A/N: It has been pointed out to me that EDI would have known of the suicide attempt before Tali found Shepard. My reasoning to the contrary is that in the game EDI couldn't detect Morinth's replacement of Samara, presumably because her room had been cleared of spying devices. It follows then that EDI wouldn't be able to monitor Shepard's room either if it too had been cleared of spying devices as I said it was for the purposes of this story. Hope this clears up the plot flaw and thank you for the reviews, keep 'em coming.
MEA CULPA
"Excuse me, sir?"
"Come in, please. Take a seat."
Ashley darted into the sparsely furnished room hesitantly making sure no one had seen her enter. Nervously she sat in the offered chair as the man in civilian clothing watched her before finally breaking the silence.
"So, what brings you here, child?" the chaplain asked gently.
"I…I have a question." seeing him patiently wait for an explanation Ashley let out a sigh and continued, "Is it possible for a soul to return to this world from death?"
"Interesting question, no doubt there's a story behind it. Before we continue let me say that I am a military chaplain. This means that, my personal beliefs aside, I have been trained to provide spiritual support for members of any religion. Is there a particular belief system's view on this matter that you would like me to restrict myself to or are any open to discussion? Tell me about your beliefs."
"Any, I suppose. I was raised Christian but personally I believe in an omnipotent, monotheistic deity. I guess I do not follow any one doctrine." Ashley replied, her usual reticence towards discussing this subject relaxed by the chaplain's calm, accepting demeanor.
"Okay, first things first; what are your views on the immortality of the soul, Chief?"
"I suppose I believe that each of us has a 'soul' and that, yes, it is immortal and returns to God once we die."
"Just about every major religion agrees with you so. Now to my mind, if accepting the eternal existence of the soul, the other factor in your question is the way that it returns to this world. It is here that differences in beliefs begin to manifest. For example Christianity states the soul is judged being sent to either heaven or hell until the end of the world when it is bodily resurrected. Despite many differences Islam's teachings are broadly analogous to Christianity's in this area. A wholly different tradition is Hinduism; which teaches that the soul is sent to inhabit a different body, the quality of which is determined by the judgment of the soul's previous actions."
"I understand, but what I meant was could a soul re-inhabit its body if that body were to be given life." interrupted Ashley.
"Hmm, is this perhaps in regards to the geth husks? I have had similar questions about this perversion of life before and I understand that your unit just returned from destroying a geth outpost."
"Not quite, sir." she answered, feeling uncomfortable at the man's perceptive line of questioning.
"But I'm close aren't I?" the chaplain asked, holding up a hand as Ashley began to interrupt. "I know, I know…Since you don't seem to be asking about husks or the questions I normally get from soldiers seeking reassurance as they face their mortality and fear before battle I can only assume that what prompted your question is classified."
Gratefully Ashley nodded before the man continued.
"There is so much in this expanded galaxy which religion has yet to satisfactorily address."Heaving a sigh the chaplain leaned back and fixed his stare on Ashley. "I suppose it all comes down to one thing: God's power. You said that you believe in an omnipotent deity. From this it follows that no matter which religious doctrine you adhere to, regardless of its writings, teachings, and traditions, to declare that a soul cannot return in this life back to its body if God so desires is to limit God's power. Personally I believe that to restrict God's actions in accordance with human interpretations of God's wisdom as revealed in holy writings speaks to our arrogance as we attempt to shackle God's power to human comprehension. So…yes, I believe what you ask could be possible. Anything could be."
Hearing this Ashley abruptly stood and left the military chapel hoping to make it to her room before breaking down. She knew the chaplain was right; she just hadn't been able to articulate her beliefs. This meant that the new Shepard could actually be Shepard. And that she had rejected him at the time when Shepard had needed her most.
"Sir, Shepard is recovering on Bekenstein and everythi
ng is going according to plan."
"Very good Miranda; this suicide attempt is troubling, however. You should have expected this possibility." the Illusive Man's image reprimanded her causing Miranda to stiffen in displeasure.
