Chapter 27 Itsy Bitsy Spider

A/N: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.

Alright, so I had a bit of fail; thank goodness that's behind me. I know where I'm going now, what these kooky characters are doing, the 'why's and many of the 'how's. So cheers, to being able to keep writing this dude even though my story outline scarcely detailed after Chapter Twenty Six until quite recently. We're also hugging the two-fifty mark on 'favorites;' it warms my heart knowing Girls and Boys Come Out to Play can be found on that many people's profiles. Crazy! Oh, and you should also know, I love you;) And now, on with this serious, painstaking business...

This Ruined Puzzle by Dashboard Confessional inspired the first Jasper POV.

Please, set All I Wanted by Paramore on repeat as you read from Edward's POV to the end.

Music can be found on my profile.

JPOV

Ruined.

Broken.

Sabotaged?

Only Alice's face filled my thoughts, every creeping hour long. Sweat dripped. Possibility slipped away. Actually, it drove away, masterfuck. I'd always been a damn good driver.

Will she ever be mine again?

Realizing my mistake, I released my caught breath in a gust; how dare I suggest she'd ever belonged to me in the first place. My heavy steps scraped back and forth across the lined linoleum, the cold that permeated the surface numbing my toes despite shoes and socks and heat stroke.

Over the last week, I'd learned quickly the impossibility of reclaiming something, fully intact, once it had been thrown away; that by willingly discarding preciousness you're testing the basis of basic belonging and fallout becomes unavoidable.

And Alice had been the fucking fallout of it concoction of vulgarity could accurately describe how low I'd allowed myself to sink.

Nowhere in my mind did I believe I should be let off the hook, forgiven. I deserved nothing, but the chance to explain and grovel had turned into some sort of festering obsession within the deep reaches of my mind.

After being alone for so long, I'd left Fremont thinking life would go on; that I'd still be myself. Instead, that guy – the ass I'd somehow lost for everything that's better - was hangin' with Bella's rusted truck back in Forks, or maybe lingering in the now evaporated air outside Rosalie's doorway, reeking of lies and dissension; change and absolution. Along the way, it never occurred to me that the familiar Jasper had become obsolete - naturally progressing and becoming increasingly unrecognizable - leaving the future of what I'd be in its now hollow place.

Bringing Bella to school had shifted everything for me; Alice's love, striving toward redemption with Rose, all had left me irrevocably altered. I'd subconsciously given up my old self in favor of something foreign, dangerous, resplendent - just as my aggravation had accused Bella of doing. Honestly though, which of us hasn't changed in paramount ways? I rationalized selfishly, now apparently allowing myself to make jackass excuses.

Only, unlike Bella, I refused to forfeit the past and instead clung to it; protecting my cousin – even when she didn't need it – and high tailing it when shit got messy and hard to push though. No longer did I feel required to stake my entire worth on being a best friend, a family to the family-less. Yet, I insisted on acting like a little bitch when I was called out as the negligible brother I'd always been to Rosalie. I couldn't even do the deed with my girlfriend without analysis. I had stared the fucking possibility of getting to love someone of my actual own in the face - while Bella and Rose grew up too, right beside me - and walked away. Instead, I chose to force an outdated solution that ended up being our ultimate ruin.

Protector, perpetuator, decimator.

I'd held Bella and myself back when both of us just really needed to let go. Make mistakes. Lose our virginities and minds. It had been the two of us for so long. That had been my function. Then suddenly I was going to get to be a brother, to my actual sister; I was going to get to love an angel.

Did I panic? Was I freaked at attempting to love someone besides Bella? Was it really G's zombie disconnect that had me racing through the gates or was it the realization that I didn't know how to fix all the new shit coming at us, and the only sure fire way for our duo to make it through was to turn back the clocks? I'd gotten her through before. We'd done just fine. But now we actually had something worth going crazy for, lose a little hair over, and I still hauled us out of town in search of a time that had passed. No matter which angle I stripped bare, there was no possibility I'd be able to pin point every way I'd disabled us.

The basics were obvious enough, though; I'd been blinded and crippled by clouded perspective. Insignificant fact, insecurity, fear, desperation – whatever the contagions were they'd been thick and potent. But the lost twenty-twenty vision, that I'd needed to find a clear path through my mistakes, had been miraculously restored. It had taken one simple phone call.

