CHAPTER 51 (Darker Version)
A/N: Here is the chapter with the darker story line. It was hard to write, and I'm still not real satisfied with it. I felt like Leah has been through so much, and maybe this was too much. That's why I went with the other chapter. Let me know what you think!
Leah POV:
I got a call from the restaurant on Monday morning while I was drinking my coffee. They wanted me to start work on Thursday at four. I was excited, but a little nervous. This was my first job! He had me on the schedule for just two days this coming week. He wanted to start me out slow until I got the hang of things. I was OK with that.
Mom went in to work on an early shift today and Seth was off to school, so I showered and dressed and decided maybe I should do some homework. I was a little worried about getting behind in my classes, so I was sitting at the kitchen table with my laptop working on some homework for my math class when the phone rang. "Hello?"
"Hey, Leah. It's Josiah. I'm not bothering you, am I?"
"No, just doing some homework. I can take a break. You OK?" There was something in his voice . . . he sounded upset.
"Um, I really need someone to talk to. Can I see you today?"
"Yea, sure. Where?"
"I don't know. I would invite you here to the farm, but I know that would make you uncomfortable." He really sounded bad. "I can borrow my brother's truck and drive down there."
I didn't think it was smart to have him come here. "Um, I think there is a scenic view about half way between us, just off the highway. I can be there in about 30 minutes or so."
"Yea, I think I know where you mean. Thank you, Leah. I'll see you soon." I hung up and looked at the phone. What has him so upset? Is he leaving for the rez up north? I felt so sorry for him. He didn't deserve any of this.
I put on my shoes and grabbed my purse and keys. I walked out to the Jeep and got inside. I wasn't sure I was ready for a road trip yet, but I figured I wasn't going to learn any other way. I put it in gear and took off. The clouds were rolling in and it looked like it would be another rainy day. I made it to the highway alright, and started to enjoy the drive. I even turned on the radio and enjoyed some music.
I found the turn for the scenic view and pulled into the lot. There was one other car there that belonged to an older couple who had their camera out and was snapping pictures. I stayed in the car and waited for Josiah.
About five minutes later, an old blue Ford truck turned into the lot and pulled up beside me. Josiah looked over and waved. I smiled and waved back and got out of the Jeep. Josiah walked around the truck and immediately pulled me into his arms. "Thank you so much for meeting me today," he said softly. He let me go and I stepped back.
"Sure. You sounded upset on the phone. It worried me. What's going on?" I asked him. He reached over and opened his truck door and said, "Let's sit and talk, OK?"
I nodded and climbed into the truck and closed the door. He walked around and got into the driver's side. I looked over at him. He was staring at the floor. I put my hand on his arm and said, "Hey, talk to me."
He looked at me and I could see unshed tears in his eyes. "I have to leave, Leah. Josh and Jason are taking me tomorrow." He hung his head. "I can't go. I don't want to go." He leaned forward and rested his head on the steering wheel.
I scooted closer and put my arm around his shoulders and said, "I am so sorry, Josiah." He turned his face towards me. His eyes were red and there were tears running down his face. He reached out and pulled me close and held onto me. I held him and ran my hand through his hair while he cried. He finally calmed down and pulled back. He wiped his face and said softly, "God, I'm sorry. I . . . "
"Hey, it's OK. I totally understand." I pushed his bangs out of his eyes and said again, "It's OK. Josiah, I know you're scared. Who wouldn't be? I'm so sorry you have to leave. I'm glad you called me."
"Do you mean that?" He looked into my eyes and I wasn't sure what I saw there.
"Yes, I mean that. I told you I wanted to be your friend." He nodded and stared straight ahead. Finally he looked over at me and said, "I have somewhere I want to show you. It's . . . a special place my mom used to take me. I was little, but I remember this place. It's not very far."
I sat there for a moment and thought about it. I knew I shouldn't go with him. But I had some time, and I wouldn't see him for a really long time, so I found myself saying, "Well, if it isn't very far, OK."
He gave me a big smile and started the truck and took off. He headed north and I looked out the window at the scenery. It was really beautiful up this way. Josiah said, "I grabbed a couple bottles of water before I left." He picked one up and opened it and took a drink. "Help yourself."
