Chapter Three

Did I mention that characters say/think/do offensive things?

Warning: serious pedophilic thoughts but no actual actions (for the most part)

(**)

Joker had left his minions with the careful instructions to get things that looked to be the kid's size clothes wise and age appropriate toys. He ducked away from several perky looking sales associates that looked as though they had been gleefully humped by a unicorn singing Barney songs and headed directly for the book section. He threw several children books in there, a large one with pictures and several that would help the kid learn how to read and more with fairytales or various stories and poems in there. He had a nice voice for reading and tweaking the stories should prove to be fun. Then he strode for the child rearing books. He was going to need a stack of them…

What to Expect When You're Expecting (Well, it was a little too late for that, wasn't it?) Tossed

The New Strong-Willed Child (They're all strong willed until you pull out a leather belt and lay into their hinnies) in the cart

Bringing Up Bebé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of Irish Parenting (Do I look like I give a fuck about the Irish?) Tossed

How to Talk So Kids Will listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk (You don't just bribe them with candy or threaten them? Hm, that one seems like something I'm going to need. If the brat doesn't come to me with his problems, how am I supposed to kill his enemies… er, not kill… just gravely injured) in the cart

Positive Disciple A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems (Children are pampered nancies this day and age! A bottle of liquor to the head or a burnt hand kept me in line…) definitely in the cart.

"Hi sir, do you need any… oh." One of the Unicorn concubines stopped short in her approach. He wasn't very sure why, it certainly wasn't the scars because his wig and artfully applied latex skin hid them expertly well. Then he saw her eyes looking at the cart. He glanced down too, what was the problem? He only had fifty or so books and he hadn't even finished yet.

"Are you sure that you… uh…?" They surely didn't prepare her to talk to a strange man chucking books in his cart with very little care. She probably thought that he was just making a mess or something stupid like that. What need would he have for the cart if he just wanted to make a mess?

"My money, your sales," he shrugged then continued to skim over the titles of the hundreds of child care books. The woman opened her mouth to say something more but probably thought that he might just leave the store without purchasing anything and publicly blaming her for his leaving. No, no, she wanted to keep her job so she smiled brightly and bounced off to bother someone else like the strange tall man with short brown hair and what seemed to be scales on the side of his face grabbing toys and throwing them in the cart without care… okay, maybe she should bother someone smaller.

It wasn't very long until Joker finally finished with the books, both his and the kid's. There were more books for the kid than him because he would be damned if he had a hand in raising an illiterate fool. Speaking of fools, he had better check up on his men if he wanted to make sure that they were doing the right thing. It wasn't hard to find them what from Doc's strange looks, the bright blue mess on Sleepy's head, Sneezy's loud allergies getting the best of him, or the mostly silver locks from Grumpy. Obvious fuckers…

(**)

"Do you think that the brat is too old for blocks?" Joseph grumbled to Teddy. The young man of maybe nineteen blinked at him slowly then turned his eyes to the box of blocks that the older had been ogling. On the box, it seemed as though two little children had built some kind of ugly structure with multicolored blocks and seemed very proud of themselves.

"I don't think so…" the teenager shrugged, taking down the box then trotting to the other blocks made for older kids to grab those also. Joseph was very impressed on how much the boy seemed the care. Or he just didn't want to fuck this up and have the Joker fire him. And by fired, Joseph didn't mean with a pat to his back and a chipper wave. No, it would be something much more… permanent if he could say that without sounding extremely cheesy.

"I'm much too old for this shit," Joseph sighed as he continued to look for toys.

"No, you're not old sport! You barely look a day over fifty!" a chipper voice chirped in his ear. The graying man let out a massive sigh and turned his head to face his current boss. He wished he could blame someone else for his current position in a crazed clown's hand but he honestly couldn't.

Joseph knew his faults, he knew that he had gotten cocky and allowed himself to be knocked off his very high pedestal by that damn hypocrite. He knew that he had escaped his prison and came up with a new identity then allowed himself to be traded from one hand to another until he ended up in the middle of this retina damaging children's store. Yup, his life was fucking peachy and it was all his doing.

"I'm nearly eighty, kid," the man chuckled with a ruffling hand through the fake blond locks. Sometimes, he wanted to be afraid of Joker or his antics but really, what was the point of fearing him? It would do nothing to stop him and it certainly wouldn't help Joseph. Besides, he knew his kind, had been his kind for a long time. After a while, it would get boring and he would stop setting the world on fire only to watch it burn. Of course that day wouldn't happen for another forty or so years even more if he didn't resolve that obvious sexual tension with the 'Batman'.

