CHAPTER TWO: IN TREATMENT
(In which Archie has a cameo and Neal expresses more man-pain, but hopefully in a less annoying manner than Hook.)
The office was stuffy and smelled strongly of dog. In the chair opposite, Dr. Archie Hopper was cleaning his glasses for the fifth time in the fifteen minutes since Neal had sat down on the couch.
Neal hated shrinks.
He'd had to go to one when he arrived in this world, mandated by the foster system, for some evaluation what with his knowledge of modernity having stopped in the Victorian age... of what was apparently a parallel world where time was meaningless and London free of lung-cancer-causing smog and Jack the Ripper, though just his luck not the shitty workhouses where they shoved the poor and homeless.
Archie seemed nice enough, but word around town had it that he also wasn't known for keeping doctor/patient confidentiality. Still, the guy didn't seem to be drinking the personality-transplant poisoned cider like most everyone else in Storybrooke; maybe it was the whole having been a cricket thing since Granny, Ruby and their animals-as-people activists seemed pretty levelheaded. Or maybe it was that the guy seemed utterly asexual. Whatever the case, Hopper acted like he had his priorities in order rather than the general trend of making everything not a priority the most important thing while ignoring everything that was pretty damn important in favor of sex, revenge, and self-pity.
Although, Neal supposed, he was guilty of self-pity at the moment. But at least it was regarding legit stuff instead of a load of crap to gain sympathy like all of the woobie "former" villains in town who seemed to like to cry rivers of entitlement over being the victims of the crimes they plotted, because if they couldn't get the spoils, then getting shafted by a smarter or just luckier bad guy somehow made them a victim... and then cleaning up that mess made them a hero. And, sure, the villains were expected to be delusional, but everyone else giving them hugs and accolades seemed like some kind of mass hysteria or Stockholm Syndrome.
Dr. Hopper cleared his throat and prompted, "You were starting to tell me about Thanksgiving?"
"Uh... yeah."
Neal rested his elbows on his knees before continuing, "Basically, what it boils down to is: I came back from the dead to watch the woman I love slather kisses all over my mother's name on the douchebag they both left me for while my son shared upskirt pics with my step-grandfather-slash-step-dad under the table and the only thing anyone talked to me about was passing the mashed potatoes and if I could change Ruth's diaper, so naturally I got peed on. And you know what 'Prince Neal' calls me? 'Bagel'. Which, apparently, is a derogatory nickname that dear old Step Dad gave me! But the worst part was Henry going on and on about how Killian taught him to sail The Jolly Roger. I mean, what the hell, man!? I taught him that. It's like he doesn't even remember our sailing here from Manhattan. I have two good memories with my son, and he just handed it over to that bastard who ruined my life even more than it already was. And Emma didn't even correct him, like she didn't notice either or maybe she just wanted me to know that even Henry likes his stepfather better!"
"And this upsets you?"
"Of course it upsets me!" Neal shouted, the winced and let out a sigh.
"I didn't even get a 'Loving Father' on my headstone, you know? I mean, I told Emma that the one thing I wanted was for Henry to know I was a good man, that I'd wanted to be a good dad, and I didn't even get that. All I got was punishment, just like every time I try to do something good. Doesn't matter if it's trying to get other people their happy ending or trying to get mine. I'm just the laughing stock of the universe. Thought I'd have accumulated enough good karma after centuries in Neverland for trying to help the Darlings, but I guess since they were just pawns, the intention was forfeit or something. So, I finally try to be there for Emma and Henry, to do what I didn't do the first time around that she couldn't forgive, just hoping she'd give me a chance... and I get royally screwed again. And even in finally getting out of that prison, I'm still getting screwed.
"It's just..." Neal shook his head. "I feel like I woke up in an episode of The Twilight Zone. You know, the ones where everyone else is crazy, but they think they're normal... until I'm supposed to wonder if I'm the one who's crazy. Whether magic messed everyone up or it's just how they are now, I'm waiting for someone to jump out and say I've been punked, because what happened to the Emma I knew? I wanted her to be happy not... an entirely different person. I just... I don't understand," he lamented.