"Thanks," I said. I picked up the other bottle and opened it and took a drink.
"I've been thinking of all of the things I'm going to miss when I leave. Stupid things like, driving this truck, eating pizza, watching TV, stuff like that. Although, I guess they will have somewhere for me to stay when I'm in my human body, I don't know, maybe they have a TV." He looked at me and tried to smile.
I smiled back and reminded him, "Just remember, it won't be forever."
"What I will really miss human contact. Someone to talk to, someone to touch . . . " he said as he glanced at me.
I didn't say anything to that. What could I say? He got quiet again. I drank some more of the water and watch more scenery. For some reason, I was feeling kind of sleepy. I took another drink of water and rolled down the window about half way.
"Leah? Are you OK?" Josiah asked.
"Yea, I just need a little air," I answered. I took another drink of water to try and help me wake up. For some reason, my eyelids were getting heavier and I was having a hard time keeping them open. I felt the bottle of water slip from my hand and hit the floor and I slumped over against the door and everything went black.
I opened my eyes and looked around. Where the hell am I? I shook my head a little. Ow, what a headache. I tried to figure out where I was. It was a small, barn type structure. There were holes in the roof that let enough light in to see. I sneezed and realized I was lying on a blanket on top of some hay. I sneezed again and I heard Josiah say, "Bless you." I looked over and saw he was lying beside me, on his side with his head propped on his hand. He had no shirt on! I realized that my clothes were gone! I was wearing his t-shirt and my underwear and nothing else, but was covered with a blanket.
I sat up and looked over at Josiah. "What the hell is going on here? Where are we and where are my clothes?" I asked angrily.
He sat up and smiled. "Hey, Leah, it's OK. You're here with me. I won't hurt you I promise. You're safe."
"You didn't answer my questions. Answer them NOW!" I yelled at him. His smile disappeared and he looked a little scared. "You drugged me, didn't you? You drugged me and brought me here to . . . to what Josiah?"
He looked guilty as he said softly, "Leah, I'm sorry I did that. I just didn't think you would agree to be alone with me. I just wanted to be with you, and love you, and . . ."
I threw the blanket off of me and stood up and looked around. "Where are my clothes, Josiah? I want them right now."
He stood up and came over to me. I saw he was at least wearing his boxers. I closed my eyes. God, what happened while I was out? Did we . . . did he rape me? I was trying hard to remember, but I couldn't see anything.
"I want to go home. Right now," I said to him. I sneezed twice. The hay was really getting to me.
I could see the frustration he was feeling written on his face. He spit out, "Look, I'm sorry I drugged you to bring you here. I know I shouldn't have. Nothing happened while you were out. I just wanted to get you here. I did take your clothes off, and I'm sorry about that, too. But that's all I did, I swear. I just want . . . just spend some time with me, OK? Show me that you care about me! Make me feel like I matter! I feel it, even if you don't. This connection between us. I just want to feel that before I leave and allow this . . . damn monster to take me over." He put his hands on my shoulders. "Please, just, be with me, and let me pretend for a little while, that you . . . love me."
I turned away from him and tried to keep the panic from erupting. He wants to feel loved! I should never have come agreed to meeting him. He kidnapped you once, stupid! You should have known better. Embry will be furious with you for being alone with him. I took a deep breath to calm myself then turned back to look at him.
He was so sad and lonely and he was going away for God knows how long. I tried to reason with him. "Look, Josiah. I really feel bad about what you're going through, but you have to know that this is wrong." He closed his eyes. "I know you feel something for me, and I wish that I could return those feelings, but I can't. I belong to Embry. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is.
He opened his eyes and put his hands on my upper arms leaned forward to rest his forehead on mine. "Leah, please? I need you so much," he whispered. "Please, please help me to feel human just for a little while before I . . . can't be anymore. I won't hurt you, I promise." Then I felt him pull me closer and his lips touched my neck. Panic started to rise in me again. "Um, Josiah . . ." I put my hands on his chest and pushed at him. He tightened his hold and whispered, "Please, Leah, just relax and let me love you. Just this once. No one will know but us." Now the panic was full blown! I shoved him away and started for the door.