"Yeah, yeah now let's go to the stuffed animals. I can't trust you fucktards to pick something suitable for my kid," Joker muttered, tugging on his arm once. Joseph Kerr (really, he should have changed the name as soon as he came across the madman named Joker) grabbed onto the red cart and followed after the skipping man. He opened his mouth to tell him to stop running in case he fell or ran into someone (this was just like babysitting) but it was too late. Joker ran directly into a 'inconspicuous' man that looked very, very suspicious which was just ironic considering that he and several others in the store were actual criminals. He had better get over there to make sure that the boss didn't blow their cover or something.

(**)

Life was just a rollercoaster ride for him today. First he was down then he was up then he was really up and now he was down… literally for the last one. He had been rounding a corner quickly only to run directly into another person (who was like a fucking brick wall) and fell to the ground, hard. He was sure that whatever his head landed on, couldn't have been fucking harder if he begged it to.

"A is for Apple."

Joker closed his eyes to stop himself from looking at the person. If it was that fucking bimbo, he was going to kick her directly in the stomach as hard as he could just to ensure that she never had a child in her life… if she was already pregnant, she wouldn't be after that blow. Luckily for the clerk woman and her unborn children, it wasn't her.

"I'm so sorry. I hadn't seen you there," the man apologized above him. Joker snapped his eyes open and he found himself hard press to stop a smile from spreading across his face and revealing just who he was. Maybe the rollercoaster was still going in the up direction. Obviously fate was happy that he was going to give his best to a child that he didn't kidnap or even emotionally scar.

"Yeah, it's fine," he accepted the calloused, tanned hand of the man and made sure the hair was nearly plastered to his cheeks once more and looked up at the slightly taller man. Judging by the outfit, he was trying to be casual and inconspicuous at the same time but he was trying so hard that it just made him look like a celebrity trying to hide from cameras or a kid snatcher.

"So… why is Bruce Wayne in a toy shop? A few baby mamas surface or something?" Joker tilted his head. Wayne, for some odd reason, looked completely gob smacked as though he didn't know that a blind, half retarded wombat would be able to spot him in that getup. After a few seconds of silently staring at him with that look on his face, the tanned man suddenly gripped him up by the arm and yanked him behind a shelf, crouching low.

"How did you know it was me?" the other demanded, looking over the Gucci glasses.

"You have a baseball cap and sunglasses on," Joker smiled as though he were waiting for Bruce to start laughing with him. Of course he truly was expecting a bit of laughter because everyone knew that this was not the way to go with disguising yourself. The only thing worse that the billionaire could have done was put on a trench coat with the collar pulled up high.

"I don't understand," Bruce smiled sheepishly.

"That short bus must still be outside, buddy," Joker rolled his eyes then continued on as though he were talking to a very slow child. By the affronted look that crossed the handsome face, Bruce must have detected his opinion. Well good for him. "You are in a baseball cap… and sunglasses… both dark while standing in a store meant for children… while not having a child with you. Not only is that uh very suspicious but now everyone thinks you're a Grade-A pedophile."

"What?" Bruce sputtered and stumbled to feet, glaring at the other from behind his dark pedophile glasses. Oh yeah, there wasn't a way that one of the unicorn concubines wouldn't come flouncing over to question the suspicious billionaire, "No they don't!"

Joker shrugged and flounced back to Joseph who had been standing the perfect distance. It was close enough that he could pop up at any time and Joker could see him but far enough that he wasn't snooping or anything that would send Joker into an impatient killing. Good on him but now he was interested in getting stuffed animals for his little boy, he wondered what kind the child would like.

"Isn't this so cute?" Joker snatched up an odd looking teddy purple bear with green tuffs for hair and a red snout. There were quite a few of them, indicating that not a lot of people liked them or that they ran out so they had just restocked. Joseph had a feeling that it was the former rather than the latter but his boss didn't seem to care as he threw it in the cart while they went through the other stuffed items as well. Only the strangest, most colorful or an unfortunate combination of the two was taken. It wasn't a lot but Joseph managed to sneak in some non-blinding items when Joker wasn't paying attention. Then again, the man probably wouldn't have cared seeing as he was cooing over a realistic little puppy and muttering under his breath about getting his kid the real thing but the only problem was what kind of dog the boy would want.

