Chapter 23 For Want of A Nail
A/N: I do not own Twilight.
Thank you to everyone who went out of their way to leave feedback on Roses Are Red; I adore you!
I just might die over how long I've kept you waiting for this update.
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Before G&B Continues …
(Skip this if you completely understand Bella's character and motivation.)
I just need to say that I think we've all been a bit desensitized by pain and suffering due to the onslaught of mature, topically heinous and graphic stories in our ficdom. Quite a few of my fabulous readers do not understand what Bella's deal is, why she is so broken. And although she is purposefully written to express her confusion, thus being a confusing character to follow, I am a bit at a loss as how to better explain it. That she never had a present father, a mother who died suddenly and without warning and was then shipped to live with said father is not something a sixteen year old can handle well, if at all. Especially not one that has a personality like Bella's. Not to mention, besides with Jasper, Bella has always felt alien to this world – never quite finding a place to fit. I feel like I have sort of exhausted these details, so, I now find myself overwhelmed with how to better stress that Bella has severe abandonment issues and thus chosen to deal with them inside of herself in an unhealthy fashion that a delicious treat – even one as perfect as Edward – cannot magically eradicate. I will continue to explain and expound as best I can as the story continues, but I implore you to relate – I personally cannot fathom losing my parents and although the pain is of a completely different nature than suicidal depression, mental conditions, rape or any similar life horror, it still holds validity as a shattering loss and, for Bella, has stunted her ability to trust, relinquish control and form dependencies. Her issues, as you probably gather, are not would up in the act of sex but from what it will mean after such vulnerability had been relinquished.
I truly despise having to explain myself outside of the story this way, but I desperately want everyone to understand. Please PM me with ANY questions so you can fully enjoy the rest of G&B without feeling like you haven't been shown the still incomplete but progressing full picture.
You know I love you like a fat kid loves cake, right?
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The chapter song is The Crisis by Ennio Morricone.
The song inspiration for JPOV is One Headlight by The Wallflowers. These lyrics are Jasper's mantra.
Like always, music is on the profile. I recommend you play them while reading the chapter; I select these songs and write to them for a reason!
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RPOV
I never found sleep last night. It didn't even bother looking for me.
All traces of the deafening party music had long dispersed and the concerto of the "Emmett and Rosalie roll-playing frenzy" that followed calmed sometime after.
Though Em's stalwart chest had since been holding up the weight of my head, my restless mind relentlessly heaved down memory lane.
Eyes glazed over - hidden behind the curtain of my ass-length, pinch-the-fuck-out-of-my-scalp, nine hundred dollar extensions - I refused to leave his safe embrace as taunting image and regretful recollection, one after the other and so on, flickered across my retrospection.
====*====
Seven Years Ago - 2001
"Hey," my brother said, as he poked his ratty blond head into my bedroom just as I was buckling the belt on a brand new jumper outfit. "I'm going over to Bella's. Wanna come?"
I ran a brush through my doll's long blond hair silently wishing my own was as shiny and beautiful. Yeah right, Rosalie. I knew I wasn't as pretty as the girls at school. I wasn't even prettier than Bella. Or as fun. No, hanging out with Bella always seemed to make me sad.
"No, Jazzy. I'm playing Barbies; Bella will just end up cutting all her hair off again." My memory flickered to the bits of sun colored synthetic hair that had littered my bathroom floor, the statuesque doll left deserted in the middle of the mess alone and ruined.
"Yeah she will. Barbies are dumb, Rosie." His snorting and poking fun only reminding me how stupid boys didn't like dressing and brushing and playing silly doll games, but girls were supposed to. That Bella didn't seemed crazy to me.
"They are not dumb." They're perfect and popular – in her hometown of Willow, Wisconsin Barbie was queen. If anyone was dumb it was him.
"Whatever, be stupid. But don't say I never asked." Grrr. Boys were so mean; brothers were meaner.
Even with Barbie here I still didn't really feel like staying in my room all day … again. I wanted to go to Bella's too, but I just didn't like their games. More like you don't know how to play them, I thought to myself.
As I propped Barbie up against her fire red convertible I decided to at least try. Alone didn't sound so great, especially with my pretty toy reminding me how ordinary I was.
It was already hot and sticky out, even with the morning hour, as I walked the short distance to Bella's and joined them on the back, rearranged porch. Sheets were strung up on sticks and much needed "supplies" were stacked in heaps and piles as my cousin's creativity ran free.
Bella made a good sea captain, barking out orders and pointing the ship in the right direction, obviously having made Jasper first mate before I arrived. I hoped to maybe be the cook, but Bella quickly claimed the title of chef as well. Besides being what Jasper called a "wench" I had no job; there was no room for me on the vast deck. So, instead, I headed inside to hole myself up at the kitchen table with homework while Auntie Renee tried to wind beads and thread into matching anklets.
A bit later, my eyes darted over my math worksheet in the direction of Bella's boisterous exclamation, "Land ho. Red ensign off the port bow."
Both seamen quickly stormed through the french doors and pillaged the refrigerator, downing one Capri Sun after another with a single clench of their fists, crumpling the metallic plastic empty.
"How is Europe?" Auntie Renee inquired, assuming their presence meant they'd claimed the kitchen as their port.
"It looks a lot like home," Bella replied morosely, losing much of her imaginative steam as she slumped over the kitchen air conditioning register.
