Chapter Two

(**)

As soon as he stepped into his abode, his cheer fell somewhat because he knew that these fucking numb-nuts had done something wrong. It was something that was so large in the way of wrong that they were doing Russian roulette via hand game and it was obvious who had lost. It was the one that dropped his poor paper hand and stepped forward, rubbing his hands together carefully and trying to seem much smaller than his bulkiness would allow. It was so silly. Joker was at least two feet shorter than the seven foot behemoth in front of him with decidedly less muscles so the man really should be more confident! Joker grinned and shifted the grocery bag in his grip, watching as the man paused and took a step back.

"Heyyyy, Doc is it?" he tilted his head at the man. If the crying clown mask hadn't been there, he was sure that the man would be grimacing at the moment but why, he was such a nice guy! Joker chuckled low under his breath and stepped toward the man, silently daring him to move away.

"Uh, you call me Doc. We uh prove a hablem—I mean uh, have a problem," the large man stuttered out in a rare show of tongue ties. Joker restrained his giggle and nodded sagely. Doc pulled off his mask to reveal a handsome face almost completely covered in scales. He brought up a hand to wipe away sweat and concentrated on a spot above the greasy green hair rather than the dark eyes attempting to burn through his soul.

"So what's this 'hablem', Doctor Croc?" Joker mocked.

"Somethinggotin," Doc said in a fast blur. Joker blinked at the man, what the Hell was he talking about? Dopey may be slightly crazy but he was the best technician this side of Gotham and knew his security stuff like the back of his scarred hand. Of course, there was the whole thing that the man might just be a nut job after being thoroughly traumatized by… hm, well Joker couldn't quite remember as to what traumatized the man but judging by the huge scar along his neck and curving down his chest the fucker was sloppy because the mute was in Joker's band of freaks rather than six feet deep as the wound suggested.

"What something, don't keep me-uh waiting, Doc." he urged the man to continue, resisting the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose. Honestly, he just got back from Harlequin and Ivy's Grocers, a large splatter of blood stained his casual wear and a good little imposter set up in one of the rooms for a little play. If this big fucking crocodile in front of him didn't say something, he was going to rip his entrails out with a pointy stick through the asshole!

"Well it's… it's a kid." Joker paused as his brain tried to compute what his very stupid henchman had just said. There were very few things that shocked Joker these days if they ever did in the first place. To have this dumb fuck stand in front of him, telling him that a kid had snuck into his secure little home… now, that was mind boggling.

"Do you mean a baby goat?" he asked dumbly but really, it was much more likely that a little baby goat had gotten past his cronies than a child. Doc blinked at him as though he wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh or smack him upside the head. Lucky for him, he chose neither.

"W-no, no! Like a little kid—it looked like a boy but he ran into the place right there and none of us can reach in there," Doc pointed at the corner where a large table sat bolted to the wall and beyond that a small vent from what Joker knew of the building. The vent was tiny and Joker was certain that a kid couldn't possibly fit in it then again, not all kids were fat assess that would get stuck trying to get their blubber through the hole in the wall.

Joker didn't even try to screw his lips shut in an attempt to not laugh because it was going to happen regardless. His signature, hyena laugh echoed in the room as his mind's eye summoned the image of a piggy boy tried to squeeze his blubber through the vent, trying in vain to go back or forward only for a bunch of henchmen to use butter to free his fat ass.

Of course, the world was at war whether or not it loved Joker for he suddenly found himself grunting as something hit him directly in the dick with the force of a small cannon. The groceries fell out of his hand in a magnificent spill and he hunched over, letting out a wheezed chuckle. He mentally swore that if it was Doc or any of these little troopers that hit him in the in the white soldiers, he was going to cut off the bastard's hand and slap him with it until he either died from blood loss or began to see life in the very funny light that he saw it.

Joker reached down to tenderly cup his poor penis and to make sure that his balls were still outside of his body and not somewhere in his kidneys but instead of his pants, he encountered something silky… something that felt distinctly like human hair. Joker giggled (someone head butt him in the groin and if that wasn't funny, he didn't know what was) and turned his eyes down.

