Notes: Massive thank you to Mari and Sammy, as always, for your help, feedback, and encouragement. And Sammy, who used her superpower once again to come up with a title. (Titles seem to be my own personal kryptonite.) More at the end, but once again, you two are the absolute best.
Thanks to Esther for your enthusiastic support and constant refrain of "I'm not worried." :-)
Readers and REAL McRollers – I am constantly thrilled by and grateful for your amazing levels of support and enthusiasm. We truly have the best readers I could possibly imagine.
Hope you enjoy!
The Path Home (A McRoll in the REAL World Story)
"So your first real week of work has been good?" Steve asked as he and Cody walked on the pavement along the beach after finishing lunch.
"Yeah," Cody replied. "I've been learning where everything goes. How the backroom is organized, you know. There's this guy . . . Raymond, he's worked there a while. He's, like . . . twenty. He's been training me."
"Good," Steve said. "And you like it?"
"Yeah, everyone there has been really nice."
"That's great. I was in there the other day. Jirou said you've been picking things up real quick. No surprise there."
Cody looked at him, his expression showed he was clearly pleased at the compliment. His gaze went forward again, but a small smile stayed on his face.
"Did you get in touch with Jess?" Steve asked, changing the subject.
Cody's smile dropped, and he winced a little self-consciously, glancing at Steve out of the corner of his eye.
"Not yet," he said.
"What are you waiting for?"
Cody shrugged.
"You do want to hang out with her, right?" Steve pressed.
"Yeah," Cody said quickly, then his shoulder slumped with a sigh. "I just . . . I don't really . . . know what to say."
" 'What to say'?" Steve repeated, raising an eyebrow. "It's not a marriage proposal. Just . . ." He thought for a moment, then waved a hand and said, "Tell her it was good to see her at the mall."
Cody looked over at him. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. You're just . . . breaking the ice, so to speak," Steve said. "Hang on." He stopped walking and took out his phone. "Here." He offered it to Cody. "Use my phone. You can get to Facebook on there."
Cody's eyebrows shot up in alarm. "Now?"
"Yeah, now. It's already been a week. What are you waiting for?" Steve asked again.
Swallowing, Cody took the phone gingerly. Steve motioned him over to a recently vacated bench, and they sat. Steve put his hands behind his head and looked out at the water as the teen searched for Jess' profile and began composing a short message.
After three attempts, he was finally satisfied with the content. He hit send and slumped back against the bench, letting out the breath he'd been holding.
Steve looked at him and dropped his arms. "Okay?"
"Yeah, I . . ." Cody logged out of his account and handed the phone back. "I said it was good to see her and asked how the movie was."
Steve smiled as he pocketed his phone. "Good. That's a good start. And putting a question in there encourages her to answer."
"Mr. Ko has an old computer in the breakroom. And Mom said we're getting one at the new house, too. So I can check if she messages back."
"She will," Steve said confidently. "I don't think you'll have to wait too long."
Cody fought a full-blown grin at that, looking down.
"Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Steve asked, his lip quirking up in a half smile.
Cody looked at him skeptically.
Steve laughed at his expression and put a hand on his shoulder, giving him a little shake.
"Ah, I'm teasing you," he said and sat back. "I get it. You like her . . . so you want to say the right thing. That's 'cause you're a good guy." He looked at Cody. "But I'm gonna let you in on a secret." He shook his head. "There's no one right thing to say. There's just being yourself."
Cody nodded.
"That being said," Steve continued with a rueful smile. "There's plenty of wrong things to say."
"Jadon's pretty good at those."
Steve laughed heartily. "I believe that."
Cody grinned back, then his expression turned more serious.
"When you . . . when you do say something wrong . . . or do something wrong . . ." He trailed off, and Steve waited for him to finish. "What do you do then?"
"You make it right," Steve said earnestly. "You apologize, and you hope she forgives you."
Cody studied Steve's face and saw the solemn look in his eyes that only comes from firsthand knowledge. He paused before changing the subject slightly.
"You said earlier . . . I mean, I know you were joking to make a point or whatever but . . . have you ever asked . . . er . . . are you . . . are you gonna marry Catherine?"