"Don't worry, Bella. It won't be anything like home." Jasper's grin tugged her joy free again as he loaded up her arms with more juice and they toppled over one another with fresh enthusiasm toward a mutual goal.
====*====
They'd made escape plans that day which I'd heard them whisper about frequently in the years since. I could have been there; I could have chosen to play, I reminded myself as I softly traced Em's stomach muscles beneath my cheek. But instead, I'd fled to my comfort zone of school work and quiet and predictable.
What a lesson I learned from one simple choice.
The repercussions of letting go of a decision, going against what you know you want in favor of playing it safe could hinder, would limit your life. And you can only realize the ramifications from such an insignificant choice as you look back over the unwanted path it sent you wandering down.
Hindsight, the allusive bitch.
They jettisoned themselves a continent away that day, neither ever fully returning. And I wasn't invited to Bella's by Jasper again.
====*====
Four Years Ago - 2004
Absentmindedly, I gripped the ankle I'd hoisted up in an effort to hug my knees to my chest, pressing the beaded band wound there painfully into my palm.
"Aunt Ren?"
"Yeah baby?" Her neck was bent at an odd angle as it sought rest from the strain to remain upright.
"You look tired."
"That's what treatment does, tiger," she murmured, trying to catch my eyes as her lashes blinking against purple bags.
"No more of that tiger crap, Renee." I scoffed at her words and our reality.
"You'll be fierce." So? You'll be gone, my defeated mind reminded her.
I didn't want to be things without her here.
"No."
"You'll be hella strong, baby." It won't matter, my severed heart countered.
I couldn't imagine attempting to move on …
"No."
"Promise me." I'm too young for this. Blink. Blink.
I met my aunt's waiting eyes, finally.
Patient, unrelentingly honest, fiercely dedicated, love unending.
She was too young for this.
But she needed me to be okay to be all right herself.
I flattened my lips into a hard line which I'd begun doing a lot of lately. After all, I was holding quite a bit inside.
"Okay," was all I could force through my clenched teeth.
"Rosie?" my mouth curled up at the abandoned nickname, my head resting lazily on my knees.
"Mmmhmm?"
She looked torn as she slowly rearranged my bangs and swept a few short pieces behind my ear before continuing.
"You should grow your hair out." I knew this wasn't what she was going to say. This had become her habit, not wanting to fill every moment together with her prognosis but not being able to escape the truth.
"Sick. No thank you." Renee's face paled at my response, so unlike her normally insistent reaction to any hesitancy towards her self-proclaimed wisdom.
"It's time."
"Time?"
"For something new." New? I wasn't interested in change.
Both of her hands touched me now – hair, shoulders, cheeks – as her gaze traveled far away.
"Grow it long. I bet you'll be surprised at how it makes you feel." Her eyes slid closed, leaving her whispers to communicate alone. Deep breaths were drawn between every sentence break as she continued her freely ascribed purposes for me. Aunt Ren had made plans. "Never forget how smart you are and do something meaningful with it. Stand out; you were always meant to. You are unlike anyone I've ever known, Rose. So, don't pretend you aren't extraordinary. Ever. Always keep moving forward. And … baby, be forgiving. People will never stop letting you down, I can promise you that. The only power you will ever have in this world is the offering of a second chance."
"Aunt Ren?" She looked back at me expectantly from her twin dinning room chair as I continued to exhaust her name.
"Please keep yours on." My fingers ran soothingly over the skin at my ankle where I'd ground the plastic and twine. The pain I used as a reminder dulled only infinitesimally.
"You too?" Her eyes didn't join in the question with her voice; she already knew the answer.
"Okay." Renee pulled out her little notebook and jotted something down before stuffing it back into her jeans pocket.
====*====
My best friend died three days later. I was the only one who knew we were supposed to have three months more.
Everyone swarmed at the suddenness, angered by her secrecy. I, on the other hand, had been cheated and became enraged at time itself.
But those words changed my life. Her words.
So, I told Time we could try again.
====*====
May 16, 2004
"Jasper."
I'd made the journey, but was met with silence.
"Jasper," I reached out just a bit louder.
Nothing. My heart continued to beat in my swollen fingers as I swayed from the unsteady of my knees.
"Jas, please."
Bed sheets rustled. I watched his boyish frame rise up and hover as a shadow.
"Jas-" but my sob was cut short.
"Shhh, Rose. You'll wake Bella."
Bella.
I murmured that I didn't know she was here just as my eyes adjusted enough to make out her fetal presence in the far corner of Jasper's bed.
"What is it Rose?" Sleep and petulance would rush this exchange.
"Nothing. I was just- I thought maybe you'd … I hoped you might come be with me in my room or I could stay here with you."
"I can't leave her here alone. What if she wakes up?" Her. She. Okay.
"Yeah," I involuntarily agreed.
"We have to get up early, Rose. Bella and I are heading to the cemetery first thing."
His hushed explanation felt like shouting as it reached out and strangled my hope. Everything it took to walk down the hall and ask for company, for presence, help, love, seemed to bury me alive as I stood fruitless in this barricaded doorway.
Jasper slumped back into the awaiting blankets as I remained rooted on his 'unwelcome' mat.
Eventually I deflated against the wall there, never falling asleep, unable to tune out the quiet reassurances my brother offered my heartbroken cousin that peppered the black night. I couldn't seem to walk away.
====*====
My dry eyes blinked me back into the present; my mind tangled with the then and now.
