...I LIVE!
That's right, I am not dead. Sorry if that's what you all thought. I was very sick though and very stressed and very busy. Then I had extremely bad writer's block which seems to be going away. It's not gone completely so I'm not entirely happy with this chapter but I wanted to give you guys something because you've been so patient. I am so thankful for all of you for waiting me out. You're all fantastic and I love you all very much, my darlings. I hope this is worth the wait and I will try not to let it take this long again. Thank you for all the awesome comments that have been left in the meantime, they make me smile so big, I'm so happy please love this story as much as I do!
I said I was not entirely happy with it but I am very pleased with the middle section, the bit with Michael and Cas. Like I am so happy with it. I love it. Michael is so cute ^.^
Anyway, there were other things I wanted to say but I've forgotten... Enjoy!
There was a weird tension at the Novak household over the next week. Cas had refused to spend any time in Lucifer's presence and Lucifer was sulking. Gabriel had had enough of both his brothers' behaviour. Sure Luci had been a dick and Gabriel wanted to punch him but he really was sorry and Cas was too good at holding grudges. Gabriel didn't really understand what the big deal was. So Dean was dating Cassie, that wasn't exactly a shock, any idiot could see how smitten they both were. Any idiot except most of their family apparently. Regardless, Gabriel wanted Luci and Cas to be on good terms again so he orchestrated the perfect plan.
It was very simple really but Lucifer wanted a reconciliation so he wouldn't fight the plan and Cassie trusted Gabriel much more than other members of the family, they all grasped what Gabriel was capable of, but Cas just refused to consider that his older brother might just be pure evil so the plan while without copious scheming, fell together perfectly.
Gabriel simply waited until Lucifer had just poured his first cup of coffee before breakfast on Sunday morning and then slipped upstairs to ask Cas to come and make waffles with him as Michael had brought home strawberries and blueberries the day before. The kid couldn't resist warm waffles with syrup and berries so he accompanied Gabriel downstairs. He froze in the kitchen doorway when he spotted Lucifer leaning on the counter next to the coffee machine. Before he could turn and lead Gabriel caught his shoulder. Cas stiffened but then relaxed after a reproachful look at Gabriel.
"Now, now Cassie," Gabriel chastised as their siblings looked on warily. Lucifer was just gazing at Castiel pleadingly. "Luci was a great big bag of dicks-"
"What did you just call me?"
"But," Gabriel spoke over Lucifer sharply, "he's family and when family do stupid things and are really sorry for them, we hear them out and forgive them. So, sit down, I'll make waffles and you let Luci say sorry."
Cas actually looked like he might ignore Gabriel and leave anyway and Gabriel half hoped he did, it would be quite interesting to see him be defiant. Dean was such a good influence on Cas, he was learning how to stand up for himself and it was quite adorable. But thankfully Cas's shoulder slumped and he walked into the dining room to take a seat at the table and Lucifer followed him, patting Gabriel on the head and giving him a grateful smile as he passed.
Gabriel and Michael shared one quick look before moving closer to the doorway so they could hear what was going on. Anna rolled her eyes at them and went hunting for the waffle mix.
"Cassie, please look at me, come on, you know I don't think you can't take care of yourself. You know I don't think you're some kind of idiot," Lucifer pleaded quietly. "I know how smart you are, I'm the one who used to sit there and do math with you, remember? I bought you all those physics books when you showed me Isaac Newton's wikipedia page ... Kiddo, please. Look, I guess I said those things, not because I believe them, but because they're what I'm most afraid of..."
Michael and Gabriel exchanged small smiles. Lucifer admitting fear over anything was so very rare.
"I'm so, so scared, all the time, of somebody hurting you or taking advantage of you. And not because I think you don't know any better, but because there are some shitdicks in the world and they would try to because you're so good and so sweet. I like Dean, you know I do but... I mean... he's like me, like I was anyway, and I just can't... Oh, don't look at me like that. I promise I'll try to get used to the idea just... I'm sorry, Cassie. So sorry. I should never have said it even if I didn't mean it. I love you and I think you're brilliant and brave and worth more than most other people in the world put together. You should know that and if you don't then I haven't been doing my job properly and I- Oh..."
Gabriel couldn't resist leaning around the doorway and his heart practically melted at the sight of Lucifer kneeling on the floor next to the chair Cas had obviously been sitting in, but instead of sitting there he was in Lucifer's arms, hugging him tightly around the shoulders. He released his older brother after a few long moments and gave him a stern look before turning and marching out of the dining room in the direction of the downstairs bathroom.