"Did being the Dark One change her that much? Or is it him? And why the hell did she choose that bastard? That was before she went down that dark path, you know? So I can't blame it on her becoming the Dark One. And of everyone she could've chosen, she goes with the sexual predator who stalked her and tried to kill her? Who admitted to date-raping women? I mean, what the actual fuck, Doc? Did I mess her up that much when I left her? Or does she just hate me that much and this is some kind of punishment? Or does she really think he's a good guy or buy into that 'the past doesn't matter' crap? Or is it like Ruby said and this timeline is corrupted and making everyone act like wackjobs and assholes?
"And how the hell am I and all these other people even here?" Neal continued. "That seems like something majorly important, but they don't even seem to care about that. Oh, well, dead people just suddenly started coming back to life. It's not like it's a fundamental law of magic or anything, you know, the breaking of which might mean something after love and time travel have apparently got ripped to shreds too that maybe someone should look into. Maybe it's the universe trying to write some magical wrongs. But maybe the Apocalypse is coming. Everyone's sure screwing like it's the End Times, but I'll tell you, most of the people here sure as shit aren't getting raptured up to anywhere acting like selfish jerks all the time."
"So, you see the people you cared about in the roll of villains now, and you're the suffering tragic hero?"
Neal groaned. "No, I just see them as assholes and myself as not an asshole."
He let out a frustrated breath before continuing to rant, "I just don't understand why I'm the bad guy here, Doc. I haven't even killed anyone, but they treat melike I'm a villain. Hook, Regina, August, they get a free pass and Emma fawns over them like... by deciding to stop fucking her over they did her some great service that requires constant positive reinforcement. And I can't even get a goddamned coffee with her! Hell, I can't get my own kid to spend time with me! I guess he got the 'Savior' side of the family, 'cause me and my pop, we keep getting the short end of the stick. Used to be we were tainted by the Dark One thing, but now that shouldn't apply, so maybe it's because peasants don't matter unless a fairy godmother or true love's kiss says so. Or maybe it just takes The Charmings stamp of approval, though hell if I know why anything they approve of should be a glowing recommendation when near as I can tell, they're awful parents, terrible rulers, and about as genuinely heroic as Robin Hood is actually honorable."
"You don't think much of Emma's parents then."
"Why the hell should I? Their family motto of 'we will always find each other' didn't apply to me and my kid as far as they were concerned. So, naming their kid after me is grandstanding bullshit. I mean, did they ever even apologize to you for some half-assed investigation into your so-called death? My guess is no, right? Instead they decided the guy who tortured you was a hero just for being creepily in love with their daughter. But, hey, Prince Charming gets off on kissing dead women, and Snow White's cool with crushing her true love's heart to cast an utterly pointless curse instead of taking five minutes to think that maybe it's a bad idea to trust a mysterious stranger allegedly trapped behind a door that allegedly only the pure of heart can access and let her in even though she got a blackened heart for murdering someone like, a couple of months earlier. I mean, okay, I got tricked into doing something pretty stupid, but I never claimed to be the epitome of virtue and wisdom. And did I even get a 'thank you' for that memory potion after I got back from my apparently well-deserved imprisonment? No, all I get is them saying they're going to call me 'Baelfire' now so as not to confuse their sweet little princey-poo."
Facing twisting into an expression of disgust, Neal admitted, "And, you know, I'd be okay with it if Emma was really happy. I'd put up with all of her family's crazy shit if she was like the happy Emma I knew, that really smiled and laughed, not this Pod Person who's so willing to surrender part of herself, lose parts of who she is, in order to believe that her pet pirate is a hero who truly loves her. Truly loves her, my ass. Maybe true love magic is ninety-nine percent delusional belief, or maybe Merlin just happened to dragon fart a rainbow at the right time, I dunno, but if magic can't make you love someone, something sure as hell has to, because that's insane. But then, if Regina can true love's kiss away a curse with Henry after bragging that she isn't sorry she raped and murdered people to get him and would do it all over again, and the whole time travel and death stuff has been disproved, then I can't say I actually put a lot of faith in magic! And that's before Emma broke the timeline, 'cause I know I don't remember that new version of Henry's book with Princess Leia and Prince Charles," he scoffed.
