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Chapter Thirteen – A Brand New Beginning

She had no reason whatsoever to be here. As a matter of fact, she had taken a week off after the tragedy. Just like Jane. It was the first time that she walked back into her office since that day when she had picked up the phone and that everything had fallen apart.

Nothing had changed: the furniture were still the same, her computer was still there as well. But the atmosphere was heavy, oppressive. Maura bit her lower lip to repress a wave of nausea. She wasn't ready to come back here.

She grabbed a couple of files and rushed out of the room. She didn't know where to go though. Everything was too confusing. Why had she done that? Why had she slept with Jane? Their lives were complicated enough like that right now. Yet she absolutely didn't regret what had happened. Deep inside, she couldn't feel more complete.

There were simply too many untold things about it. It brought up an awkwardness that she wasn't ready to handle.

Yes, she had run away. And so what? She kept on saying it: she wasn't perfect. People always expected from her to be wise and to take the right decisions at the right time but it was not how she worked out. Sometimes she made mistakes. Sometimes she rushed into things.

Sometimes she didn't make the right choices.

She was just another human being. A coward one who had run away before Jane to wake up after the night they had spent together.

She had never been good at facing the infamous morning after. Perhaps that was even the reason why she had ended up preferring one-night stands to steady relationships after a while. It was easier to handle, a lot easier. There was no expectation outside a pure – almost mechanical – satisfaction. No need to talk, to express intimidating feelings. One-night stands were bare, simple.

Her high heels resounded loudly on the floor. Where was everyone? She had showed up early but the morgue was never empty yet she still had to come across a colleague. Not that she really wanted to. She knew that it would be awkward for the two of them. She didn't want to face another sympathy speech.

The elevators were just at the end of the corridor. She could see them now. Yet something stopped her right away. The windows of the autopsy room on her right caught her attention. She turned her head around and stared at the room in silence.

It was empty but the lights had been turned on. Her eyes stared at the metallic tables. There hadn't been any autopsy for Petunia and Leo. Their parents hadn't asked for one and the police in charge of the case had come to the conclusion that they didn't need one. Yet it could have happened. The corpses could have landed here – just in front of her eyes – in this room that she knew like the bottom of her heart. It was part of her daily life, part of her identity; of who she was.

A wave of warmth embraced her body and tightened its grip on her throat. Her breath turned rough. She swallowed hard but the lump wouldn't go. She was lacking air. Her vision turned blurry and she felt the ground vanish under her feet. Before she had a chance to realize what was happening, Maura was sitting on the floor trying desperately to catch her breath.

"Dr. Isles-Rizzoli...?"

Maura looked up. Susie Chang was standing next to her, a few files in her hands.

...

Maura could postpone it as much as she wanted, she would still have to come back home at some point. Sharing a coffee with Susie didn't change the outcome she was fearing. What if Jane had left? What if Jane had taken her absence in the morning for a sign that she needed to go away? What if she had freaked out because of what they had done?

The possibility of a thousand scenarios was twirling in Maura's head the moment she opened the door of her house and walked in. A confusing silence welcomed her. Was Jane still around? She stepped in the lobby and cast a look at the living-room. There was nobody to be seen. The door of the patio was opened though.

She carefully set down the medical files she had taken with her on her desk and walked towards Bass. The tortoise had stopped by the patio door and seemed to observe whatever was going on there. Jo Friday barked happily and trotted towards Maura the moment she appeared by the door frame. The dog's reaction caused Jane to turn around.

"Oh." Sitting on the floor, she vaguely waved a hand at Maura before motioning the plants around her. "It's a beautiful day, perfect for some gardening."

Maura nodded but didn't say anything. She had to admit that it wasn't how she had imagined their morning after to be. But who was to blame? If she hadn't run away, things would probably not be the same. She took her stilettos off and approached Jane.

"May I help you?"

The request seemed to be carried by a delicate timidity, a sweet awkwardness. There was nothing sharp, nothing as terrible as what Maura had imagined so far. Jane winced and pondered the idea.

"I don't know... Something tells me you're gonna ruin everything."

Maura gasped – clenched her fists – and immediately settled on the floor next to Jane. Her ego had been bruised. Slightly. She knew that Jane was joking but it was better to play along. It was reassuring.

"Who do you think you are? I am the one who insisted on buying all these plants and flowers. You didn't see anything rewarding in the idea of gardening!"

Jane smiled. There was something satisfying in the idea of realizing that nothing had really changed. They were still the same people, leading the same life. They were still themselves: Jane and Maura.

"I'm glad you're back."

Maura felt a wave of heat rushed up her cheeks. She owed Jane apologies for her behavior. Nobody wanted to wake up alone in bed after spending the night in someone's arms. But her words stayed trapped in her throat the moment Jane pushed away a strand of hair from her face before planting a soft kiss on her lips.

"I don't need to know."

...

I can't tell you I didn't freak when I woke up and realized that your dear mother was gone but... I don't know. I guess I understood she needed some time for herself. And it's okay. Something had happened, something important. Maybe it didn't change who we were but it still caused a shift in the kind of relation we had. I knew she would come back. I know Maura. You can be sure that if she runs away, she'll do it with a dozen of suitcases in the trunk of her car.

And she didn't take anything with her that day.

Yeah. I checked her closet. Just in case.

I didn't question our new degree of intimacy because it sounded right and natural. Actually, it was the first time I felt like that with someone. I can't say I have the best romantic background you'll ever find around but Maura definitely made all the rest worth it.

We did some more gardening before having lunch. We went for a walk in the afternoon and spent the evening on the beach. We hadn't turned the page over the funerals – we would never do that – but the world hadn't stopped turning and we couldn't remain there observing it going on without us taking part in it. Maybe there was something bitter in all this brand new sweetness that wrapped us up but I gotta say that it helped me. It helped me a lot to accept what had happened within the week. It was exactly what I needed... Maura and I, this was the only thing that could save me.

And it did.

We didn't do much during that week off. We explored this new side of our relationship without putting words on it. I guess we weren't ready to talk about it. We just wanted to live it, to see what it could bring us. Everyone got so respectful too. Nobody turned out to be intrusive. Ma' stopped by a couple of times but only for a few minutes.

I suppose she had understood we needed to be alone for a while, that we'd be okay as long as we were together.

I didn't go into the nursery room though. I passed the door every day but made sure to not look at it. Maura spent a lot of time there. She said she needed it. Why not... We all have our own way to deal with sorrow after all.

We spent a lot of time outside. The summer was coming: blue skies, warm temps. We just walked around, hand in hand.

We had time to think about all the rest. Did we still want a child? Had we drawn a line under our adoption plan? Would we look for another adoption agency? Unless we wanted to go for an artificial insemination... All of this was waiting for us at some point but we didn't want to think about it just right now. We took each day as it came and went with the flow. It's something peaceful to do.

I never got to sleep in another bedroom than Maura's. Fair to say it's mine too, now! It's been almost nineteen years...

I have sweet memories of this week. The circumstances were harsh but we could face them without fearing them. I don't know, it's kinda weird. I guess we'd found in each other the strength we needed to go on. And the sweetness that comes within a relationship.

It was just the beginning.

A brand new beginning.