A/N: As always, please review. Positive reinforcement is nice but criticism will result in improvements.
UBI AESTUS RECESSIT
Leaving Morinth's quarters Shepard released a frustrated growl at the continued sense of loneliness he couldn't seem to shake. It was a new sensation for him. Prior to his death Shepard had always had companions who he had been able to share his concerns with; at first it had been family and childhood friends on Mindoir, after their murder his fellow soldiers had been a family, and finally his crew on the original Normandy had been a family. And perhaps one of them would have become a real family member if the Collectors hadn't killed him interrupting his tentative hope. This new crew was not family.
None of the Cerberus crew was trustworthy and of his squad mates only Garrus came close to family. Realizing that the ends did justify the means Garrus provided some support to Shepard; but even he had been alienated by the pleasure Shepard took in causing pain in others giving him to give disapproving glances as Shepard reveled in the slaughter he created. Others were more accepting of Shepard's taste for pain but they were not his friends; Morinth had tried to kill him three times now (including on Omega), Zaeed was following him for money, and both Grunt and Jack would kill him if they felt he was weak or simply got too bored.
Shepard felt regret and sadness welling up inside him and determined to quash the uncomfortable feelings. Telling EDI to assemble Jack, Grunt, and Zaeed Shepard headed for the makeshift brig they had installed in the hanger bay to rendezvous with his 'torture team'. Because the Normandy was in 'civilized' space there had been no serious action for a while and Shepard was running out of mercs as Morinth took her toll; if he wanted to replace his unwanted emotions with hate and suffering he had to do it now, before Morinth consumed the supply of victims.
Wiping blood from his face Shepard surveyed his squad finishing up with an approving nod. Grunt was amusing himself seeing how far a salarian's arm would bend before snapping comparing it to the human merc's arm he had broken earlier. Zaeed was displaying his expertise as he taught Shepard how to slide a blade underneath a batarian's shoulder blade to hit the dense nerve cluster there, it was no easy trick and Shepard kept missing and slicing the rotator cuff. And Jack, who was currently playing with a human whose erogenous zones she had stabbed pieces of metal into through which she was now running electricity.
No, not family but they were a fun group. Reminding them to not kill the prisoners Shepard left the cell with a pleasant buzz of anger. Enjoying the lack of emotional torment Shepard relaxed in his quarters checking over his mail; seeing a letter forwarded from the Alliance Shepard opened it curiously. He did not move for two hours, Ashley's words echoing in his head. 'How could you even think I would still love you? You abandoned me two years ago to join the enemy; you are no longer the man I loved. I hate what you have become and if I see you again I will take you into the custody of the Alliance.'
Staring with unseeing eyes at the screen Shepard tried to convince himself the letter meant nothing, that it only confirmed what had happened at Horizon. The emotions suppressed by the torture session came back stronger than they had ever been. The final, quiet note of beauty Shepard had allowed himself to harbor, Hope, died. As it flickered out all that remained within Shepard was the ugliness of overwhelming desire, rage, and despair. He needed more prisoners.
"Damn it, Miranda; look at what you've done to him with that letter. It's been getting worse for the last week, he hasn't even come out of his room for three days since that disastrous mission to get Thane's son." the enraged quarian yelled.
"Look, we both knew this was going to happen, you wanted it to happen; now it's up to you to fix it. Have you even tried to talk to him or am I going to have to do it for you already?" replied the Cerberus agent.
"How could I talk to him, Shepard hasn't come down to engineering this whole time."
"So? Go to him, foolish girl."
Tali's angry gesticulating instantly became the familiar nervous wringing of her hands as she stuttered out an excuse about how it would be improper to go to her captain's quarters without an invitation, especially as they were both single and of marriageable age. Having allowed the quarian to ramble on Miranda finally lost her patience and cut Tali short,
"I do not care about your silly customs. If you can't find the determination to overcome this absurd taboo what chance do you have of making an interspecies relationship work?" voice dripping contempt Miranda spitefully added, "Surely this is covered in one of those revolting extranet sites you've visited. If I do not hear from EDI that you have approached Shepard by the end of the day I will see to him myself."