There, trying his hardest to hug him with short, skinny arms was a little boy. Now, the thing about this little boy was that he had green hair. Yes, bright Joker-green (that's a color) hair that fell on his narrow shoulders in dirty tendrils. His face was buried uncomfortably deep in Joker's groin and he was rubbing his face in like a cat that wanted to be petted. Sheesh, the kid was lucky that he wasn't some kind of pedophile or he'd find a hard dick in his mouth rather than a blissfully soft dick on his cheek.

"That kid has a very unfortunate height," Happy whispered to his fellow henchmen but in the silence of the 'lair', it sounded as though he had screamed at the top of his lungs. Joker threw him a look that might or might not have expressed his desire to put his foot up his scrawny ass. He'd deal with that funny man at a later moment… like when he detached the kid from his person. Joker reached down and grabbed the torn, thin shirt the boy was wearing and yanked. It turned out that the little brat actually had a much better grip on him than he had assumed. After a great tug, the little fingers finally detached and the boy gave a whimper, reaching for him desperately.

Now Joker wasn't very sure, but he assumed that there wasn't a kid in Gotham that would want to hug him, much less unintentionally molest him. He hooked his cold fingers under the boy's pits and lifted him to eye level, idly noting that the boy didn't even flinch throughout this process, in fact he seemed very happy and satisfied now that Joker was holding him albeit in a possibly uncomfortable position.

"What the Hell…?" he squinted at the little brat as though he were a foreign concept. He was probably three, five if the kid was being starved as Joker assumed judging by the near weightlessness of the brat. He was also as pale as him with dark eyes that were made darker by the bags under his large onyx eyes. An undefined child's nose (that could grow straight like his) sat above faintly red, dry lips that slowly pulled into a smile. All in all…

"Either I'm crazy or this kid looks just like me," he muttered, pulling the little boy closer as though that would make his features change into something that didn't look like mini him. The boy giggled as though he were entertained by his words and reached forward with two grabby little hands, one latching onto his nose and the other touching his cheek.

They began to move around as the boy searched his face with curious little hands. Henchmen all around mentally fainted or bit their tongues to stop themselves from either warning the child of his impending doom or snatching him away from their boss before the man could snap and kill the boy. In his defense, Joker was quite startled that the little fucker didn't bother to be slightly disturbed by his scars, taking the time to touch them as the rest of his face before wrapping his little arms around Joker's neck in a strangle… er, hug.

"DADDY!" he burst out in his ear then went completely limp as he fainted for no good reason.

(**)

For the first time in Joker's life, he was absolutely speechless. Here he was, coming home for some food and rest only to get head butt in the balls and then discover a kid that looked shockingly like him. So many things could be done, so many dastardly things that would make Batsy grit his teeth and yet, the thought hadn't even come to mind. In fact, nothing came to mind.

Joker didn't have to turn his head to look at the boy for he had been staring at him silently for the past ten minutes, observing him with almost curious dark eyes. At the current moment, he held him under the shoulders and knees, not that it was necessary for him to hold him with two arms, and the little head was cocked all the way back, green hair falling from the side of Joker's arm and the little mouth open to let out soft sighs.

His still thoroughly shocked mind noted that the kid was absolutely a-fucking-dorable. Perhaps it was the green hair that matched his own or the fact that the child had called him daddy but it made him the best, cutest little boy he had ever seen. There was only one problem with the boy: he was much too dirty and thin. Joker clucked his tongue, shifting the child until the little head rested on his chest in a more comfortable pose. First he would have to give him a bath and—

No, no… he wasn't thinking about keeping the kid just because he called him daddy and looked a lot like him, was he? That sounded like a bad idea… like a really, really… wonderfully bad idea. Like a really wonderful idea. Joker carefully pulled his fingers through the greasy hair and a smile slowly carved itself across his scarred lips. Why hadn't he thought about it before!? The thing that would get him out of this rut and would put pep to his step was a mini J! Wasn't that what all the celebrities did to solve their little problems? And, other than Oprah, he was the biggest celebrity in the world!