"She was hopeless, man. That's all I know … I'll explain more when you get here, Jasper. Just fucking get here."

So I got here as only the new Jasper could, awake and willing, only to find Alice was neither. And I waited like the rest of them, broken and needy. I held her at night - clung to her, really – wordless, tireless, hopeful and aware. Now, that same rematerialized sight made it quite plain that no matter how purposefully I'd molded my body to hers during the in-between times my welcome had eroded. As obvious as being kept an entire room away was, nothing could have more plainly stated how she felt about me coming near her than the word she'd uttered just before they'd whisked her away, mere moments after waking up in my arms; "Don't."

She didn't want me waiting; Alice didn't want me inside.

Looking on briefly, each time my pacing brought me close enough to see through the slats in her hospital room blinds, I strained for any glimpse I could manage. However, each pass was the same; she was asleep, safe from endless tests and comas and freezing water. She wasn't hurling over ledges or being dragged to shore. Her saving cohort, however, was present. Active, fucking, bedside companion.

Seeing him, as I passed, reminded me easily of where I was supposed to be directing my focus. Edward was sitting in my chair and I threw my efforts into becoming increasingly irrational on this side of the door. While he was offered the perch nearest her swollen eyelids and bandaged head, I was bound here by my own will. And, he's not in your spot, idiot. You belong in the bed, holding her. My renegade thoughts were counter productive.

Focus Jasper - him, Him. I tried to redirect all my anger and thought and reasons for stumbling around these deserted, darkened hallways back to Edward. Frustratingly, I knew that I didn't give a damn about Cullen. Not really. He was just a convenient scapegoat, which helped me keep from dwelling on my true consumption. It was easier to tell myself I was pissed at the fucker who taught my best friend to fall in love and then jacked her virginity, who let my Ali jump her sorrows away. But no dude, no matter how vile I found him, could be the source of my current all-encompassing thought. I could not go there in my mind, though, because then I'd forget her request and walk into the forbidden hospital room.

The walls and excuses my mind had constructed were frail and faulty, hinging on my desire for ignorance. If it wasn't him keeping me pacing around this sterile cave, it was automatically her, everything and anything Alice. And then I'd have to be beside her.

And that was precisely what Alice didn't want, awake or not, and she was after all where my care and concern remained. Alice wanting space wasn't enough to keep me out – I was too consumed by my fucking pal penance - but obsessively hating Edward was just the thing my brain could use to inspire distance. I'd made enough of a mess already without getting into a fight over Alice's recovery bed.

So I'd pretend a while longer, at least, and attempt to obey her wishes.

Pushing her beautiful eyes away from my mental purview, as I desperately longed to catch their literal – and impossible – attention, I turned on my heel. Leaving Alice to dream, as I walked another nightmarish loop in my sloppy hospital circuit, my mind foolishly returned to everything I'd just fought to rid it of.

*******

EPOV

One moment Alice had been pretty boisterous for a recovering coma patient, and the next was filled with her interspersed snores. Truthfully, the entire night probably only registered at a three on the Ali-Energizer meter. Shrugging back into the plastic chair I'd occupied long enough to leave my ass uncomfortably asleep, I tugged at the ends of my hair in a needed reprieve. I can't spend any more of today concerned about all the surrounding shit, I reminded my over active sympathies, as I pulled what her lack luster responses and shadowed eyes indicated away from my brain.

Needing a distraction, I combed the room for something to occupy the time I'd wait to make sure our mournful patient was indeed out for the night. I didn't want to end up like Rosalie had after learning this morning that she'd left too soon the night before. Alice had apparently been freaked, having awoken to a lonely darkness and unable to fall back asleep, and when Rose found out her whole body deflated, expressing its true desire to crawl in a hole and die. I didn't need to encounter additional desolation if at all possible, thank you fucking much.

