A/N: Again, please review and thank you to those who have taken the time to do so.
DISSONUS
On his previous trip to Tuchanka during an N7 training run Shepard had hated the wasteland planet. Now though Shepard understood why krogans insisted on living here; the omnipresent threat of death lent a certain urgency to living that Shepard found intoxicating. Here life expressed itself as pain at all levels, from daily chores such as slaughtering pyjaks to transformative moments like the Rite; from serious activities like search and destroy patrols to moments of relaxation betting on varren fights. Death permeated all and Shepard enjoyed seeing the galaxy stripped of the veneer of civilization revealing its base element, one common to all species sentient or not, an individual's mortality.
The various races had all constructed systems of morality that, while differing in details, all had the same goal of masking the inevitable and capricious nature of death providing a false sense of comfort through the imposition of social constraints on behavior. Turians value obedience, humans charity, hanar faith, asari diplomacy, quarians selflessness, etc. Each of these traits sheltered the weak individuals from death while preventing the strong from achieving their potential.
These systems were all wrong, only by overcoming the fear of death by learning to accept mortality through constant pain could a man become more than an drone controlled by fear. If death was preferable to the pain of living the galaxy's accepted morality was rendered obsolete. Omega's nature hinted at this but even there vestiges of morality led the average denizen to simply try to survive beneath the notice of Omega's predators. Only Tuchanka's omnipresent death fully exposed the falsehood of society's morality by forcing everyone to fight for their existence. There was no hiding from pain, only by enduring pain's presence and thereby learning to view a state of death as an improvement to living could one be free to act in their own interest.
Pleased with his reasoning Shepard decided to enlighten his team; after all they were chosen for their strength and had each endured pain, surely they would understand this revelation. Voicing this sentiment Shepard was confused by some his companion's reactions; they couldn't seem to understand the simple concept. Jacob shifted uneasily sharing an alarmed glance with Kasumi, Miranda shook her head in disgust, and Tali took a step away from him wrapping her arms around herself protectively. Samara simply regarded Shepard critically as she measured his words against her own philosophy before shaking her head and telling him he was wrong. Angered at the rejection of his thinking Shepard dismissed them as weak. At least some of his other squadmates did seem to understand, though slowly in Grunt's case.
"No shit, Shepard. You just figure that out now, fucking idiot." Jack snorted as Zaeed chuckled his agreement with her.
Garrus also understood. On Omega it was much the same. My squad believed itself to be motivated by an ideal of justice, protecting the weak. In the end they died stripped of all such pretensions. I can still hear their cries for mercy over the squad's radio net as my men surrendered to the mercs closing in on them. Confronted by mortality my men abandoned their oaths of fighting to the death, instead giving themselves up when any rational mind knew they would not be spared. There was no blaze of glory taking as many of the enemy with them as possible. There was simply the execution of terrified men who had given up the fight when confronted with their imminent mortality.
Fear of death stripped my men of the shallow courage they drew from following society's ideals of justice. I have learned from this and will not suffer the same fate for death holds no fear for me. Leading my squad to its doom was the worst thing I could imagine. Death will be a release, a final end to the pain of this existence and this understanding will allow me to follow the path I choose for myself. Looking at Shepard he nodded in agreement.
"Then let's stop talking and start killing!" exclaimed Grunt having finally absorbed Shepard's statement as he eagerly clambered aboard the transport.
As much as he had enjoyed Tuchanka it was good to return to the Normandy, and its showers. Shepard had found vorcha blood to be incredibly difficult to wash off, and after that battle with Blood Pack backed Clan Weyrloc there was plenty to remove. But, before he could reach the sanctuary of the elevator a voice stopped him, "Commander, Samara would like to see you in starboard observation."
"I will find Morinth with you but first tell me, will you hunt me once this mission is over the way you now hunt Morinth?" Shepard inquired leaning towards Samara curious what her response would be. Any sane person would say no, either truthfully or to maintain an element of surprise.
"Yes, once I destroy Morinth I will come for you. Samara answered dispassionately. So, she is insane. No matter, no one will survive the trip through the relay anyways. "You have violated the Code with disturbing regularity. Had I not foolishly given the Oath of Subsumation I would end your existence now. Your actions have given me cause enough to destroy you even before considering the abhorrent philosophy you espouse."
"What's wrong with my ideas? You have lived a life of struggle and are free from the fear of death, there is nothing shackling you to the weak. You are my proof having found strength in enduring pain." countered Shepard.
"No, pain weakens my resolve; I find the strength to continue in my dedication to the Code. While in the short term my tactics appear heartless I do not lose sight of my goal constantly weighting the benefit of achieving my aims with the immediate harm my actions inflict. It is this reasoning that led me to accompany you against the Collectors."
Damn it, why did I even bother talking to her. Oh, apparently she's not finished yet. Fucking asari, just because they live a thousand years doesn't mean everyone else can waste time listening to them ramble on.