Lucifer ducked his head, trying to be discreet as he dabbed at his eyes so Gabriel pulled back around the doorway to give him some privacy. It was clear Cas was still mad about the hurtful words Lucifer spoke but he had forgiven him somewhat, at least now he wouldn't avoid family time. Gabriel just hoped Lucifer could mend fences with Dean too or else Cas might just stay angry for a lot longer.
Lucifer rejoined them in the kitchen and assisted with the waffle process by preparing bowls of berries and cutting the strawberries into bite size pieces. Cas came back while Michael and Anna were cooking the waffles and he gave Gabriel a small smile before sitting on one of the kitchen benches and watching the breakfast preparations. Gabriel felt so proud of himself that he located the Betty Crocker Milk Chocolate Frosting to eat with his waffles because despite Michael's disapproving glare he definitely deserved it.
Right up until Dean texting and asking for some help in preparing a date for Cas, Michael had believed the most uncomfortable part of his pseudo-parenting role was a distinct tie between giving Gabriel the same-sex sex talk and giving Anna the menstruation and body changes in young women talk. Now he was completely sure it was the talk he was about to give.
At least giving Gabriel the talk had been quick and relatively painless, despite absolutely mortifying, when Gabriel hurriedly informed Michael (right after the words "anal penetrative sex" had come out of his mouth accompanied by pamphlets from the clinic and book he'd bought online) that porn was a thing he enjoyed watching and his big brother didn't need to go to the trouble of explaining "how two dudes do the frick frack". Michael had backed out of Gabriel's room after leaving him the book and pamphlets to read which his little brother thanked him for a week later, blushing but seeming grateful.
And with Anna despite Michael feeling uncomfortable thinking about women bleeding from their vaginas and all of the painful things that happened to their bodies (he remembered apologising profusely to Anna when he was the one who became horrified at what she would have to go through every month, making her giggle and hug him tightly), she was very mature and took in everything he said then sent him away, informing him she could do research and then ask Rachel any questions and why hadn't Michael thought of getting Rachel or Hester to do that talk? Because he was trying to be a good parent and he also believed he might be slightly masochistic.
So while those two talk had been awkward and uncomfortable for him, he knew this one would be worse because Castiel could not reassure him that he already knew and couldn't make jokes to lighten the mood. His baby brother, as brilliant as he was, was still young and innocent. And he had that stare whenever he was listening to something he thought was important and Michael wasn't sure he could go through with this while Cas gazed at him like that. But he had to. Castiel had a boyfriend now and it was Michael's duty as his parent - brother, damn it, brother - to make sure he was informed and prepared for the possibility that one day he and said boyfriend might want to engage in sexual relations.
Michael swallowed heavily and knocked on Castiel's door before cracking it open and looking inside. Castiel was sitting on his bed with a book but he was looking up at Michael and smiled at him so Michael opened the door and came inside, closing it behind him, hands behind his back. He'd decided to bring the book he'd bought for Gabriel with him too because Castiel enjoyed learning on his own and discovering things for himself.
"I just wanted to have a chat," Michael told him. Castiel closed his book and placed it on his bedside table before folding his legs and giving Michael his complete attention. Michael chuckled warmly and sat, crossing his legs also and facing Cas. He hid the book behind his back before lacing his fingers together in his lap. "Dean's taking you on a date tonight, right?"
Castiel nodded with a smile. It was soft and his eyes were bright. He was clearly excited even if he wasn't bouncing off the walls the way Gabriel did when he couldn't wait for something.
Castiel tilted his head and narrowed his eyes a little but Michael laughed and shook his head.
"My lips are sealed. But dress warm, okay?"
Castiel sighed huffily but was still smiling so Michael knew he wasn't in trouble.
"Alright. So, this is kind of about Dean but, don't look at me like that." Michael shook his head a little as Castiel began to look defensive. "I approve of Dean, you should know that. I think he's good for you. I think you're good for him, too. No, this is just something to do with the fact that the two of you are more than friends now."
Castiel's eyes widened a little and he tilted his head again, looking confused. Michael shifted uncomfortably.
"When you enter a romantic relationship with somebody... somebody like Dean for example, eventually there's a... uh... expectation for... well... a... uhm..." Michael avoided Castiel's eyes and stared down at his hands but Castiel reached out and touched his finger's to Michael's clasped ones, forcing the older brother to look up at him. "There's... well... you know about sex, yeah?"
Castiel nodded carefully but he was frowning.