"But apparently Emma does now. And apparently she thinks true love is telling someone they're perfect all the time, that their mistakes and intentionally harmful acts don't matter. I mean, I'm not the shrink here, but it's like she's willingly putting on blindfolds whenever something bad about her so-called soulmate comes out, because 'happy ending' and somehow that makes him a hero and their relationship the most perfect expression of love since her parents got married on her grandmother's deathbed after having a total of probably no more than five actual conversations not about Regina trying to kill them, because I guess that's how it's supposed to work in our world. Hell, it's probably better off that Charming's mom hasn't come back, 'cause she sounds like a real nice lady who'd probably just end up having a stroke after finding out she sacrificed her life so her son's true love could have a kid she'd fuck over into becoming the ultimate personification of evil just to spare herself having a less than perfect child. Cause it's all about perfect with them and now together with Hook they got Emma drinking the Kool Aid.
"I mean, Hook's just enabling her having this 'my shit doesn't stink' attitude by praising her, saying she did great stuff she didn't do, saying her mistakes don't matter, and then piling on top of it that she's responsible for him getting happiness and staying good and he's the reason she overcame being the Dark One. Which he inserts into every conversation, by the way, as if that's actually something to be proud of, when it's practically holding her hostage and emotionally blackmailing her into some sense of gratitude, which as far as I can tell, is his side of their relationship from the very beginning, yet she fell for it hook, line and sinker while giving me shit for calling her lie detector superpower a load of crap!?" Neal finished, out of breath.
"So, you feel like there's a double standard," said Dr. Hopper.
"Hell yeah, I do!"
Unable to sit still, Neal stood up and began to pace.
"I thought what we had was real and true, Doc. I know I fucked up by leaving her, and I chickened out of coming here when August told me she'd arrived, but I didn't know we had a kid. And I only figured she'd never forgive me 'cause she thought I sent her to jail. And then finding out ten years later she never got the money? I can't forgive myself," he groaned, "but I thought I'd at least earned some points with Emma. I thought we could at least be friends, have a chance at being some kind co-parenting family even if it was too late for anything romantic. I tried to fight for that, for her, for Henry, but none of it seems to matter. That I'm sorry doesn't mean anything while Killian, and hell, Regina, August, all of 'em, aren't sorry for anything they did to hurt her or Henry like it's all some Candide 'best of all possible worlds' crap where the end justifies the means and gets everyone forgiveness. Except me. I'm eternally damned for leaving her when I believed she'd be taken care of while the dick who took all her money and called the cops is her best friend. Not coming here when she did or when she broke the Curse is apparently some massive betrayal, but if I'd shown up before she broke it, I'd likely have driven her away, and if I came after, she was already down some magic hat portal being seduced by my step-dad, so what the hell would it have mattered? Either way I'd lose, too little too late.
"I was too little too late in Neverland," Neal growled, "because I got screwed over, even though I could have saved Henry while Hook was leading them in circles with their heads up their asses. I'm just 'some person' and I'm sure Pan was having a big old laugh when I thought he was Henry and told him I'd always be there for him. Just one more laugh at old Baelfire's expense. But hey, why not have my kid's evil aunt kill me so I can not even get a last minute with him and have my sacrifice be completely meaningless just so Emma can go back in time with go old Step Dad for more adventures so they can insert themselves into her parents meet cute and have everyone say their love is destiny while I'm just worm food."