"Of course, sir; but despite it being unforeseen it has turned out to work in our favor. Tali's commitment to helping Shepard had been wavering; this desperate call for help has strengthened her resolve to help him and his vulnerability seems to have appealed to her nurturing instinct renewing her affection for Shepard." Miranda reported with detachment.
"Good, just beware of Shepard becoming too attached to Tali." warned the Illusive Man.
"Yes sir, but I do not expect it to be a problem. Judging from the…appetites…Shepard has exhibited I do not think a platonic relationship with an alien confined to her suit will satisfy him for long."
Giving her a piercing stare with his artificial blue eyes the Illusive Man continued, "I hope you're right. Remember, I refused to implant a control chip in his brain; but I did put one aboard his ship."
Miranda smiled as the connection was cut, "Of course, sir."
"Leave me alone."
"I can't, the Alliance paid my rather exorbitant fee so that you and I could talk about this." came the patient reply.
"Leave me alone. I don't want to talk." was the weary reply.
"Ashley, I'll lay it out for you. There is no way for you to return to active status without being cleared for duty by me. Now if you don't want to talk I'll sit here and say nothing for the next 56 minutes, just like I have the other times we've met. But if you feel that perhaps, by some miracle unlooked for, today you want to talk I'll listen." The sound of creaking leather reached Ashley's ears as the considerable weight of the psychologist settled into a more comfortable position, where it would stay for the next 55 minutes, as it had the other two times.
"Sounds good…you don't happen to have any relaxation music do you? It helps me sleep." sneered Ashley as she too resettled herself into her overstuffed chair and closed her eyes.
"Why do you want to sleep, Ashley?"
"Because I'll remember him." she whispered.
The psychologist's chair again protested at his movement as he leaned forward towards Ashley. "Excuse me, could you repeat that? I couldn't hear you."
"Because I'm tired; why else would someone want to sleep?"
"Have you been sleeping well lately?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, better than ever."
"Have you been especially active today?"
"What do you think? I'm on enforced leave on a space station; I'm itching for something to happen!" came the acerbic answer.
"Does exercise or other recreation help this 'itch'?"
"No, I can't find anything I want to do and working out doesn't seem as fun as it used to."
"So you're constantly feeling tired but also restless and are not finding pleasure in activities you used to enjoy. What else are you…"
"Fuck you doc, I'm going to sleep." Ashley snapped.
"Irritability, another symptom-soon I'll need to start taking notes."
"I'll be outside if you need me, sir." I saluted Captain Anderson and was leaving the med bay sending a backwards glance at Commander Shepard when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Turning I saw Dr…Chakwas, that's her name, smiling at me as she began to speak.
"See anything you like?"
"Wha…I, uh no. I mean yes, I'm relieved the Commander appears to be fit…ah, for duty I mean."
"Of course Chief, he certainly is fit, and it is ever so good to see that." the doctor said as she…she winked at me; damn it this was not a good start on a new ship.
I nervously waited at the mess table for either Anderson or Shepard to leave the med bay when a different man approached me. As he came closer I recognized him as the other man who had been on Eden Prime, Shepard had called him Alenko. Seeing his rank insignia I came to attention throwing him a salute. Smiling he waved my hand down, his friendly demeanor putting me at ease, until he spoke. "I just talked with Dr. Chakwas, it seems Shepard will be…fit…for duty soon."
Seeing my reddening cheeks Alenko gently laughed before he became serious. "We lost a man, Jenkins, down there; I know you lost a whole lot more, but I can sympathize. If you need to talk please don't hold back, this crew's only been together a short time but it's already like a family. Any of us would be glad to help."
Being reminded of recent events I thanked Alenko for his offer but realized I just wanted some time alone. As I turned to leave for the quiet confines of the storage deck I saw Shepard emerge from the med bay and begin heading towards me.
