Caroline drove her car onto the stones of the driveway which sounded amplified in the quietness of the night. She saw the light through the gap in the sitting room curtains of her mother's flat and feared the worst. She walked into her hallway and kicked off her shoes. She nipped into the downstairs toilet to check her makeup wasn't too much of a mess after the emotional meeting with Kate.
She came out to find her mother standing at the bottom of the stairs with her hands resting on her hips.
"Oh you're home are you? I thought you'd got lost. You do know it's gone midnight don't you?"
"God mother you frightened the death out of me. Yes I do know the time mother. Is everything alright? The house is still standing so I guess there wasn't any great disaster or emergency?"
"Very funny. Did you and Kate have a good time tonight then?"
Caroline had turned to walk into the kitchen and stopped mid stride turning back to face her mother. She could tell by the look on her mother's face that she had suspicions.
"Yes Mother. However, I don't want to talk about this tonight. Could we leave it until tomorrow please?"
"What's there to say Caroline? Are you and this women having…well…..relations?"
"Mother I'm very tired. It's been a long emotional night and I'd like to go to bed. I don't want to get into an argument with you now. Can we please talk about this tomorrow?"
"I thought you had got rid of this nonsense when you were at university. I thought you'd got it out of your system. Why start it again? Can't you see that everyone will be talking about you? You must know no good will come of it."
Caroline sighed heavily and walked across to the sofa near the dining table. She pulled out a chair and invited her mother to sit down by gesturing with her hand.
"I guess your answer to my question is 'no' then mother."
Caroline sighed heavily and looked at the floor before gathering her thoughts.
"In answer to your questions which are multiple, no I haven't got 'it' out of my system. My life with John has been a huge lie mother. I've been physically existing but emotionally dead. I wouldn't change having William and Lawrence for the world but everything else was a lie. I like women and I always have. I married John to please you but I've been very unhappy for the last 18 years. I've met a lovely women called Kate and its very early but I'm optimistic about the future. She is kind, caring and very pretty. I'd like you to meet her sometime and I think you would like her very much."
"Why would I want to meet her? I don't agree with this Caroline. It's not normal or right. You're not a…...well you know. One of them. You're pretty for one thing and you don't dress like a man."
Caroline laughed at the absurdness of her mother's profile of a lesbian.
"Mum, being gay isn't about what you wear or whether you're pretty or not. It's about how I feel inside. I'm attracted to women and I always have been. I've just been kidding myself in order to please you. But the fact of the matter is I like sex with women."
"Caroline please. That's disgusting and I don't want to know the details about what you've been up to. Besides you hardly know her."
"Then go to bed and leave me alone. You're the one who wanted to talk about it. I'm extremely tired but I won't be changing my mind. If you're calmer tomorrow we can talk about it further. I'd appreciate it if you don't tell anyone else yet. I'll need to tell the boys and John at some point."
"You're not seriously telling the boys about this are you? Why do they need to know?"
Caroline was getting angrier by the minute.
"Mother, I will be telling the boys because I would like to have Kate round for dinner in the future and I don't want to hide from them. However, I'd like them to hear it from me and not a bigoted old….."
Celia's face soured further and Caroline regretted her outburst.
"Sorry, sorry, mum. Look, I'm really tired."
"Well, I think it's disgusting and abnormal."
Caroline walked off towards the stairs in a dismissive stance, fed up of her mother's critical assessment of her. "Yeah I heard it the first time you said it to me 20 years ago. The problem is you're going to have to get used to it. I'm not listening to your bigotry and I'm not hiding it anymore. I'm a hell of lot wiser and way too old to keep pretending. Lock the door on the way out."
Celia was furious, left standing in a darkened hallway as Caroline turned the light off using the switch at the top of the stairs.
Caroline lay in bed having had a shower in an attempt to rid the hurt her mother's words had caused her. The tears fell quickly as she entered the safety of her bedroom. She was clear with her words but inside her insecurities came flooding back. Why did she have to justify who she was and to her mother of all people. The one person she wanted support from was not willing to give the one thing which cost nothing.
