He was gone.
She couldn't breathe. Her eyes were blurred with unshed tears. Her hands shook where they fell, clenched against her sides. Her stomach burned with pain that rose up through her chest and tore at her throat. She could feel the sobs rising, bubbling around the dryness in her mouth.
Gone. Forever, just like that.
Slowly, the tears began to fall. One by one they traversed down her cheeks and off her jaw, leaving glistening trails in their wake. Gulping for air, she reached out for the wall behind her and slid down against it, tucking her knees into her chest and wrapping her arms around herself. The sobbing started then, muffled cries escaping her mouth even as she fought to contain them. It was no use; the strangled sounds coming from her throat becoming louder and more inhumane.
The cold tile of the floor beneath her was seeping through her pajamas, though she was too numb to shiver. She felt empty and lifeless and cheated; she hadn't even got to hold him. A low wail rang out around her, guttural and wracked with despair, roaring from deep within her soul. Her eyes were stinging from the tears; her throat felt like it was on fire.
He was gone.
"Kate? Kate, open the door!"
Frantic knocking sounded on the other side of the bathroom door; Rick's voice was desperate and worried.
Her mind was telling her to open the door, but her body couldn't get off the floor. Shaking with sadness, Kate buried her head against her knees, shutting her eyes tightly and willing the pain to stop.
A splintering sound shot through the room, the door flying open and slamming against the wall; one of its hinges twisting with the ferocity of Rick's well aimed kick. He stood in the doorway for a second, his eyes searching for Kate in the dimness of the bathroom. She was there, huddled against the wall, her body shaking continuously from the sobs that were rattling through her bones.
"Kate…" Rick said anxiously, stepping into the room and crouching down beside his wife. He wanted to hold her, comfort her, but her curled up form prevented him from doing much more than wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
Shifting, Rick sat down next to her, tugging on her legs until she moved; sitting up, her legs bent up over his. One of his arms lay over her knees, the other still wrapped around her shoulders, bringing her torso flush against the side of his. Her head fell into the groove of his neck; her hands lay limp in her lap. The tears continued to fall and her sobs continued to echo around the room. Rick whispered endless comfort, fingers stroking through her hair, the other hand firm on her leg.
He was gone.
Their feet hit the floor at an astounding rate, their footsteps ringing out throughout the corridor. Kate had managed to throw her NYPD sweater on over her pajamas, Rick trailing behind her pulling on a pair of sweats.
Liberty had waited outside their room, standing against the wall opposite. They'd barely seen her, sprinting down the hallway to the stairs and down to Harrison in mere seconds. A couple of nurses looked up from their station in alarm at the sound of two frantic people hurtling past them, their faces changing to understanding when they saw who it was. That was the thing about this hospital-it was close knit. There were only two other babies in the NICU with Harrison, so the nurses were very attached to each of them.
Reaching the nursery window first, Rick cast his eyes over his son's incubator. His sons empty incubator. Kate was beside him then, with wide eyes and her mouth opened in an empty gasp.
"Where is he?" Kate managed, her voice raw.
Liberty's voice sounded behind them, causing the two of them to whip their heads around in desperation.
"Doctor Marshall has taken Harrison into surgery. He developed a small bleed on the brain; one of the blood vessels ruptured." Her voice was quiet, confident and reassuring.
Kate's face registered nothing but shock; reaching out a hand behind her, she felt for the wall and slipped down against it, bringing her other hand up to her mouth, pressing firmly to soften the gasps coming out.
Rick blinked his eyes furiously, finding his voice. "He's…uh, he's so little. Is it safe to do surgery on him?" He asked, looking at Liberty through glassy eyes.
Inhaling quickly, Liberty furrowed her eyebrows and nodded slowly. "Any brain surgery is risky; brain surgery on infants is incredibly risky because of the fragile nature of the brain and the small space in which to work. This is the best option for Harrison; if it had gone unnoticed, the bleed would have continued to put pressure on his brain and he may have become paralyzed, his cognitive functions may have been compromised, or he could have died. Doctor Marshall is confident that Harrison will recover."
