Sonic's Last Bet
All the characters have fun differently? What happens when someone bets that they couldn't have fun with every other member of the gang and still keep their sanity? Insanity, thats what!
I don't own my own ass, much less Sonic. If I did own Sonic, this is the kind of stuff that would happen to Sonic on a daily basis. "Thank you Sega for owning me, and not selling me to Radman! Thank you!"
I do not own any meaninful ideas. It's true.
When I write a word, and it's followed by (?), even I'm not sure how it's physically possible.
I know I haven't updated in a long time, but I had several issues, and in addition, I'm getting tired of writing mediocre, humorless comedy fics that receive flame reviews, and reviews where half the words are "lol". There will be a maximum of three more chapters after this one.
Btw, this could very well be the last chapter, and it was torture to try to get this out. However, I might be more inclined to finish the fic properly, were you all to check out my new, more serious fic, Radman Remix: Sonic Adventure 2. Sadly, it hasn't done well. :( I'm not going to take it or any other stories off site, but just consider, I was cranking out a chapter every other day, and I'm not working on other things. A bad reception is better than no reception, at least you know not to continue. But I'm kind of reluctant to continue with little feedback. Please head over and drop me a line.
Chapter 12: Big the Cat
Sonic woke up with the immediate inclination to go out for breakfast. And so, tiptoeing out of the house Indiana Jones style between chainsaw volume level snores emanating from the upper floor, he snuck out while Knuckles was still sleeping.
Deciding to take a day off the bet entirely and rest, he began to look for a restaurant where he wan't likely to bump into any of his so called "friends".
"Hmm… vastly unpopular joint? Nah, Shadow will be hanging out there for sure… Vastly girly place? No… Amy's sure to be there… A ha! I've got it! Vastly cliched retro reference place!" he decided, as he made his way for a 60's breakfast joint called the "Hip Disco Hotcakes to Go!"
Once inside, he discovered that everyone there had ugly, oversized afros, with the exception of one person, whose head was squeaky bald.
"Eggman?" Sonic said in surprise at seeing Eggman eating in a 60's diner.
"Um… I'm not Eggman, I'm just a guy who looks uncannily like Eggman!" he said desperately.
"Oh really? If you're not Eggman, then explain the theory of quantum gravity of dark matter!" Sonic baited.
"Well, its really quite simple. Dark matter only attracts deperbulous matter with a ratio of mass to energy on a scale of the speed of light to pi. Therefore, the matt-" he began saying, before he realized that Sonic had caught him.
"Ha! It has to be you Egghead, only you would know that kind of lame nerd stuff!" Sonic boasted.
"Oh really? Well how's this for lame nerd stuff!" he said, as he pushed a button that summoned a giant robot from out of the floor (?).
"You want breakfast? Prepare to face my greatest creation yet, the Egg Pancake, with built in butter cannons! Muhahaha!" Eggman cackled as he jumped into the cockpit of the "Egg Pancake".
"Ha! Let's see what you got!" Sonic cockily replied as Eggman attacked with his giant robotic pancake. He rolled at Sonic as high speeds, but Sonic brandished a fork, stabbing at the soft material, and cleaving off a huge chunk. He then proceeded to stuff the chunk in his mouth.
"What! No! How did you discover my machine's weakness?" Eggman said in disbelief.
"Uh... it couldn't possibly have been the giant flashing neon sign on the back of the robot that outlays your machines' only weakness, now could it?" Sonic shot back in reply.
"No, you're right, that can't be it..." Eggman said in all seriousness, "Was it the fact that I attacked you with a pancake in a pancake house..." he continued to ponder stupidly.
"No! It was that the weakness was totally obvious! I can just eat it if its food!" Sonic yelled in frustrated reply is he spun into and ruptured Eggman's butter tanks, spilling the butter all over the giant pancake.
Meanwhile, outside, they were adding to the sign. The painter added to the original "Hip Disco Hotcakes to Go!", with an additional, "Home of the 700,000,000 pound pancake!"
Back inside, Sonic and the other restaurant goers had completely devoured Eggman's ridiculous creation, leaving him sitting in a mound of butter.
"No, no, no, no! How could this have happened again? Mark my words Sonic, I-" Eggman began, before he was interrupted by a ball of butter impacting him right in his open mouth. Seeing as there was no snow, the restaurant customers had begun a butterball fight instead of a snowball fight. It was 30% less fun and 847% more disgusting.
Just as it seemed Eggman would get even fatter than he already was from being long-distance force fed so much butter, Knuckles burst through the door in an Indiana Jones style hat, with a sawed off double barrel shotgun.
"Alright, party's over boys, I'm takin' you in." Knuckles said in a gruff, texan accent.