"Okay, good. I mean, of course you do, but I can never be sure, you don't like sex scenes in movies so I guess I thought... though that's probably all the skin contact right? ... No, never mind, that doesn't matter right now. Okay, so one day, Dean may want to have sex with you and one day, you might want to have sex with him too... Unless you're asexual... which you could be- there's nothing wrong with that of course- but just in case you aren't... well... so sex... how it works... er..."
Michael realised he sounded like an idiot when Castiel began trying to suppress a small smile. He was blushing a little but mainly looked amused and a little intrigued.
Michael took a deep breath. He could do this. Castiel was intelligent and he couldn't make inappropriate jokes. It was easy. Explain. Do it.
Michael studied Castiel's eyes and realised this wouldn't be like Gabriel. He didn't need to explain the mechanics. Castiel could read the book and get those facts for himself and then if he was curious he had plenty of people to talk to about it. No, what Castiel needed Michael to talk to him about, was something more important to the youngest Novak.
"Castiel," Michael said gently and unlaced his fingers to take his brother's hands. "I want you to know that one day, if you choose to trust Dean enough to share something so intimate with him, that you need to know what that will mean. And I really hope you would be making the right choice. Sex..." Michael took another deep breath, steadying himself and taking in Castiel's curious yet serious expression. "Sex is something that some people treat casually, and that's fine. But they're not like you. For you, I can't imagine anything you could do that would require more trust and bravery. Sex is the most vulnerable certain people can make themselves. You'd be letting Dean see all of you, and I don't just mean being physically naked, I mean see you emotionally and mentally and spiritually. You'd be letting him in and letting him touch you in ways I'm sure you've never considered. I've seen how much of a struggle it's been for you to trust us all enough to hold our hands and hug us. I don't ever want you to make that decision lightly, I don't ever want you to think it's something you have to do because you're in a relationship with somebody and I don't ever want you to think you have to do it because somebody tells you they want to. It's your choice whether to give somebody that trust. And I hope that if... or when... that day comes, that person loves you enough not to take that trust for granted."
Michael was surprised when Castiel squeezed his hands tightly, eyes bright and smile soft.
"Okay, so that's the important stuff..." Michael produced the book and passed it to Castiel whose face coloured when he read the book's title and observed the front image. Good, if he was that embarrassed maybe Michael wouldn't have to worry about Castiel having sex for a while. "This book is one I gave to Gabriel to read. It covers all kinds of sex but there's a fair bit of a focus on same-sex relations between men. Have a read of it when you're ready. I don't want to make you uncomfortable so we don't need to talk about it but... I want you to be prepared so..."
Michael shrugged helplessly and Castiel looked up at him. He still looked embarrassed but he also looked grateful and Michael smiled.
"Okay, I'll leave you to it. Dean will be here around six so be ready, okay?" Michael suggested. Castiel smiled and nodded and Michael took a chance as he stood up. He leant over and pressed a kiss to Castiel's temple. His baby brother didn't even tense up and Michael felt a swoop of happiness in his chest as he left Castiel to his own devices, staring down at the book in his hands with a mix of horror and curiosity.
Dean lost count of his clothing changes around the sixth shirt change and eighth jeans change. He couldn't explain why he was so nervous. Man, this was Cas he didn't really need to be nervous but he was. Dates weren't really his thing though and this one, this one was so important. This was their first date but it was also Cas's first date. He had to make sure it was epic and he had to look good.
"Damn it!" Dean cursed, kicking his wardrobe door. He closed his eyes and grabbed one of the discarded shirts and a pair of jeans and held them up, examining them. The jeans were acceptable, dark and a pair that hugged his legs and ass nicely. But the shirt was... wrong somehow. He tossed it aside and hunted around some more. He glanced at the time and swore before hurriedly deciding on a black t-shirt and a green plaid over the top. He grabbed a sweater and a scarf too, because he would need them and raced downstairs.
Sam snickered at him as he ran about the kitchen, collecting a few last minute things before rushing out the door.
"Good luck!" Sam called. Dean shot him the bird over his shoulder before he slammed the door shut and jogged over to Baby. He carefully placed his supplies in the back before getting it, rubbing his hands together. It was early January so it was still freezing out and he began to reconsider his plan but a quick check of his phone showed a text from Gabriel telling him everything was in place so he knew it would be fine.
He drove carefully to the Novak house and knocked on the door at precisely six o'clock. Anna answered and gave him a once-over.
