ANIMULA

"Ash, is that you?"

"For God's sake, what are you doing here?" came the exasperated response.

"I, I…ah, look I just wanted to tell you that I missed you. I'm sorry; I should have found some way to contact you sooner than Horizon." Shepard hesitantly began, offering an olive branch.

"I'm glad you didn't reach me, it gave me a few extra weeks of believing you had died a hero. Instead I find out that rather than going down with the ship the commander lets his crew die as he betrays them." she replied taking the branch and stabbing him with it.

"I didn't betray anyone, you have to believe m; I did die with the ship."

"Yet here you are…and with Cerberus." Ashley replied coldly.

"I know it looks bad but I explained it on Horizon…Look, Ash I love you; that hasn't changed, I haven't changed. Isn't there some way I can turn back the clock to when you felt the same?" he begged.

"Yes, there is."

Hope swelling within him Shepard began to smile, "How? Just tell me what do I need to do."

"Die again. I loved you when you were dead; if only you were dead you'd be the man I loved again."

"Okay, Ashley, I can do that for you."

"He's waking up!"

Shepard felt pain burning through him, again. Opening his eyes he tried to blink away the blurriness that fogged his vision as he reached a hand up to explore the cause of the painful sensations playing across his face. A hand gently but firmly restrained his wandering arm urging him to remain still.

Mind emerging from an opiate induced haze Shepard panicked at the all too familiar situation he found himself in. Somehow he just knew that a woman…Miranda, that's her name…would hover over him urging him to relax even as the tension in the room intensified to match his increasing pain. Sure enough, a figure appeared at the edge of his vision calling frantically to an unseen figure.

"God damn it, not again!" Shepard roared as he forced himself upright against the restraining hands. Pain shot through him as the movement of this mouth tore open freshly formed scar tissue. Squeezing his eyes shut against the pain Shepard slumped back to the surface he had been lying on.

"Please, not again. I can't help you, let me rest." he begged to the room.

"Shepard, calm down. Everything's all right, you're going to be okay." came a familiar voice, a voice that did not match up with his earlier memories of awakening.

"It's the Hallex withdrawal, the sedation was masking it until he woke up." a second voice stated.

Once more opening his eyes Shepard's vision had cleared enough to make out the figures around his bed as those belonging to Tali and Dr. Chakwas. Confusion ran through him; wasn't this supposed to be a Cerberus base, and where was Miranda shouldn't she be here for this part? Shepard was torn out of his musing as he felt something gripping his ribs tightly and resting on his chest.

"Keelah, thank the Ancestors you're alright. We've been so worried about you, haven't we doctor?"

Looking down at the top of Tali's shrouded helmet and then craning his neck to see Chakwas Shepard slowly allowed his mind to accept that this was reality. He reached down taking Tali's shoulders and pushing her up off him as he sat upright. Slowly memories began to return to him; Ashley's letter, alcohol and drugs, and finally the pistol. Shepard realized he should be surprised that he was alive, but somehow it felt to him as if to expect anything else was merely wishful thinking. Opening his mouth Shepard slowly reached his hand up to try and figure out just what went wrong with his attempted suicide.

Seeing his movement and confused look Chakwas gently held Shepard's hand stopping it from reaching the newly reopened wound on his face as she told Tali to bring 'her' in. Having allowed Chakwas to lower his arm Shepard looked up to see Kelly quickly enter the room followed closely followed by Tali.

"Shepard, how do you feel?" Kelly inquired brightly, too brightly for Shepard's current mood.

"I'm alive." he responded flatly.

"Yes you are, and you have Tali to thank for that; and the doctor's hard work of course." Kelly quickly added as she nodded at the pair of women dismissing them from the room. After one last survey of the medical equipment Chakwas left followed by a reluctant Tali. Making sure the door was closed Kelly returned her attention to Shepard.

"You don't sound happy that you're alive. Want to talk about it?"

"Leave me alone." Shepard brusquely replied.

"If you want; but please, before I leave tell me why you did this to yourself."

"No, you are not my friend or even a doctor tying to help me. You're a Cerberus spy and your type has caused me enough pain without continuing to harass me."

Kelly had expected this sort of attitude and was not put off, making one last appeal as she headed for the door, "Shepard, many would view this as a transformative moment, a second chance as it were."

"That's the problem; it was my second chance I wanted to end."

Every time Shepard woke up over the next few days there was someone in the room with him. This was an annoyance when Shepard thought it was merely coincidental but as time went on it became infuriating as he began to suspect that coincidence had nothing to do with it and that he had been placed on suicide watch. As this continued it became ever more infuriating because they were right, and with them around there was no way to up the IV drip's sedative without the watcher noticing. While different people seemed to take turns watching over him the majority of the times Shepard woke up it was either Kelly, Chakwas, or, most commonly, Tali making sure he didn't kill himself.