Joker hummed and began to walk out of the room then he paused, a frown pulling at his lips. He had already hit a snag. Other than the obvious such as feeding, petting and bathing he had absolutely no idea how to take care of a kid and even then, Joker was half sure that he was thinking of a puppy when he thought about those basics. And the kid didn't have anything to wear and he would need toys or something right? It would be better if he waited for the kid to wake up so that he could ask him but he was so excited at the moment—fuck it, he'd get a little bit of everything.

"Take this," Joker shoved the child in the unprepared henchman's arms and giggled gleefully as the man nearly broke his neck to get a good hold in the kid. He probably shouldn't be tickled pink any time someone was frightened of him but he just couldn't help it. His henchmen really shouldn't be so afraid of him as Bashful was at that current moment.

Yeah, sure, if Bashful had dropped the kid, he would have found just how long Joker could keep someone alive while working them over with his magic fingers but that didn't mean he had to clutch the slumbering boy like he was God. Or maybe he was holding him as a shield which would be a problem if they were ever in a situation in which someone was gunning for them… he would have to instill the fear of Joker in all of them to make sure that his new kid was the first thing they protected.

"Sleepy, Doc, Sneezy, and… Grumpy," Joker pointed to random guys when he was only sure about one of them but he had a good chance of picking the right men or three. It turned out that no, he hadn't guessed correctly but whatever, they were all the same to him. All of them were practically shaking with nerves as though Joker had a gun to their heads… well, Grumpy wasn't shaking but that's why he was Joker's favorite when he remembered that he had a favorite.

Joker paused in his next announcement as he pondered the names he had blurted out one day around three weeks ago. At first he just used random names but after the first dozen times in which case the wrong guy popped up and he had to stab the person for disobeying him (they should know their names!) he had finally came up with permanent names for his last seven henchmen. Yeah, they were from Snow White but it was just too much fun watching grown men answer to dwarf names.

"Yeah boss?" Sleepy half yawned behind his mask. And it fit some of them so very well!

"Casual clothes… now. We're going out. Whoever isn't at that door in the next five minutes gets a few pressies that's sure to… well, you know the rest," Joker wiggled a rather large knife in the air so that they caught his threat rather than confusing it for an offer. The four practically ran out of the room to get changed into something 'civilian acceptable' to Joker's laughing track which ended abruptly as he turned to the remaining three.

"Bashful, make the kid fucking squeaky but Insanity help you if you drown the brat. Happy, find out how our little uh guest got in here and Dopey…" Joker looked at the last member who was blinking his big doe eyes at the space, platinum blond (nearly white) hair falling into his eyes. It took a few moments before the blue orbs turned to him but they didn't shift in appearance at the sight of the dangerous man as though he just weren't aware of his surroundings or if he was, he didn't give a good fuck.

"Just… do something. I don't care." he waved a hand dismissively and turned on his toes to leave. Seriously, there was something wrong with that man. Joker sighed, he just attracted crazies but at the very least they were half dependable crazies and that was a plus. He looked at the four men now waiting patiently by the door, each in various casual wear.

"Are you waiting for a prize?" he snapped as they stared at him. Useless lumps of idiocy, he pushed pass the men and made his way to the truck, throwing himself in the driver's seat. Joseph shook his head lightly, tugging his silvery fringe a little further down to hide the left side of his face (at least to his cheekbones) then followed much quicker than his younger comrades.

"Uh, where are we goin' boss?" Sneezy rasped as he pulled out a piece of tissue to blow his red nose though if it was red because the man was sick or if it was cold, no one gave a fuck. If Joker had the time, he would have shot the muscled man for being a walking set of germs and disease but as it were, he needed all the hands he could get for this little trip.

(**)

As a young man that had signed a deal with the devil for some relief, Sleepy (his real name was actually Teddy) had never actually driven in a car with his boss behind the wheel. Teddy knew that the last man that did got himself killed and Joker hadn't given a rat's ass but as long as the scary clown kept the voices from overtaking his dreams, Teddy didn't care one bit. As it turned out, Joker was not a considerate driver, he did not obey the laws and he certainly did not keep his road rage to almost silent bitching within his closed window. No, he rolled his window all the way down and stuck his head out much like a dog, letting go of the wheel and leaving Mr. Joseph to grab hold of it and steer them out of danger while their boss screamed at the 'idiots' on the road.

