CHAPTER SIX: CRAZY STUPID LUV
(In which Killian grumbles about in-laws, Emma flips out, and Cora is up to something.)
Killian sat at the counter in Granny's, pretending to have a pleasant laugh with Mary Margaret after failing to polish off his Irished up coffee before the brunet pushed her insanely large pram into the establishment and volunteered him to help untangle some yarn so she could work on her crochet lessons from Granny, making booties or something for the baby, which was a lost cause given they all looked like they were for Ursula's octopus babies.
To be honest, he'd stopped listening to the words coming out of her mouth after it veered into the self-righteous over the latest "with the best of intentions" fiasco in the Charming family that had something to do with her un-deceased mother, Charming's evil twin, and the latest hubub at the hick forest compound where old King George liked to rile up the crazies and disenchanted lesser royals with conspiracy theories in the hopes of carrying out a coupe against Regina and The Charmings - which was itself crazy, because who would actually want to run this bumfuck town? There was a time when Killian had enjoyed playing the anarchist revolutionary, fighting against the establishment to undermine an authoritarian monarchy ruled by a hypocritical king, but, well... it all seemed pretty riddiculous when they were living in a town the size of most feudal fiefdoms to have the royals squabbling over which cul'du sacs belonged to which kingdom, if they should really be using "American coinage", and not a single one of them even considering they ought to have elections for anything after all of the shit they flung at Regina after the Dark Curse broke for appointing herself Mayor.
So, of course, he would get dragged into the "right side" of the familial fiasco as he did every one since Neverland, regardless of what he actually thought about these people. Because, of course, if he'd sat Emma down on that dock and told her that he thought her parents were a couple of hypocritical, slow-witted pillocks who didn't deserve forgivess for being uttelry selfish and incompetant in every single thing they'd ever done their entire lives... well... it was unlikely that he'd have gotten laid.
And bugger all did he have to endure a lot to get some Savior tale. Quite frankly, Snow White, or Mary Margaret or whatever she wanted to go by at any given moment, was probably about seventy-five percent of that "lot".
The only thing worse than having to infiltrate one of those meetings to gather intel was being stuck in the middle of Emma's mother being a selfish, insensitive, dimwitted bint whining about her family troubles. Why didn't her mommy want to spend time with her little Princess Ruthie? Ugh. Was she so disappointed in the leader and mother Snow had turned out to be that she didn't invite her along on her "Mother Theresa" (whoever that was) mission? And, of course, Why did her daddy spend more time with Regina's daddy than her? Was he disappointed in her?
Killian wanted to shout at her, "Of course they are, you stupid cow! You're a delusional, self-righteous, idiot who couldn't even run this town for a day without fucking it up and whose children would be taken away by those foster care people if you lived in the real world!"
He didn't, though. He just listened to her sappy phone conversation with Charming about picking up diapers and making tacos later. TeeHee!
The pirate threw up a little in his mouth.
He really really hated Emma's parents.
"Sucking up to the mother-in-law?" a voice dripping in amusement drew Killian from his brooding and he scowled at Cora, who'd sidled up unnoticed. He'd always hated how she did that. The Crocodile had probably taught her, since even without his dark powers and with that limp he could still ooze into a room like carbon monoxide - one of those pesky chemicals that if you didn't vent a power plant properly could build up and render maintenance workers unconscious or dead, resulting in lawsuits - not that Snow White seemed to care about that, because if her tits didn't drip toxic gases, then it had nothing to do with an electrical grid. He'd had the sense to get a book on at the library, and he didn't even have fake memories of how this world worked!
"What do you want, witch?" he grunted while giving Cora a proper stink eye.
"Oh, playing hero has made you so judgmental," she clicked her tongue. "But still woefully unobservant, I see. Always lost in your own little world. Oblivious to the dangers lurking all around."
"The only lurking dangers here are that brat and you. Playing the loving grandmother hasn't made you any less unwelcomingly intrusive, Cora."
"I was never pretending to be otherwise, Killian. I know what I am, heart or no heart. You, my dear, are just a pathetic pretender."
"Emma says otherwise. She says I'm a hero," Killian boasted, puffing his chest up, which just drew a harsh laugh from the old bat.
"And you think you're one because of that? Who's more the fool? The fool or the fool who follows him?"
With that, she plucked a take-away bag from the counter and sashayed out the door.
Killian scowled. Crazy Mills women.
"Oh, I know!" Mary Margaret cooed. "Leia Hope!"
Killian forced a smile and a cheerful, "I'm sure Emma will love that," while resisting the urge to throttle her.