One afternoon Shepard awoke to find Kelly sitting in a chair reading, wearing her uniform with its prominently displayed Cerberus logo. His frustration boiling over Shepard began to speak, the sound of his voice startling Kelly. "Why are you, or someone else, always here, Kelly?"

"Well, we thought it would be best if you weren't alone right now." she answered carefully.

Snorting derisively Shepard continued, "That's not what I meant. I know I'm on suicide watch, what I want to know is why you're so determined to stop me from ending my life on my own terms."

"Because there are so many more things for you to do in your life, if we let you leave now you could never achieve what you're meant to." Kelly replied, seemingly truthfully.

"Fair enough, Kelly." So, it's as I thought. Cerberus wants me alive until I complete the missions they lay out before me; Illusive Man isn't one to waste a tool, and I'm still useful until the Reapers are destroyed and he is in control of the pieces remaining after their assault.

Just then the door hissed open and Dr. Chakwas entered nodding to Kelly and then looking over to Shepard. "Ah, Commander, it's good to see you awake. How are you feeling today?" she asked professionally.

"Hello, doctor. I just asked Kelly but I'd like to hear your answer as well; why are you so intent on keeping me alive?"

Hiding her surprise at the question quickly Chakwas glanced towards Kelly who gave her a small shrug as she stood to leave the room. Returning her attention to Shepard Chakwas began speaking, "I suppose because it's my duty and instinct as a healer. That combined with respect you earned hunting Saren and Sovereign and I owe it to you to keep you alive through your mental breakdown."

Shepard nodded as he once again rested his head on the pillow and closed his eyes ignoring the doctor's worried stare. That makes sense; make sure no harm comes to the patient even to the point of protecting the patient from himself. Spoken like a true professional.

Waking again several hours later Shepard saw that apparently Chakwas' shift was over and now Tali was back on duty. Deciding to continue his previous inquiries Shepard addressed Tali, "Hello Tali, I was wondering why you've been spending so much time in here making sure I don't kill myself."

"Well…I, I guess because I don't want you to die, again, Shepard." Tali hesitantly answered.

"But I want to die, why do you think you know better than me what I should do?" Shepard continued to probe.

"You…You don't really mean that. The Shepard I knew wouldn't give up like this!"

"So, you're saving the Shepard you knew. What makes you think I'm still that man? I've seen how you've reacted to my actions; you wish that you'd never joined me after Haestrom, I haven't acted like I used to. You know I'm not the man you think wouldn't kill himself, so why still pretend that I'm him?" asked Shepard, enjoying the discomfort these questions brought to Tali.

"I guess I don't believe that the man I knew is completely gone. Sometimes you still act like him; you still help the crew with their problems. And you have saved me again, twice."

"That's because I wanted a strong team for the mission, not because I care about this group of misfits, and saving you was also for the mission." he replied coldly.

"No, I, I can't… I don't believe that. I won't believe that. If you didn't care for anyone why would you even care about the mission's success or failure?" Tali frantically asked as her voice choked up at his harsh words, though whether she was trying to convince Shepard or herself more was unclear to her.

"I tried to kill myself, Tali. Obviously I don't care about the mission that much."

"But you did care before you're attempt if that was your reason for helping your squad. What changed that?" she pressed, though through her involvement with Ashley's letter Tali was sure she already knew the answer.

"Nothing's changed. I just finally reached a decision about this 'second chance' I've been forced into." Shepard answered, his voice sounding hollow even to his ears.

"That's only half true, isn't it? You have reached a decision, but it's because something did change; you are not now and never have been indecisive so it wouldn't have taken you months to decide you no longer cared. And I think I know the reason for the change. After Horizon you became less yourself than before, and now this time I find you in your cabin drunk and bleeding with Ashley's picture in front of you. Something happened with her again, didn't it? Something that made you quit caring about the mission and try to kill yourself." Tali gushed in one pent-up breath.

Only silence answered Tali as the sun set behind the nearby city skyline. Finally Dr. Chakwas returned to the med bay relieving Tali of her watch over Shepard. As Tali stood to leave Shepard finally spoke, "I guess I'll see you later, Tali. Goodnight."

A/N: Just a short, quick chapter that was too long to include into my last chapter and doesn't fit the next one. I'm rapidly approaching a crossroads for the story and would like your, the reader's, input. There are three endings I have in mind for this story that I can't choose between. Please, in your reviews let me know if you want a dark ending, downright disturbing one, or even a fluffy happy one. If there is an overwhelming preference among those willing to take the time to review it might influence me. Otherwise I'll have to choose myself, and I can't so far…all the endings I'm thinking of are good in their own ways.