Instinctively, I began shifting through Emmett's trademark mess and the layers of magazines that cluttered Ali's bedside table. Completely out of place, I spotted Flaubert's Sentimental Education hiding beneath Interview and some DragonfisH takeout boxes. I found the weighty volume's presence curious, given Alice had never been into reading as a past time. That fact, coupled with this copy's well-worn binding, immediately relinquished any claim on my confined best friend. She didn't have the patience needed to create such obvious wear tracks. Handling the frequently poured over story now made me wish my own history had included familiarizing myself with it. I felt the pull to personally see how the plot turned out in the end; if what predicated the last sentence would convince me, the reader, of this journey's worth.

Undoubtedly, Bella was the owner of this knowledge, this novel, because out of all of us only she was passionate enough to render a classic so used. I leafed through the pages she must have turned a hundred times, hoping to perhaps deduce where she felt most at home in the story. Since I couldn't ask. Yet.

Adding another inconsequential question to the proverbial pile, I stopped up short; not brushing through to the end cavalierly, while pondering more Bella mysteries, as I'd intended. No, this discovery wasn't as simple as a mere book the girl that I loved had in turn loved; it was anything but inconsequential. She'd written here, in the margins. Everywhere on this page, and, sadly, less on others, Bella's own thoughts and misgivings, questions and points for later consideration were littered throughout the available edges of blankness.

Flipping frantically, I drank down the scrawl - often wishing her penmanship was easier to decipher - as I grew increasingly anxious that someone would walk in. Probably no one would even realize what I was up to, pilfering her private thoughts from this personal possession, but I still felt naughty. A boy with his hand in the candy jar. These recorded attentions, though, were far more valuable than treats, even compared to a five-year-old rascal's love for sweets. This book was Bella. It was passionate and present Bella - Bella when no was looking or invited.

Fucking gold.

Once the nerves became too agitating, and the words began to blur in a precocious haze, I stroked the binding closed. It wasn't even a question; I'd take this book with me. I'd read it all. I'd read all of Bella.

Since I hadn't really talked to her in days, seeing those words belonging solely to her translated oddly like a shared communication between the girl who had clarity enough to form opinions and jot them down and myself – the man who missed her terribly. My Bella was still out there, somewhere. This lost, confused, spiraling woman was temporary. Bella had to return to herself, didn't she? She had to return to me?

But now I was just twisting through the same ditches I'd dug my thoughts into; a week's worth of rut, a lifetime's worth of material to reconsider and rework. I'd always look back finding ways I could have done all this shit better.

You can't change her, Cullen. You can't fix her up.

I knew this. I'd fucking reminded myself of this fact - which I'd decided would carry me through - since we found out the jump had left Alice in a coma. Though my heart was torn up, there was more going on around me than Bella. So, I'd attempted to calm down and take on one crisis at a time, but now her silence was breaking me down. Yes, Bella had let me know she needed time in the form of actual words; "I need time. I'll find you …" The six shittiest words ever. I didn't count them for anything more than what they were – avoidance. Garbage. I'd become the fucking King of patience over the last however many weeks, but now I was riled.

Mimicking the pace of my thoughts, my propped foot jittered almost enough to knock it from its perch atop my opposite knee - back and forth, round and round, up and down, repeat. I had no idea how to keep waiting when that was impossible, and my only solution would be to seek her out; also impossible.

Convinced of Alice's steady slumber and my immediate need to escape the confining room, I buttoned up, book secure and mind a-racing. Dimming Alice's overhead lights even more – nurses be damned – I opened and closed the door behind me noiselessly.

If I would have been watching where I was going, instead of getting one last assurance of Alice's restful state through the window, I might not have bumped into Jasper. If the stupid ass would just go home for five minutes, instead of loitering for days on end, maybe we could have avoided this fun moment. None of that had been my luck.

I folded a fist into my exhausted eye socket, giving it a comforting rub as I allowed a certain measure of humanity to escape; "What's the watch word?"

His lips pressed into a taunt line; my guess, this was what smiling had been reduced to. "Is she asleep?"

"I wouldn't leave if she weren't." He underestimated me; I hated him. This late, it seemed like a fair trade.

"Yeah," he mumbled, attention far away. Looking like shit wasn't the worst thing about the mess standing before me, I decided as I really saw the detestable fuck Emmett insisted my own anger wouldn't affect; Jasper was mid-apocalypse. The wildness of his gaze, the invariable pain that reddened the whites of his eyes, honestly appeared to be just the beginning of everything that had him spiraling down. Sleep would probably not even take the edge off. Still, it seemed like he should try.