Fighting tears, Neal wondered, "Does she really think some magical destiny bullshit says they're meant to be? Was she just so fucking flattered that he declared her his happy ending that she let herself be brainwashed? Because this woman, she's not the Emma I remember, that I loved," he angrily declared, raking a hand through his hair. "And the man I knew for centuries sure as shit doesn't want the real Emma as his happy ending or he'd acknowledge that she has flaws and treat with her actual respect instead of this manipulative, controlling, rape-culturey bullshit! Instead, they act like they're a couple of angels who can do no wrong and aren't responsible for anything, like they're codependent creep-fest of a relationship is some beautiful carbon copy of her parents or something, and that's not healthy, man, never mind that her parents sure as shit are not role models. And even if Snow White and Prince Charming were as perfect as that book made 'em out to be, that's not real happiness either. But magic says so, end of story, I guess!"
Neal concluded by throwing his hands in the air in frustration and then slumping back onto the couch.
"You're right," Dr. Hopper calmly acknowledged. "Failing to acknowledge the bad parts of someone's personality or past, or to dismiss it as unimportant to your relationship in the present is a poor foundation for any relationship. As is assigning them qualities they don't actually possess in order to make them fit to your standards. And trusting in magic to never lead you astray to the point of ignoring that it can be at the mercy of those who wield it as much as we can be victims of it is certainly dangerous as well. That I can say from personal experience. One should never trust that something is inherently good or without fault just because others have deemed it so."
Neal snorted. "Yeah, if the Blue Fairy can make back alley deals to get the Dark Curse cast when everyone's been told she's the ultimate good, and if Merlin himself decided to rid the universes of an all-powerful Dark One by damning human souls and for the hell of it gave mortals the power to use magic to alter the course of history in multiple worlds, how the hell does anyone trust in the infallibility of magic?"
Shaking his head, Neal ranted on, "And, you know, I used to even sort of like Disney movies. Of course, that was before I found out the guy used some magic quill to make himself rich and famous by turning every fairy tale into some chauvinist ideal where the handsome stranger gets to molest some sleeping lady he's never met and instantly live happily ever with her, and maybe that's why Hook is oh so sexy!" he exclaimed in disgust.
"And how the hell does the whole time thing even work?" Neal continued in frustrated bewilderment. "Her parents story has been around for centuries, but only up to them getting hitched part, and it's oh so convenient that Walt kicks it just at the right time for that Isaac tool to take over, but that's still decades off between then and when Emma was born. And then take John, Michael, and Wendy. That wasn't this London. So, Pan transported them from that story realm out of time to this one, which means you can jump into a timeless universe and out of it to the 'real world' at any time. Or can you only go forward? But then Regina got that poisoned apple from the past. So, why didn't Zelena just steal a magic quill and bleed Emma for some ink? Or was that hat some super special unduplicatable thing? And if that magic bean was supposed to take me here, how did I end up there in a world that is clearly not without magic? I mean, it makes no fucking sense! It's like Merlin and the Blue Fairy made up some bullshit magical laws for the hell of it and everyone just decided when they failed to apply to just pretend not to notice it!"
"Sadly," sighed the former cricket unhappily, "the scientific method did not exist in the Enchanted Forest, Neal. Our people are prone toward taking things on faith rather than using critical thinking skills to reason out whether or not magic or love actually functions the way they have been told. I would wager that much of what our people take as fact is either only partially true or outright wrong. I fear Merlin took great umbrage with that fact, as have the various Authors. The failure to thoroughly examine the cause and ramifications of the Resurrection Crisis is just the latest proof of that."
Neal grimaced. Ah, yes, the Resurrection Crisis, if by "crisis" you meant people shrugging it off like just one more crazy surprise out of the magical fuckbarrel that was Storybrooke.
It started a few months ago with no particular rhyme or reason. On the first day, Regina's father found himself wandering down Main Street at precisely 8:15 in the morning and was nearly hit by Emma, late for work in the Bug. Also returned was Zelena, the Mayor answering a call from Dr. Whale while Emma was trying to figure out who the confused old man was... taking him to the Sheriff's Station where she found Graham inspecting his old office and trying to figure out why a grappling hook and gauntlets were hanging beside his jacket.