Steve huffed a laugh. "You jumpin' on that bandwagon, too, huh?"
" 'Too'?"
"Get in line," Steve said with a wry smile. "It's pretty full."
There was a pause, and when Steve didn't say anything else, Cody asked, "Well?"
Steve chuckled at his persistence. He sighed. "You remember I said every relationship is different?"
"Yeah."
"Every relationship has to follow its own path," Steve said, and his expression was once again serious. "Catherine and I are on our path. That's where we're headed, but . . . how we get there . . . and when . . . that's up to us. We're enjoying the life we have right now."
Later that evening, Steve sat out back in one of the Adirondack chairs. His gaze was on the water but unfocused, and he draped his arm over the chair, absently running his fingers along Cammie's back as she lay on the grass beside him.
Cody's question from earlier, "Are you gonna marry Catherine?," had him thinking about how often he'd heard something similar, particularly in the last few months. It had him thinking about his answers: "We'll get there," and "Eventually." And it had him thinking about a time when that same question, or one similar, didn't produce the light laugh and sure smile that it did now. A time when his future didn't feel so certain, and he'd done something that had nearly ruined it.
Iraq 2008
"Talk to Hart about that," Al Cuzzi was saying to Mike Kramer as they sat with several of their teammates at a table eating. He motioned toward Freddie with his utensil. "Seems he's apologizing to his girl for saying something stupid every other week."
"Yeah," Kyle 'Hoss' Simmons agreed, turning with a grin to Freddie. "You know, you are kinda the expert."
Freddie balked and looked at Steve for backup.
"Don't look at me," Steve said, his lip curling slightly as he shook his head. "They're right."
Freddie started to deny it, then sighed and gave an exaggerated shrug.
"What can I say? Yeah, we argue," he admitted. His face split into a wide grin. "We have a very . . . passionate . . . relationship."
"Would you listen to that shi–" Mike started.
"Oh, shut up," Al groaned and threw his empty styrofoam cup at Freddie who laughed. He crushed the cup in his hand and tossed it back on the table between them.
"Bet McGarrett over there has no idea what we're talking about," Hoss said with a chin tilt in Steve's direction. "Smooth Dog's never been in the doghouse."
Steve quirked an eyebrow, but didn't answer, instead putting a fork full of food in his mouth.
"What I don't get," Al began, "is this thing you've got with Rollins." He waved a hand. "I mean, I get why you're with Rollins, who doesn't? But what I don't get is why you're draggin' your heels there."
"Yeah, I thought you'd've married her by now," Mike agreed.
Steve swallowed, uneasy at being the focus of his teammates' scrutiny, except for Freddie who was eating and seemed to be only half paying attention to the conversation.
"I have it on good authority," Al continued with a nod toward Freddie, "that you haven't so much as looked at another girl since you and Rollins got together."
"Before that," Freddie put in around a mouthful of food.
"So what are you waiting for?" Al asked.
Steve shifted uncomfortably.
"When did this become about me?" he asked in an attempt to deflect the conversation. "What about Freddie and Kelly? They've known each other even longer."
"Kelly . . . currently hates me . . ." Freddie said off-handedly. He took a bite and continued, "Makes it a little hard to propose."
"If anyone could do it, though . . ." Hoss said with a laugh, and Freddie, Al, and Mike joined him.
The conversation veered back to Mike's current problem with his fiancée, and if any of Steve's teammates noticed he was silent through the rest of the meal, they didn't mention it.
That night Steve lay in his bunk, wide awake and restless. Bits of the earlier conversation played in his head on a loop, and he couldn't seem to turn them off.
"This thing you've got with Rollins . . ."
"Draggin' your heels . . ."
"Thought you'd have married her by now . . ."
"What are you waiting for . . .?"
"This thing you've got . . ."
"Draggin' your heels . . ."
"Thought you'd have married her . . ."
It certainly wasn't the first time someone had made the suggestion. He'd met her extended family at her father's retirement, and there had been a few questions asked and hints dropped. Friends who knew they'd been together for almost ten years mentioned it. A lot of their peers were married or engaged. Even his father had asked in an awkward way on one of their infrequent phone calls.