"What?" Dean asked self consciously, clutching his basket to his chest and staring at her. "What?"
"Nothing. You look good. Come on, Cas is in the den with Lucifer," Anna said. She smiled at him when Dean balked. "Don't worry, they made up... sort of. Cas is still made but he let Luce apologise so it's a start. And Michael made him promise to behave tonight."
Anna grabbed Dean's arm and yanked him inside, steering him forcefully towards the den where Dean could hear an old Mozart symphony playing softly. Dean glanced in once and then shook his head at Anna before heading out to the sunroom. Michael and Gabriel were finishing off setting up the table. The room was filled with the soft light of candles and fairy lights and Dean grinned.
"Cheesy," he commented.
"You said 'as romantic as possible'," Michael said and looked around. "Is this not what you had in mind? Do we have time to-"
"Relax," Dean chuckled. "It's good. Cheesy is good in this sense."
Gabriel rolled his eyes.
"You're not gonna get laid like this," he chastised and Michael smacked the back of his head while Dean flushed.
"Out," Michael ordered. "Are you sure this is okay?"
Gabriel grumbled but left and Michael helped Dean take out his dinner supplies. There was pizza and milkshakes for dinner, with brownies and strawberries for dessert.
"I'll make some hot chocolate once you're ready for step two," Michael promised. "Just let me know when. Lucifer and I set up the small burner outside for warmth and there's a heap of blankets and pillows on the porch. Will that do? Stargazing in the cold isn't really..." Michael shrugged a little.
"Tonight's the perfect night for it," Dean promised. "We'll come inside as soon as we get too cold. I have wool hats and scarves and gloves. We'll be fine."
Michael nodded. "Go and grab him. We promise to leave the pair of you alone."
"Thanks, Mikey. This... thanks." Dean rubbed the back of his neck while Michael smiled in amusement.
With that ridiculously awkward gratitude out of the way, Dean returned to the den and announced himself by tapping his knuckles on the wall. Cas looked up and a grin broke over his face as he spotted Dean.
"Hey there, you ready?" he questioned. Cas nodded and scrambled off the piano bench to join him, taking his hand and smiling up at him brilliantly. "We're not going far. I want something simple for your first date."
Cas nodded after a moment of thought and allowed Dean to lead him into the sun room. He looked around with wide eyes and his smile grew soft and pleased.
"Okay so on the menu tonight is homemade pizza that I would like to claim I made but it was actually Ellen," Dean explained, leading Cas to one of the chairs and holding it out for him. He felt silly doing it but Cas looked happy so he cast aside the awkward feelings. "And milkshakes, also made by Ellen. They're strawberry."
Cas's eyes lit up and he drew his tall glass closer to take a sip as Dean seated himself.
"And for dessert we have fudge brownies and strawberries and presumably hot chocolate sauce but I'll have to go heat it up beforehand," Dean explained. "So, dig in. Happy first date."
Cas lifted his glass briefly in response before lifting a slice of pizza and taking a bite. He made a noise of happiness before taking another, larger bite and Dean covered his mouth as he smiled. He wondered when he'd stop finding Cas the most adorable human being on the face of the planet. They ate in companionable silence, occasionally catching each other's eye and Dean, at one point, moved his leg to hook his ankle around Cas's, making the younger boy look up in surprise but blush and smile when he caught Dean smirking and side-eyeing him.
It was probably the most enjoyable meal Dean spent with anybody. No awkward questions or pauses where people are trying to think of more uncomfortable conversation topics. No forced enjoyment. It was just them, just peaceful and content. Dean always loved spending time with Cas but he was by now Dean's favourite person to be around. He never had to pretend or force anything. It was always simple. Dean couldn't think of any feeling better than the one he got from being with Cas.
They polished off dinner and dessert quickly and Dean ducked into the kitchen to grab the thermos of hot chocolate from Michael before returning to Cas and gesturing to the door outside from the sunroom.
"Shall we?" Dean questioned.
Cas looked out the windows and then back at Dean with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, hang on!" Dean grabbed his basket and pulled out a thick, woolly hat which he put on Cas's head before wrapping him in a thick scarf and handing him some gloves. "Okay, grab a coat."
Dean geared himself up similarly and when Cas returned they headed outside. As Michael promised, there was a small burner seat up, warming up the edge of the porch where it wasn't under cover. Beside it was a nest of blankets and Dean had brought an extra couple from inside that wouldn't have been touched by the night air yet. There were also pillows which weren't too cold thanks to the burner. The pair of them nested in the blankets and pillows and Cas looked at Dean curiously in the low light from the burner (Michael had left the porch lights and the lights from the family room behind them off).
