CHAPTER THIRTEEN: HOUSE RULES

(In which the consequences of Henry's pervert-ness are revealed and Emma finally questions her own parenting skills.)

"Stop picking your nose," Emma growled as she pulled into the driveway of Regina's house.

"Bite me," Henry shot back and got out of the backseat before the car had even fully stopped.

"HEY!"

In the passenger seat Regina let out a sigh. "My mother once said, when I attempted to blame her for my problems, that all parents screw up their kids."

"Do you believe that?" asked Emma, and Regina shrugged.

"Most things my mother says come with an ulterior motive, but in this case? Maybe. At least in this family."

With those words, Regina got out of the car and Emma was left alone as the former Evil Queen hurried after Henry who was refusing to take off his muddy sneakers on the front stoop.

"You do NOT want to test me further!"

"Whatever. I gotta take a leak!" Henry shot back and brushed past her into the house, Regina following and the door slamming after.

Emma sighed. What a miserable day. Everyone at the hospital had looked at her like she was a terrible mother, and the truth was, she didn't know how to be a mom. That much had been clear from the moment she got to Storybrooke and was reinforced when she regained her real memories. New York Super Mom Emma was just Transplanted Super Mom Regina Memories Emma. So, she'd focused on her future with Killian and somehow had failed to notice her son was changing, and not in just the going-through-puberty-freakishly-fast-due-to-portal-anomalies way.

Regina said it started way back at the beginning of Operation Mongoose, that the kid was displaying slightly sociopathic morality on how to go about getting everyone's happy endings; she'd blamed it on a mix of genetics from Rumplestiltskin and hanging out with Killian. (Never on her own anti-nurture approach to early motherhood, of course!)

The more Emma thought about it, the more she considered that she never should have let Regina back into Henry's life so quickly (or closely). While the other woman had seemed to be generally trying to be a better person and earn forgiveness for her crimes after the Cure broke, once her mother showed up (the first time), it was just a lot of regressing and whining and blaming everyone else. Other than accepting that Henry was their son, she'd glommed back onto that "I deserve a happy ending and it's everyone else's fault that I didn't get it and had to kill people and I don't give a fuck about anyone but me" attitude that was just so Cora. The woman was a sociopath, just as Emma had originally pegged her. And sure, she was a high functioning psychopath, but she wasn't a crime solving genius who knew better than to get into romantic relationships either.

And Henry needed an intervention.

It turned out that besides perving on girls, he was cheating at cards, dice, and cockfighting in some illegal gambling den Hook had set up above the Library and used for his "boys night out" meetings when she was on Night Patrol!

Also, Henry needed a shitload of antibiotics.

Because besides perving on girls, he'd slept with Ava Zimmer, a fellow delinquent who, at seventeen, was apparently voted on the high school website's message board "Most likely to be sporting a Herpes beauty mark and give birth in the gymnasium bathroom at senior prom".

It was no wonder the Jock Itch powder wasn't working.

Emma had never been so embarrassed, having to take her fifteen year old kid to get tested for syphilis and monkey herpes!

And she'd been pregnant in prison.

AN: Chapter title is a nod to Gregory House. I opted out of Dr. Whale mentioning Lupus, so I hope this appeases House fans. "All parents screw up their kids" is House's motto from the Season 8 episode "Parents". It should be the subtitle for OUAT.

Next up: A day at the Sheriff's Station.