Chapter 10: October 10, 1991

I had the day off today from my job at a small independently owned café called Black Jack's. I knew this night before so I planned to sleep in till my therapist appointment in the late afternoon. Brandon was aware of my therapy sessions and often tried to convince me to skip.

"Today's Thursday isn't it?" he groaned lying on his back.

"Yeah," I kissed his chest and lightly dragged my finger down a thick scar on his side.

He told me the story the first day we met. A buddy of his betrayed him over some deal and attempted to kill him. Brandon was stabbed in the side and nearly died. The friend disappeared mysterious once he recovered. I knew Brandon must have paid some guy off to kill him.

Today we were on good terms. I hated it when we fought, but we always made up once we cooled off.

He put his arm around me, "You've seemed a little nervous these past couple of days. Is everything okay?"

There was genuine concern in his eyes and in his voice. We had our differences, but when both of us were clean…we were the perfect couple. In my heart I knew that was the truth.

"Therapist has me on a new goal. It's a tough one," I sat up to see his reaction but there was none.

"Ah, didn't know you were actually listening to that shrink. Thought you were just going because the courts…"

"Well yeah," I interrupted. "I didn't at first but maybe this could really help me. He's a lot more understanding than the first bastard they made me see."

"You're lucky they gave you a second chance," he sighed. "Aren't I understanding? You could talk to me. Sometimes I feel like you're keeping things from me...I know a lot is going on in there," he brushed my hair out of my face.

I closed my eyes just a little with his soft touch. "You are understanding and you know I don't mean to keep things from you. It's just difficult to talk about it."

"He's a complete stranger, Jess. How is it easier to talk to him about things?" he wasn't so much angry, as he was confused.

I had to be careful because I knew he could switch to anger in this moment if I said the wrong thing. He had the temper of a bull and once he was seeing red there was no stopping him. The problem was that I had a smartass attitude to match his.

"It just is. It's his job to listen. He asks me questions and I have to answer them. If I lie to him then it will just get back to the judge. You know this; we've been over it."

He rubbed his eyes and sighed, "I know. Sorry. So what's this goal that's got you so tense?"

Brandon deserved to know. "My goal is to stop hurting myself when I get stressed or upset."

He paused and I could see his eyes going to my arm. I had a large scar there from burning it a few years back. It was one thing we didn't talk about. The last time we did he called me a sadistic freak and a attention whore. After that I completely fell apart and almost died from an overdose. He found me and got me to the hospital, but we never spoke on it again. I knew he felt guilty about what he said and I felt guilty for being so messed up.

"How has it been going?" he said softly and pulled me into his lap.

"Stressful, but I'm doing okay. It's only been a couple days you know? I don't do it every day or just for no reason. I do it when something happens or when I'm not feeling like myself. Although I have been panicking a little that I won't be able stop doing it." I paused and look up at him, "does that make any sense?"

He squeezed his arms around me and kissed my head, "of course it does. I wanna help you. I don't like it when you do that shit to yourself, you know that. I know it's a habit."

Dr. Falcon

Jesse was my last appointment. It had been a long day and my dad was still in the hospital. I promised I'd visit before visiting hours ended, so I would have to leave right after. I had everything pretty much packed, but left out what I needed for our session. No calls came from her so I wasn't sure what to expect. It could have been a good thing or a really bad thing.

I could hear the door opening to the offices and I knew she was here. Today I decided to meet her in the hall before we sat down. She looked well rested this time and even had a small smile on her face.

"Jesse," I gave a hug before we went to sit down. "You look amazing today."

She was blushing when she put some of her hair behind her ear, "Thanks Dr. Falcon."

I could tell she was in a good mood because she started to speak without me having to ask.

"I started to write some things down. It was hard at first and I found myself using a dictionary to look up words," she laughed. "I write it, but I try not to read it over."

I nodded, "that's for the best. Maybe once you've reached a recovery point you can go back and read them; although, you don't ever have to read them again if you don't want to. If you're comfortable with the idea, I would like to read some of what you've written."

"Okay, yeah. I don't have a problem with it. Its stuff I'd tell you anyway. Oh..." she paused. "I had a serious talk with Brandon. It was like old times. We really connected and talked about things. He wants to help me with this goal. That's good isn't it?"

I didn't have the heart to tell her that 80% of the time she hurt herself because of something he did or said. It made me wonder how he planned to help.

"Of course, you need support from as many people in your life as you can get. Which reminds me...have you spoken to your mother?"

She slumped on the couch a little like her legs gave out. "No. I haven't. I don't know what to say to her. Besides, she said she would never talk to me again unless I was clean and sober."

"Do you want to be clean and sober?" I bravely asked.

This was a question I never wanted to ask with a patient like Jesse. Putting her on the spot like this was risky and could easily bring rise to her anger. I was questioning her motives in coming to our sessions. It wasn't that unusual of a question. In order to be clean and sober you really have to want it. Rehab never works if the person leaves and immediately hits the streets to score.

"I don't know," she mumbled and was afraid to look at me. It made me guilty because I had just ruined her cheerful mood.

"I'm sorry. That was an unfair question. I apologize." I said nothing else and waited for her to come back to me. It took some time too, but I was patient.

"I can't see her anyway. I'll just remind her of what a disappointment I am. It doesn't matter. I just don't know what to say to her."

That got me thinking, "perhaps that would be a good writing assignment for you. Write to me about your mom. Just try it out and see what happens, okay?"

She nodded and wiped her eyes a little.

"Tell me about your weekend? Do you have plans made yet?"

Jesse listened and then chuckled a little to herself and I wasn't sure what was funny.

"Depends, you asking me out Dr. Falcon?"

"Oh," Now I understood and laughed, "guess it did come out that way, didn't it?"

"The beach. I have work tomorrow and Saturday we're going to the beach...during the day this time. Brandon has friends down there renting a house on the shore. He has to work Sunday evening, so I figure I'll stay in on that day."

I knew what that meant. Sunday was her day to recover before work on Monday and seeing me. I didn't like this beach situation for her and then being home alone the next night? I really didn't like it.

"I've seen that look before," she caught me. "What's wrong? Afraid I'll get eaten by a shark or something?" Jesse laughed.

"No. I'm afraid you'll lose control. I know there will be a lot of alcohol and drugs around. Please rethink this. If you and Brandon get into a fight or something happens…I don't want you feeling that regret when you're home alone."

She understood what was I saying but shrugged it off and assured me that it was going to be okay.

"How about we make a deal; if you make it through the weekend without losing control or hurting yourself, then I will back off. However, if you do…I will put in a direct order that you be sent to a rehab facility for drug and alcohol intervention."

Jesse shivered when I said the R word. It was fear and a mix of many other emotions. In all of this she had never been sent to a rehab facility. It was a place she really needed to be, but I never agreed to it because I knew once she got back with Brandon it would be a waste.

"Okay," she promised me. "Deal."

We were out of time and she stood up and left the room without another word. I knew that I hurt her a little with my disapproval, but I was deeply concerned.