She calmed herself and quickly sent a text to Kate updating her on her chat with her mother. It wasn't long before she received a text back. Caroline smiled at her lover's soothing reply, feeling herself overcome with joy wiping away the judgements of her mother. She exchanged a few texts before turning over falling fast asleep.
She woke to hear the birds singing and the bright light shining through the gap in her curtains. She jumped up having had another fantastic restful sleep. She smiled as she walked into the shower before realisation dawned that she would be telling Lawrence and William about her and Kate.
She dressed and went down the stairs hearing noises from the kitchen which told her the boys were up.
"Morning mum. Did you have a nice night?"
"Yes I did thank you William."
Lawrence was leaning into the fridge as usual. "Did you and Granny have a fight last night mum? Only I heard her shouting something about 'abnormal'.
Caroline busied herself with making herself a coffee before walking over to the breakfast island. William sensed the change in the atmosphere and looked from his book to his mother. He mouthed to her if she was alright and she shook her head slightly. She couldn't lie.
"Lawrence, can you come here for a minute please? I need to tell you and William something about why Granny and I had a disagreement last night."
Lawrence took a seat next to his brother who had now put his book down and was frowning. Caroline took a seat opposite her two beautiful sons. She looked down towards her feet and took a deep breath in readiness for what she was about to say.
"The thing is last night I went out for a meal with a fr…..a lady called Kate."
Caroline stopped and changed her approach.
"Okay. So. When I was at university I had a relationship with a woman called Pat. I was in love with her but Granny was very angry with me and didn't agree with it, so I stopped it. I met your father and we started a relationship, eventually getting married and I thought I loved him but deep down I wasn't happy. I don't regret it because I have the two of you and I wouldn't change having you for the world. I love you both very dearly. But I have met someone…..Kate. It is early days but I like her very much. So you see I'm…I like women, not men."
Caroline fought to stop her tears. William got up and went round to take his mother in a huge hug. This meant so much to Caroline and she pulled away from William half smiling through her tears.
"I love you mum."
"Thank you William. I love you too."
Caroline looked across at Lawrence. "Lawrence, what about you?"
Lawrence didn't answer his mother he simply stared at her with his mouth open. After a short time he frowned.
"So you've turned into a Lesbian? Why?"
"Don't be so stupid you idiot. You don't turn into anything. Didn't you listen to what mum said. She was in love with a woman when she was younger."
"Shut up, you puff."
"Lawrence please, stop being abusive to your brother and do not use that language. I won't embarrass you at school but I won't hide this. I want you to know that it doesn't alter how I feel about you both. I love you very much."
Lawrence was angry. "Why do you have to tell people? Can't you just keep it quiet?"
"No Lawrence I can't. It's who I am and I want to be happy."
Lawrence started to cry and feeling upset he ran from the room up the stairs.
William shook his head. "I'm sorry mum. He's such an idiot."
"William please don't say that. Lawrence is younger than you and he's finding your father leaving much harder than you are."
Caroline left William and walked up the stairs to Lawrence's room. She knocked on the closed door, receiving no reply and hearing sobs she pushed the door open and entered.
"Lawrence? I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I know your father leaving has hit you hard and now this, but I won't hide anymore."
Lawrence had buried himself under his pillow and sat up taking his mum into a hug. "I don't want them to be mean to you."
"I can handle them Lawrence. It's you I'm worried about."
Caroline watched as Lawrence went out the door to be picked up by Angus' dad for his Rugby match. "Good luck and let me know the result."
William was upstairs in his room reading as usual. Caroline called to him that she was going out. He came down the stairs to greet his mum.
"I'll be okay mum. You have a nice time with Kate. I'll get myself a sandwich, don't worry."
"Thank you. I love you."
As Caroline drove to Kate's house she had mixed emotions. She was excited to see Kate again but still anxious about having caused more pain for her boys.
She rang and told Kate earlier who immediately asked her to come over so they could see one another.
Caroline stopped her car outside Kate's house. She waited a few minutes trying to slow her breathing and to stop her heart from racing.
Kate opened the door as Caroline walked down the driveway towards her. Caroline's heart was making her shaky. She tried to steady her breathing but the sight of Kate sent her over the edge. Caroline was falling very deep.