Rick raked his hands through his hair and down over his face, sure that he must look like a ghost by now; never before had he felt exhaustion such as this, and he knew Kate was suffering the same. He glanced back at her, studying her face carefully. Each word of Liberty's seemed to have drained a little bit of blood from her heart; she was gaunt, dazed and trembling lips told Rick she was on the verge of breaking down again. He stretched out his hand, fingers uncurling to welcome hers. Kate took it softly, avoiding his gaze. Her fingers delicately curled around his. Rick squeezed, trying to convey a reassurance he himself couldn't feel.
Turning to Liberty again, Rick exhaled heavily. "How long will the surgery take?"
Liberty tried to offer a small smile, a reassurance that Harrison was going to be fine. "He should be out in a couple of hours. As soon as I hear anything, I will update you, I promise." She reached out to place a hand on Kate's shoulder lightly, before starting off towards the nurses' station down the hall.
"Well…" Rick started, turning to look at his wife, intending on suggesting coffee, only to find…she was gone. Her retreating figure was moving down the hall back towards the stairwell, her shoulders slumped. Even half way down the corridor, Rick could hear her crying. Wiping away his own tears, he set off after his wife; his whole body protested at the movement, tremors shooting down his legs. He felt like a zombie, and, he guessed, he probably looked a bit like one too.
Kate was barely just inside their room when Rick caught up to her. Shutting the door quietly, he kept his eyes on her as she stopped in the middle of the room, defeated. She turned to look at him, her bloodshot eyes shining, her hands hanging loosely at her sides. Rick felt his eyes begin to grow hot with the oh-so-familiar salty tang of tears, followed by a flicker of fear flashing through his veins; she looked so small and vulnerable. Totally beaten down.
"I can't do this anymore Rick."
He barely heard it, but it was there, and in mere seconds he was wrapping his arms around her as she collapsed, her knees buckling underneath her. Gently, Rick lowered them both to the floor, leaning against the couch, her weight resting entirely on him. Her breaths were coming in short, sharp intakes. Rick could feel her heart pounding where their chests lay flush against each other; her whole body was shaking. He'd held her through many panic attacks, calming her down when her world was caving in. He nestled her tight against him, her head tucked into his neck. Softly, he stroked his free hand up and down her side; the other arm was firm around her back, gripping her hip tightly. Rick was lost. For the first time in his life, he had no words. He had nothing to comfort or reassure her, and he felt useless. So he just held her, offering his body as comfort. He felt his own tears rolling down his face; surely there was nothing left inside him at this point? Rick closed his eyes, drifting off to a happier place; a place he had been picturing frequently over the past weeks. And with the golden glow of his daydream forming in his mind, Rick realized Kate wouldn't care about the words that spilled over from his lips; and so he started talking.
The late afternoon sun cast an ethereal glow over the landscape in front of them, tall pines on the dunes casting long limbed shadows over the sand. A lone gull soared overhead, screaming its' annoyance at its' apparent lack of food. The sulky blue of the ocean was somehow calming, reflective. Kate inhaled deeply; the salty aroma of the ocean air filling her lungs and rejuvenating her brain. Rick grinned next to her.
"The Hamptons, good for the soul!"
Kate just laughed. He was right, as always.
"It's like a different world here…so peaceful. Time stops, and I don't have to think."
Rick nodded and squeezed her hand gently. "It's good to switch off sometimes. Though you can never forget some things…it's nice to be able to be at peace, you know, without the stress of normal life back in the city."
Kate opened her mouth to speak, but no words came. No words were needed, because after everything, after the heartbreak and the anger and the confusion, she had finally found her peace. And it was here: on the beach in the Hamptons with her family.
Small waves crested and broke just off the beach, fluffy white foam surging around his feet. His hysterical giggling was music to his parent's ears; a blissful noise neither would ever tire of hearing. His chubby little legs moved enthusiastically, jumping up and down with delight, splashing as hard as his little body would allow. Four little fingers and a thumb wrapped tightly around two of Alexis', an anchor holding him steady when the water tried to rock him.