"Look up," Dean suggested, placing the thermos down beside him before laying back in the blankets. Cas directed his eyes up towards the heavens and his mouth fell open. Tonight the sky was beautifully clear. It wasn't quite as stunning as being out in the middle of nowhere but it was still a brilliant night to look up at the stars. It was something Dean used to do a lot as a child but it had lost its appeal when he started caring about being 'cool' after his mum died.
"Pretty amazing, huh?" Dean said. "You know anything about the stars?"
Cas shook his head numbly and Dean tugged him to lay back. Cas did eyes raking over the sky in wonder. Dean guessed he'd never really taken the time to look up and really see the stars. Excellent, Dean could show off a little then.
He started listing constellations, staring with one area of the sky and working his way across. Cas following his finger at he pointed, completely rapt. They shared some hot chocolate, sitting up to drink as Dean kept talking, telling Cas stories behind the names of stars and constellations.
They finished the thermos and tugged the blankets back over themselves before Dean looked back up and found where he was up to.
"And then that one's Orion, the hunter," he continued, tracing the stars. "He's my favourite, actually. And that one really bright star on his belt, that's Sirius. It's the closest star to us." The teen chuckled. "Listen to me, I sound like a nerd. But I can't help it. I love stars and planets. It's just... it's nice to think that our tiny, insignificant specks of life aren't the only ones out there. That there's still so much out there that we've never seen. It'd be cool to be the one who discovers it, wouldn't it?"
Dean let out a tiny gasp when he felt a warm body curl into his side. He looked down and found Castiel, still gazing up at the stars, enraptured, curving to fit against Dean's side, a hand clutching at his shirt tightly. Dean pulled his arm from under his head to wrap around Castiel and hold him snug against his side. The younger boy actually smiled and turned his face until he could bury it in Dean's side, breathing in deeply.
"Tired?" Dean wondered. Castiel didn't respond. "We can go back inside if you want." This time there was a headshake. "Alright then, we can stay like this as long as you want."
Castiel made a small sound of contentment that made Dean grin. He found that warm flame of affection heat up once again until it was smouldering through most of his torso now, flowing constantly and changing him deeply.
How was it that he could fall in love with someone who'd never spoken a word to him?
But he was. He could feel it deep inside him, knew what it was, how to name it now, altering the very core of who he was irrevocably. Nothing mattered more than this small boy snuggled tightly against him, looking happy and calm. Dean couldn't believe he could be special enough to receive trust from this boy who hadn't let his own family touch him. That he could make him feel safe enough to let his guard down.
Ellen warned him that autistic people weren't good at interacting with others and that sometimes they couldn't feel emotions the same way others did, or if they could then they were unable to express them. And a large number of them had trouble with empathy. But Dean couldn't see any of that in Castiel. He could see someone pure and beautiful and so inherently good... who just needed someone to understand and be patient so he could find a way to express himself in his own time and his own way.
So Dean just didn't worry. He held Castiel close and savoured the warmth seeping through him from where Castiel was pressed against him, gazing up at the stars with a smile.
Inside Michael watched them, hand pressed lightly to the window as tears streaked silently down his cheeks.
"Bro?"
He jumped when Lucifer touched his shoulder gently, scrubbing at his cheeks to rid the evidence of his moment of weakness.
"Aw, Mikey," Lucifer smiled, wrapping an arm around him. "Getting sentimental?"
"You remember how frightened I was that Castiel might be alone forever because there would never be anybody special enough to truly see him and reach into his soul to draw him out? To be patient enough and kind enough to really love him?" Michael whispered, eyes still on the couple lying together on their porch.
"Yeah, you used to talk to me about it all the time," Lucifer replied. "What? You think you were wrong?"
"Very, very wrong. And I'm not ashamed to admit it for once." Michael finally tore his eyes away from Dean and Castiel. "Dean Winchester is a gift from God, Luci. My prayers have finally been answered."
Lucifer stared at him and Michael worried he was about to be chastised.
"You called me Luci..." Lucifer blinked. "Who are you and what have you done with my twin?" He shook Michael gently and they both laughed before Lucifer hugged him, rubbing his back gently. "I always told you that you were crazy. That there had to be somebody out there like that. I guess moving to Lawrence was the best decision we ever made."
Michael nodded, eyes squeezed tightly shut as he clutched his brother, more tears running down his cheeks in a display of sheer happiness.