"You though, have no guiding force. Despite your actions on behalf of the galaxy's survival it is clear you do not do it out of a sense of duty or love. Rather you do it because it allows you to sate you violent desires and you enjoy the attention it brings you. All your actions are selfish and will only serve to eventually harm the galaxy, especially those who foolishly place their trust in you. This 'philosophy' you have created serves only to ensure that the pain you feel spreads out from you in waves destroying many lives as a sacrifice to one man's selfishness. In one aspect only do your beliefs agree with mine; your death is preferable to your continued existence." Samara concluded.
Taken aback Shepard defended himself, "I do have a guiding principle. Put simply: this is my time. I have suffered enough; this galaxy owes me everything and instead takes what little I care about away. I have earned the right to make my pain and anger work for me as I endure this hateful Purgatory Cerberus has created for me."
"And so we come to it at last, stripped of all pretenses to philosophy. You are simply taking your anger out on those weaker than you. I forget how similar to children you short-lived species can be." Samara stated softly a sad smile on her face. "And to think everyone sees a soldier in you. You have no sense of duty, no loyalty to anything other than feeding your base desires in an effort to fill your life with sensations of any sort. I have heard about Horizon and have witnessed your pathetic attempts at replacing her. Tell me, how well does this pain you keep talking of replace her?"
"And how well has the Code replaced your love for Morinth." retorted Shepard smiling as he saw the barb pierce Samara's calm façade.
Visibly composing herself Samara shut her eyelids allowing only a couple of tears to escape her eyes. "Listen to this carefully Shepard for it is the wisdom distilled from a millennium of sorrow. You will continue on this path thinking yourself safe from further hurt until you realize that with the end of pain and fear comes the end of all feelings. Emotions are not distinct notes, rather they blend to form a symphony and it is up to the composer to decide the music's message. Destroy one note and the whole work loses its grandeur. The absence of an emotion leaves a void, one you are struggling to fill with your psychotic philosophizing. At that moment when you have at last destroyed the source of your pain you will realize that in doing so you have rooted out all emotions; including the ones that have given you strength in the past."
"Condescending bitch, you're oracles mean nothing to me; and I will make you regret mentioning my love for Ashley." snarled Shepard stopping his hand as he noticed it straying to his pistol.
"Interesting, I never mentioned love or Ashley. So you already realize where your true strength lies, and how close you are to destroying it, hopefully it is not too late."
The defeat in Samara's eyes as realization of her failure flooded through her pleased me greatly. It was a pity there would be no chance to enjoy mocking Samara's failure. Samara had made a simple mistake, thinking that I valued the so-called symphony of emotions. She was right in one thing I had come to understand, my philosophy was an artificial construct made to disguise my hatred of everything about this second life I had been saddled with. What doomed Samara's argument was that the complete absence of emotions seemed a small price to pay for freedom from the torment that has been my constant companion since my untimely resurrection.
"Morinth, I'm sending a map of the Normandy and a list of crewmembers to your omnitool so you can pretend to have been aboard before. Here's an electronic sweeper I got from Aria, it should clear any listening devices from your quarters. I've used it in my quarters and, based on Miranda's anger, it seems to work. Get settled in, sweep the room and I'll meet you there shortly."
"Don't keep me waiting too long Shepard." her sultry voice whispered with promise sending a shiver down my spine.
Rolling over on her cot Ashley whimpered and curled into a fetal position causing the figure leaning over her to stop shaking her shoulder.
"Uh, Chief? Get up, there's a message for you. Chief you really need to get up now." swearing the marine looks around nervously, embarrassed at seeing her in such a vulnerable state.
The geth are getting closer, I can hear their strange buzzing language as they search for survivors. The sound of a pulse rifle and a scream tells me another of my unit had been found. Peering through the covering vegetation I see Serviceman Bhatia limping away from a group of geth holding her thigh. Then a second shot impacts her knee sending her sprawling. By chance she looks towards my hiding place and we make eye contact. As the geth grab her she yells at me to run. Jolted out of shock by her scream I burst out of cover spraying the geth with my assault rifle. Their shields hold and a pair of them return fire while the others lift Nirali onto an altar like device. I duck back into cover before peering out just in time to see a spike explode through her sternum. For the first time I notice several of the spikes in the area, each impaling a human figure. As I watch several spikes descend, the figures on them jerkily stand back up and turn towards me emitting horrible groans while a baleful blue light shines from their eye sockets.
Stunned by the horrifying sight I was reminded of my immediate danger when a pulse rifle shot impacted the rock to my side sending several shards fling into my face. Firing a quick burst of suppressing fire I turn to run down the path towards where the dig site was wiping blood from my eye. Unfortunately some geth were already there. Sprinting away before they could react I had almost made it to a sheltering line of rocks when their shots impact my shields sending me stumbling to the ground. Scrambling backwards I return fire with my pistol knowing it's hopeless.
For some reason I look around feeling that help is about to arrive. And then a burst of fire impacts my side and shoulder sending the pistol flying from my hands as I enter shock unable to move. The geth surround me but instead of finishing it they effortlessly carry me towards one of those altars. "No!" I scream in terror, death in combat is one thing; it could even perhaps exonerate the Williams name. To die and be resurrected by my enemies in that awful form is the most horrifying fate conceivable. Where was he, why hadn't he come for me this time?