"Bashful had better be seeing to that kid properly… he's the cutest little bugger in the world… isn't he?" Joker sighed like a sickeningly proud parent would even though the nutcase had met the boy not even three hours ago. Joseph sighed but nodded as burning dark eyes glanced over at him. Seriously, he wasn't paid enough for this kind of torture although it was made a bit better to see a millionaire get approached by a very determined unicorn concubine. Ugh, where had such a foul thought come from?

Joseph pondered if the henchmen left behind at the base were doing a bit better than he was at this moment.

(**)

Edward 'Happy' Nygma was not, in the least, happy at this current moment. Not only was he stuck in their base with a retard and a sick fuck that should be set on fire and beaten with a club but he was staring at five screens of camera surveillance. Dopey was a seriously high tech son of a bitch and that was all fine and dandy but obviously he wasn't high tech enough because a little brat somehow snuck into the place without anyone seeing him or sensors stopping him. Edward threw a dirty look over to Dopey who simply smiled back at him and started to bob his head to silent music.

"Riddle me this, Dopey. Do I hate you because you're fucking retarded or because I'm jealous of just how oblivious you are?" Edward glared harder in hopes of making Dopey change expressions. His hopes were in vain because Dopey truly was a bit dopey. The man was now giggling silently at his own wiggling fingers as he made them dance across his face. The long haired man growled low under his breath and just barely refrained from banging his head into the desk, instead turning his eyes back to the screens.

He was too brilliant and intelligent for this shit… how did he even get caught up with this fucking psycho? Well, he knew how he became in such a sweet acquaintance with the madman but he tried not to dwell on his momentary lapse into stupidity. It was just too bitter a pill to swallow.

(**)

Bashful (Jarvis) was in his own personal Heaven. He was doing something that he hadn't done in such a long… long time and it felt absolutely marvelous. A part of him told him not to do this, not because it was bad but because this particular activity was being performed on something that the green devil owned. The Green Devil would kill him should he ever find out but Jarvis couldn't resist. He couldn't leave such flesh untouched as his eyes raked the waifish body now naked before his eyes.

With a shaking hand, the auburn haired man brushed a thumb across the grimy, thin cheek that was slightly rounded with youth and watched as the stained lips parted to let out a soft sigh. The child shifted slightly in his arms as though he knew what was happening and he wanted more. Yes, that what it was, the child wanted more. Another sigh left the little lips and it was so very cute but he couldn't awaken the child lest his fun be cut short. Even though the child wanted it, he would be afraid of his feelings and desires and try to fight them. Jarvis started to drag his eyes away from the youthful, dirty face and downwards, eyes soaking in each patch of supple, grimy flesh. His smile only grew as he idly turned off the running water before it could overflow or something as inconvenient as that.

"So pretty," he whispered softly, lowering the child into the steaming water, while keeping a strong arm on the child's back. It had been too long since he seen such beauty or had the privilege to touch it. The boy was very small and skinny. Dirt practically clung to his skin but Jarvis could still count each little rib and each knobby piece of his spine. He could even tell that the skin, though extremely dirty, would turn pure porcelain that could never be truly tainted. Such beauty and his lips! They looked like he had bitten into a ripe strawberry. Jarvis could imagine the red juices sliding past the plump lips and down the slender little neck until it ran into his shirt—or a pretty blue dress with a clean white apron and shining black shoes with white stockings encasing those skinny legs.

He was losing control, he had to concentrate on something else. Jarvis snatched up the soapy rag and began to wash the dirt off the child with the practiced hand of a nurse or someone who had done this many, many times over. The rough rag was not nearly enough barrier between his hand and the sinfully soft flesh—oh how soft and delicate! He was absolutely perfect, everything he had been looking for… well, except one thing.

"Blond hair would look so very good on you, child," he hummed to the slumbering beauty. To his surprise, the dirty green locks suddenly shifted from fresh moss to a golden crown. Had it not been for his sense of self-preservation, Jarvis might have dropped the child into the water to drown but he hadn't which was just as well. He stared with wide eyes at the boy that was now a vision of absolute perfection. He released the rag and pulled his soaking fingers through the tangled, greasy blond hair that would soon be clean and perfect like the rest of the child.