As the days passed, others returned.
Johanna walked down from the clock tower in a daze, giving Belle a fright, at the same time Marian was found wandering in the woods by Little John.
Some kids discovered Lancelot splashing in the middle of the city park lake while Sneezey found Stealthy standing at the sunglasses rack in the Dark Star trying to figure out why his ears and nose had shrunk.
Eva returned taking a nap on the alter of the Convent's chapel while her husband just showed up at a campsite, where he was easily entertained by a BIC lighter until the proper authorities - such as they were - showed up to fetch him.
Walsh came to in the pet shop's kennel scratching at flea bites while Charming's brother appeared by the gorge where Cruella awoke down bellow, the pair hitchhiking into town - before the latter was locked up in the Asylum with Zelena, because even if this town forgave murderers without cause, at least they were still attempting to lock of the certifiable ones with legit insanity defenses (though maybe that was really all up to revenge and not wanting to explain why Maleficent took the crazy flapper's world-hopping ride to Camelot).
There was even James' slutty mistress and giant genocidist who came to in the bean field before joining the prince in trying to create their own little fiefdom among the anti-tech rural folk with the former King George who'd never been arrested or charged for killing Billy - who awoke in his old tow truck, his overalls still covered in blood.
And apparently, the guy Cora killed to transform into Archie appeared on this very couch one day while the Doc was sorting through his file cabinet and carrying the sack of groceries he'd been taking home when he got murdered and body-morphed.
The list went on, most of the people nameless supernumeraries (a large number of them former flying monkeys, including one very angry group who arrived together at The Cannery). Though not all of the dead had returned, and there were a variety of theories on that, mostly settling on the possibility that those who'd returned had died before their time due to meddling by Isaac (not resurrected, thankfully), The Apprentice, or a previous Author (and had to be people born in the Enchanted Forest for this magic to apply). Which maybe meant the universe or magic or whatever was trying to re-balance itself, though that didn't make it any less troubling, and it just seemed foolish to decide that was the reason because it put the best positive spin on things. And, you know, because happy endings.
Sometimes Neal had wonder if maybe it was all that none of them were really real being from some crazy-ass magic world, though that would lead to an existential crisis of bullshit proportions he wasn't quite ready to tackle at present.
Whatever the case, they'd all appeared at random, no one with any memory of the after life.
Accept for Neal.
He'd been in the Vault of the Dark One, which wasn't exactly what he'd been expecting when he opened his eyes... such as it was being without real physical form. The best part was when he felt the curse leave his father... followed immediately by the worst of feeling it wrap around Emma's soul. For a brief time he'd thought maybe he could communicate with her - as he hadn't been able to his dying father - and that the love they had shared would somehow break through realms. It hadn't, though.
It was like hitting his head against a brick wall and expecting things to change. Expecting her to change.
As was every day since he'd come back.
"I just want to know why she doesn't seem to care about me at all," Neal sighed, despondent. He was on the verge of tears, but he wouldn't cry. He felt like he'd lost the ability in Neverland, cried an ocean full until there was nothing left. And then these past years in The Vault... "I'd rather have hate than this... apathy."
Grimacing, Dr. Hopper relayed, "All I can offer you, Neal, is that I know Emma has been oft times desperate to please her parents - as much as she has been to rebel against them, particularly since the revelation about her magic. If I had to guess, I would say the man she chose and the nature of that relationship has managed to satisfy both of those while also attempting to fit into the acceptable social norms of the world in which we were all born after being raised in a very unstable situation that did not instill in her a great deal of self-esteem nor a healthy understanding of interpersonal relationship dynamics."