If it wasn't insulting enough that the two barmy royals named their second child for Neal after betraying the lad as surely as Killian ever had - only villains were supposed to be that duplicious and of course aware of it, which just made their clueless "we did a good thing because we are awesome and blameless" routine an insult to villains and heroes everywhere - Snow Not So Bright was meddling in naming his child. The nerve of that nosey, meddling, pea-brained woman!
If Killian had listen to Mary Margaret prattle on about "Little Prince Charles or Princess Leia" for much longer...
There was no way in hell either of those names would do. First and foremost because Snow White was in the habit of "squeeing" over them, a descriptive that was apparently meant for girls Henry's age, and Killian would have no child of his named by a woman with even less emotional depth and maturity than her eldest daughter, who had actual childhood trauma to justify it.
Well, all right, so Snow White had failed to kill some poor sap as a tot to save her mother whom she spent the rest of her life trying to emulate as some perfect martyr to the cause of perfection because her lying sack of shit father never sat her down to tell her, "Now, sweetiepie, it's not that I was delayed at a very important diplomatic summit that your mother organized and would have wanted me to attend as her last legacy even if it meant missing her funeral. Really, it's that your mother was a horrible person who drove my true love to villainy after publicly shaming her twice, once for political gain, and twice just for a good laugh, which I only found out after I had married her and you were born after a good ten years of her keeping from getting pregnant by duplicitous means until I finally got fed up with it and slipped a fertility potion into her wine - and I was still hoping for a son. And it's not as though you know what real parent-child relationships are like, anyway, what with us living in separate wings of this giant castle and you being raised by that servant woman you treated like gutter trash."
Regardless, and childhood trauma or not, the woman was so dumb. She didn't even know when witner was. Unless, during one of his longer stays in Neverland between supply runs, the Enchanted Forest had been replaced by that Game of Thrones world or something.
But her mental incompetence aside, Killian was not going to have any child of his named for a big-eared inbreeder who'd betrayed a beautiful princess to shag a horse-faced nobody, and furthermore let his Queen mummy steal his regal birthrite by not stepping down from the throne at a sensible age of somewhere under 100. Or some mouthy tart who wore pastries on her head and made out with her own brother before marrying a pirate. No daughter of his would marry a pirate. No way in hell was he going to be as stupid as Charming! Of course, if the potion he slipped into Emma's hot chocolate was worth the doubloons he'd paid for it, they'd have a son, anyway, and he would be named Liam. Liam Killian Jo-
Killian let out a mental "bugger" as a knitting needle flew past his ear, nearly imbedding itself the back of an unsuspecting Dwarf's head (Sleazy or Droopy), before hitting the dartboard smack-dab in the bullseye. Which would have been impressive, if not for being incredibly dangerous.
Killian leveled a glare at the child who giggled. He truly hated the little sack of snot. A few other customers had clearly noticed the near-miss but said nothing, all of them too chicken-shit, apparently, to criticize Queen Snow's nonexistent parenting abilities. He was not one of them. But he was also more inclined to just sneak up on Snow White with some poppy dust while she was bathing the little demon spawn and let the brat drown, since she wouldn't listen anyway.
Oh, it would be very wrong, of course, but Killian figured not much more wrong than The Charmings pouring dark magic into an innocent baby and shipping it to this world just to save themselves from the risk of being bad parents that failed to instill good moral judgment in their daughter and instead forced her to become some super-magical messiah. Or Emma killing Zelena and her unborn babe - and she had the excuse of being the Dark One at the time, not just an entitled dumb-shit who couldn't stand the thought of her child having some manner of deformity. Sure, looks were highly important, but if he learned his progeny was to turn out a hideous hunchback, he'd just find the lad some bell to toll rather than cursing some other innocent with hideousness just so he wouldn't have to lie that little Liam couldn't attend the ball because he was off at boarding school, lest anyone know he'd spawned a less than perfect child. After all, one could always have more children.
Though she and Charming really shouldn't. It was a pity that the ingredients for sterility potions were not readily available here. Perhaps he could non-lethally poison the woman and threaten Whale into pretending to remove her appendix while tying her tubes instead. At least have something good come out of those books on pregnancy he was being forced to read!
Another knitting needle went flying, this one missing the Dwarf's head only because it stopped suddenly and dropped to the counter. Unsurprisingly, a moment later a shock of blond hair caught his attention, Emma striding in from the direction of the Inn.
Killian broke into a broad smile.