He caught my arm and I turned and said angrily, "Don't, Josiah. Unlike you, I can phase into my wolf body when I want to, and I don't want to hurt you, but I will."
He smiled a very strange smile and said, "I know. But you can't here. Don't you know that, Leah? You can't phase on the Makah reservation."
"But you phased . . ."
"Yes, I can phase there because I am mixed blood."
What? How does he know that and I don't? He's just saying that to scare me. I took a few steps back and willed my body to phase. Nothing happened. Oh God, no. He can't be right. I let my anger surge through me to help me phase. Nothing. I tried to keep the panic at bay, but it was bubbling to the surface. My heart was racing and I tried quickly to think of a way out of this.
He stepped toward me with the same pained expression I remembered when he was in his werewolf body. "Leah, you don't need to be afraid of me. I would never hurt you." He reached for me and I backed up.
"I've told you, Josiah. I don't feel like that for you. I can't . . . be with you like that." I kept backing up until my back was against the door. I was slowly reaching behind me for the handle when Josiah shot forward and grabbed me. He pulled me back to him and turned toward our little "bed" in the hay. As I brought my knee up toward his groin, his hand shot out and caught my leg. His reflexes were so fast! It's like he knew my every move before I made it. He pushed me down onto the blanket and hovered over me. "Leah, don't you understand? I want so badly to feel loved." He was tearing up and he came close to me and begged, "Please Leah, just let me hold you and kiss you. Stop fighting me and give in to your feelings for me. I know if you didn't have Embry, you would love me." His lips came crashing down on mine and I kept my lips tight and closed. I struggled to get away from him, but he tightened his hold on me and pushed his lips harder against mine.
I put my hands in his hair and pulled as hard as I could. His hands were running down my body and then he caught the bottom of the t-shirt and pulled it up. I started hitting at him and I finally pulled my mouth away. "Josiah, stop! I don't want this! Stop it!" I screamed at him.
He looked down at me and said, "I know you want this, Leah. Just stop fighting and give in to it." He reached down and in one quick movement he reached down and I heard my underwear rip and he tore them from me.
"No, no, no, please Josiah, don't," I was begging. Tears were running down my face as the panic had turned into fear. He put his lips on mine again and ran his hand up under the shirt to squeeze my breast. He was moving against me and I knew what was coming next. I broke away again and tried to beg him, "Please don't do this. If you really love me, don't make me do this."
He stopped and looked down at me. "I do love you, Leah. So much." He pulled his hand out from under the shirt and put it on my face. "You're all I think about. I can't get your beautiful face out of my head." He was caressing my cheek. "I have to leave tomorrow and I don't know when I will see you again. It's killing me, Leah. It's killing me to leave you."
As I looked into his eyes, I could see he truly believed that he loved me. How? He didn't even know me. He leaned down and put his lips on my throat and put very gentle kisses there. I had to try and get away again while he was calmer. I stayed still and tried to pretend I was starting to like what he was doing. I relaxed my body and put my hands around his neck and played with his hair. I could feel him relax his body a little and he brought his lips back to mine. I let him kiss me and tried hard to kiss him back. That wasn't easy. When I felt he was most relaxed I brought my knee up hard into his groin.
He convulsed and I threw him off of my and got up and ran for the door. "Leah!" I heard him shout. I had trouble unlatching the door, but I finally got it and threw the door open and ran out. I had no idea where I was. I looked for the truck. But he would have the keys. I decided to run for it and headed for the trees. I didn't get far. I was bowled over from behind as Josiah threw himself at me and we both hit the ground. He was on top of me before I knew it and he said angrily, "Why would you do that? God, Leah! I've only been nice to you. I told you I wouldn't hurt you and you . . . did that?"
"I told you no, Josiah! I can't have sex with you!"
He got up and took me with him. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and carried me back into the barn. He latched the door and threw me down onto the blanket. He was on top of me before I could move. "Leah, I will show you I love you. And you will love me." He crushed his lips against mine and I did nothing. I didn't fight him, and I didn't respond. I thought maybe that would stop him. But it didn't.
