Author's note: thank you very much for all the messages and reviews; I apologize for the broken hearts as well. I hope I will be able to repair them all soon.

Chapter Twelve – The Strange Sentiment Of Being Alive

Maura entered first but she didn't wait for Jane in the lobby. She took her stilettos off and walked barefoot to the kitchen straight away. There was something comforting about this area of the house. It brought her an ounce of peace that her mind desperately needed. She opened the frigde and grabbed some leftovers out of it. She wasn't in the mood to cook anything.

"What are you doing?"

Jane's low voice rose in her back. Maura barely cast a glance at her friend and proceeded to transfer the food into a dish before putting it in the oven. Her gestures were mechanical.

"You need to eat something."

She didn't quite understand why she sounded so calm. Her tone of voice didn't match the storm of feelings that was taking place inside of her body. The contrast was an odd, confusing one. She didn't know what to think about it.

But then she didn't know why life had decided to playing tricks them either. Everything was so confusing.

"I'm not hungry."

Jane's reply didn't surprise her the slightest bit. Yet she absolutely didn't listen to the plea in disguise. She grabbed two glasses instead and filled them with fresh water.

She was too afraid of being excessive if she ever drank alcohol. Drowning their sorrow in wine was too tempting right now.

"You still have to eat something. You haven't eaten anything today."

She forced a smile – a warm one – then cast a brief glance at the living-room. Perhaps they should have left people come over. They had simply assumed that – after the funerals – they would need quietness and not a crowd dressed in black that would remind them every single second that they were going throught a nightmare.

Jane didn't insist. What for? The last thing she wanted was to argue with Maura. She wouldn't be able to handle it. They needed to remain strong and the only way to succeed was to be each other's support.

"You can go change if you want to." Maura looked at Jane. She was wearing a black dress – a rather elegant one – and hadn't taken her high heels off yet. "You can put on more comfortable clothes."

But Jane shook her head and pursed her lips. She had only managed to take off her sunglasses. As a matter of fact, she had even forgotten them in the car. A pair of jeans would have probably been better but the truth was that she saw in her dress some sort of a shield. The fabric embraced her skin – her whole body – in a protective way. She needed it.

"It was a nice ceremony."

Maura nodded – cleared her voice – but didn't offer Jane a reply. She admired her friend for being able to already speak about it.

Jane was right though. Petunia and Leo's respective parents had organized a beautiful, heartbreaking ceremony. Jane and Maura had insisted on putting a stone for Timothy next to them at the cemetery.

Everyone had come, even the social worker of the adoption agency as well as the director of the center. Jane and Maura had appreciated it. As a matter of fact, they had appreciated everyone's words and gestures of affection.

They just hadn't been able to express their gratitude properly.

"I want to go to bed."

It was barely 5.30 pm but Maura couldn't care less. She felt immensely tired, at an emotional level. She turned off the oven and grabbed her glass of water before leaving the kitchen.

"I thought you wanted to eat something."

Jane's words caused her to stop by the couch. She looked down at her bare feet and took a deep breath. The hardwood floor was warm. The sun had slid on it all day long. It hadn't even rained.

Since when a big blue sky looked after funerals?

"There are so many things I want to do."

Her voice broke and within a second Maura found herself in Jane's arms. The embrace was comforting and terribly needed. It didn't soothe her pain though. Tears were running down her cheeks before dying against Jane's dress.

Maura hadn't bothered to take her sunglasses off. As a matter of fact, she hadn't found the courage to do it. Not just yet. She wasn't ready to face the warm colors of the world. She wanted to see it black. She wanted it to match her state of mind.

"C'mon, let's go upstairs."

Maura nodded and let Jane take her to her bedroom. They both settled in bed – in silence – and welcomed the heat of the blanket with a barely contained relief.

The heat of their bodies as well.

Their legs were intertwined, their faces molded in each other's neck. All they wanted was to feel the breath of life emanate from their souls and pass underneath each other's skin to remain there for the eternity. Once there, they would feed themselves of each other's energy and they would be strengthened for the rest of their life.

Strenghtened for the eternity.

Maura's sobs sudbdued. Her tears vanished – absorbed by the heat of her skin – and she lost herself in the contemplation of Jane's neck.

It was just there, a couple of inches away from her eyes. Against her lips. Soft, warm.

She didn't overthink it. As a matter of fact and for the first time in her life, Maura trusted her instinct. She didn't ponder anything, she didn't weigh the pros and contras. She just went for it because something deep inside her heart told her to do it.

A slight move. One that almost passed unnoticed. Her lips brushed Jane's neck with delicacy before tracing a path of kisses up her jaw, up her cheek. She sat up on her elbows and slid a hand on her friend's stomach.

The look they exchanged turned out to be furtive before Maura to bend over and capture Jane's lips in a urging kiss.

...

People might think that we were making a mistake but I disagree. It turned out to be the best moment for us. We weren't trying to escape what had just happened – we were mourning the loss of a part of our family – but we had also understood through it that life was fragile and that there was no time to waste in wonders and what-ifs.

It made us feel alive, terribly alive.

And it was exactly what we needed.

We didn't go on a date. There was not a single bouquet of flowers, no timid smile either. But then we had known each other for almost seven years. We didn't need any of this. The rules were different for us. We already knew each other by heart. What happened that day – that night – turned out to be the logical evolution of the blossom of our hearts.

I didn't question anything. What for? Jane's arms and kisses were comforting. I was where I wanted to be, with the only person who would ever understand me. She was the one. I was convinced of it.

Look at us. Nothing has changed. We are still together. What can I say? It just made sense. As a matter of fact, it had made sense for a while but we were only accepting it now. A tragedy remains a tragedy and this is what we got to face. Yet thanks to it, we dared to embrace these feelings we hadn't had the courage to accept until then.

We didn't talk about it right away. No. It took us a little while to somewhat analyze what had happened that day but we could live without any explanation because everything seemed to belong to the clearest logic ever. We had fallen in love. I don't know when it exactly happened – I don't have a specific date to give you – but we accepted it the day of the funeral.

Maybe there is a symbol behind all of this, and how life and death are so closely linked to each other. You can't separate both notions. They have an impact on each other.

I suppose that this is what happened to us.

We don't regret the way it happened. I think that we were both ready for it and this is all what matters. It came up like a urge, a sudden one. As if we had repressed something for years and that this strength was finally winning over our minds.

Did it help us to overcome the loss of Petunia, Leo and Timothy? I honestly wouldn't be able to tell. It still hurts a lot to talk about them and it will probably always do... But it is easier to face tough moments when you have someone by your side, someone who holds your hand and covers you in kisses in the most perfect silence. With such serenity.

People had passed away but we were alive, desperately alive; eager to feed ourselves of the exhilaration of our feelings and this unique bond that linked us.

It was so good to find relief in our embraces, in smiles engraved on our skins. The sentiment of being alive is such a powerful one.

Never forget about it.