She made it all worth it. Emma Swan with her ethereal glow, his angel, his Bontachelli's Venus - he had bought Belle a bottle of fine wine for giving him that compliment after it got him thoroughly fucked aboard his ship! Oh, he'd loved Milah, but that woman was high maintenance, always demanding jewels and fancy clothes. Sure, Milah was open to three-ways, which he'd yet to entice Emma into with that dragoness friend of hers, but he was sure he could wear her down by Lily's next visit. Anyway, the additional amount of time spent having sex instead of acquiring jewels and fancy clothes - which he could get via the Interweb, anyway - made up for the blonde being far less uninhibited and kinky than he'd thought she would be... before he realized that her empowered attitude was actually a common thing here rather than her being a diamond in the rough like Milah - and actually far less empowered than, say, that wench who had that Huntsman-look-alike tie her up in his secret sex vault.
Still, Milah was ancient history that the fates clearly saw no reason to drop back into his life, thus cementing his certainty that he and Emma were destined by benevolent gods to grow old (but not ugly) together. And, besides, Emma was The Savior and a princess, and pregnancy had enhanced her boobs to something similar to that "Wonder Bra" trickery, and even if he'd have to deal with the otherwise unsightly pregnancy matters that men here were expected to find sexy and involve themselves in, it got him status and knighthood and the mark of hero. Of course, it would have been better if that Snow White hadn't slipped some fertility cocktail into Emma's hot chocolate. Not that he had proof, but he was quite sure Emma had been vigilant in taking those little pills as he was not going to wear one of those sheath things due to the "latex and lanolin allergy" he'd convinced Dr. Whale to write for him!
Well, from the bosom up and her fine bum, of course, Emma was still a vision, and given how her parents behaved with their brats, he figured they would keep to the royal practice of foisting their spawn off on someone else to raise until it was old enough to take sailing and teach valuable gambling and getting laid lessons!
"Emma, luv!" Killian beamed as she approached, her hand raising up to caress. "You're looking particularly-"
He was taken completely by surprise when instead the hand smacked him hard across the face, sending him tumbling back. "What the h-"
"MILAH WAS NEAL'S MOTHER!?" Emma screeched, hazel eyes furious.
Aw, bullocks! "Erm... pardon?" he coughed, feigning ignorance, as it worked about ninety-five percent of the time, though was generally more successful if he also had his flask to share, which was problematic of late since alcohol apparently caused birth defects - which perhaps explained Snow's mental deficiency, what with the royals drinking a keg of wine at every meal.
The whole diner had gone silent and Emma stared him down. "Answer the question, Killian. Was the woman that Gold killed, that you vowed your undying love for, that you spent three hundred years seeking to avenge, whose name is tattooed on your arm, MY SON'S GRANDMOTHER!?"
He blinked, then shrugged casually. "It was three centuries ago, luv, I don't really see-"
She hit him again.
"Owe!"
"You fucked me in the same bed as Neal's mother!?"
"Pretty sure Blackbeard changed the shee-"
Smack!
"iiit, woman!"
"When we were in Neverland, did you tell Neal we had sex!?"
"Well... it was more... that I implied our dalliance was of the intimate variet-OUCH, DAMN IT!" Killian howled when the openhanded slap turned to a close-fist punch in the nose.
"Oh, shut up! You've punched enough women in the face that you can take it!" Emma snarled. "What really happened between you and Neal in Neverland? The first time? Were you actually friends?"
"Erm... well... for a time, aye, we... thing is... he wasn't too keen on staying aboard after he found out about me and his mum, that she hadn't been raped and killed by pirates but rather happily ravished by one, and Pan wanted payment-"
"You handed Neal over to Pan for spite!?"
"It was more like... protection. He wanted the boy, the boy didn't want to stay-"
"BECAUSE HE FOUND OUT HIS MOTHER LEFT HIM TO BE RAVISHED BY YOU!" Emma shouted and kneed him in the groin for good measure.
"Emma!" Mary Margaret gasped, pulling her back. "You shouldn't-"
"Oh, shut up!" Emma snapped her. "You're too busy knitting to even notice my sister nearly giving Happy a lobotomy!"
"Emma-"
"BACK OFF!" she growled and a wave of magic pushed her mother and everyone else back. Even little Princess Ruthie's levitated toys went flying back into the diner's walls... which, of course, set the kid to wailing.
"You're scaring your sister!" Snow cried while Killian tried to get up, but slammed back into the wall, then fell back to the floor.