He had his boxers down and he was rubbing himself against my leg. I tried to keep my legs tight together, but he was so strong. Stronger than me. He forced my legs apart and he took his lips from mine to whisper in my ear, "I love you, Leah. I know you love me, too." Then he forced himself into me. I didn't move at all. I willed myself to be numb. Tears slid from my eyes as I lay there and let do what he was going to do.
He was panting and trying to catch his breath. He raised himself up to look down at me. He reached up and gently wiped the tears from my cheek then he rolled off of me and lay on his back beside me. I closed my eyes and willed myself to wake up from this nightmare. All of a sudden, my stomach lurched and I rolled to the side and threw up. I heaved twice and used the bottom of his t-shirt to wipe my mouth. I laid back down and asked quietly, "Can I please have my clothes back now?" I stared at the ceiling. I couldn't look at him. I started sneezing again. I had to get out of here.
He rolled off of the blanket and stood up. I heard him pull his pants on and zip them. Then I felt him put something down beside me and he walked off and turned his back to give me a little privacy, I guess. I pulled off his t-shirt and threw it toward him. I put on my bra and slipped my shirt over my head and pulled it down. Then I looked down and realized my underwear were gone. I pulled on my jeans and stood up to zip them. I slipped my shoes on and gathered my hair and slid the elastic band off of my wrist and would my hair into a messy bun. "I want to go home now," I said.
He turned and I could see sadness in his eyes. He walked toward me and stopped in front of me. I stared at the ground. He put his hand under my chin and forced my head up so he could look into my eyes. I showed him exactly how I felt. Angry. Violated. Hurt. He shook his head as he said, "Oh my God, Leah. I am so sorry. I promised I wouldn't hurt you, and then I . . . I'm sorry." He tried to pull me to him and I shoved him away and said, "Don't."
He nodded and turned toward the door. He unlatched it and opened it and walked out and waited for me. I walked out and squinted at the brightness. The clouds had parted and the sun was peeking out. He began walking and I followed him. We got to the truck and he opened the passenger door for me and I got in. He shut it and walked around and got into the driver's side and started the engine.
I leaned my head against the glass and stared out the window as he drove. I felt more tears slide from my eyes down my cheeks. How could I be so fucking stupid? How could I have walked into that so easily? I should have listened to Embry. He told me he felt like something was off with Josiah. He didn't trust him, and I should have trusted Embry. He was always telling me that. Trust him, trust him, trust him. Why couldn't I get that through my fucking head? How would I tell him about this? He would hate me. The tears came faster now. I lost everything in just one afternoon.
He finally pulled up next to my Jeep. I reached for the door handle and Josiah grabbed my arm. I stopped, but wouldn't look at him. "Leah? I am so sorry. I never meant for it to get . . . like that. I don't know what happened to me. I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you. Are you OK?"
Am I OK? Is he serious? That's when I turned on him. "Are you fucking kidding me? Am I OK? You raped me, Josiah. Don't you get that?" I screamed at him. "I'll never be OK again." I ripped open the door and slammed it. I pulled my keys from my jeans pocket and unlocked the Jeep door and got in and locked it. Josiah just sat there, so I turned the key and started the engine, threw it into gear and backed out. I shoved the Jeep into first and took off. I made it to the highway and somehow got it into fifth gear and was cruising along before I lost it. I had to keep wiping my eyes to see where I was going, but I wasn't stopping for anything. All I wanted to do was get home.
I finally pulled up in front of the house. I had no idea what time it was. I didn't know if Seth was home from school or not. I opened the front door and went straight for the stairs. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I stripped off my clothes and got in and ran the water as hot as I could stand it. I took a wash cloth and soap and scrubbed every inch of my body over and over and over trying to get every bit of his scent off of me. I sobbed as I washed and wished for the hundredth time that I would wake up from this nightmare. I slid down until I was sitting on the floor, letting the water run over me and felt the sobs wrack my body.