I hadn't received much from Jasper in all our years, but until the night last weekend in the rain - the moment I verbally acknowledged the mountain of hate separating us - I'd never been able to walk away.
Even Seattle, a relocation purely based on Bella's needs, had my devotion. I couldn't join in on the motivation, but I wouldn't be left behind. So I moved here, grew farther away from Jasper but yet somehow remained by his side just in case.
No matter the pain of rejection, following Jas had been the best decision on my life. My continual attempts to forgive, or excuse, and remain close to him at least physically had made my life what it was today.
For that reason, leaving him behind in the pouring rain had felt wrong and yet unavoidable. But I'd had no choice, and as I opened my history and heart up to Emmett right after, it occurred to me that the pain I was harboring towards Jasper didn't truly reflect today so much as the residual effect of his letting me go in the first place. Here at Fremont, I'd moved my life along and given him very little love, warmth or encouragement. We were even in that. But in rehashing the past soaked to the bone and then again submerged in a bathtub, I'd discovered my true heartache was from Jasper's and my initial disconnect.
I also realized I could forgive more easily for that. Neither of us were the same people now that we were when we were nine.
Pushing past the bottomless effects of such loss - confidant, twin, home, time - my attention surged on what I'd found since.
Love. I had my arms securely around that, and was finally being held back. Emmett was my favorite gift to recognize and remind myself of.
Friendship. The hum of Ali's vibrations could penetrate the floors, walls and congested atmosphere that separated us. She would be with me forever.
Family …
Bella, Jasper. Jasper, Bella. They were my family. The good, the bad and the down right ugly.
After everything, I'd also finally found accomplishment.
Not only did I actually have worthy people in my life, but also things were transpiring within who I was, because of my own personal success, that I just couldn't keep to myself.
I had a secret. And not one regarding fucking blackmail, or anything to do with putting some bitch in her place.
I was truly alive enough to have this something that was just mine and Jasper just happened to be the one person left who could realize its full importance, even if he didn't understand the damn reasoning. But really I was making excuses to myself, because I now had something substantial to entrust to someone. And it had been Jasper I wanted to give it to most.
I told Bella in the corner of a surreal Kaleidoscope that Jasper and I were "on the mend." That cavalier comment had actually been code for "I'm a fucking idiot who touched the same fire twice." I didn't want her to know I'd caved to my desire to let Jasper near now that he realized what we'd lacked and wanted it too.
Just as I couldn't help hating my brother for the past, I knew someday I would want to look and find Jasper's love waiting, my trust willing and open enough to accept it. I wasn't ignorant enough to believe that would come without my offering some vulnerability. I'd already spent years giving, whether it seemed like it or not. Finally I had my hands on something in return, and some of that was because of Jasper and Bella just as much as it came from the revelation that was Emmett and Alice.
I needed to share this milestone with my brother because he had seen me before, when I was growing up, when I was loved and encouraged by Renee. And this news was the final remnant of the girl I was with Ren before I became all shiny and queen and new.
It was the one peace offering I had to bring to the mending table.
My secret.
So I presented it.
And he'd responded with such pride.
But, who the fuck wouldn't?
I, Rosalie Lillian Hale, was graduating. This year. An entire year early.
Me.
Done.
Who the hell pulls shit like this off beside me?
No one. That's the fuck who.
She knew I would, though. Damn foreshadowing, brilliant bff.
"Never forget how smart you are and do something meaningful with it."
My thoughts drifted away from childhood memories and the excitement of Jasper's pride in my most recent achievement and relaxed into the serenity only a measure of hindsight could bring.
I had spent my life on a journey. Whether it took me away from possible friendships and into the arms and life story of my Aunt Ren, had me hurling myself every which way trying to mourn and live the purpose she laid out for me to follow after she was gone or let me find love and the truth about forgiveness in six short weeks, I knew I'd do it all again.
Patient, unrelentingly honest, fiercely dedicated, love unending.
Aunt Ren's character, words and this bleak path had also led me to something else. It was a product of my own patience, fierce dedication and continued resilience. Or perhaps from simply having no other choice.
Somehow I had stumbled upon a sense of self.
I was finally a fucking person. Not a shell or a trophy or a wanderer.
And with Emmett, Alice, Bella and Jasper by my side perhaps I could work on the unrelenting honesty and unending, unwavering love. God knows I love a saucy rumor and the crushing blow of a sick scandal.
Now that I had experienced a measure of love for myself, though, I could actually recognize what was worth pursuing. Love would always win out over hate.
Emmett's giant hands encircled my waist as he buried his nose into the crown of my hair. Lost in the purity of our moment and the unusual peace of my mind, I gently fingered the beads and twine sewn into an extension directly behind my left ear.
Renee had been buried in her half of our promise; the least I could do was to always have my anklet on me and to never forget.
Aunt Ren helped make me who I am, like I could forget her even for a whisper or a blink or a hiccup.
"Rosie, baby," my lips turned up at the sound of my live-strong nickname. "Make me get up, 'cause I don't want to leave this bed and nothing short of you is gonna make me. You know Coach will have my nuts in a sling if I'm late."
"Emmett Cullen, get your ass outta bed this instant or no more grab ass, nudey time or breakfast sandwiches."
"Gah, woman, not the breakfast sandwiches!"
====*====
Another match, another day of stripping away the essence of queen that permeates my very skin.
Today was going to be a long one.