"What are you still doing here, Jasper?"

Blink. Blink. "I'm still on the approved list, right?" Yeah, but only because I'm too lazy to change it. He could be here at night; I didn't care. It would take paperwork to alter the list now and Alice was going to be released sooner rather than later … I suddenly felt the urge to rage over how despicable it was that her parents weren't here, that they thought it would be "okay" if I designated off-hours visitors, while they remained abroad, and that actually Em had to submit who was approved for night visits because he was legal. This list was a hassle that reminded me I was capable of taking care of nothing - like I was ever going to bother with it again.

All those thoughts coursed through one side of my brain while the other answered; "Yeah. You still are."

"Why wouldn't I be here, then?" He began condescendingly, which quickly caved into vulnerability. "I can't seem to leave."

"You should go say goodnight." I said, as I tipped my head to indicate the only person I could be referring to; She's a liar anyway. Alice was wilting away; I was pretty sure she wouldn't kill him if he came near; she just might suck him down like oxygen.

"Don't encourage me, Edward. Just … don't."

"I think she's lost without you, Jasper. I know what she said – we all know. You fucked up. But that doesn't change who she is and who you are to her. At least, that's how I see it." I slowly began walking away from this conversation, this unbelievably civil exchange that could crumble with one simple phrase. "Just say goodnight and then get some rest. And remember … you've never deserved her. You were always this fucking unworthy from the beginning, one way or another."

"Hey … Edward." His refusal to shut up stopped me from walking away as I'd planned; I wanted to groan as I thought about the reading project awaiting me in the privacy of my room. "If it had been Alice, do you think you would have left?"

If I were Jasper, asking the person I disliked most in the world that precise question … he was finally beyond pride – you're such an evolved fucking male elitist now, Cullen.

"We're not at all the same, man. Ali doesn't understand it, that similarly titled relationships vary so much. You and Bella are completely in your own stratosphere, though. And if I can say so – hell, I can say whatever I want – that hasn't been healthy since Bella finished mourning Renee. Life does go on, Jasper."

He didn't attack me - which was good since he'd asked the motherfucking question in the first place - and instead nodded. Accepting his motion as the conclusion to this strange encounter, I found myself headed toward the stairwell - in a rush that would only be impeded by an elevator wait - hoping to avoid another strangled and pitiful "Hey Edward."

Heaving my full weight into the crash bar sent the door flying open and ultimately made my escape a success. Breathing out, I prepared to take every step two at a time and get the hell home, when my brown, suede lace-up's path was obstructed.

Arms cradling legs, chest heaving against thighs, Bella sat hidden by the wall I'd just rounded in pursuit of the parking garage.

Inhaling sharply from surprise, I battled with what to do. In answer, my beautiful girl's face turned upwards, followed by the uncoiling of her stance, as she stood and looked me in the eyes.

"Bella." I knew she'd been avoiding me; I wasn't born fucking yesterday. If she wasn't taking the elevator, obviously the stairs had become her chosen path of resistance.

"I was waiting until Alice fell asleep-"

"I thought you left before Emmett, what, four hours ago? At least that's what he said when I got here." I could have kicked myself for interrupting; why did I have to challenge her in any way? Why couldn't I just let her fucking talk? I'd waited painstakingly for just that and now I was being a mouthy doucheweasel.

"I was going to come find you. I'm not ready to talk …" These words caused pressure behind my eyes and I was either going to start crying or the swelling of anger within me was going to force spontaneous globe luxation. Since I didn't plan on losing my eyeballs at the present moment, I tried to quell the reaction.