The water finally ran cold, and I reached up and turned it off. I pulled myself out of the tub and grabbed a towel and started scrubbing myself dry. I wrapped it around me and reached into the cupboard under the sink and took out a garbage bag. I threw my clothes into the bag and tied it shut. I walked into my room and threw the bag down, knowing I would take it down later and put it into the garbage can. I never wanted to see them again.
I pulled out a clean pair of underwear, some sweatpants and a t-shirt and got dressed then laid down on my bed and curled myself into a ball. I was physically and emotionally spent. I couldn't do anything else. I just laid there and wanted to die.
Embry POV:
"Hey, bro. Give me a ride home today?" Seth had caught me at my locker after school.
"Yea, sure. I usually go to Jake's, but he called and told me not to bother today. Work has slowed down." I slung my book bag over my shoulder and slammed my locker shut and we turned to walk to the parking lot. "We need to find some more cars if we are going to save up for this shop."
Seth nodded and asked, "Do you guys ever advertise? You know, you could put up flyers around town or something."
Wow. I never thought of that. I smiled and looked over at him. "Great idea, bro! I never thought of that. Yea, maybe we should do that."
"I could design something on the computer for you . . . if you want me to."
"Yea, sure! Go ahead and then we'll run it by Jake, OK?"
He grinned. "OK! I'll work on it tonight." I put my arm around his neck and pulled him to me and messed up his hair. He usually hated that, but he was still grinning when I let him go.
"You're pretty smart, little brother," I said. We busted through the door and walked out to the parking lot. We got to the truck when we heard someone calling after us.
"Seth! Wait!" Seth turned to see Abby running toward him. She ran up and launched herself at him. He caught her in his arms.
"What? Are you OK?" he asked quickly.
She was a little out of breath from running after him, but she got out, "Yes. I just wanted . . . to say . . . goodbye!"
He smiled and said, "We said goodbye when I walked you to cheerleading practice."
She smiled shyly. "I know, but, I guess I just wanted another kiss."
"Well, I can do that," he said as he drew her closer and put his lips on hers.
I smiled and shook my head and watched in awe. In a few short weeks, he had turned into quite a ladies' man. I know Leah hated it, but I was pretty proud of the kid. I gave them a minute or so then I cleared my throat loudly and said, "Dude, she's going to be late for practice."
Seth pulled himself away and said, "You better go."
She beamed at him and said, "OK. I'll call you when I get home, OK?"
"You better," he said smoothly. "See ya, baby." See ya baby? I rolled my eyes.
"Bye," she said as she forced herself to turn and run back to the school.
I noticed Seth watching her run, and I said, "Hey, Romeo! Let's go!" He tore his gaze away from her ass and said, "Huh? Oh,yea. OK."
I laughed and climbed into the truck. He got in and I started the engine. He looked over at me and said, "Man, she's so cool."
"Yea, she is. Make sure you treat her right. She's got it bad for you."
"You think so? Cause, I really like her a lot, too."
"Just take it slow, Seth. Don't rush into anything, OK?"
"Yea, I know. Please don't give me another sex talk. I can't take that."
I laughed and said, "Me either!"
I drove us to his house and parked the truck. We got out and went inside. "Leah! We're home!" Seth called. We didn't hear her call back.
I looked at him and he shrugged and said, "Maybe she's taking a nap? Or on a walk. She does that sometimes."
"I'll check upstairs," I told him. He nodded and headed for the kitchen. He always headed to the kitchen first thing after school.
I walked to Leah's room and peeked inside. She was lying on her bed, curled into a ball sleeping. She looked so pretty when she was sleeping. I couldn't help it. I had to walk in and bend down and put a kiss on her forehead. She slowly opened her eyes and I could see that she had been crying. I sat down next to her and put my hand on her head. Her hair was wet, like she had just showered.
"Hey, baby, are you alright?" I asked softly.
New tears slid from her eyes. She slowly shook her head. "I just don't feel good. Um, my stomach is upset. I just need to rest," she said quietly.
I smiled and kissed her on the forehead again. "OK, I'll let you rest. Do you want me to bring you anything?"
She shook her head again.
