CHAPTER NINE: STUPID CUPID
(In which Emma and the readers finally get some answers!)
The sterile smell of the hospital brought Emma back to awareness. She found herself in a bed in a private room. Her right leg was in a thick cast from her knee to around her ankle and foot pinned into a traction harness and her left wrist was in one of those hard Velcro wrap splints.
As she was trying recall anything that might explain why she was here, the glass door opened and, Emma focused on Dr. Whale as she groaned out, "Fuck I feel like I got hit by a car…" That jogged something. "Wait I did? And it was my car?"
"Well, yes, though technically it was due to a van hitting your car and pinning your leg against a light pole," the doctor replied, flipping open her chart. "You're very lucky to be alive. Seems Walter fell asleep behind the wheel. Frankly, I'm surprised it's taken this long for him to hit someone. Anyway, he and Leroy only have minor injuries and were released. Your injuries were more severe. Fractured skull, broken ribs, your leg... The broken bone nicked an artery which required a transfusion, but thankfully it was a clean break, so the cast should be off in four to six weeks. The skull fracture, that was the real issue. It caused some increased intercranial pressure, so we put in a shunt to drain fluid."
Emma gingerly reached up and felt the port protruding from her head. Confused, she asked, "Why... I couldn't be healed with magic?"
"The same reason that Mr. Jones could not be saved by magic, I'm afraid. Magic," Dr. Whale stated, as though that made perfect sense.
"Killian," Emma uttered, snippets of memory coming back of them arguing. "He... he's-?"
"Was hit by the aforementioned van, which was apparently full of unprocessed fairy dust which blocks all non-fairy magic or something. Frankly, half of the stuff you people spout about your almighty mystical mojo sounds like a contradictory crock of shit."
"Killian's dead," Emma managed. She should feel horrible. Her husband was dead. The father of her-
Her hand went to her stomach. "My baby?"
"Oh, right, you were never pregnant."
"But I had an ultrasound," Emma stated, her mind spinning.
"According to Rumplestiltskin, magic can alter video footage as he has used this method before to pin his criminal dealings on others. It would certainly explain why the machine went on the fritz when I tried to print the images. The neurosyphilis combined with magic could have resulted in the manifestation of a hallucination."
"Syphilis!? Like... the old-timey venereal disease?"
"Most well known amongst sea-fairing folk for their promiscuous sexual behavior and terrible hygiene," said Whale matter-of-factly, "so you most-likely got it from Mr. Jones either from an oral chancre or intercourse. Considering that I have seen that you two make-out like you are trying to strip paint off the inside of each others mouths with your tongues while dry humping, I'd say either is equally likely. At this point, it's impossible to say if you aquired it before or after you went off to New York, what with also suffering brain damage from a raging case of Herpes B. Both of which caused a hormone imbalance that resulted in higher than normal HCB levels and water retention. And, of course, deviant sexual behavior and other mental health issues."
"But.. we were both tested for STDs."
"Oh, yes, well, antibodies complicate diagnostic testing for herpesvirus simiae, which you must have gotten from your boyfriend Walsh, due to their high level of cross-reactivity, that is, potential for both false-positive and false-negative results. And this particular strain of syphilis only shows up in spinal fluid, which is why you were both negative when you had an STD test, and I wasn't just saying that then because Mr. Jones threatened to castrate me with a butter knife if I revealed any unsavory discoveries, as he clearly either failed to understand doctor-patient confidentiality or didn't care...
"Although, this particular strain qualifies as a public health emergency which preempts that confidentiality, so I had to inform Regina of your infection and have requested that everyone get tested, first and foremost those exhibiting lowered inhibitions, irrational decision making, and increasingly, well, horny, and obsessive sexual and fixated behavior - hence the term 'Cupid's Disease', which is likely how syphilis first spread, with those carriers who were spared the horrible physical lesions and other deformities - as nothing spreads faster than a sexually transmitted disease carried by pretty, horny, obsessive people with extremely poor judgment.
"Of which the Enchanted Forest seems to have more than the usual percentage. I wouldn't be surprised if this strain originated in this world and one of those portal-happy authors transported it to the Enchanted Forest where it met a magical host and mutated into the mother of all venereal diseases through all of the inbreeding and attempts to treat with magic rather than simple penicillin. And I'm not sure I even want to speculate how a man being turned into a flying monkey resulted in a rare venereal disease. Regardless, I expect there will be a lot of outcry and public hearings about invasion of privacy and 'medicine is evil quackery' from the second generation curse group of Enchanted Forest rednecks, so I'd make sure that boy of yours has a sock drawer full of condoms, just to be on the safe side. Better safe than a brain full of hungry spirochetes, I always say..."
He made a note on his chart, before continuing, "Well, accept for Mr. Jones. He was a sociopath, so if spirochetes hadn't munched on his brain, never mind the herpes you gave him, he'd probably never have experienced anything close to genuine emotion. Syphilis was probably the best thing to happen to him... and anyone who avoided becoming a victim of his murderous intentions after his violent obsessive behavior was mutated into emo-teenage boyish infatuation.
"Anyway, the progression of both of your infections were retarded somewhat so as not to be quickly fatal. Perhaps it was having both infections or something to do with magic. Anyway, it's all very exciting research, and we're going to try using stem cells and hormone replacement therapy to repair at least some of the damage, so don't despair too much! Really, that we caught it now is a good thing. With that fever you came in with, you could have dropped dead from incurable encephalitis by tomorrow!" Dr. Whale cheerfully informed.
Closing her chart, he concluded, "I'll refer you to Dr. Hopper for mandatory therapy sessions in dealing with any remaining deviant sexual behavior or hallucinations after you've completed the treatment and we do some FMRI scans to check your brain activity and blood flow in the damaged areas."
"You're saying I... went kind of... crazy today because of a syphilis and herpes?" Emma asked while still trying to process that she was never pregnant and Killian was dead.
Shrugging, the Doctor declared, "Sometimes true love is just an STD!"
AN: I could have called this chapter "The Don Draper Effect". If you were a Mad Men viewer, you'll know that some bloggers theorized Don's sexual promiscuity, boozing, and general asshole attitude (on top of hallucinations toward the end) was due to neurosyphilis. That aside, take the medicine here with a House and Wikipedia grain of salt. But it's Once Upon A Time where you can save a drowning victim with CPR that's just kissing them, so logic is bullshit.
Next up: If you love Zelena, you'll be happy. If you hate Zelena... hopefully, you'll still be happy. I had fun with this one.