"Alice…"

(**)

It was time to go. They had everything they could think of and the only thing that was stopping them was the fact that several unicorn concubines had gone over to the suspicious man/billionaire because he appeared to be a very creepy man wandering about in a child's store, hypothetically to snatch up some wandering child. Of course the concubines realized that 'oh my god it's Bruce Wayne!' and suddenly it was no longer 'you are a creepy guy in a kid's store and we'll call the cops on you!' and more like 'I am so sorry for the misunderstanding but can you please have my babies Mr. Wayne!'

"No it's fine. I just didn't want to be swarmed or anything… could you direct me to the children's books?" Bruce felt his face light a very bright red because that strange blond had been completely right. They honestly thought him some kind of creep! Luckily that had been taken care of except now they were all fawning over him with doe eyes and that was probably worse than the wild accusations that had been tossed at him. Didn't this woman have something else to do… like ring up the blond man and his odd posse composed of an old man, a blue haired young man, a large dude with a weird patches on his skin, and a guy that seriously needed a tissue and hand sanitizer. It was probably the weirdest group he had ever seen but he had no right to judge and probably no room.

He pushed it out of his head and continued down the aisles, eyes looking through the items carefully even though he had a distinct feeling that he would accidentally get more than what he needed. A smile pulled at his lips because he truly didn't care if he went extravagant—he was Bruce Wayne after all!

(**)

Joseph wasn't sure how it was possible but he was officially at the end of his frayed nerves. Normally he would rather cut out his own tongue than admit that he was fed up with something and just plain tired but fuck it all, he was fed up and he was plain tired. He snatched the keys from his current boss, not even bothering to look at the man as he stomped to the car and ordered everyone inside. It was time for them to go back to the base—they had done enough shopping.

"There's not enough room for-uh everybody," Joker whined just to be annoying. Joseph felt his eye twitch but drew the line at shouting at the younger man. He had no doubt that Joker would kill him should he overstep a line one too much but he was on the verge of not caring any more. Let the crazed man kill him if only to put him out of the torture that he had just gone through.

"Waylon will sit in the passenger seat. Everyone will have several bags on their laps and by their feet," he stated tersely. The henchmen and Joker arranged themselves appropriately and found that it was a tight squeeze but definitely good enough to drive. Joseph climbed within the large van stuffed full with clothes, shoes, toys, books, and various things in between. The old man started the car and began to drive in terse silence, hands tight on the wheel and visible eye staring forward.

"… I'm sorry for knocking that guy out," Waylon suddenly grumbled next to him. Joseph felt his lips purse as he refused to even glance at the slightly deformed but still handsome man. He hadn't even been the worse of the bunch but that had been some fuckery they could have gone without. He wasn't sure what that man had said to Waylon as they walked through the kids shops throughout the mall but it promptly had the almost giant punching the guy with his deadly fist and sending him into dreamland with a single attack.

"And I'm sorry for stealing from that shop," Teddy murmured, hand absently tracing the dagger he had lifted from a store. It was a very nice dagger and so very shiny, he just couldn't help himself. Joseph rolled his eyes at the disturbed kleptomaniac. The boy had stolen something from every shop they went to and shops that they hadn't gone to which had Joseph briefly questioning when he had time to break away from the group to do so but quickly found he didn't care… until the boy got caught.

"I'm sorry for punching that lady in the boob and probably giving her breast cancer," Joker chirped in a way that said he wasn't sorry in the least. Of course he was the one that gave the most problems and it took all of Joseph's will to not launch himself at the crazed clown and strangle him. They made it to a red light and the old man turned in his seat to raise a brow at the man.

"And…?" he prompted.

"And for-uh decking her husband," Joker continued with a small pout.

"And?"

"And for tripping their kid."

"And? What was that other thing you did when we went to the next store?"

"I uh, slit a man's throat from ear to uh earrrr but he had it coming. Said that my kid was ugly and would hate me for putting him in the clothes I bought," Joker defended himself like a petulant child rather than a dangerous psychopath. That fucking guy totally had it coming! No one insulted anything of his and got away with it. Of course he had to kill everyone else in the store because he was too angry to just walk away so yup, that was the ending to the perfect day.

At the very least he got to set the place up in flames! He didn't normally go for organic material and really loved accelerants but hey, a slow burn could be just as satisfying.

(**)

To Be Continued

Just imagine what will happen if/when Joker discovers just what Jarvis is doing!

As another note, let's see who can be the first to guess who 'Joseph Kerr' really is. He's a Harry Potter character, one who's role was major as a name but not as an actual character. My little background story for him was pretty much canon save for leaving with a new name and ending up with Joker (obviously).