"Um, do you want me to stay and hold you?" I asked.
She shook her head, faster this time. "No, it's OK. I just want to sleep and feel better."
I nodded. "OK. I'll be downstairs with Seth for awhile if you need anything. Feel better, OK? I love you."
A tear slid down her face and I reached out and wiped it away. She closed her eyes and I got up and left the room. I closed the door and stood in the hall. Something seemed so weird about that. It just felt . . . wrong. But, I wanted to respect her wishes, so I went downstairs to hang with Seth. I could check on her later, and maybe bring her some soup.
Leah POV:
I watched him walk out and close the door. Oh Embry, how can I tell you what really happened? I need you so much, but . . . I can't tell you. I can't. I closed my eyes and willed the memory of what happened to go away.
I opened my eyes and it was dark. I glanced at the clock at saw that it was 7:30. Just then the door opened, and Mom peeked in. "Leah? Honey, are you alright? Seth tells me you're sick." She walked over to the bed and sat down. She put her hand on my forehead then chuckled. "I forgot, you always have a fever, so I guess there's no need to feel your forehead."
There was enough light coming from the hall way that she could see tears roll from my eyes. "Leah? What's wrong? Talk to me, honey."
I looked at her and could see how much she loved me and how concerned she was. "Mom," I started shakily, "I, um, I want to tell you, but I'm afraid," I said quietly.
"You can tell me anything, you should know that. Talk to me." I pulled myself up to sit up against the headboard. "It's alright, Leah. Whatever it is, I'll help you."
That did it. The tears came faster now. "Oh Mom. I did something so stupid. I went to meet Josiah today. He called me and he was upset, and I thought it was probably because he was being sent north to that reservation and I told him I would be his friend so I told him I would meet him to talk. I met him at that scenic view north of LaPush, and then . . . I was stupid enough to get into his truck with him and he gave me a bottle of water and I drank it and . . . it was drugged, but I didn't know it and I passed out."
"Oh Leah, no," she said as she took my hand.
"Mom, I'm so sorry," I cried. I was shaking as I talked. "I can't believe I was so stupid and so trusting." I closed my eyes and went on, "I woke up in this barn . . . and he had . . . taken my clothes and left me in my underwear and his t-shirt." I had to stop and wipe my eyes. She squeezed my hand. "He told me he just wanted to be with me before he left. He kept telling me how much he . . . loves me, and how he thinks I really love him to. I tried to run away, but he caught me and he was so strong and he was on top of me and I couldn't move and . . . and I told him no, I begged him . . ." I was sobbing again.
"Leah, are you telling me that he . . . Baby, did he rape you?"
I just nodded and she pulled me into her arms and held me tight. I sobbed and let her hold me. "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry this happened to you." She was crying now, too.
"And Embry was here and I couldn't tell him. How can I tell him, Mom? He told me not to trust Josiah. I should have listened to him. I should have listened!"
"Oh Leah. You are such a loving girl. You didn't know this would happen." Then she pulled away and looked into my eyes and said, "Leah, this is not your fault. I don't want you to blame yourself. HE did this to you. This is HIS fault, OK?"
I nodded. "But I shouldn't have gone . . ."
"That's right, honey, you shouldn't have. But you said no, and he didn't listen. Leah, I think we should report this. I need to take you to the hospital for an examination and we should call Charlie . . . "
"NO!" I yelled. "No, Mom. Please don't make me. He's leaving. He's going away tomorrow for a long time. He's going to be living in hell, so he'll get what he deserves. You can't put him in jail. You know what he is. Don't tell anyone, please!"
She hung her head for a minute then she looked back at me. "I guess you're right. I didn't think about that. OK, I won't call Charlie. But, Leah, are you, I mean, physically, are you hurt?"
I shook my head. "No, he wasn't rough with me or anything. I just gave up and laid still . . . until it was over."
She nodded and then pulled me close. "I'm glad you told me. You can't keep this bottled up inside. I know this won't go away overnight, and I know a lady at the hospital that councils girls that this happens to." She pulled away and said, "I want to call her and have you talk to her, OK? She can help you get through this." I nodded and she smiled. "OK. I'll call her tomorrow. Why don't you come downstairs and have something to eat? Embry went home. It's just Seth and me."