Ashley jerked awake struggling wildly feeling a hand on her before the marine's voice breaks through her confused state. Face flushing in embarrassment Ashley apologized to the equally embarrassed marine. Shaking off the apology the marine made his report, "Sorry to wake you, Ma'am. There's an FTL message for you marked urgent. You can recieve it at the comm station."
Pausing to collect herself Ashley dismissed her dream and headed for the comm station. Ever since Udina had given her this mission Ashley had been working overtime getting her squad ready for anything they might face. What little time she did have for sleep was interrupted by this recurring nightmare about Eden Prime. Despite her dislike of drugs Ashley decided to drop by the doctor's and get some sleeping pills after seeing what the message was. After all it wouldn't do to prove Udina right and get her squad killed just because she was tired. After all Shepard won't be there to pull my ass out of the fire again.
Entering the comm station an orderly saluted and handed Ashley the message. Glancing at the unfamiliar origin address Ashley was intrigued. Opening the letter and beginning to read Ashley was thrilled to see that it was from Tali. The initial excitement was short-lived, however, as she continued to read the message.
Hello Ashley,
Sorry I haven't been able to contact you earlier but you know how it is with you on a secret Alliance mission and me on a secret Cerberus one. I just want to say that it was great seeing you on Horizon; you looked wonderful in your armor, just like you did when I first met you on the Citadel. Only you can pull off heavy armor and make it look good.
Anyways I'm afraid the reason I'm contacting you isn't to talk about old times or even your choice of armor color. No, it's far more serious than that. I have talked with both Miranda; I think you saw her on Horizon, and Kelly, the new Normandy's psychologist. The fact that I'm working with and agreeing with two Cerberus agents should tell you how serious this is.
I'll stop dragging this out, Shepard needs help and we all think you're the only one who can give it to him. Just so you know what has happened I've enclosed a sample of Miranda's mission debriefings, I can vouch for their accuracy, and Kelly's diagnosis of Shepard which I am not qualified to disagree with but it sounds accurate.
As someone who personally knew Shepard before his death I will add my thoughts here too. He is dangerously unstable. The man we knew is vanishing, at times he will emerge but those times are becoming few and increasingly infrequent. Shepard's ability to empathize is gone; he acts brutally and at times sadistically. It's hard to believe but lately he seems to actually take pleasure in causing pain to both others and himself.
I grew to love Shepard aboard the first Normandy just as you did. No matter how hard I've tried I cannot stop his descent into darkness; Shepard chose you two years ago and he needs you now. While I do not understand you reasons to abandon him on Horizon I can only hope they were good ones because the pain your actions have caused here are unimaginable. I fear it may be too late already but with your help I believe there is a chance to bring back the Shepard we loved. Time is short, you need to help immediately.
Sincerely,
Tali'Zorah vas Neema nar Rayya
Ashley turned and quickly made her way back to her quarters avoiding interacting with anyone on the way, not trusting herself to remain in control. Upon reaching her room Ashley reread the message; it couldn't be true, but it was. The code she and Tali had agreed upon, the bit about her looking good in heavy armor,was there so this message was accurate and Shepard was acting strangely.
After reading the mission reports and the psych profile which had been peppered with words like psychopathic, sadistic, dissonance, and others she didn't understand, or want to, Ashley was forced to admit that Tali's assessment of Shepard seemed accurate. And the timing, there was no way that Horizon's role as a seeming turning point in Shepard's psychosis was coincidental. It was her fault.
Frantically wiping away tears and trying to silence her sobs so her messmates didn't hear her breakdown Ashley desperately tried to think of a course of action. Hearing Tali call her behavior on Horizon an abandonment of Shepard hurt as only the truth could. Finding out from Anderson and Udina that her reasons had not actually good ones the suffering Tali had referred to was, Ashley realized, her fault. But she was a marine and she was on deployment, leaving her mission to see Shepard was not an option. Especially as Ashley did not know if she even wanted to see him. His continued existence contradicted her every belief. Shepard had died, his soul had been returned to God; therefore it was impossible that he could have truly returned. Logically this new 'Shepard' did not contain the soul of the original one and therefore was simply a fleshy reanimated mockery of her lover. More like a husk than anything resembling the man she had known. This thought made Ashley nauseous remembering the glowing red eyes she had seen on Horizon, yes he was more a husk than a person.
But what if you're wrong, what if it somehow is him? Who are you to state that God couldn't send back Shepard's soul to save His creation? Couldn't it be His will that you help Shepard accomplish his task, and that you're refusal of him had contradicted God's will? a treacherous part of her mind suggested.
Tears streaming down her cheeks Ashley forced herself to ignore them and begin writing. She couldn't abandon her mission but she could try to tell Shepard how she felt. If it truly was him it might help, and if it wasn't then it wouldn't matter. Hitting the send button Ashley fell back asleep, maybe this time he would come for her again.