After a pause, he expanded, "You've spent more of your life in this world than the other, and with real experience and memories, Neal. It's easy to forget that, outward appearances to the contrary, Storybrooke was created as a... fractured emulation of the Enchanted Forest, a world defined by extreme socioeconomic and gender inequality. In large part, Regina's reign of terror was a counterrevolution, if a self-centered one, against the patriarchal society that had destroyed her mother to the point of Cora having to play by the same rules that ruined her in order to get her daughter into a place of power. Instead of seeking an egalitarian society after gaining power, Regina simply reassigned herself into the masculine gender role, committing warfare atrocities and sexual assault against prisoners to demonstrate her authority. Equality of the sexes was simply not something in the vocabulary any more than one would contemplate the Magna Carta, abolition, ethical treatment of animals, or labor unions. And that has carried over to this society. We have technology and memories containing social awareness of how this world functions, but they are false constructs at odds with our true selves. One might think of it as an Id versus Ego situation in absence of a Superego. This world is reason. That world is emotion. But there is no... intermediary to reconcile them in any coherently functional way."
"So, you're saying that having two sets of memories has fucked people up? And Regina giving Emma those memories...?"
The tweed-jacketed man shifted uncomfortable at the profanity, but replied, "I suspect it plays a role, yes. When the mind is... divided or at odds in such a way, it must find a way to cope, to stay sane, and those coping mechanisms are not always healthy. I have tried to help the people of Storybrooke, but... I think it takes a well-ordered mind to come out of something so psychologically traumatizing with one's better nature in tact. It's simply unfortunate that such minds seem limited. I would attribute a certain amount of that to inbreeding."
"Yeah, unfortunate. Not exactly a strong enough word, Doc, though you're probably writing about the kissing cousins," he retorted and let out a sardonic snort. "I don't know how much more of this I can take, waiting for a change. If this is just how things are gonna be to keep everyone from going completely off the deep end short of just wiping out half their memories again, then I'm waiting for a day that's never gonna come, and that's... it's beyond depressing, Doc."
"Then maybe you need to make a change, Neal. If the people around you won't," Dr. Hopper suggested.
Neal grimaced. And how was he supposed to do that? He couldn't leave It wasn't as easy to start over with nothing now as it had been when he'd gone to Canada. Robin Hood had thrown away all of his identity stuff from his fake birth certificate to his safe deposit box key, because his old man didn't even consider Henry might want anything of his dad's (not that he seemed to, anyway). Plus, Neal was probably a person of interest in Tamara's disappearance, assuming that was even her real name. He didn't exactly have a squeaky-clean recording for which he'd gone to ground in Canada 'til that warrant expired, so that was suspicious right there. And even if he did try to start over, Killian had taken all the money from his wallet and maxed out his credit cards on leather jackets, Internet porn, and Netflix pirate movies - because he claimed he was sure it was what Neal would have wanted him to do.
But most importantly, magic followed him wherever he went. Eventually, it caught up. So, he was stuck. He couldn't leave, but he couldn't bare to stay. But he had to come up with something, because he just couldn't keep going on like this.
The clock tower chimed and Dr. Hopper shut his notepad. "Well, that's it for today," cheerfully concluded. "I think we've made some real progress here!"
Then again, Neal thought, maybe Archie Hopper was just as crazy as the rest of them!
AN: So, Ruby offered her bad Xerox copy alternate universe theory. Archie's now suggested a psychoanalytical hypothesis. Which one is right? Are they both at play? Is it something else? Also, if you were wondering, Ruby's first boyfriend Peter is back from the dead, but being traumatized by being eaten by Red, said they should see other people (just as Billy has moved on, because a mouse and werewolf? That would be just silly!). Some of the undead and their current living situation will be mentioned later. Of those who aren't, you can come up with your own ideas. I see Johanna trying to organize the peasantry for an underground revolution should they return to FTL. And if you're wondering why certain people didn't come back? Don't try to assign any logic to it. It's a bullshit plot device... Or is it? Yeah, it is. I think. Unless I change my mind later and retcon everything. It could totally happen!
Next up: Neal and Emma finally cross paths.