He had always supposed it came with the territory and brushed it off because the one place the suggestion had never come from was Catherine. She seemed happy with their relationship. He really thought she was. Granted they didn't see each often but they did talk. And he knew her well enough to know she'd say something if she wasn't happy.
Steve tossed the sheet off his body and sat up. He swiveled on his bunk and put his legs over the side, leaning forward on his knees and rubbing his hands over his face.
He just wasn't at a place in his life where he could be married. And he knew, or thought he knew, that she would wait. But that wasn't fair to her. His life was dangerous. Uncertain. He was reminded of that fact with every mission.
And even taking that out of the equation . . .
He may never be able to give her the kind of relationship . . . the kind of commitment she deserved. He was essentially asking her to put her life on hold for him.
That wasn't fair.
It wasn't fair to her.
And he cared too much about her to treat her unfairly, even if being with her was the brightest part of his life. Even if the thought of her kept him going when he was at his lowest.
It wasn't fair to her.
He should end it. It would hurt in the short term, but she'd be better off. And he . . . he'd get through it somehow.
It was for the best.
Steve cringed as he heard his father's voice in his head saying those same words to him.
Running his hands through his hair, he looked up and inhaled deeply.
He should end it. It was the right thing to do.
He exhaled a shaky breath. Leaning on his knees again, he pressed his thumb and middle finger to his eyes to wipe the tears that had formed.
So why did it feel so wrong?
Steve knew Catherine had returned when Cammie stood and moved toward the house. He heard the backdoor open and close, heard Catherine greet their happy dog, then her quiet footfalls as she headed down the stone path they had built together.
He didn't turn immediately when she sat in the chair beside his. Knowing she'd read his face, he stayed quiet as he moved fully out of his memory.
"You want to talk about it?" she asked quietly.
And there it was. Another example of how very well she knew him.
He looked at her, a small smile on his face.
"We joke a lot about how much I owe you," he said. "All the favors you've done for me over the years." He shook his head. "But there's one thing I can never repay."
Her brow knitted as she waited for him to continue.
His voice was quiet when he asked, "Do you have any idea what you did that night in Bangkok?"
"Steve–" she started with a little sigh.
"But it's more than that night," he continued. "It was the years before that. And since. For all these years, you . . . you've always known . . . how we work. You've known even when I didn't."
She shook her head and smiled softly. "I've told you before, I don't regret anything about the path our relationship has taken. Even when it hurt."
"Yeah," he said quietly.
"You say you owe me but . . . I've only ever done what felt right for us."
"And that . . ." He reached for her hand. "That right there . . . that's what I mean. That's what so amazing. And that's what I have to thank you for."
In the years since that night alone in his bunk, he had learned that for her, it wasn't about waiting for him. She had always known what he had eventually come to understand. They followed their own path. And along that path were spots that were right for them.
Their life was full and right just as it was. But that didn't mean they were finished. And that didn't mean it wouldn't change in the future. Marriage. A family. They would do those things. And that would be full and right in a different way. Further along the path. Their path.
It may not have been conventional, but it was theirs.
He realized he had been running his thumb along the base of her ring finger. Smiling at the subconscious action, he continued the motion for a moment and then squeezed her hand.
"How was the movie?" he asked. His expression morphed into a teasing smile. "What was it called? The Voices in Your Head?"
She rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "Inside Out. And it was really good. The kids loved it."
"Yeah?"
"I think you would have liked it . . ." she said. "Once you got over the individual emotions having emotions."
His brow knitted as he thought about that. "Wait . . . what?"
She shook her head and stood.
"That was a pretty conspicuous spot you were rubbing, sailor," she said and flexed the fingers of her left hand. "Don't think I didn't notice."
He quirked an eyebrow and tried for an innocent smile. "Was it?"
She smiled and nodded toward the house. "Let's get dinner. I'm hungry."
She held out her hand in invitation. He stood without hesitation and took it, interlacing their fingers as they walked hand-in-hand back up the path to their home together.
Note: I owe a huge, huge thank you to Sammy not only for the title, but for graciously allowing me to do this prequel of sorts to her magnificent Righting a Wrong. And to Mari for her amazing support during this week of huge changes for her. The generosity you both consistently show makes me so grateful to have you in my life.
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