glared and Cas just stared at Dean with wide eyes, looking a mixture of terrified and upset.

"Merry Christmas guys," Dean said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Cas... I gotta talk to you, buddy. Please?"

Cas looked down at the cards he was still clutching, his hands tightening around them briefly before he looked back up at Dean and nodded hesitantly. He got to his feet and went to Dean and the two of them left the living room.

Gabriel shifted beside Sam impatiently as they went upstairs.

"I'm just going to-"

"Do not even think about it!" Rachel chastised. "Let them talk it out!"

"I was just going-"

"No," Inias agreed. "Castiel won't like it if you interfere."

"But-"

"No Gabriel!" several voices chorused at once. Sam smiled at Gabriel patted his arm.

"It's okay," he assured him. "I want to know what's happening too."

Castiel paced in front of his bed nervously before choosing to sit on the end and look at Dean. Dean was frowning over at the crumpled pile of leather by the wall.

"I guess I deserved that," he mumbled. Castiel felt a stab of hot guilt and he stood up and went to the retrieve the jacket, cheeks hot as he passed Dean. He folded the jacket carefully and then hugged it to his chest, staring down at the carpet and waiting for Dean to say whatever he had wanted to say.

"Cas... can you look at me? Please?"

He didn't really want to. He'd just remember Dean's face from Friday night. But he did anyway because Dean sounded sad and Castiel hated Dean being sad.

Dean smiled softly and Catiel's heart fluttered in his chest at the sight.

"That's better," he stated. "Cas... I just... I needed to tell you that I'm... that I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. But you caught me off guard, man, and I didn't really know what to do or think or..." Dean shook his head, frowning in the way he did when he was annoyed.

Cas took a step back.

"Hey, don't do that. Come here... please?" Dean held out one hand. The other, Castiel noticed, was holding a wrapped gift. He didn't move for a few moments and then moved slowly over to Dean, reaching out hand out to accept his. The relief and happiness that spread over Dean's face made the small ache in Castiel's chest worth it. He was so beautiful when he smiled, Castiel wanted Dean to be smiling always.

"I'm still confused as all hell, Cas," Dean was saying, sitting down on the bed and tugging Castiel until he joined him. "You obviously... feel something for me or you wouldn't have kiss me, right?"

Castiel nodded. He had thought that was obvious. Dean made everything good and bright. What else would he feel other than this intense warmth that filled every part of him until he felt like he might burst? But Sam said to give Dean time and to help him. So he would. Dean helped him all the time, it was time Castiel got to be the helper.

"I don't... I'm not on the same page as you," Dean said quietly, staring down at the present in his hands. "I've been thinking about it a lot but... I can't figure it out. I know it's different, that's really obvious, but that... well, it scares me to tell you truth."

Castiel reached out and touched Dean's cheek. Dean looked up and Castiel touched his chest and nodded.

"Scares you too, huh?" Dean asked and Castiel nodded again. "Well... okay, good. But... I need you to help me out here because... I have no idea what I'm doing, alright?"

Castiel turned to the cards Sam had given him and sorted through them. They were in little books in categories so he found the one filled with images of people doing things together and he showed Dean one of two people holding hands and Dean smiled.

"Thanks Cas." His voice sounded rough and Castiel noticed his eyes were watery. He didn't want Dean to cry so he moved closer until he could put his arms around Dean's neck, hugging him tightly. Dean let out a small, choked laugh and pulled Cas onto his lap, holding him tightly and pressing his face into the crook of his neck. Dean's face felt a little scratchy but Cas didn't complain.

"I don't deserve you," Dean mumbled and Castiel's heart ached again. "Why me, Cas? You deserve someone better than me so why did you pick me?"

That was silly. Castiel didn't pick Dean. Dean picked Castiel. He was powerless to stop himself from feeling so much for the older boy.

Castiel stroked Dean's hair.

"So... can I ask you something?" Dean said, pulling away but not letting Castiel go. With a nod, Dean continued. "What... can you tell me what you're feeling? Why you kissed me?"

Castiel frowned. How was he meant to explain it? He looked at Sam's cards and picked them up to look through them. They really did make things easier. He would need to thank the younger Winchester properly for them. He found several images that were close enough so he turned back to Dean and showed him the first one.

It was a bright red heart.

Dean made a funny sound and his arms tightened around Castiel.

"Okay then..." he sounded weird but Castiel continued and showed him the second one.

It was of a person smiling with the word 'happiness' underneath it. Dean smiled and nodded at that one and Castiel showed Dean the last two together. They were a bright shining sun throwing a rainbow across the sky labelled 'sunshine' and a roaring fire labelled 'warm'.

Dean was quiet as he studied those two.

"Huh..." Dean chuckled nervously. Castiel wondered if he understood. "I guess... well, I can relate to that."

Castiel's heart jumped and he turned to look at Dean. Dean smiled nervously.

"Like I said, I'm going to need some help but... I promise I'm not saying no. So... since I couldn't give you what you really wanted, not fully anyway, I got you something else for Christmas." Dean picked up the gift from the bed and placed it in Castiel's hands. "Open it."

Castiel frowned at him and then proceeded to unwrap the paper, careful not to tear it. Dean was patient with him, unlike most people were, and he watched Castiel's face rather than the present. Castiel moved the paper to the side and frowned at the CD in his hand. It had 'Cat's Cradle – Kurt Vonnegut' written on it. He turned to look at Dean, confused.

"It's one of my favourite books," Dean explained. "I didn't have time to do more and it took me all night and most of the morning to do this one – that's why I was late getting here – but I promise I'll make you more. I recorded myself reading it. I noticed you like to snuggle up in my jacket when you're upset so I figured when things get really tough for you and I'm not around, you can have my voice and a good story to escape."

Castiel looked down at the CD and felt tears burning his eyes. He placed it gently aside before turning to Dean and taking his face in his hands, staring at him, hoping he could convey everything he was feeling in that look.

Nobody seemed to understand him the way Dean did. He was still hurt by what had happened on Friday but he knew now that Dean was just confused. Castiel could understand that, other people confused him with their actions all the time. Castiel could Dean move past the confusion because he knew Dean cared. More than anybody else. Because he understood, or if he didn't then he was trying very hard and getting very close.

Castiel looked down at the cards and saw the emotion deck and flicked it over. That was the word, the one he would like to use for Dean.

Love.

Castiel loved Dean very much.

He wanted him to know that.

Maybe one day he would tell him. Properly. With words.

Okay, just so people know, Dean is not getting off that easy. I know it seems like it but this was just their reconciliation. Cas is still going to be wary about Dean's emotions because he, like everybody else, doesn't want to be hurt and Dean's not quite there yet so he knows it could happen again. Also Luci and Balthazar are still mad at Dean so we'll deal with that. Plus there will be mixed reactions from the others when the developing romance comes into the open, including some surrounding Dean's dubious response to Cas's feelings.

So never fear, his negative response will be discussed and dealt with, but I wanted to end this chapter on a happy note so I had the boys make their initial reconciliation with Dean emphasising his confusion over his feelings. The next chapters will deal with their fallout properly and we'll see Dean starting to attempt to come to terms with his feelings for Cas. So things will be tense but not heartbreaking for a while :) Hope that makes sense.