"I'm glad you're okay, commander. The crew could use some good news after what happened to Jenkins." His face darkened at that memory and I kicked myself for bringing it up so callously.
"Jenkins was a valuable part of this crew." he intoned in a falsely calm voice.
"Part of me feels guilty over what happened. If Jenkins was still alive, I might not be here."
Frowning at my words I was afraid he'd agree with me but he simply said, "You're a good soldier, Williams. You belong on the Normandy."
"Thanks, Commander. That means a lot from you." Maybe what Alenko said was true; so far everyone was very supportive, except that devil woman Chakwas. Pushing aside that uncomfortable memory I realized that Shepard was still in front of me, and looking at me very closely.
His voice soft he continued, "Things were pretty rough down there. Are you okay?"
After having assured Shepard that I was as good as could be expected I felt the need to thank him for taking the time to talk to me, even though he had his own sorrow with Jenkin's death. "Thanks Commander. I have to admit, I was a little worried about being assigned to the Normandy, it's nice when someone makes you feel welcome."
Shepard nodded as he continued to look me in the eyes. Finally he said, "I know what you're going through."
Seeing Ashley's skeptical look at that statement Shepard appeared to feel that his credibility was on the line and explained. "I'm from Mindoir." Seeing my understanding he went on, "As I was saying, losing everyone and finding yourself surrounded by strangers isn't easy. But please, do not seclude yourself; this ship is now your family and we will help you get through this. You never need to be alone here, find me or anyone else whenever you need to talk; though I do suggest avoiding Joker for any topic more serious than complaining about the rations."
Shepard was torn up, the whole crew was but especially Shepard. For the second time my place on the Normandy, at his side, was only possible because of the death of another. First Jenkins and now Kaidan had died with me reaping the benefits of their deaths each time; the crew must hate me, Shepard must hate me. I sat in solitude by the weapons lockers wanting to talk to someone, but of the two crewmembers I knew best one was dead because of me and the other knew who was to blame for his death and surely wouldn't want to help me.
Hearing familiar footsteps approaching me I tensed before forcing myself to feign indifference as I continued to clean guns. Hearing him stop behind me my heart plummeted expecting him at best to inform me that I was being transferred off the Normandy, at worst that he would explicitly blame me for Alenko's death agreeing with me that I should have been the one to die on Virmire. While I ordinarily loved to hear Shepard agree with me I would rather not hear him echo that sentiment.
"How are you holding up?" his voice, full of concern, asked.
I turn to him confused at his line of questioning before I decide he must be looking for an excuse that would allow him to apply me for a discharge. My first response is to lie and say I'm fine, but then I decide that if he wants me off his ship I'll go; there would be no reason to stay, so I tell the truth.
"Can't say I'm better, I just don't want any deaths on my hands and…it's my fault." There, now he has the excuse he needs to get me of his ship.
Shepard stepped towards me as I tried to not flinch away while he spoke, his voice full of the expected anger pouring over me, "Williams, listen to me. I'm in command of this mission, I made the call. Not you. He's dead because of me."
As he speaks I can smell alcohol on his breath and looking up I notice his bloodshot eyes and their unusually small pupils. I look at him in shock; he blames himself, not me. As he walks away I begin to silently cry realizing that I'd let him down, he needed comfort, reassurance and I was sitting down here abandoning him. A few audible sobs escape me and echo through the storage deck as I promise to never fail him again. My reverie is broken as the damn krogan hears me and simply shakes his massive head, "Humans. Soft."
Most of the crew was celebrating, and why not, after all they had just killed a Reaper, saved the council, the Citadel, and the whole galaxy- all at the same time. Not a bad day's work I thought, smiling. Waiting outside the med bay where Chakwas had finished patching me up I saw Shepard finally come out of the med bay with his arm in a sling. As I watched him cross the mess heading towards his cabin my smile widened remembering last night as we waited to reach Ilos. Not a bad day at all.