"Look who's on their back now!" Emma snapped. "Did you mean it when you had a sword at my throat? Was that really just bawdy talk to distract me? Or if I hadn't given in to your charms, would you have gotten me drunk and jabbed me with your 'sword'? Was that what all the rum was about in Neverland? Offer enough, maybe we would have a 'dalliance'? Our first date that you pouted through because I refused the wine to stay sober? Oh, but you'll be far more pliable to my chams if you have some wine, love. It was something like that, wasn't it? But not really a joke, was it? And after finding out about Ingrid, again, out pops the rum flask! Have the whole thing and cry on my shoulder, Emma! Upset about your parents lying? Have some rum, Emma, and see how much I need you to need me! Having trouble dealing with all the shit you did as the Dark One, get sloshed with me and have hate sex. I bet you only held off telling me about your fucking ship because you thought you had me hot and bothered and needed just a little bit of a emotional 'oh, he's so brave and self-sacrificing' spiel to get me up to your room! Oh, the pity that plan was derailed by Zelena. But you got me anyway and your ship. Some sacrifice. Were you even telling the truth that you didn't remember meeting me in the past? Or was that bullshit too? Just like whatever the hell you've been telling Henry about being best mates with his father and how to pick up girls by getting them drunk!"
The door to the diner opened, David barging in. He'd been in the squad car just turning on Main, looking cool with his new Ray-Bans, when he'd gotten a call of an assault at Granny's, but the last thing he'd expected to find was his wife pulling his daughter off a bloody-faced Killian laying on his back behind the counter while Emma hit him with a broom - and Mary Margaret tried to get to a screaming Ruth in her high chair as tableware flew around the baby, slashing at her rather hideous orange jacket.
"OWE BLOODY HELL, WOMAN!"
"ANSWER ME!" Emma bellowed. "ANSWER ME NOW OR SO HELP ME, I WILL RIP YOUR HEART OUT AND MAKE YOU TELL THE TRUTH!"
"YES!" he croaked out. "Yes, all right!? You were just a pretty wench who betrayed me! You had it coming! But I did fall in love with you! I just wanted to hurry it along! You were so damned resistant, always pushing me away, telling me 'no' when your eyes said 'yes'! And when we got back from our detour to the past... it was more a... a feeling that we had a connection. So, really, the second time around-"
"I was a pretty wench who not only left you to die on a beanstalk, I seduced you, clocked you over the head, and robbed you!?"
"Well... perhaps of a fashion, but with a hint of intrigue?" he tried to defend himself and flinched in antiquation of another blow that didn't come. "You resembled that woman, minus the scar above her breast-"
"So, I inadvertently planted some fucking notion in your already perverted mind that we were meant to be together?" Emma hissed. "That's what you're saying? Because according to Zelena, you babbled on about how I was your destined one true love before all of that!"
"All right... perhaps... I became a bit... infatuated with some... fantasies during that year. It was very lonely trying to abstain from any other w-OWE!"
"You knew me for five days!" Emma shouted. "FIVE DAYS! We met a handful of times before that when you TRIED TO KILL ME! Climbing a giant fucking phallic symbol means true love to you? Actually, I'm not surprised!"
"Emma, luv, I'm sorry that I lied!" Killian gasped. "I was just afraid that if you knew the truth, I'd lose you!"
"Yeah, well, you got that right," she hissed, removing her ring. "Giving me the same ring you gave my kid's grandmother. That's just sick."
She threw it at him, turned on her heel and walked out, slamming the door so hard the bell fell off.
No one spoke.
Ruth stopped crying, her cyclone of forks, knives, and spoons clattering to the floor and Snow rushed in to grab her, scoop her up, and soothing her with cooing words.
Killian pushed himself to his feet, and holding his side, gave pursuit of the blonde, out the door with a shout of "EMMA, WAIT!", barely escaping a rather large butcher knife from behind the counter that struck the door, cutting several of the venetian blinds before clattering to the floor.
Ruby leveled The Charmings with a stern look. "You know what? I've had it with you. I'm banning all your kids from the premises. They need help. Like serious help. I'm not kidding. Get your parenting shit together before someone gets killed!"
The yellow flashing of her eyes made Ruthie whimper and tuck her little head under Snow's chin while Charming looked between the mess his youngest had created and what was probably gearing up to be another magic storm rained down by his eldest outside and wondered, not for the first time, if he should have stayed on that farm.
But then he caught his reflection in the chrome napkin dispenser with his cool Ray-Bans, new leather jacket, and manly shoulder holster and gun that would make Dirty Harry envious, and thought, nah, it was totally worth it!
AN: Snow White of Season 3-4 always make me think of Lucy in Epic Movie: the Dumbshit. And Charming is such a douche, am I right? Dude loves power just as much his brother, he's just incompetent at using it. Actually, so was James, he just looked bad-ass. I think of Sheriff Charming like a character from Reno 911; all he needs is a pair of booty shorts. And did you catch the non-Leia Star Wars reference? Also, no offense to British people. Hook's views do not reflect my own. Oh, and Baby Ruth is a nod to Rosemary's Baby, which was once Ginny's Halloween costume, though I don't think she's the Antichhrist!
Next up: Neal resolves his crisis with his usual bad timing.