I hope the guest who pointed out the date issue reads this chapter. Thanks for that and I do like Densi although I didn't totally follow why you thought that. 300+ reads before I had to repost so starting again. Let me know what you think. News flash. I screwed up. The date should have been 2014. Humbug happened in December 2014.

There was silence and then after taking a deep breath and still looking into his lap he began "I literally and figuratively screwed up. This was back after Sam and G were rescued from the sub. The next day I went to see my mom for the first time in 10 years. One last shot at reconciliation. After what had happened in the last year, I felt I had to try and work things out. I really wanted someone in my life that was blood family. I needed that connection. I had no one to talk to. Kensi hadn't crossed her frozen lake yet so I was dealing with everything from Siderov thru Sam and G in the sub pretty much alone as well as having a nagging feeling someone was after Kens as well as me-remember the poison flower on her desk and the car wreck. I couldn't talk to her cause she had just started to open up about Afghanistan. This was the first step in putting it behind her. (At this Nate smiled, nodded and thought damn, someone got thru to her) So I was jammed up, frustrated, confused and very, very, very tired-bone weary maybe. I was struggling with why I was doing this anymore. G and Sam weren't someone I could go to cause they would say no out of hand. It can't work. Don't try. But I've learned the heart isn't logical. I think Hetty told us once that the heart wants what it wants. Anyway, my mom yelled at me. She still hated me for shooting him. She pulled a knife. I took it away but nicked myself. So now we have my DNA and fingerprints on what I later found out was the murder weapon plus a neighbor telling the cops that just before I left she heard screaming from our house. Anyway, after seeing her I went to my place and let all this stir in my brain. I decided to go to a bar for the purpose of getting falling down drunk. I took a cab, made arrangements to get picked up and went in. It was a place I used to go to in college so I was sure no one would see me and Kensi had no knowledge of it. Then just my luck- -in walks detective Riviera. Looking back I have to wonder if she was following me all along. She has a reputation in the precinct as being rather loose. She is married but evidently not all the time. (Bates was taking notes as was Nate) She hit on me and was really persistent. I flat told her that even if she wasn't married I wasn't interested in her or anyone tonight. She finally got the message but as she left she whispered 'I will make you sorry for this. I have been trying to bed you for a year.' After that I got seriously drunk and in walks and old college girlfriend. We had parted friends and still run in to each other 2 or 3 times a year someplace, often this bar. We began talking and I ended up leaving with her and spending the night at her place. That's the part Riviera doesn't know-that I spent the night. I'm bettin she saw me leave with her but assumed I didn't spend the night basis me telling Riviera that I wasn't looking for companionship or comfort, just to get drunk. They found my mom late that evening. Time of death put at late that evening. The same neighbors saw someone enter and leave about that time-my height and build. It was dark, whoever it was had on a hoodie and mask-but they got my DNA and prints on the murder weapon. Boom-open and shut case. They didn't look much further. But, and please believe me- -on my life Hetty I didn't do it. The woman-Danielle James-can place me at her house all night. I'm also bettin there is still evidence of the real killer in the house but no one looked since they had an easy solve and the evidence to make it obvious especially with Riviera running the investigation. Then in time Kensi and I went 'all in' at the ice rink as you all know. I need to thank you all and the rest of the team for looking the other way or ignoring us or accepting us or whatever. We have worked very hard to keep it away from the job. Anyway, I figured I'd just let my screw up-literally-go away. Kensi was now opening up more and more about Afghanistan. (Nate smiled at this acknowledging that Deeks knew more about human behavior than he let on.) We lean on each other. 2 broken people makes one whole I guess. Anyway, I am scared to death I will lose her when she sees and hears this BUT I am more afraid that she will shut down and put the walls back up. That won't be good for her. I have learned to survive expecting the worst. She still sees and looks for good. I don't want her loosing that."

Granger interjected "worry about yourself detective. It's time you took care of yourself. You know she would tell you the same thing."

Deeks paused for a second and then almost mumbled "You don't get it. If she isn't ok I don't care about me. She is my shot at something close to a life and family. She won't make it thru another man leaving her. You have to promise me you and the team will take care of her. Don't let her shut down. Now back to the story since I digressed. I assume they haven't found Dani. She did say she was going to do some traveling. I think she mentioned Europe. I get the feeling they haven't really looked. That's it, that's my sin. I can't look any of you in the eye knowing I let you down and brought all this heat down on everyone simply because I felt sorry for myself. I'm sure you have all been thru hell. Every case I ever worked on at LAPD or NCIS has to have come under scrutiny. Worst of all, in my mind, I cheated on Kensi. Something she didn't deserve after all she's been thru. I should have known all along I wasn't the one for her so maybe this is for the best, like an omen to me to live alone the rest of my life, except maybe Monty Jr-Jr. I let G, Sam and Kensi down- -but mostly you Hetty. You had faith in me even when those 3 wouldn't accept me. That I couldn't let you down was what kept me going. Now-nothing left-I'm just tired. I didn't even feel the beatings my (air quotes) friends give me. It seemed like poetic justice. I. AM. SO. SORRY. Please make them all believe that."

So, any thoughts? Ideas on where we go or just quit while we're behind?