"H, Hello? Are you in here? Shepard?" stepping further into the unlit room Tali wrinkled her nose at the sharp smell which managed to pierce her suit's filters, its familiarity teasing her memory. Turning the lights to their dimmest setting Tali saw Shepard slumped over his desk, paper scattered about and computers smashed. Nervously approaching him Tali's hand shot up to her mouthpiece as she tried to choke back the tears which threatened to break out as she finally placed the smells of blood and heat sinks.
"Keelah, no, he couldn't have." As she approached his still form Tali's body became rigid as she steeled herself for the expected sight. The dim lighting revealed Shepard leaning forward in his chair sprawled across the desk with one arm dangling down towards the floor, a bottle shattered on the floor under his hand lying where it had fallen. In his other hand, which was draped in front of his face, he loosely held a pistol which glowed green indicating shredder ammunition. His head was resting in a pool of drying blood.
Panic seizing her Tali rushed forwards telling EDI to get Dr. Chakwas and to turn the lights to full brightness. Her hands hovering helplessly over the commander Tali took a moment to force herself to calm down and look at the situation carefully. The side of his face she could see was intact, as was his skull. Placing a hand on his back as she leaned forward trying to get a view of the wound Tali suddenly gave a startled squeal and jumped back as she felt Shepard's back rise and fall in shallow breaths. Shaking off her shock Tali brought up her omnitool to record his vital signs as she waited for the doctor. Once finished with her scans Tali's contacted Miranda to inform her of Shepard's condition, but mostly to just scream blame at the Cerberus agent for this disaster, Miranda promptly hung up on her.
Several hours later the doctor emerged from the medbay placing a comforting hand on Tali's shoulder as she spoke, "He'll pull through; lucky for him his blood work was a cocktail of ryncol and hallex. He was higher than a kite, thank God; it made him unable to hold the pistol steady in his mouth. Instead of pointing up into his skull his shaky hands must have let it fall to the side before he pulled the trigger. Rather than blowing the back of his head off all the bullet did was tear through his cheek shattering his teeth and maxilla." reported the doctor, seeing Tali's confusion she continued,
"That's the upper jawbone. I've pieced together his bone, fabricated replacement teeth, and placed skin grafts over the wound. He needs rest for a couple of weeks but, thanks to modern medicine he'll be physically fine soon; though I'm guessing Kelly's part in healing him will be more difficult and will take much longer. Fortunately Miranda was able to call a combat drill so the crew are at their stations and haven't seen the commander's condition. I'm sending him back to his quarters before the drill ends to avoid the rumors that would start flying if Shepard stayed in the med bay; but that means I'll need to organize a suicide watch for him."
"Don't worry about that doctor, I'll stay with him." answered Tali quickly as she rolled the gurney Shepard laid on out of the med bay. Oh, Keelah I thought he had died again.
The strength of the relief she felt startled Tali; lately there had been many occasions when she had secretly hoped Shepard would die, it would solve so many problems and relieve her of the conflicting feelings he inspired in her. Seeing him lying there looking so broken Tali thought she could see the man she used to know, and love. Gone in rest was the sadistic psychopath who had left a bloody wake across the galaxy over the past several months, all that remained was a man in need of help. He needs me, just as I have needed him so many times in the past; if I turn away from him now I would be as bad a monster as he has become. Miranda's plans can go to hell. I will not exploit his vulnerable state by seducing him, as if I'd even know how. No, I will be his friend; and if I am successful he will once again be the man I fell in love with…and if I'm lucky perhaps he might finally notice me.
Carefully maneuvering the gurney down the stairs in his room Tali placed it at the foot of Shepard's bed. As Shepard slept Tali settled herself onto his couch waiting for him to awaken. All night she sat there, her vigil frequently interrupted by bursts of frenetic cleaning as she drained nervous energy. By morning the room was once again in a livable state and Tali felt her spirits rise as the freshly cleaned environment seemed a good omen for Tali's next task of cleansing her captain's soul.