Yeah, a long day of watching your man jump around wet and strong and captain-like. Damn I was one lucky bitch.
I heard the suite door unlock, swing open and finally the muffled connection as it returned to the jam. Someone's moving slower than stiff shit this morning. Peeking my head out from the bathroom, my eyes narrowed immediately on the disarmingly vacant Bella that seemed to creep her way across the sitting room.
"Hey?"
"Hey," she whispered hoarsely.
Her bedroom, obviously the intended destination, was steps from where I'd been struck frightened, unsure of what I was witnessing. Instinctively, I reached out and found purchase in her arm, halting Bella's progression, and turned her deflated body for a better assessment.
Silence held on while I took stock of her lifeless hands, tired shoulders, ransacked hair, colorless pallor and flat brown eyes. The only tension my cousin held anywhere in her form was concentrated on her bottom lip that she'd clearly bit through, as there was both dried and fresh blood at the juncture of flesh and teeth.
My hand made quick work of bundling her hair into a bun at the top of her head and taking a washcloth to the stale mascara and foundation before applying pressure to the cut on her lip.
The bathtub was filled, hot and bubbly, her clothing stripped for her. It took all of me to leverage her safely into the deep claw footed porcelain, but from the will to bring her relief I managed.
All throughout my ministrations I waited for Bella's darting eyes to regain some amount of emotion - snark, fear, pain, anger, her own brand of fierce determination. But nothing came. She seemed to be sifting through a mind overflowing with card catalogues, however without any urgency or faith at finding the needed index card amongst millions alike. You could say she looked lost.
Three trills thundered out in the echoing silence of our dually occupied Room of Requirement – or what I hoped would be exactly what Bella needed in these undetermined moments.
I hurried out into the sitting room, wondering briefly if Bella was okay to be left alone in a tub full of water, ready to push away anyone who'd be stupid enough to request any of my attention at this indispensable time.
"Rose, god, why aren't you dressed? I-" Alice, it's only Alice, I sighed in relief."What the fuck is wrong?"
The instant panic that resonated from Alice had me imagining what I must have looked like to her, but such thoughts were cut short at the distinct sound of splashing.
I left Alice's uncharacteristically vulgar questioning in the entry way as I tore towards my destructively brimming friend left behind in anything but an empty bathtub.
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BPOV
I was completely still in the eye of a storm.
Hail, rain, wind - disaster swarmed around me, yet I remained stationary.
If I am dreaming, how can the raging typhoon echo so directly in my ear?
My sight told me I was swaying, turning, being heaved about by the surrounding water and unstable ship deck but my consciousness knew better. If the storm wasn't real, then the boat off in the distance wasn't actually being decimated; it wasn't being ripped in two as it tried to pass by. No, it wasn't really there.
In turn, that meant everything else my eyes were processing was wrong. Yet again, I needed to rely on my mind and sense to escape an impossible situation.
Using this whimsy monologue to separate myself from my imagination and heady sleep, one heavy eye was able to inch open.
Sight, touch, sound, smell – I knew I was now fully functioning and no longer dreaming, though I might as well have been.
Stubbly jaw, warm skin, tender lips, feathered eyelashes and a loud ass rainstorm raging just beyond the window to my back occupied my first few seconds of day.
As I stretched my limbs minutely, I filled my lungs with a deep breath and froze.
The air held musk and sweat and burned my throat.
What that meant along with everything else seemed to register at once.
Edward was impossibly close, his morning erection straining against my thigh, which could easily feel the satin of the sheets that ensconced us to each other. Yep, we were both naked. I was also quite sore, my lady bits feeling a tad swollen and uncontained. And … I could smell our sex thick in his apparently vacuum-sealed bedroom.
Our night flooded back to me in Technicolor, acid trip style.
"Please, Edward. Please."… "I love it when you say my name."
"Love … shit … that feels incredible. No one's ever taken me so deeply."… "No one's ever taken me period."
"Fuck."
"This isn't fucking, Edward."… "I've never made love to anyone before either, I'm scared too."
"I love you, Bella." … "I love you, too. I do." … "I do."
Now, instead of tumultuous weather resounding in my ears two simple words collided over and over; "I do."
Edward had …
… and I … had in return.
When the fuck did this become true?
More importantly, how the hell did I let this happen?
I searched my mind for the moment and came up dry.
Damn.
Every movement I made, out of stunned disbelief and groggy confusion, caused the beautiful man wrapped around me to cinch up this love cuddle.
Love.
Edward loves me.
The idea of that was thrilling. The reality was laced with expectations.
But you've already said you loved him back. You punctuated it.
That "I do" was still gonging around in my cerebrum.
The obvious question of "Do I?" was irrelevant. So I quickly swept the very real answer of "Yes" under the two thousand threat count sheets.
The dilemma with the most weight, that could never be contained inside Safeco Field let alone under a king sized bed sheet, pressed against the backs of my eyes forcing them closed. This was just as well, because I couldn't watch my boyfriend, my lover, my first everything sleep serenely as my damaged psyche gained control of my weaker, base emotions.
So what, Bella? This may be love. And?
… and nothing.
I had to pull away, because it was quickly becoming a real possibility that I might fucking throw up the heart that had begun to palpitate in my chest, expressing its own form of rebellion against my warring thoughts.
"Bella?" My mind and heart joined forces if for but a moment.
He can't see you freaking out like this. He'll know. You'll ruin him, this, everything.