"Wait, wait!" Her little hands shot up in panic. "I may not be ready to talk, but that's only because I don't know if I'll ever be … ready to understand why I'm so selfish; why I'm so stupid.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I've been so hesitant and skittish about every fucking little progression with us. Trust, openness … love, I just-" Her voice caught, and the sound tore at my chest. "I can't believe I left you behind; I didn't say goodbye – I know I shouldn't have gone at all. And then, in the waiting room, when I thought you'd jumped, all the fucking righteous indignation I'd spewed at Jasper about evolving and being wrong just fucking railroaded me. I had abandoned everything I believed in because you loved me and I knew, I know for certain that I love you too, and for that to be true I had to have been wrong all along; to allow myself to feel that way about anyone, especially you, made me need to be wrong about you and people and the world. But if you had jumped like Alice did, after promising me you never would again, then you'd be the liar I'd always feared. And if you were that liar, then I was more fucked than words could say, because I'd finally chosen to believe you."

"I'm not a liar," I half whispered, half begging her to believe me once and for all.

"I'm learning that-"

"But you still don't know it, do you Bella?" My Bella was a riddle; she was mystifying herself. And me.

"It isn't just you, Edward, it's everyone – anyone."

With a rough growl I quickly countered; "If you really love me then I'm not just anyone."

"You're right, you're everyone. All of my rules have been tested and stretched by you. Which might be the biggest problem here. I think the importance of you in my life is too huge – you represent so much change. If I could get over myself you'd be the center of my fucking world."

She couldn't say things like that; it was like being separated by one-way mirror. Right there, I could see all of her but she could only find her own reflection no matter how hard she threw herself against the glass. Then again, ultimately, she'd stopped trying to break through her own walls.

"You left me, Bella."

"I knew I'd fail you eventually. It would have been a million times worse than Heidi. If what you feel for me really is love; I would have eventually ruined you too."

"You leave me, ignore me and question my love." Fisting my hair to offset one pain for another, I focused on her red cheeks, her flaming honesty, to keep from losing it completely.

"I question every second I spend anymore, Edward. This world," - her arms flailed all around frantically indicating space and time and infinity - "it all scares me shitless, because I don't recognize anything. I look at nothing the way I should; every moment I spend reminding myself that my instincts have been driven by the fear of "what if" … so what do I do now when everything "is" and I'm constantly scared? The ways I know how to protect myself have failed because my guard can't be up with you in my life.

"I may know now that you kept your word, and believe that if anyone in this world would be honest with me it's you, but I still fight to be honest with myself. And talking right now, I pray to God I'm saying things how I mean them, because I'm never quite sure.

"I put off talking to you this last week so I could try and find the answers that you more than deserve, so I could be specific and make things better with us. I feel like instead only more questions have surfaced, but I hated seeing your unhappiness. I hate making you so unhappy. I just don't think I have the capacity to be what you deserve right now; I know I don't have the words. My mind is such a fucking mess.

"I'll be sorry I did this to you probably longer than is healthy. And I know I'll love you even longer than that. Not that I know much about love …" By this point in her personal diatribe, I had her pressed up against the short wall with my entire body. I wanted her to crawl farther inside; I wanted to squeeze her into oblivion.

"You are your own worst enemy, Isabella Swan."

Time passed, while I thought and just fucking held the love of my life. More tears streamed down; her face, mine. There seemed too much to be said, but none of it was genuinely healing. I knew no matter what, our relationship wasn't escaping this hallway unchanged. The positive and negative of that truth was crushing.

Eventually I settled back to find her gaze and watched as her arms hung like million ton weights from her sagging shoulders; defeated couldn't begin to describe her.

I bore into her drooping, watery eyes as my thumbs wiped at the tear trails on her cheeks. Cradling her heavy head in my hands, I relished the opportunity to hold her even though I didn't know if this moment was filled more with desperation or understanding.

"I'm so upset by what you did, and I can't really wrap my head around your reasons, just like I know you can't either.

"Yes Bella, you are selfish, and bloody stubborn. All I want to do is shout at you and then kiss you so hard you stop freaking out, but you're caught up by what to want most, and I know exactly what I want most. So I can't throw a tantrum or touch you the way I really want to; you don't need either of those things from me, they won't make you able or willing to choose me. What you need is time to figure yourself out. I want to do this with you, but you have to do it yourself, Bella; by yourself.

"I've been selfish too, love. I knew you weren't ready the moment I realized I was. I unfairly needed things from you, and I took them."

"I gave those things to you, Edward," she vowed, reaching towards me as the reality of where this conversation was heading hit her.

"And I gave all of who I am to you," I reminded. Her hands fell back to her sides.