I nodded and let her lead me downstairs to the kitchen. I sat down and she asked, "Do you want some soup?" I nodded and she pulled a can of soup out of the cupboard and opened it and poured it into a pan. As I watched her fix my soup, I looked over and saw my laptop still sitting on the table where I left it. New tears fell from my eyes as I thought, If only I would have ignored the phone and kept working on my homework. If only, if only . . . I had a feeling I would be using those two words a lot from now on.
I ate some soup to please my mom. Seth drifted into the kitchen and asked, "Hey, how are you feeling?"
"Better," I lied.
"Good. You might want to call Embry. He was pretty worried about you." He went to the fridge and took out a can of pop. He popped the top and took a drink. "You look like crap."
I actually felt myself smile a little and say, "Thanks."
He laughed and said, "Sorry. Feel better, OK?" He patted my shoulder and walked out. I looked over at Mom and she smiled.
"Do you want me to call Embry for you? I can tell him that you are feeling better, and you'll call him in the morning," she suggested.
"How am I ever going to face him?" I said as my lip quivered. God, when would I ever stop crying? "How can I let him kiss me and hold me and . . . "
Mom reached out and took my hand. "Leah, you can't do this. You can't let him win. If you let him take this from you, then he wins and you lose. Kristy, the counselor, will help you to fight back. You have a life with Embry. He's your future. Don't give up on that."
I nodded and wiped the tears away. She was right. I would find a way to be with Embry again. I needed him so much. I loved him and he was my future. I would not give up on that.
Seth came into the kitchen and said, "Um, Mom? Embry's dad is here. He says he needs to talk to you." I looked over at Mom and wondered what that was about.
She nodded and got up and walked into the living room. I got up and followed her. Josh looked up at us and said, "Hello."
"Hi, Josh. What brings you by here at this time of night?" Mom asked.
"It's not Embry, is it? Is he OK?" I asked quickly.
He smiled and said, "No, Leah. It's not Embry. He's fine. Can we sit down?"
Oh, this wasn't good, whatever it was. Was it Angie? No, or he wouldn't be here. He'd be with her. Josiah! Did he know what happened today? Mom and I sat on the couch and Josh sat down in the chair. Seth leaned on the back of the couch behind me and Mom.
"I don't know how to say this, except to say it." He looked at me. "Leah, Josiah killed himself this afternoon. His brother found him out in the barn. He hung himself."
"Oh my God," Mom said quietly as she put her arm around me.
What? Did he say . . . he killed . . . I felt my heart race then everything went black as I hit the floor.
"Leah! Leah, honey, wake up." I could hear Mom's voice calling me back. I opened my eyes and I was laying on the couch. Seth ran up and put a cold cloth on my forehead. "Hey, can you hear me?"
I nodded. I heard Josh say, "I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have . . . "
I looked over at him and said, "No. I'm sorry. Tell me, please."
Josh looked at Mom and she nodded. "Well, uh, Jason called me and told me to come up. He couldn't find Josiah and he was afraid he might have . . .phased, you know? So I drove up there, but by the time I got there from Port Angeles, he was gone. Jason told me that Josiah had driven in and gone right to the barn. He just figured he was doing chores before he came in. He waited for awhile and when he didn't come into the house, he went to the barn. That's when he found him."
I closed my eyes. Oh my God. I can't believe I'm hearing this. "Um, Leah, there was a note," Josh added quietly. I opened my eyes and looked at him. "That's why I came here." He pulled a piece of paper from his pocket. "The first part was to Jason, so he tore it off, but the rest he wrote to you." He held it out to me. I pulled myself up to a sitting position and handed the cloth back to Seth. I took the note in my shaking hand.
I finally forced myself to look down at the paper in my hand and read:
Dear Leah,
I am so sorry. I promised I wouldn't hurt you and I broke that promise. I can't stand this monster I've become. I can't go on knowing how much I hurt you. I love you so much, Leah. I only wanted to show you that. I hope that someday you can be OK again.