My face went stony - ashen and fixed – as I tried to infuse my voice with the care I knew resided beneath my mounting hysteria.
"Good morning." My voice sounded normal enough, if only exhausted and strained.
"Mmmm, good morning, love."
My breaths were coming faster from the nearness of Edward's heat and the infusion of his dedication to me in this greeting.
His shifting body sent his cock a-wandering between my legs and, coupled with his heavy lids and pleasured countenance, I was instantly wet everywhere.
My arousal was strong as were the tears that threatened to pool in my downcast eyes, and a freezing sweat broke across my brow and in all my hollows – neck, back, elbows, knees.
"Fuck," he whispered into my hair as he shifted higher, bringing his lengthening tool home.
I didn't know what to do or what to want or say. So I hugged him tighter and willed my undefined tears away.
I thought of having him inside me at this confusing moment and that only left me more deranged.
There was no doubt in wanting him; god I wanted him. Every inch of my over stimulated body remembered how complete it felt to be filled and stretched by Edward, but in the aftermath of declaring ourselves when I never planned to even date this man I also wanted to be far away.
"If I keep going I'll be late, which I shouldn't think twice about because – fuck." Edward's hands wound around me and he pulled me into the crook of his neck, resting us both on our sides.
"Bella," Edward's eyes were on mine now to which he paused and searched my face. I prayed he wouldn't find the truth of my thoughts touching any of my features. I needed to get away and fix myself so I wouldn't- "I have to go, before I'm late. We slept the fucking morning away. I will see you at the match, yes?"
The match? The match, the match, the match- oh.
"Yes," I promised, finally regaining the definition of "match" from my stunned mental dictionary.
His responding smile reached far beyond his eyes. "You were incredible last night, by the way. Now I'm wondering, how do you feel about morning breath?"
"Does Edward Cullen get morning breath?" Damn it felt nice to feign incredulous.
"Do you give a fuck?"
I had to try, to pretend, to trick him into leaving without worry, without infecting this significant morning-after with my debilitating doubt.
"Hell n-" His lips caught mine mid "no," mouth fully puckered.
Cullen was delicious any time of day. That would never change.
At this point, I confessed inwardly, that might be the only thing left unaffected after today.
====*====
I walked. I remembered. I chastised. I smiled over love.
But, still, I couldn't find it.
The answer.
I knew the question like a fucking soul mate.
What do I do now?
The air around me was cold and wet, and I gripped the brand new umbrella I'd found stashed in Edward's front room closet tighter.
I was tired of the rain, the flooding of the sidewalks, streets and every body of water that now flowed significantly higher through and around the greater Seattle area. And I hadn't felt like getting any heavier, or drowning further, as I walked home.
Soon Rosalie was touching my hair and I felt warmth surround my limbs and muscles, relaxing my spine and spreading heat everywhere.
When I realized I was lying in a tub of water I no longer felt soothed.
My legs were the first to thrash as my entire body eventually jumped into action to get me the fuck out.
Get me out. Get me the fuck out. No water. No more.
I was screaming inside. Outside.
Rose.
Alice.
Soft. Dry. Brush through my hair. Sheets.
This outside world was numb to me, thankfully leaving more energy to sift through my interior. Because, shit I'd let it get a mess.
But I could only shift. No deducing, no deciding, no determined course of action.
I stumbled over the days that led to my arriving at Fremont, falling away from the principles that governed my life, landing in Edward's arms, bed, heart.
I found perfect clarity there, what didn't make sense was me. My logic was fighting this new person I'd gradually become. And Edward.
Shit.
Edward … the match.
"No, Bella. You don't have to go … don't worry, we'll stay with you."
Whoever spoke misunderstood my reaction to not going as being afraid to be alone, when in fact it was that I'd told Edward I'd be there. It was like I could do nothing right by him except watch him play, be there for his victory; support Edward from afar - not get close enough to ruin it for him.
"Help me get dressed." I knew I didn't have the ability to put together a matching top and bottom, let alone remember both simultaneously, so it was left to my girls. And as they put my exterior back together, better than an average girl on her very best day, I began to feel my eyes opening wider and the things happening all around my exhausted body actually beginning to register.
The P.E.T. was bright and way too full to differentiate words from noise much beyond a three-foot radius.
In my detached state I was able to ignore it all as we claimed our front row seats.
How fucking amazing is he?
My eyes remained locked on Edward, my Edward, as we sat, after the whistle blew, from play to play. With every lithe jump and flawless pass I saw Edward's abilities represented in this one area of skill he had. He was too perfect, too able, too reformed … too sure.
As my mental shifting waned fruitless my previous thoughts resounded; I'm a mess. My shit is going to destroy him too.
Being with Edward felt exactly right to every part of me except my memories, the area of my mind that held people at arms length until the day they inevitably moved on. But beyond that, I wasn't whole. If anything, the past served to remind me that with each life disappointment, every loss, a part of me was taken away as well – without my permission. And if I were to give my permission this time? If I were to offer myself completely would that mean I'd lose myself completely?
Yes.
To Edward.
He deserved nothing less and had given me even more of himself than that.
But he was fixed; he'd found a way to better himself. I wasn't anywhere near that.
First love was just that, unequal, marred with the unfinished story of the individual expressing such a powerful emotion for the first time while waging wars with the past.
But, I wasn't Edward's first, was I?
"I thought I fell in love once. I know now it wasn't love, and had suspected as much since, but at the time I'd been sure."