"I want to be able to do that, too, I swear-" But I couldn't let her finish such half-hearted wishes.

"What we want and what we're capable of giving are entirely different matters, love. I'm done pushing you to be mine."

We both seemed to accept my admission for what it was - freedom. A release awarded through love. She'd only just begun to scratch the surface of the new person she was allowing herself to become. Our relationship had helped, but also harmed those pursuits. I wouldn't hold her back or do the work for her.

A trembling sorrow settled over me as I realized Bella and I were meeting the end of a chapter. Though I knew significantly more about her now than I had the day I caught her mid sprawl in the refectory and later played her my music, or even Halloween night when I'd foolishly taken everything she'd offered - I now had perspective. Jasper's advice had been warranted, and basically ignored; her leaving was the lesson. I couldn't force my timetable or rational any longer.

Hindsight was humbling, and though she'd impulsively run from me, forgiving Bella would be simple. Hadn't she forgiven me everything I'd done to sabotage us before we'd even begun? Hadn't she turned herself inside out attempting to give trust to the least worthy candidate? And she owned my heart, so equality in our offenses was meaningless. I wanted to be what she needed, and of all the ways I could fulfill that need, right now it meant giving her space. My love for Bella couldn't heal her like it had me; her journey would be different.

Watching her go, I exhaled into the railing, loosening the grip I'd formed around my hidden contraband. Beneath my heavy coat, I'd held Flaubert's copywrite and Bella's additions. I checked the warn corners - to make sure I hadn't crushed anything with our proximity or my innumerable surges of emotion - and fluttered the pages absently. Watching her writing as it flipped by, I started to relax, surprisingly, until the motion caught. Nestled there, pressed between the pages of the only tangible piece of my girl I had left, was an envelope and inside that, familiar stationary.

Bella,

I will show you.

Undeniably yours,

E.C.

And I'd kept my promise, hadn't I? I couldn't help but think as I shoved letter into envelope, envelope between treasured book pages, and book inside the layers of clothing that would protect it from prying eyes.

Moving hastily in an effort to go forward in some capacity - as everything relating to Bella seemed to be backtracking ominously - the realization of what had been left unsaid in our pivotal conversation had me kicking off the wall and storming down the darkened stairway:

Where the hell is her promise to me?

*******

JPOV

I absently itched my bandage-covered hands, as I continued to stare at Alice's hospital door, and considered Edward's words far too seriously.

I'd done all I could to remain close by but not completely disregard her request. I'd tricked my mind, so the torture of being nearby wouldn't reduce my already faulty self-control.

Her refusing words were ingrained; I wasn't sketchy on the details. I just didn't want her to think I'd left … again. And if Edward was right, that "goodnight" wouldn't hurt, the significance of that led my thoughts to travel down more hopeful avenues than I'd dared this whole horrible time.

What if she was protecting herself; lowering her expectations to nothing, so the next time I wouldn't get close enough to let her down so extremely? I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt there would never be a next time - if she even gave me a corner of her affection again - but still, even in my resilience to never hurt her again, I understood those were just words.

There were no promises to be made anymore. Only time. Telling time.

Right now, though, Alice was small and alone in a cold hospital room recovering from my abandonment. I would tell her goodnight as she slept, I rationalized, and hope she felt my presence. Maybe she'd be glad I'd come. Maybe she'd been waiting. Maybe.

I hoped that inside her dreams there was a better versions of me, and he would show her the love I hadn't as she rested. That when I touched her leg buried beneath scratchy blankets she'd think it was him, adoring her as only I can. I wanted her to know everything I felt for her and that nothing and everything had changed at the same time once I realized the weight of my most heinous mistake.

"It's always been you, Alice Brandon," I whispered from the foot of her bed, after slipping in as unobtrusively as possible.

Her toes were so small in my hands, even while swaddled in layers of cotton-poly blend. I kept staring at the little toenails I knew were buried in there somewhere, remembering with a snicker when she'd insisted my toes should be painted green along with hers. She'd promised green would look manly. "Neon sparkles have never looked so masculine, Jas. And look, we match. Now when you're wearing your shoes, I'll secretly be there."