"Muphles, fank groodness your frere, I cran bfrarely fralk, frum ouf-" Eggman began to mutter, butter spilling out of his mouth like an avalanche.
"Can it, fatso, you're goin' to the big house!" Knuckles said with an evil glimmer in his eye, "Where is the retarded blue yugoslavian?"
"You mean this retarded blue yugoslavian?" a random person asked as they indicated an actual retarded blue yugoslavian.
"No, the other retarded blue yugoslavian!" Knuckles said, his former texan accent completely gone.
"Murph urph gloah reburb!" Eggman began to interject, massive quantities of butter still erupting from his jowls, before Knuckles whirled around and duct taped his mouth shut.
"He's over there!" an indian person with half a bite of pancake in their mouth and a droplet of butter sliding down the side of their head answered, as he indicated Sonic, who was curled up in a fetal position in the corner.
"What happened to you?" Knuckles asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Too... much... butter..." Sonic muttered, his eyes wide, "I'll... get... heart... disease!"
"Ah shut up ya lilly livered, yella bellied, no good, ass kissin, french speakin, yodelin, spam earin, butter throwin, no good, one eyed, fart brained, retarded son of a homosexual aardvark!" Knuckles said in his previous texan accent, "You're a disgrace to morons everywhere!"
With this, Knuckles grabbed Sonic by the arm, and pulled him on the slippery surface of the butter coating the floor, and out of the building. Forgetting Eggman, and leaving him to suffocate with the tape covering his mouth, Knuckles dragged Sonic across the pavement, across endless searing hot beaches, fields of thorn bushes, acres of spinach fields, and three inches of cacti.
When they had returned to Knuckle's house, and Sonic had gotten over the highly traumatic incident of the butterball fight and Eggman's fatness, Knuckles prepared to tell Sonic who he had to entertain.
"I hope its not a difficult as the last one, Flames really gave me a run for my money!" Sonic groaned, remembering back to last chapter, about six months ago.
"Those were the days..." Sonic said in nostalgia.
"Why were those the days? Those were terrible times! George W. Bush was president, I lost my TV remote, and to top it off, I ripped my hippy pajamas!"
"Okay, Knuckles, not only does the state of the world NOT revolve around the condition of your personal possessions, but amazingly, back when Bush was president, the economy was fine!"
"Gas prices were horrible! And you can't blame Barack Obama for a problem that arose when he wasn't even in office yet!" Knuckles countered.
"Oh yeah, well you're stupid!" Sonic retorted.
SILENCE! I will hear no more of your endless bickering! Who really gives a CENSORED? I mean, at least its not worse! And you two, arguing like children over something you clearly don't have enough intellect to understand! So shut up and get on with it!
"You shut up!" Sonic snapped, apparently forgetting that I am god of the universe.
What! You dare to disrespect the mighty author, THE RADMAN! I am the Radman, that's what I am! Do not question my authority, or I shall smite you! Are we clear?
"...Crystal..." Sonic peeped out meekly after my thunderous bellow.
And to punish you for you insolence, for the rest of this chapter, you shall take on the form of... a frog!
"What? Noooooooooooo!!" Sonic screamed as he shrunk, turned green, and developed several warts. Soon, he was fully transformed into a frog.
"Knuckles, what do I do?" Sonic croaked.
"Not my problem. Proceed as planned." Knuckles said with a smirk.
"Jackass!" Sonic muttered.
"Hey, no swearing, little four year olds could be reading this!"
"I meant a donkey of course!" Sonic lied.
"Well, anyways, the person for today is... Big the Cat!" Knuckles announced with a little bit too much pomp and ceremony. Sonic was totally silent, eyes wide.
"Surprisingly, there are only three problems with that. First, Big is dead, he jumped off a cliff into a searing pit of lava. Secondly, I'm not sure if getting butt raped is worth keeping my God damned two hundred dollars!" at that moment, I interrupted him with a,
I now damn this two hundred dollars forever to the twisting nethers of the underworld! Muhahaha! Damn my job is fun!
"AHEM! Now, what was I saying before the big gay author guy had to butt in- oh yeah! And thirdly, I'm... a God damned FROG! He'll think I'm Froggy!"
Man, how ironic is that? I mean, that's almost like some sort of evil force that's like, vying to make your life miserable ordained that in order to make you suffer. Almost like it was planned or something!
"Yeah, that is funny!" Knuckles said dumbly, not correctly interpreting the overly obvious sarcasm in my voice.
"How am I going to entertain a dead person?" Sonic shrugged.
"Well, you've used up all your "get out of hell free" cards, so we'll have to try something else." Knuckles pondered.