His words from the bridge floated back and brought on another round of answerless questions.
So, does that make me his first love or just his first positive experience with said emotion? If it's impossible to be sure while in the depths of it will I look back one day and realize this time with Edward based on love wasn't actually "love" but a great copycat? If he was sure then, how does he know he really loves me now?
"Bella? Bella?" I was pulled from my wonderings long enough to realize the match had ended and I was staring face to face with an intoxicatingly beautiful woman. Alice kept on with her initial intention; "Bella, this is Heidi Morgan - the mastermind behind Kaleidoscope et all. Heidi, this is Bella Swan my fabulous friend and Edward's girlfriend." Ali was giddy and enthralled throughout the introductions and it took every available thread of thought to remember ever hearing of this woman. Once I'd pieced together that past party-centered conversation with this energetic greeting I smiled at the thought of Alice's sexual forays and shook Heidi's hand with a smile stretching across my teeth.
"Good to meet you. We've heard all about you."
"All? Well, there is so much to tell." Heidi winked at Alice, who burned scarlet without a trace of bashfulness. Actual pride adorned her features, if I was reading the arched eyebrows and fiery glint in her eye correctly. "It's wonderful to hear Eddie's found himself a willing partner."
"Eddie?" The nickname sounded oddly familiar coming from this stranger's perfect pink lips. I looked from Heidi to Alice, seeing slight confusion flicker in Alice as well.
"Oh, just a little something I used to call him. It has been too long Alice; how the hell is your sweet ass?"
"Very satisfied, actually. See the blond, built, sex on legs by the bench over there? Yep, he's mine."
"But your ass, Alice? Did I teach you nothing?" Her throaty laugh felt like another puzzle piece snapping into place.
"God, Heidi. So literal. You haven't changed at all."
"… stunning, infectious, undeniable – she could convince a starving man to abandon food outright with one simple red lipped promise of something better."
The memory of Alice's descriptive words about Heidi tumbled back and I couldn't help remembering Edward's eventual unease with the topic of this woman and how odd I'd found it even then.
"Shit, but someone else has," Heidi quipped, pulling me from my recollections.
Our eye lines joined Heidi's as she basically eye fucked the man I was quickly convincing myself deserved to have my poisonous problems far away.
Isn't she supposed to be gay?
"Did he use to look much different?" I couldn't help but wonder aloud; I'd known him for such a short amount of time, after all.
"Heidi graduated when we were freshman. Edward's changed quite significantly since then." Alice's confusion seemed to be growing as she observed Heidi's reaction to Edward.
"Yes, he certainly has. The way that boy mooned I thought he'd never get over the time we spent together."
"Time you spent together?" Alice said the words, while I simultaneously thought them, with a slight indignation.
"Did he never tell you? Eddie must not have changed that much after all, ever the mysterious charmer."
"I never realized you called him Eddie. Or that … oh my god … Heidi … fucking – you. It was you?"
Coupled with Alice's astonished face and the reverb of Edward's month old confession recoiling with understanding in my head I felt my feet taking me away as I remembered.
"I didn't know where I thought I was going but I just needed her off me, to be rid of every part of me she consumed and touched. Alice had been silent at my heels, until we made it to this exact spot and then she started asking all the questions I couldn't handle answering and saying her name over and over."
I'd just used this memory as a way to discern our love. Now the object of his first, even if misguided, actual encounter with love stood where I left her with Alice - tall, gorgeous, intoxicating – a true force of ruin. Her presence in his life had decimated Edward for everyone he touched after that, and for years, years he battled with the pain her own issues and insecurities carved into him. She wasn't attracted to men, yet used them to fill her many, expansive voids left behind in the wake of too much beauty and charisma and not enough substantial companionship. She was a mess. Or at least used to be. And her little charade of throwing her past fucking annihilation of Edward in our faces as a form of power was sickening and made me believe she'd never changed her ways.
Heidi was a permanent disaster.
Eddie. Eddie. It sounded so familiar and seemed the only fragment I hadn't super glued together. I reached through drawer after drawer looking for the memory that held the meaning of this nickname.
"So, how do you think Edward Cullen came to love the nick name Eddie? I find that insider info tantalizing. Anything that gives me the upper hand is dreadfully intoxicating. I would think you feel the same way, Bella. It's a woman's prerogative to feast on power."
Rosalie in full bitch swing had brought the nickname "Eddie" into my repertoire thanks to an incomplete conversation with Alice.
"God, if he only heard you call him that he'd think I put you up to it. I'd tell you more, but I can't. Let's just say, he really enjoys that name … just not in public."
"Maybe we'll hear Angela screaming it from Bella's bedroom later tonight."
Alice had affirmed that Edward indeed enjoys this name. Enjoys – present tense.
How could he still be aroused by the misguided attempts at affection this wench Heidi bestowed upon him in the very hour of his downfall?
We are all fucking nuts, that's how.
And it was "we" now because I'd accepted Fremont without even realizing it. Sure, the girls and I stood our ground so it wouldn't crash over us, but over the last few weeks I'd stopped rebelling against the nature here quite as seriously. I still hated parties and the people were for shit, but I was well on my way to compliance just like my five cohorts.
The disease was inside now, fully permeated. Here I couldn't escape my growing love for a more whole man than I. Edward obviously still had his degenerate layovers, but his indisputable restoration didn't need my baggage, the explored and still unaddressed alike.
