I haven't slept. I run on caffeine, again. No matter who ask if I'm alright, my answer is yes. I think what is wrong with me? Why am I letting him affect me? The answer is simply, because I love him. The realization dawned on me when after a case, the team and their significant others went for drinks. The case had been resolved sooner than expected. Everyone on a high that, they wanted to celebrate. I didn't. I wanted to crawl and remain non existent, but of course Garcia never says no to spending time with the team...
He walked into the bar with Savannah laughing and talking, and my heart pinged with hurt. Even though I knew I had no right to be hurt. They walked over to the table with us. Hotch and his date, Kate, she was nice and sweet. Rossi the ever playboy had some girl name Christie. She was loud, Reid with his friend, Joanna, who was so funny and kind. Of course Will and JJ were talking up a storm. Then there was me, alone. Smiling and laughing with the team, drinking more than usual, well for them it was odd. Alcohol had been my best friend, lately.
They greeted everyone. Savannah gave kisses to all the girls and I fought the reflex to move away from her hug.
"Oh Penelope, I've missed ya! Haven't seen you around!" She said with a tint of sadness and guilt washed over me.
"Oh well been a little busy bee" I said with the most enthusiasm I could muster up. "Look my pretties I do have to go, the oracle of all knowing, needs to hit the hay" with a smile, a wink and one last shot. I got up and went to leave. I was in the parking lot, when I heard my name..."Garcia, wait up" he said running towards me. I turned, "what's up Morgan?"
"Why are you leaving so soon?" He said.
I laughed, "I find it hard to believe that you don't know. Look, let me leave, don't talk, just bye Morgan." Getting my keys out.
"Woah, there babygirl, what do you mean? Let you leave, we want to hangout! We miss you." He said with a tone.
"You know, tonight made me realized, a lot. I can't do this. Savannah doesn't deserve this either. I fell in love with you like a fool. I'm the fool not you or her, she gets your heart, your body and your soul. I don't." I chuckled back the tears,"I knew this would happen. Guess it serves me right for playing with fire."
He stared,"Penelope, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you... But I love Savannah..." He cleared his throat and "I proposed to her, we were gonna tell the team tonight..." His voice came out coarse.
And those worlds hit me hard, I felt like I couldn't breathe. He just confirmed everything I ever thought about us, I was nothing. I curled my lips a bit, "Congrats, Derek. Be happy."
I jumped into my car and drove off.
I got home and looked at where I was in my life. I looked at pictures of the team and myself. I grew so much but now, I felt stuck. I haven't grown much lately, holding on to something that wasn't meant to be. I cried, I cried because love like this was the worst kind of love. I grabbed my bags packed whatever clothes still fit. And some pictures of the team. I wrote Hotch my letter of resignation. I looked up flights and called the only person who would help, without asking right now. Emily Prentiss.