"What the fuck is a red light for NUMB NUTS!?" This statement was odd in that Joker had to swerve around a car in front of him because it stopped at the red light while Joker just went right through it, easily dodging the oncoming cars. Well, it wasn't so much as dodging the blue haired teenager noted with wide eyes. It was that the others didn't want to die so they all crashed into each other.

"Shit, missed that turn. Can I U-turn here…? Don't care!" Teddy resisted the urge to grab onto Sneezy's (real name Avery or something like that) hand as they made a hazardous U-turn and nearly hit several other motorists but this was mostly for the fact that Avery was a walking bucket of illness more so than anything else. Luckily, they didn't actually hit anyone and the beeping from others didn't last long as they barreled down past them and down the street that the boss had missed.

"Okay, let's see, I'm sure it was down this street right—no, that's a one way but nobody's there so I might as well keep going…" Idly, Teddy wondered if he should have opted for the pressies than these near death experiences. They weren't fun at all.

"Why in the—ARE YOU BLIND OR STUPID!? The speed limit is ninety five, not fifteen. What the Hell do you mean that this is a school zone—? Fuck those snot nosed brats. My son is smart enough to not walk into the—WHAT DID YOU SAY!?" Joker looked as though he were ready to either climb out the window or throw a knife at the soccer mom ushering her children into the car. It wasn't possible for the dark eyed man to have heard anything she said but, maybe he could read lips because he certainly seemed on the verge of real irritation rather than the half irritated, half amused mood he often fell into.

Mr. Joseph had the balls to catch onto their boss's trench coat before he could fall out the window he was half way out of and tugged him back in just in time to stop him from being completely demolished by a passing minivan. Teddy would have commented but he was honestly too busy holding onto his seatbelt for dear life. Finally, after a long ten minutes with multiple almost crashes, more curses, hysterical whooping laughter, they were finally at the location. To his surprise, this moment was the only moment where Joker proved to be quite skillful, parking after only glancing at the tiny space and not even grazing the other cars by their sides.

"A kid's store?" Doc (Waylon) squinted up at the giant building they found themselves near. It was huge, probably ten times their base of operation and twenty times as colorful. It looked as though a rainbow fucked a clown, gave birth to a unicorn then gave fifteen hundred blind kids crayons and told them to just 'go for it'. Teddy tried very hard not to laugh his face off at that image and succeeded for the most part.

"No a guns and ammunition store aptly named 'Kids Playground'," Joker rolled his eyes and reached his hand into the glove department by Joseph's legs. He snatched out a blond wig and arranged it on his head carefully then brushed rough fingers across his cheeks to make sure the fake skin was covering his scars. Then burning dark eyes glanced at the rest of them to approve or disapprove. The first thing he did was snatch off Avery's baseball cap then slapped him several times with it which actually sent the brunette into a sneezing fit.

"Stop looking like a pedophile, idiot. Now for the rest of you: when we go in there, you don't want nothing, you don't steal nothing and you DON'T look uh sus-pic-ious. You pull out a gun, it better be because Gordon is fucking me in the ass with a sniper rifle." That painted a very disturbing picture in the poor teenager's mind but he pushed it to the side in favor of staring at the kid's store. It was obvious as to why they were there but it still boggled his fragile mind that Joker of all people was going to a kid's store and not to terrorize anyone. If Teddy wasn't mistaken, it looked like the man was grabbing several stacks of the clean money that hadn't been touched by blood, gasoline or greasepaint.

"This should be enough… come on, let's go." their boss muttered then threw open his door and stepped out in the sunlight. His henchmen followed him quickly.

(**)

To Be Continued

By the way, I might mess with the Robins as I can't keep track of them anymore or their history. I just can't be bothered with that insanity any longer.

Yes, I mixed the generations up because I don't really think we'll be hitting the HP world really seeing as Gotham is in America.