So, I kept walking, knowing there was nowhere to go but finding a demented comfort in how truly normal that was for Bella Swan.
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JPOV
Something was horrendously wrong.
It wasn't in her coloring or stance … it was her eyes. It was as if one brown disk conveyed an emotion that the other had no ability whatsoever to express, so instead it communicated a completely different feeling all together. And they weren't even trying to meet, to compromise somewhere in the middle. That was the severity of their disconnect.
As I moved back and forth with the motion of the match - hardly paying attention to the action or my teammates or anything really that wasn't Bella's polar focus - I became almost irrationally consumed with the regulation clock displaying the remaining time before I could get to her side and find out what the hell had happened.
In addition to her eyes, everything about Bella struck me as different. These refinements weren't negative, just unfamiliar. Like I need more foreign shit from her.
I assumed as Bella worked out whatever had her mind running circles that the furrow of her brow would soften and the inevitable calm only rational can bring would settle in. If anything, Bella's skin began to gray and each confused iris seemed more resolute in its division as the milliseconds ticked by.
The explanation?
Bella had been torn. Right the fuck in two.
Whether she'd done so herself by simply wanting Cullen when she was in no way fit state to, or whether he'd somehow hurt her with the normal fuckery, it didn't matter - not truly. We were here now. There was no turning back.
I warned that fucking douche bag what exactly all of this fairy tale bullshit was capable of corrupting. He thought what he had to offer could open a box welded tightly shut, but all he'd really attained were message from inside – no one ever gets to see what actually resides away from prying eyes. She'd always made sure of that.
Damn it all, Bella.
The whistle sounded, but I still had obligations. Keeping all mental faculties strained in Bella's direction, yet my face composed and engaged enough to pass as attentive, I listened first to Coach wax on about our win and then Emmett's added profane congratulations.
My body was pulling away, daring to alert the direction of my focus and the actions it had planned to launch the moment we were released. I didn't want Edward to beat me to her. She'd never talk then.
My eyes locked on Bella, across the pool, as she spoke with Alice and someone else. So much defeat was stored up there, wild fear and perhaps even guilt or … pity? Bella didn't register our momentary communication. She was too far gone.
Gone.
Or, at least her thought were directing her somewhere.
I was studiously refraining from delving too deeply into the fucking finite reasons Bella was spiraling so close to a pain I'd only seen provoked by death when my brain processed her retreating steps.
Emmett wouldn't shut the fuck up and Edward's attention was being pulled towards his girlfriend just as mine had been.
Around the corner, and no doubt through the door and down the steps, my graceful girl was leaving. Not without purpose, but it wasn't an all out disastrous run either.
But it was a deliberate escape.
From me? Had she realized my intent? Him? Don't even go there. Remember the mess your assumptions caused last time?
Damn my head hurt. But I couldn't panic. No, I had to remain in control.
"Where'd she go?" Edward had been to my left since this torturous team bonding began and basically had the same vantage point on our retreating girl as I did. It took him too long to notice she was gone.
"That depends, Cullen. What happened?" His expression held no guilt, or the sudden appearance of an illuminated light bulb, as he carefully searched his memory bank.
Empty.
"I'm not sure what you mean," was apparently Edward's best effort. Fuck - this kid is clueless.
I felt Alice before she spoke, and not just in the soft, deliberate grasp of my forearm; her energy was crackling in the atmosphere. She's concerned too.
"Jasper, Bella just left. I tried to follow – I can't believe I wasn't fast enough – but once I got down the steps I couldn't see which way she went." I opened my mouth to say … something, who knows what, when I finally took stalk of the other person involved in the girls' pre-Bella escape conversation.
This woman was the veritable incarnation of sin in heels.
"Hello, Eddie." Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you Edward, and all of the past pussy life regurgitates all over Bella. It was obvious who this friend was and the no doubt pleasant conversation Bella had excused herself from.
A new rabbit hole emerged as I considered a third party element to Bella's downward spiral.
"Heidi." Edward greeted with a stern nod.
I tried to absorb the cold interaction going on before me and also calm Alice's frantic concern, but the never ending internal questions were slowly suffocating me. Did something happen with this woman? Is Edward to blame in more than the fucking obvious ways? Did Bella simply hit the boiling point you've been dreading all along?
Answers. Please.
"Angel, did Bella say anything to you, give you any indication if something … happened?" I could have said "was wrong" but I knew the answer to that – no more time could be wasted on inanity.
Her eyes spoke the confusion that similarly constricted my airways. We both looked at Edward whose consciousness was a million miles away.
"How have you been, Eddie? It's been-" Every man's definition of a masturbatory idol spoke in syrup tones, obviously hoping to ensnare Cullen's attention.
To my somewhat decreased surprise he wasn't having any of her shit.
"I have to go."
No, he needed to alleviate the fucking panic with some ANSWERS. My patience for talking was disintegrating as more minutes were racking up since Bella's departure.
Without warning my hand flashed out and clenched his shoulder, thumb pressing into his blade emphatically.
"Edward, man, what happened?"
His returned expression was unreadable to me.
Edward and Alice exchanged what seemed to be a silent conversation before he gave me a hard look and headed for the locker rooms.
"Oh my god." All attention flew to Ali's stifled shriek of instant understanding.
"What? Alice … what?" Her body was calming down as the information she'd gathered was absorbed by all her senses.
"Heidi, it was nice running into you. Take care." With a hand stretched out, Ali beckoned me to her and I followed without a farewell to the woman I'd not been introduced to.