I smiled, unable to help myself. Alice was the brightest bit of life I'd never known was possible. As I looked on now, her sweet face was snuggling in pillows, completely calm; I was thankful.

"Goodnight, Angel," I spoke into the empty air, quietly but assured. "I love you."

Taking one final look, I forced my body to walk away, but my stubborn gaze lingered and barely caught her eyelids lifting. Ali's eyes met mine with torment and heartbreak burning at the edges, daring me to explain. Or perhaps that was just what I hoped they were conveying.

"I came to say goodnight. Alice…" Her small hand moved to brace her wounded head, as the other supported her weight; the simultaneous actions made it so she could sit up slightly.

"Alice…" Crossing to stand at one side of her bed, I attempted not to hover but completely failed. "Are you alright? Should I call a nurse? Is the pain pretty bad?"

"Slow down, Jasper. Just, shhhh. I need a minute."

After a few buttons were pressed to adjust the incline of her hospital bed and a couple sips of water later, we were face to face.

"I don't want you to say you're sorry to me. You don't get that easy out." The insistence in her voice was hushed but unmistakable; she wasn't all together angry at my presence but she planned on holding me at a serious distance. "Those words would mean absolutely nothing to me. Do you understand, Jasper?"

"I do." I wanted to touch her, but I behaved. Her face was freshly washed, and I could smell the lilac powder the girls used on whatever hair peeked through the white gauze so Alice wouldn't die from the filth a hospital stay condemns you to. I didn't give a fuck either way; I'd kiss her head to foot if she'd allow it. Especially on her head; looking at her bandages now made me cringe. I did that.

"Can you tell me what happened?" she breathed out exhaustedly, indicating I could perch on the edge of the mattress.

"I was wrong." This was the most important fact.

"About Bella? She didn't need to leave?"

I fixed her with a stare that I hope would help her see inside my meaning; "I was wrong to leave."

"You should have just told me what was going on." You deserve better than even that, Angel; don't you see?

"No, Alice. I shouldn't have left at all."

"Was Bella mad at you?" I don't give a fucking fuck about Bella right now, I wanted to shout, but instead I tried to stay mellow, not yell at the poor girl because obviously I was dicking this whole confession up. I'd thought straight forward and simple would be best; I should have know when groveling to Miss. Million Questions that details would've made the most sense.

"No, no, that's not the point, Ali. I should have thought of you first. This entire time we've been together you've deserved to be my main focus, needed to be. No one should have ever come before you." I hoped she was really listening now, because this was as transparent as I knew how to be.

Stupidly, what came out next sounded like one of those forbidden promises when I only meant to state the obvious; "They never will again-"

Her fingers went ridged as her small hand jutted out to halt my words. Ali's head shook back and forth, warning me I was treading on dangerous ground. I felt like my moment to explain, along with her patience, was slipping away so I threw myself into overdrive. She just had to see.

"Even sitting here now I can't comprehend what my problem was. I mean, I get it – I was insecure about the new way my life was turning and I was certainly worried about Bella. It had always been her and me, so when things seemed to be crashing down around her I used that to get us away, to where I thought I understood life, you know? As messed up as life used to be, it was pretty simple. Nothing's simple anymore." My fingertips traced her bruised elbow in reverence and sheer inability to stop, to remain far away. Any second spent not connected directly to skin was excruciating.

"I was just so wrong. If you hadn't been injured I think I would have realized this all pretty quickly – Bella was having her own epiphany as we drove, nailing me right in the fucking eyeballs about all my issues. But, I think I would have been too much of a coward to come back." Shame forced my head down, chin almost scraping sternum.

"If all you're saying is true - and I've never considered you a liar Jasper Hale - but if it is true, I'd like to believe you would have turned the car around before too long." Sweet hands flattened my too-long hair away from my cowering forehead, and elated me enough to find her sweet grey eyes again.

"I don't think you should have faith in me just yet, Alice."

"I won't, Jasper. I don't know what 'faith in you' looks like anymore." I'd known this as truth even before my hands had connected with wood on the shoulder of I-5 south; hearing it now made the pain in my knuckles seem like a tickle. "You've made me doubt what we had severely. I don't think I can go back."