A sedated Shepard lay on his bed while the Normandy's officers gathered in his quarters, Tali had refused to leave his side to go to the conference room, to discuss what should be done about this new development. Miranda looked at the small circle of people who knew the truth about Shepard's condition as she thought about what to do. Making eye contact with Chakwas and Kelly Miranda started the meeting,
"Dr. Chakwas, Yeoman Chambers, how long until you expect Shepard to be in a condition to resume his duties?"
"Medically he is healing well and should be able to resume moderate activity in a week, though it will take several more weeks for Shepard to return to battle readiness." replied Chakwas in a crisp, professional tone.
The room's attention turned to Kelly as she began in a much less assured voice, "I can not give a timetable of any sort. Psychology is not an exact science making predictions for his rate of recovery impossible, additionally I do not even know the cause of his suicide attempt and until I can diagnose that it is impossible to begin treating him."
"We cannot afford to waste time as Shepard recovers. Yeoman, as soon as he regains consciousness you will begin to treat him and hopefully it will be enough because once his body is ready we need him to return to the fight immediately, there can be no psych leaves on this mission."
"Miranda, I can't work under…" Kelly began to object.
"I have assumed temporary command Yeoman Chambers; you will refer to me as Operative Lawson."
"Yes, ma'am…I'll do my best within your timeframe."
"Good. I suggest we use this time to scan for resources and rest the crew. Thoughts?" asked Miranda.
"Yeah, morale will suffer if the crew finds out about this. Already there are rumors flying and, despite whatever measures are taken, on a frigate the truth will always get out in time. We need to get him off the ship and separated from the crew." added Jacob.
"We could send him to a Cerberus base and keep him under observation there."
"No good, Miranda. You know we can't contact another Cerberus cell, it would compromise mission security. We need somewhere secure that is separate from Cerberus and hidden from our enemies, both the Collectors, the various merc groups we've pissed off, and even the Council and Alliance."
The air shimmered as Miranda, Kelly, Chakwas, Tali, and Jacob turned in surprise to see Kasumi sitting at the couch. Smiling at them she spoke, "Why so surprised? A secret meeting only the officers are attending…as if I could resist that. You all seem to forget that I'm a master thief. Oh, that reminds me, Jacob here's the AI core's clock."
The entire room watched as Jacob shifted awkwardly and developed a sudden fascination with Shepard's fish tank. Drawing the officers' attention back to her, much to Jacob's relief, Kasumi continued, "Donovan Hock's estate is still empty, we could use that for a while. Besides Bekenstein's security is pretty tight it will give us a better chance to hide Shepard from being found."
"No, we can't waste resources on renting a mansion."
"Miranda, please…I'm a thief, whoever said anything about renting. I'll slip into the capital city, find Hock's old bank and steal the title to the property, that will confuse any officials from kicking us out long enough for Shepard to finish healing." Kasumi continued, refusing to let her idea be refused.
Finally Miranda relented but added some orders of her own just to emphasize that despite accepting Kasumi's advice she remained in charge. "Okay, we'll go to Bekenstein. A skeleton crew will come with me and scout for resources, the rest of the crew will receive two weeks leave on Bekenstein. The away team will be divided to provide security both aboard the Normandy and at Hock's estate. Operative Taylor, you will command the operation on Bekenstein, inform Garrus that he will be acting as your security chief. I'll tell Zaeed he'll be in charge of the Normandy's security detail. Jacob, report to my office and we'll decide who stays on the Normandy and who goes to Bekenstein. Dismissed."
As the officers left Miranda pretended to not hear Kasumi's comment about her commanding nature being overcompensation, or Jacobs strangled laughter. Turning to Tali Miranda took her anger at their mockery out on the alien. "Two weeks, that's what you have to work with. If Shepard isn't down the road of recovery when I return your mission will be a failure and I will take Shepard for my own."