I held my infuriatingly quiet angel's hand and stepped foot over the other to match her pace, waiting for her to begin, knowing all hell would be paid for pushing her before she was ready. Oh, the double standards. In the mean time, my thoughts replayed all that had taken place in the last five minutes.
How the fuck do you make sense out of nothing?
I knew Bella was escaping inside herself and I had to find her before she got too far. Bringing her to Fremont had been a mistake of epic proportions. Yes, she made friends but at what cost? Sanity? Stability? Sustainable life?
All the years of healing she'd forged through were slowly dying away, like the flesh of a leaper. It was so gradual, so interior, that it wasn't truly apparent until it was too late – bits of Bella were falling away.
You knew she was headed here. Why didn't you stop it? Force the path? I was a fucking idiot to think I could have changed anything, Bella was her own person. But hell if I'd stand back now. She needed a way out of this circus.
We stopped abruptly.
"They had sex," Alice calmly voiced.
Uh ----
"Jasper - last night Bella and Edward had sex. I think she must be overwhelmed."
Overwhelmed? I scoffed in anger. No, emotional catastrophe. Vulnerable ruin.
Don't be angry with her for knowing nothing of consequence about Bella.
"Alice, I have to go."
My tone was clipped from the torrents of rage I was battling and the bile I was holding at bay. Alice felt the gravity of it.
"'Kay …"
She didn't know exactly what I meant but soon she would.
"I love you, Angel." I couldn't meet her gaze. Because I was already making plans. With the part of my brain that hadn't been unhinged and only saw black I knew there was only one way.
It was time to send Fremont to the past tense of our lives.
Dreams were made here, the heat from my love's body told me that. But fuck if they didn't die here too.
I pulled my fingers from hers, breathed ragged heartache into her little ear and ghosted my lips against the hairline there.
Now I was torn in two, but I'd made a promise to myself after bearing the impact of Rosalie's hatred and my failure. Family - my girls – had to be my first choice. I'd made that mistake too frequently in this lifetime already.
More than that, I wanted to be the one to save Bella from her self, from this place I let distort her.
"Jasper, what the hell?" Her words weren't angry as a river of tears pulled down both cheeks. She was catching up.
"Say you love me, Alice, please."
Her eyes were wide and heartbeat pounded at the taunt skin of her neck. She wasn't a stupid girl.
I turned away towards the opposite path we were traveling, head bowed because she hadn't said the words I'd never deserve from her lips again.
"Alice …" No more, Jasper. Don't ruin this further with words.
As I fled, I prayed she wouldn't follow me or run to Rosalie, as that would eventually be my destination.
Running the trip in need of distraction not speed, while I pushed away the crippling reality of what I'd just done, I rounded on Pike – she wasn't at my room. No familiar classroom, bench or favorite expanse of grass held her. The world within these elite city walls lent few hiding places, the bare exposure of this life inescapable.
Bella would need clothes and toiletries, just a few things like I'd grabbed for myself.
My carefully calculated life was now on auto pilot, survival mode. But not my own – it was now about Bella's survival.
"When hasn't it been about Bella's survival?"
Rosalie. I'd ended up at the suite more quickly than I thought I would.
"I didn't know I was speaking out loud. Please Rose, don't be difficult now."
I burst into Bella's empty room and pulled what I needed together.
"Do you have your bag?" Inexplicable relief and horror passed through my twin before a very bewildered Bella interrupted both of our trains of thought.
Her eyes questioned the bag in my hand and the stifling emotional bulldozer she'd no doubt crashed into walking across her own threshold.
"Rosalie, get your bag."
"Emmett," she said, quietly chastising me.
"And?" I knew she wouldn't come.
"It's okay, Jas. I'm okay. Here." I wanted her with us.
"But, Rose -"
"Jasper?" Bella's voice was hoarse and countenance nearly unsalvageable, as she visibly shook in place.
I was doing right by her; I knew that in this moment. She told me so, impossibly, with her dead eyes. But I had to hurry up.
"I'm taking you home." Finally cohesive emotions flickered. Inability, longing, fear, torn – Bella was broken apart.
"Home?" She was crying and laughing, sputtering and hushed, eyes alight with frenzy.
"Arizona first and then we'll find it – where we need to be," I assured my crazy girl.
I'm getting you out of here.
Bella tugged Rose's hand asking for something - for her to come, permission to leave, a sound reason to stay.
My mind tried to shove what we had here to the forefront of this unsteady plan, making me see the worth, but all I could acknowledge was helping Bella find a place to escape to.
Alice's lips and heart and laugh flickered around my resolute decision, searching for a crack. But, I was needed more by someone else.
I'd always be failing someone.
I clenched Red's keys in my palm and shouldered our baggage.
"Bella?"
She released Rose, remembering we'd be okay just the two of us, and pecked her lips.
And without another thought, Bella saw the end of her line and walked out the suite ahead of me showing the world once again she was in control of her own destiny and that Fremont was always meant to be a speck in the time line of our lives.
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A/N: I know. I really do. Please hang in here with me!
If you are looking here for the EPOV Lavender's Blue outtake [Finished outtake thanks to Kassiah's sweet encouragement!] you can find it following Chapter 22 Roses Are Red's A/N. ~RAE
P.S. If you're looking for fic recs check out my new C2, RAE's Epic List of WIN, located on my profile.