No, no, no, no. This was heading somewhere dangerous, hopeless. I was more positive we still had something sustainable here than anything else; I'd take another chance in any form.

"I don't want to go back, either. I don't think we have to start over completely, though, but we do need to begin again. Will you let me show you the meaning behind everything I'm saying, sweetheart? Can I practice putting you first?" … Loving you the way you deserve?

"I have no idea what to say, Jas. I just don't know …" Her wide, unsure eyes fastened on mine as each of my fingers circled her forearm, slipping down towards the wrist.

So tired, so obliterated; Ali's whole body needed relief. I'd meant only to whisper my love and be gone; instead my every desire was answered. She'd listened. Alice just might even try with me. I shifted forward – closer - ready to relieve us both.

"May I hold you, Alice? You look like you need to be held." The words were out before I could regret their escape. In the aftermath, all that mattered was if I'd be allowed in that bed. Time would work magic after that.

"I just …" Please. "You deeply hurt me."

God, I know. I'm so sorry, Alice. I'm so unforgivably sorry. My mind bled with what I shouldn't say. But the truth will out.

"I hate myself for hurting you."

Her eyes squeezed shut, blocking everything out, having me assume the worst. Instead, as if the last vestiges of "Don't" had finally died, she breathed new life into us; "Okay."

Lifting up the arm I still held, I scooted to her side. Drawing her farther into my embrace, I cocooned her body with mine, arms encircling shoulders and waist and chest cradling her healing head.

"Sleep now, Angel. I'll be here when you wake up." I couldn't seem to stop promising, which, I realized, was a new development; before this emergency, I'd never promised Alice anything.

"And if you're not?" She mumbled, her tiny lips pressing against my t-shirt and causing my heart to pulse again, finally.

"Then I'm dead darlin'. 'Cause if it's fine by you, we're not gonna be apart again."

A minute or so passed, and I thought she might have drifted off, until she broke the silence, setting the terms.

"I guess we'll see." Now, I actually had something worthwhile to show her. And she would see, because I'd live every day to paint her our perfect picture.

Looking down at our bodies pressed so tightly together, I should have seen us joining, coming back together, but my vision was split and I knew that in this I was nothing; she was the beginning, the middle and the end. No matter where along the way we stood, Alice was our definition and absolutely all I could see.

Almost asleep, arms and heart too full - yet stingy for more - I closed any last gap between us and watched the future I dreamed for us play across the backs of my eyelids. All I see is you, Angel …

"All I see is you."

A/N: I'm heavy all over from writing this. I hope you listened to the music.

Lengthy 'thank you' section below, which you're welcome to skip, but then you might miss some much-deserved praise!

Endless thanks and love to lovesfool87 (for being my trusty beta - even when it might accidentally spoil her - and such a wonderful friend), TaylorMa (for understanding these characters basically as well as I do and being my absolute motivation) and happymoon35 (for whipping my butt into shape, and helping me see how much clarity was truly needed). Each of you dove in, taking time just for G&B, and I greatly appreciate you!

To everyone who nominated and voted for this story in The TwiFic Indie Awards – you rock! You landed G&B into two finals categories and really, being nominated at all was so exciting and honoring:)

Kassiah is lovely and dedicated and always has been. She also gave G&B a fabity shout out on the Fictionators blog (link on the profile) recing it to all sorts of new readers. Sweetie, thank you so much!

I can't believe how close we are to the end of this, friends, but I wanted to say now - and as frequently as I can before the final curtain falls - Thank You So Much for reading Girls and Boys. You all are quite possibly the most eloquent, devoted, understanding, patient and loving readers in this entire Fanficdom and I selfishly hope it stays that way with everything I continue to put out there. There is nothing this writer loves more than reading your observations, qualms, intrigues and wonderment. This story wouldn't have turned out this way without you! Love, RAE

P.S. Caught Up in the Silence is my Jalice "For the Love of Jasper" One-Shot Contest Entry. I hope you'll read it and the other stories participating and then vote October 5-18: http://www [dot]Fanfiction[dot]net/~fortheloveofjasper

P.P.S. Follow me on Twitter for details on the progress of upcoming updates – LeSeaShell

…. Can I have all your thoughts now, please?