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Chapter Three – Lovely Five-Year Gap

January 2016

"So you got married. Just like that."

It wasn't even a question but a statement, a mere statement. There was nothing mean in it but an ounce of surprise and incomprehension nonetheless rose among the words. Implicitly. Maura started moving uncomfortably on her seat as she felt a wave of uncertainty wrap her up. She hadn't seen Isabella since their college years so they had a lot to catch back on. Her union to Jane being one of them, of course.

"We gave each other five years to find someone..."

Her argument suddenly sounded very weak. The shaking of her voice only emphasized a latent insecurity. It was the first time that someone didn't look ecstatic. Perhaps because Isabella didn't know Jane nor the relation she and Maura had. The others saw them on a daily basis. There was quite a difference.

"But Maura... Just because you haven't found someone within five years doesn't mean that it can't happen once this lapse of time is over. We don't control these things, we don't have a hold over whom we fall in love... It just happens one day and it has very little to do with a five-year gap." Isabella bit her lips. She looked very concerned, almost in pain. "The idea is very sweet thought and I am sure that you and Jane will be excellent parents but... You know... What if one of you happens to meet someone? Does your marriage mean that you have definitely drawn a line under any possible romance now?"

Maura looked down and tried to focus – cowardly enough – on her napkin. Of course she had thought about such possibility, and more than once. But since she hadn't come to any proper conclusion about it, she had simply pushed it in a corner of her mind and had gone on as if nothing had happened. As if such scenario couldn't happen.

Her love life was a disaster and Jane's wasn't any better.

"I am forty years old, Isabella. If it hasn't happened before, I don't see why nor how it would later on. That's life!" Maura grabbed her glass of wine and drowned the ounce of bitterness in her drink. She took a deep breath and forced a smile. "Jane is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am sure that you are going to love her. I mean if she ever makes it here..."

Maura cast a glance at her watch. Jane had sent her a text message to let them know that she was stuck in the Bostonian traffic but it was twenty minutes ago now. What was she doing?

"Have you slept together?"

Isabella's carefree attitude took Maura completely aback to the point that she began to blush. Heavily. Stuttering a semblance of answer that wouldn't properly come out, Maura grabbed her napkin and proceeded to unfold it before folding it again on the table. Her reaction made her classmate burst out laughing.

"Since when such conversation makes you shy? You didn't have any issue to talk about sex when we were in college. Is the Chief Medical Examiner of Massachusetts reluctant to talk about her sexual life?"

Maura let escape a chuckle. She rolled her eyes then shook her head at Isabella. She was glad to share this impromptu dinner with her. Isabella had called her to let her know that she was in Boston for a couple of days and that she would love being able to catch back on. Maura had immediately accepted but since Friday night was usually movie night with Jane, she had invited her to join them at the restaurant.

"We haven't slept together. Jane is not... She isn't attracted by women."

A brief veil of surprise seemed to embrace Isabella's blue eyes. It barely lasted a couple of seconds but Maura nonetheless saw it. Feeling in the obligation to add something, she shrugged and laughed nervously.

Not the best way to reassure a surprised Isabella.

"She doesn't know that you are, does she?" The silence that followed Isabella's question resulted enough for the woman to gasp. "Maura! Why did you remain quiet over it? It didn't use to be an issue..."

"It isn't one. I swear that I am perfectly fine with it. I simply have only dated men since I have started working with the BPD so... You know... I didn't have the occasion to say anything regarding this."

Which was true.

To an extent.

She had tried to let Jane guess a couple of times already but she hadn't found the courage to properly do it. The passing of time only made it harder now. It was too late to reveal something that seemed to mostly belong to her past anyway.

The day she had got married, she had said goodbye to any romantic life whatsoever.

"Well, good thing you're telling me now. I mean before she walks in and sits at our table. Imagine if I had said something regarding it during dinner! Maura..."

"It is okay, Isabella. She wouldn't have taken it badly if you had happened to reveal it. Yet I can assure you that Jane is... No. She is straight. End of the story."

The sharpness of Maura's tone of voice intrigued Isabella. The woman squinted her eyes at her friend and pursed her lips. Something was obviously bothering her. Words were brushing her lips, asking for nothing but a final release.

"Are you..."

The door of the restaurant got opened rather loudly. Jane stormed in and rushed to the table in a whirl of apologies, putting thus an abrupt end to whatever Isabella was about to ask Maura.

"I'm so sorry. The traffic is nuts, tonight. Like... You know, I thought I was gonna rent a helicopter or somethin'. Anyway, you must be Isabella. Nice to meet you. I'm Jane."

"Am I what?" Maura smiled at Jane yet asking her question to Isabella.

The woman observed her for a while – a long one – until a delicate smile played on her lips and she shook her head at her friend. She grabbed her glass of wine and took a sip.

"Nothing, Maura. Never mind."

The answer troubled Maura but she didn't have time to focus much on it as Jane was already asking details about the menu she was now skimming through.

...

It was the first time that we had dinner as a married couple with someone who didn't belong to our daily life. It went very well. Jane and Isabella seemed to enjoy each other's presence and I was glad to see a college classmate. I didn't think much about the question Isabella had almost asked me. It is pure cowardice. I was too afraid to imagine what it could be because, deep inside, I probably knew what she had wanted to tell me.

I know that your mother says I am brave but this isn't true. Jane lies. I have never been brave when it comes to my inner-self.

Some things are too scaring for me to accept them.

It must be weird for you to hear about all this because this is not the environment you grew in. You never got to see our colleagues tease us about this strange union. You never heard the jokes they used to make about us.

Everything had changed by the time you came to this world.

Isabella moved to Costa Rica within the year. We are still in touch even if we haven't had the chance to see each other again. I know that you are going to tell me that I don't stop saying it about absolutely everything but she represents a symbol in our journey because she was the first person out of our close entourage to know about our plans. She was the first person to whom I refer to Jane as my wife – even if by then it was only a matter of legal status – and the first one who dared to raise something very true about our respective romantic lives.

We knew that this five-year gap was just a façade. We knew that, just as Isabella had said it, there was still the possibility that we met someone once we were married.

But the day we tied the knot, we accepted to renounce to it. And it didn't hurt, it didn't turn to be an issue. Not the slightest bit... Probably because Jane and I were already a couple. We didn't sleep together but we were exclusive to each other, we didn't let anyone else enter our world. We were sufficient to each other.

And then, there is the rest; all the things we didn't dare to accept by then.

This is exactly what Isabella tried to confront me with. You have no idea how relieved I was to see Jane literally storm in this restaurant and put an end to a conversation that I wasn't ready to have.

We came back home quite late that night. I brewed some tea and we kept on talking about life, about our plans. I remember that we had to buy some plants for the patio and that we disagreed on which ones to get.

We led such a domestic life! And it sounded so right.

I don't believe in fate, all these things. I am a scientist, my whole life is based on facts that science can explain. Yet I have to admit that I can't help but think that meeting Jane was anything but an accident. It was meant to be, just like the rest. Our wedding, you. Us.

You and your mother give sense to my life, every single day. I know that I don't say it enough so I would like to take advantage of this moment to let you know that I love you. I love the two of you in such a powerful way that there isn't a single word able to properly express my feelings.

Don't tell me it sounds cliché. Please. Don't hide behind this kind of excuse. Not now. I loved you even before you existed, even before I had the chance to see you. I loved you for what you meant, for the way you brought Jane and I together and somehow made of us a single entity. I loved you for all of this.