Love,
Josiah
The paper fell from my hand and landed softly on the floor. Tears flowed from my eyes and I felt Mom put her arm around my shoulder. He killed himself because of me. Because of what he did . . . to me. Oh God. I can't handle this.
Josh cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, but I saw the note. I don't know what happened, Leah, but I can guess. Please don't blame yourself for this. Josiah made this choice. He really didn't want to go north. I knew he didn't. I think he had been thinking about this since I talked to him about it."
I just nodded. "Um, does Embry know about this?" I asked softly.
He shook his head. "No. I came right here. I won't say anything to him, about the note."
I closed my eyes and put my head into my hands. Mom rubbed my back.
"Is there anything I can do for you, Leah?" Josh asked.
I shook my head. What could anyone do for me now?
"Alright, well, I guess I'd better go. I'm heading over to Angie's to tell her and Embry. I'm going to help Jason with the arrangements tomorrow." He got out of the chair and kneeled down in front of me. "Leah, honey, don't blame yourself. Whatever he did to you . . . that wasn't your fault either. Josiah wasn't dealing with this well, and everything he did was his choice. Do you understand that? It wasn't your fault." He reached up and wiped the tears from my face with his thumb. Then he pulled me to him for a hug. "Honey, if you need something you call me." He let me go and stood up. Mom walked him to the door.
"Thank you for coming over, Josh," Mom said.
He just nodded and left. Seth sat down beside me and asked softly, "What did he do to hurt you?"
I closed my eyes. How could I tell my little brother what he did? I just sat there and Seth said, "He made you . . . he raped you, didn't he?"
I just started sobbing. He wrapped his arms around me and held me. "I'm glad he's dead, Leah. I would have killed him, you know. He deserved to die for doing that to you." I couldn't believe the acid tone in Seth's voice. I had never heard that before.
I sat up and looked at him. He had tears on his face, too, and the anger I saw in his eyes, scared me. "Oh Seth. I wouldn't have wanted for you to do that."
"But I would have. You are my sister and I love you and I would kill anyone that hurts you."
I hugged him to me and said, "I love you, too. I didn't want you to know. I'm so . . . ashamed," I finally got out.
"Leah, don't be. Josh was right. This wasn't your fault. How can I make it better for you?"
"Just hold me," I asked softly. So he did.
Embry POV:
"What?" I couldn't believe what Dad just told me. Josiah killed himself? Oh, God, Leah will be so upset when she hears this. I hung my head and tried to think about how to tell her.
"Yea, I just left there. By the time I got there, the sheriff was there and they were taking care of removing the body. I told Jason I would go back tomorrow and help him make arrangements. He's not taking this well."
"How am I going to tell Leah? She'll really be upset," I said.
"Uh, she already knows. I stopped there and told them on the way here," Dad told me.
I gave him a curious look. "Why?"
"I knew she would want to know, so I stopped there. And, um, Josiah left a note and part of it was for Leah."
"Is the OK? I should get over there," I said as I stood up and started for the door. Dad caught my arm and said, "No, Embry, don't. It's late and her mom is with her. I think you should wait until tomorrow."
I looked at Dad and tried to figure out why he didn't want me to go over there. "Um, OK. I have to at least call her." I pulled my phone out of my pocket and went to my room and closed the door. I dialed the Clearwater's phone and Sue answered.
"Hey Sue, it's Embry. Dad just told us what happened to Josiah. I wanted to come over and be with Leah, but Dad told me it was late and I should wait until tomorrow. But, can I least talk to her?"
Sue was quiet for a moment. "Well, it is late, and she finally headed up to bed. I know you're worried, honey, but she needs some rest. She's doing alright. Why don't you come by tomorrow, OK?"
"Yea. Tell her I called though, OK? And that I love her."
"I will. Goodnight, Embry." She hung up. I closed my phone and thought about what happened. I know Leah thought I should feel bad for him, and now I felt a little guilty for being so suspicious of him. I didn't wish him dead. I just wanted him away from Leah. I laid back on my bed and wished so badly that I could hold her right now.