CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: PANTY WASTE

(In which August's pervert level increases because The Author couldn't resist poking fun at his phallic nose!)

The drive to the Library was quiet. Henry sat in the back of the cruiser, Graham and August in the front. Apparently, his grandpa had called Graham after his mom (Regina) radioed him that she'd found his other mom and they were going to come up that way. He felt sick. He'd already thrown up, to his embarrassment. His dad was dead because of him. And not for the first time.

Graham parked the car and August opened the back door so he could get out. Henry shrugged off the latter's attempt to help, not remotely interested in sympathy from the guy who'd been creeping on his mom ever since he got to town in the "I'm here for you until I'm just here" kind of way. At least Graham had some honor... well... and also a girlfriend who satisfied his wolf fetish, but still.

Henry had just stepped onto the sidewalk when the front doors opened, Regina stepping out. The former Evil Queen increased her stride to embrace him tightly, but briefly, telling him sternly, "We're having a long talk tomorrow. You, me, Emma, and your father... though I'm not sure which side of the scolding he should be on..."

As she trailed off, and before Henry could properly soak in the part about his father, the Library doors opened again and Emma emerged - with his dad. His adult and very alive dad who was chuckling as Emma complained that it was highly unfair that magic had dried him off while re-aging him, while her long hair was soaking and dripping all over her leather jacket.

"Dad!?" Henry croaked out, eyes wide, and then he propelled himself at Neal, who nearly fell backward but adjusted enough to stay upright and return the hug. It didn't matter that he was definitely too old now to be seen in public hugging his relations.

"Hey, buddy, it's good to see you too... but I am oxygen reliant."

Sheepishly, Henry eased up and then took a step back, hating that his eyes were a bit wet. "I thought you'd died. How are you...?"

"Something to do with the fairy diamonds, I suspect," Neal answered, shrugging, and glancing at Emma. "And your mom."

"True Love's Kiss?" Henry exclaimed, hopeful - and a bit teasing, which earned rolled eyes from his mom.

"Naw, I'm not sure being mostly dead counts as a curse."

"If it was, you'd be immune from repeat exposure by now," muttered Regina, which earned a snort from a rather sour-looking August.

Emma gave him the stink-eye. "You and your magically phallic nose don't get to laugh, Pinocchio."

Neal walked up to August, frowning slightly as he told him, "While I'm glad you didn't die and though Emma might have decided to let bygones be bygones because of your single moment of selflessness - that utterly failed in actually warning anyone that Pan wanted Henry - so go figure on that one considering she could have kept our son if you'd given her the twenty grand - that doesn't mean, now that you're grown up, we're cool. I will take a belt-sander to your junk if you so much as tell Emma a white lie. And you'd better return what you took while fixing that washing machine so it can be properly incinerated considering what you and your actual phallus probably did to those poor bunnies."

August gulped and Emma howled, "You took my underwear!?"

"I... er... they were stuck to the side of the machine and you came over and I panicked and put them in my po-ahhh!"

His nose sprouted an inch and Emma kneed him in the groin "Pervert!"

She removed the badge from her belt and handed it to Graham. "I'm temporarily reinstating you to haul his ass in for stealing my underwear."

On the sidewalk now, Rumplestiltskin tutted, "Perhaps you should get yourself checked out by Dr. Whale, Booth. You don't seem to have been created with the patience or cunning to pine in celibacy for Miss Swan's affection."

August just glared while Graham led him back to the car with a sarcastically uttered, "Thanks so much. I get my old job back for a night to tell an old man that his son knobs off to stolen women's underpants."

"So..." Henry remarked, "he's officially a bigger perv than me now, right?"

"I think the jury is still out on that, Kid," Emma told him, amending, "Remind me tomorrow to burn all of my underwear just in case Pinocchio was sniffing in the laundry basket."

Regina quipped, "I'm not sure which is more disturbing, that August stole your panties for improper purposes - or that he stole panties with little bunny rabbits on them for improper purposes. Ducks, rabbits... is there a farm in your underwear drawer?"

"Not all of my underwear has animals on them," Emma groused. "My mother bought a package on sale, but they were the wrong size, and they're comfortable, and why I am still defending my underwear choices to you? You probably wear the most uncomfortable thong you could find just to irritate your ass crack. It would explain a lot!"

"Actually, I don't wear underwear."

"Mom! TMI!" Henry groaned, making a face, which was ignored.

"I fully believe," Regina continued, "that power emanates from the vagina. So why block it?"

"It's not the only thing that emanates," muttered Emma.

"What does that mean?" the former Evil Queen demanded, eyes narrowing.

"Well, you don't exactly smell like forest."

Before Regina could conjure a fireball, Rumplestiltskin cleared his throat, reminding, "I believe you intended to return Henry to the dance?"

Henry threw a glowering look at his grandfather for that one, and to his parents, "Do I have to?"

"Yes, you have to," stated Emma. "You're going to apologize to his grandparents. And help clean up afterward." She jabbed Neal. "You too, Baelfire."

"Oh, come on, Emma, I was fifteen," Neal complained. "I can't be held responsible for that!"

He looked to his father for support, but the man just looked amused.

"Considering the stunts you pulled as a grown-ass adult?" Emma argued, "I say you can."

"Hey, you married my step father."

"Low blow, Cassidy. I had syphilis and monkey herpes!"

"Had right?"

She glared. He laughed.

"I'll help clean up spilled punch if you dance with me. Last dance is boy's choice," Neal said with a grin and though Emma gave him a look like she wanted to argue just for arguing sake, she sighed and relented.

"Fine. But you'd better not step on my toes."

AN: August just strikes me as a pervert. The underwear/vagina bit is taken from a scene in New Girl's "Par 5".

Next up: Emma and Neal share a dance. Henry gets some romance. Gretel gets sweet feathered, fury, and possibly scaly revenge.