It's quite simple actually! I said, before I began whispering in Knuckles' ear.
Six hours later, a blindfolded Sonic was led, bumping into all manner of objects, including a conveniently placed chimpanzee who suffers from separation anxiety, into the living room, where his blindfold was removed, allowing him to see...
"Robo-Big?" Sonic said in disbelief, as Knuckles shook his head in disappointment, and Eggman proudly displayed his latest creation.
"Actually, it's Ultimate Neo Metal Big, or Metal Big for short. I've programmed him to behave exactly like Big the Cat, including fishing, chasing Froggy, being fat, being gay, and carrying hideous umbrellas!" Eggman exclaimed with delight.
"Oh goody..." Sonic, who was still a frog, replied with a frown.
"And of course, my own personal touch! After all, what Eggman robot would be complete without a "KILL SONIC AT ALL COSTS" program? This robot is programmed to avoid being entertained at all costs. If you don't keep the robot entertained, it will explode, showering you in mashed potatoes. Once you are covered in mashed potatoes, the robot will then proceed to make gravy! Then, it will pour the gravy on you! Finally, it will feed you to a shark that has been fed only mashed potatoes and gravy." Eggman said as though it were the most brilliant and simple plot ever.
"Uh huh..." Sonic said, not entirely convinced that the robot as dangerous.
"Duh, okays lets goes!" the robotic copy of Big said in that same stupid way.
"Incredible accurate copy..." Sonic said with a sly smile.
"Duh, Fwoggy, twere you war!" the robot said as it began to chase the frog-Sonic. Unfortunately, Sonic was not as fast as a frog, so he had trouble keeping away from the incredibly fat robot.
"Fwoggy, come back! I wants to rapes yous!" The ridiculously realistic Big copy said as artificial drool drizzled down its artificial lip, artificially.
"Never! Stop it, stop it, I give!" Sonic said, but for once, no-one was listening to see if he would give up. They were all in the other room watching the Dark Knight.
"Hey Sonic, when you get done being raped and made into a mashed tater casserole, you've got to see this! It's awesome!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!" Knuckles shouted.
"You know, I don't think that the actor who plays batman is actually that great. I mean all he does is make his voice all gruff! C'mon!" Shadow growled, his criticism quickly answered by an angry reply from Knuckles.
"Guys, could you argue about actors later, after we've kept this thing from killing me!" Sonic shouted as he continued to run from the retarded machine.
"Nope, not really." Knuckles replied. However, Shadow wanted Sonic to side with him.
"Hey Moron, if I shut it off, will you side with me?" Shadow said as a dark smirk graced his lips, revealing his sharp canines.
"Whatever you want Shadow! Just shut it off!" Sonic said hysterically.
"Metal Big, please stop." Shadow commanded, causing the mechanical horror to immediately stop its pursuit of Sonic.
"It was that simple! Eggman, you're retarded!" Sonic yelled, exasperated.
"...Well you didn't figure it out did you?" Eggman said with a sneer.
"So I guess I lose, huh?" Sonic said in dismay.
"Actually, this was all just one big prank, Knuckles bet me that you'd quit, and boy was it worth it to see you get chased by that thing!" Shadow revealed.
"….Knuckles..." Sonic seethed.
"Um, I just remembered, I really have to be somewhere!" Knuckles shouted as he rushed off, Sonic in pursuit.
"Heh heh! This will show him to eat my pancake, and throw butter at me, and tape my mouth shut!" Eggman chuckled as he reactivated the Metal Big.
"Duh, I wants to rape you Eggman!" the machine said as it began to chase Eggman.
"No, wait! You're supposed to chase Sonic! Stop!" Eggman said, but to no avail. Unfortunately for him, he had only designed it to shut down once (?).
And now, the only one left who wasn't being chased by someone, Shadow, stood and chuckled, amazed at the stupidity of his friends.
"They're such morons..." he sneered. As he said this, princess Elise came by.
"-Gasp- A hedgehog! I must have sex with it!" She exclaimed, as Shadow's eyes widened in fear.
"No, wait! Stop! Ahhhhhh!" Shadow screamed as Elise tackled him and prepared to rape him.
What were you saying Shadow, I believe it was something about... morons? Happy New Year, Shadow! Muhahahaha!
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Shadow screamed, and all was quiet except for the croaking of a frog and the clucking of a chicken...
What does that have to do with anything? I'm not sure, but while Sonic, Knuckles, Eggman, and Metal Big were disappearing into the horizon, the first hedgehog/human hybrid was being conceived. The last thought that passed through Shadow's mind before the chapter conveniently ended just in time to not get an M rating was,
Man, Rouge is gonna be pissed! and that was that.