Alexis and Harrison were exploring ahead of their parents, his keen four-year-old eyes leading him to investigate, criss-crossing pairs of footprints scattered over the sand. No upturned shell or piece of driftwood was left untouched; the most special pieces finding their way into Harrison's firm grasp for keeps. Alexis dutifully following wherever her little brother lead her, reveling in the happiness that this little boy had brought to their family. Just as her thought started to drift to the memories of the past three years, a small tug on her hand brought her eyes back down to Harrison's cheerful face, his blue eyes sparkling as he gazed up at his sister.
"Up?" Harrison motioned with his arms, grabbing the air with his hands, his toothy grin melting Alexis' heart. Bending slightly, Alexis tucked her hands into Harrison's armpits, lifting him with ease and settling him on her hip.
"Up, little man. Wanna go to Mom and Dad?" Alexis asked, laughing at Harrison's definitive 'yes' nod.
"Alright then, lets go!" Alexis began wandering back up the beach towards Kate and Rick, who had stopped a short while away, content just to sit on a log and watch the scene before them.
"Momma! Daddeeeee!" Harrison squirmed in Alexis' arms, twisting his body to stretch out to Rick who was now standing in front of his daughter. Alexis laughed again, struggling to keep a hold of her baby brother as he fought to reach his father.
"Hey Harry! Whatcha doing?" Rick lifted his son out of Alexis' arms and tucked him against his chest.
"Look!" Harrison held up a little hand, open to show the light blue and cream shell he had picked up on his exploring adventure.
"Very nice. That'll go great with your collection buddy." Rick smiled, looking back at Kate standing behind him, who raised her eyebrows in amusement. Harrison had a collection of rocks, pebbles and stones, showcased in a glass jar on top of the fridge far out of reach of curious little hands.
"Momma look!" Harrison peered around Rick's arm, holding out his find for his mother to examine. Kate took it gently, casting her keen detective eye over the beautifully coloured shell.
"It's beautiful baby." Kate offered the stone back to Harrison, but he tucked his fists against his body, smiling up at her angelically.
"Yours Momma."
Kate leant forward and placed a kiss on her son's forehead, tenderly brushing away the soft brown locks that cascaded down towards his puppy dog eyes, his slightly upturned nose, his rosey cheeks, that toothy grin…
"Here." Rick shifted Harrison in his arms, allowing Kate to lift him with her own. The warm little body curled into her chest, his fists clutching tightly at her tee shirt. Kate breathed in his glorious smell; a delightful mix of baby lotion and lavender scented shampoo. His breathing slowed and his eyes drooped slightly, the excitement of showing off his prized shell seemingly having worn him out.
"Home time?" Alexis queried, motioning the way home.
"I think so. Definitely food time!" Rick exclaimed, his stomach growling loudly as if right on cue. Rick took Alexis' left hand in his right, and held out his other for Kate to accept which she did so happily.
"Definitely food time." Kate agreed enthusiastically, licking her lips.
Harrison moved slightly in his mother's arms; his head having tucked into the crook of Kate's neck.
"Love you little man." Kate whispered into his ear, gently laying a kiss on his temple.
"Love Momma." Harrison breathed, deeply; peacefully.
"That's my heaven." Kate whispered softly, raising her head to see Rick's face in the light of the room.
"Mine too." Rick tilted his head, kissing Kate's lips gently. "We'll find our heaven, one day."
Kate nodded, offering a small smile. "Yeah…we will."
He looked so peaceful, lying there on white sheets, his chest rising and falling steadily with normal breaths. A thick, padded bandage was wrapped around his small head, making it appear much larger than it actually was.
The surgery had been successful. Liberty had knocked on their door not long after their journey to heaven, with the news that Harrison was in recovery, and in a stable condition. Doctor Marshall met them in the hall as they rushed out, beaming as he explained that the surgery had gone exactly to plan.
"Harrison is going to be fine. His brain has not been adversely affected by the bleed, and his immune and respiratory systems are finally strong enough that he'll be able to come off the machines soon, hopefully within days. You've got a fighter on your hands, guys."
Kate dropped her head on her husband's shoulder, linking her fingers through his. She smiled contentedly.
"Heaven."
"Heaven." Rick repeated softly.
As if to agree, Harrison's mouth twitched slightly, giving his parents a small smile.
Through many dangers,
toils and snares,
I have already come;
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
John Newton