Deciding to check up on the commander's injured arm I followed him to his cabin, I'd always enjoyed victory sex. Smiling I entered the room to see Shepard sitting at his desk staring blankly at his computer. As I approached him my smile faltered as he continued to ignore me; finally I was standing right behind him but something about his body language warned me against playfully covering his eyes while kissing his neck as I had intended.
"Shepard?" I quietly asked.
After a moment he emerged from his thoughts and seemed to notice me for the first time. "Ashley, what are you doing here? You should be celebrating with the rest of the crew; that was a hell of a battle, you've earned it."
Frowning at Shepard's dispassionate voice I settled myself on his bed trying to figure out what was wrong. The silence lengthened and became uncomfortable until I finally broke it. "I do want to celebrate the victory, with you."
A brief smile graced his face hearing this and he finally turned from his computer to look at me. The smile vanished as he seemed considered his words before he spoke. "I'm not in much of a celebratory mood, Ash. Go join the crew; I'll come by in a little bit."
"I don't think so, Skipper. I'm celebrating with you; so, unless you tell me what's bothering you so that we can work it out together, than it looks like neither of us will be joining the celebrations today." I replied giving him a cheeky smirk.
"Leave me alone, Ashley." he tiredly sighed.
"No, remember that whole 'the Normandy is a family' thing? Well, even though what we did before Ilos would technically be illegal between relatives I'm still here. Now, tell me what's bothering you." My tone serious I hoped the joke would help him relax and open up to me. It seemed to work as Shepard shifted uncomfortably before speaking.
"I gave the order, the one that sent thousands of Alliance personnel to their deaths saving the damn Council. I should have focused them on Sovereign, casualties would have been avoided if I kept our forces united rather than sending some off the save that worthless Council." pausing he drew in a shaky breath before continuing, "It's my fault, my responsibility that the geth destroyed those Alliance ships and their crews."
I stood and walked towards Shepard grabbing his uninjured arm and dragged him towards the bed pulling him down to sit next to me. Still holding his hand I thought of what to say that could ease that pain. Simply saying 'it's not your fault' wouldn't suffice, I needed to formulate an argument that would convince Shepard he had done the right thing.
"I would have made the same decision, Commander. The Alliance lost a lot of men, true, but they were soldiers and they did their duty. Maybe the Council wasn't worth their lives but the crews of the turian fleet and the Destiny Ascension were fellow soldiers and in return for several thousand lives your decision saved tens of thousands aboard damaged ships the geth were about to destroy. Hell, there were ten thousand asari aboard the Destiny Ascension, that alone outnumbers the Alliance's casualties. You saved your fellow soldiers, the Council just happened to be saved as well. You did nothing wrong, there is nothing to regret. The dead's sacrifice was not in vain, now all we can do is honor the memory of the fallen."
Hoping my words were effective I waited anxiously for Shepard's reaction. It did not take long as I felt his good arm circle my waist pressing me against him as he spoke seriously. "Thank you, Ash. Of course you're right; I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else. Thank you for not leaving me alone."
I squeaked in surprise as I felt his arm, which had left my waist, grab my shoulder and drag me down onto my back as he, too, fell backwards onto the bed. Before I could protest Shepard had sprung onto his knees and was straddling my waist looking down at me as he moved his face towards mine.
"You might not be my sister, but perhaps you can be an appropriately distant cousin." he chuckled before his lips found mine.
Ashley woke up as the doctor called her name informing her that their hour was up. Torn from her dreams Ashley quickly wiped stray tears from her eyes hoping the doctor didn't notice, if he did he at least had the decency to not comment on it. As Ashley reached the door she paused turning her head back to the room, roughly trying to swallow past the knot which had formed in her throat.
"I feel guilty." Ashley managed.
"I know, I'll talk to you tomorrow, Ashley. Remember, you don't have to do this alone; you're family loves you, your squad cares for you, and I'm here …let us help you."
Ashley turned and was out the door before the doctor could see her tears burst their banks and flow down her cheeks.