Chapter 11

October 12, 1991

I had my beach bag packed and Brandon had gone to the store to pick up beer and other stuff before we took off. When he arrived I kissed him—I could taste strawberries on his lips.

"oooo, can I have some?"

"They're in the car. I got them for the drive," he locked up the place before we headed out on the road.

It was a smooth drive and the strawberries lasted up until we pulled up to the beach house. We had a few hours yet before people would start to arrive. Brandon and I had a few drinks before we headed out to play on the beach. The sand was hot and slowed us both down as we walked toward the water.

There were people playing in the sand by building castles or starting their own volleyball games

"Jesse!" he called after me and found a beach ball that had tumbled our direction. "Catch!"

He tossed it into my direction but the wind carried it. I dove for it and missed, but fell directly into the sand. I didn't hurt myself. Instead, I was rolling into the sand in laughter (in part because I was drunk). I came to rest on my back and stared at the kites in wonderment.

Brandon came over and laid down on the sand. The setting sun lit up his eyes like you see in the movies.

"Beautiful," he touched my hair and face before kissing me.

"I love the beach. Thanks for doing this, baby. Tonight is going to be like it used to be. Just us and our friends," I kissed him this time.

Parties were always the same: red cups on every table top, music blasting just loud enough to enjoy without the cops of showing up. It was likely at least someone was going to get into a fight, someone would leave crying or upset, and in the morning we'd regret at least one thing we had done. Yes, tonight would be no different.

It wasn't until around eleven that the party really got started. Empty bottles started to fill the small kitchen counters. Some couples had already found a private little corner to make out in. I found Brandon playing a game of poker at the table. I couldn't tell if he was up or down since I could never remember the damn rules.

"Hey baby," I put my arms around him and kissed his cheek, but he didn't move.

"I'm busy babe," he instead reached for his beer and took a sip. That was the strange thing about Brandon…when he was playing for cash he never drank more than a single beer. He counted on it breaking his opponent's concentration.

"Come onnnnn, you've been playing cards all night. Spend time with me," I squeezed him and moved around the chair until I was sitting in his lap. I could tell his anger was rising. "What if we played a different kind of poker?" I stripped off my tshirt and let it drop to the floor.

The guys were already whistling and cheering as they wanted more, but I was not about to do that. I was not that faded yet…

"I said no. Jesus Christ can't you take no for an answer? Stop being so needy!" he wanted to push me away.

"Fine. Play your damn cards all night. I'll find someone else to give me attention." I got up and he didn't seem mind my statement as he carried on with the game.

It irritated me when he was like this. It was always about money and we never had any fun spending it. He said it was to buy us a nice house one day or to get married and have some big fancy wedding.

"You're such an ass," I said before leaving the table and the guys oooooed while I dismissed Brandon. I put my shirt back on while I walked.

He didn't like that at all. No one talked to Brandon like that when he was in front of his buddies—not even me. He went after me and grabbed my arm tight and pulled me into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him.

"Don't you DARE bitch like that in front of MY friends. This is MY party and I do whatever the hell I please. Everything isn't always about you, Jess. I need to have time to myself…time without you begging for attention." He sighed and a hand went through his hair as he was starting to calm down. "Just….go talk and hang out with the girls. We both know we need this money. If I'm in luck…I can get us a couple hundred bucks tonight."

He rubbed my arm but it already felt bruised, so it just hurt even more when he touched me. There was too much going on for me to process. So many things I wanted to say but I couldn't form the words on my tongue. One thing did manage to come out:

"Do you love me?" I asked him softly.

He paused. It was a pause that felt like it lasted for ages, but it might have only lasted three seconds.

"Yes, I love you." He took me into his arms and kissed the top of my head. "Sorry I yelled at you," a rare apology.

He left the bathroom first and I stayed to clean myself up in the mirror. My pupils were dilated and I looked pale. It must have been the lighting in the room. I took out a glass snorter from the medicine cabinet and took a hit. Seven seconds later I was feeling a lot better and I kept it with me as I returned to the party.

I found some of the girls talking out at a table on the porch by the boardwalk. Stacy had her bikini on and it showcased all of her tattoos. She was talking about a gig she had going in Las Vegas. Apparently she auditioned for some show and they wanted her for a call back.

I pulled up a spare chair and a beer was handed over to me with something fizzing at the bottom. I was thirsty and my hands needed something to do, so I kept them busy by sipping it.

"How are things with you Jess?" Amanda asked.

"Me? Uhhh oh, nothing much" My mouth was trying to keep up with my thoughts. "Brandon has been hinting around at marriage. Of course, I doubt he'd asked me anytime soon. I'd probably have to be four months pregnant with his baby before he'd have the guts to make the commitment." I did my best and succeeded in trying to forget our fight earlier. It was so difficult because my thoughts were racing and they kept replaying what happened in the bathroom.

They laughed and I did along with them.

"Aww, I could totally see you and Brandon getting married," Jennifer smiled. "I know David would love to be his best man. He's been teasing Brandon since the eighth grade that he would never settle down."

"That's just it," I took a drink quickly so they wouldn't see my hand shaking. "I don't see him ever settling down either. I don't know if he's afraid of commitment, afraid of me, or that it's going to make things different? I don't know."
"OH MY GOD!" Stacy squealed. "If you get married we HAVE to have a bachelorette party! In Vegas! By then I will have all the connections."

"Mmmm, I can only imagine the troubles we would get into!" I giggled thinking about hot Australian strippers and lap dances.

I relaxed back into my seat and Jennifer started to share the details of her bachelorette party before marrying David. It was in San Diego and they went to one of the hottest clubs down there. It really got me to think about a party and where I would have it at. The problem would be Brandon….his jealousy would never allow me to do a thing like that. Those were the thoughts that depressed me.

When the girls saw my change in expression they started to ask questions.

"Are you alright Jess?" they sounded genuinely concerned.

"It's nothing," I tried to change the subject. "Let's do shots."

"SHOTS!" Joyce squealed and skipped from the table.

"Oh man…I have a feeling these are gonna do me in," I waved my hand as I was starting to feel something. When my hand touched the table again it felt-different. My fingers were fascinated with the rough texture of braided iron.

When Joyce reappeared in a flash I didn't really question it. We all had our shots lined up on the table. My foot was tapping the ground while I waited in anticipation for the familiar sting down my throat.

On the count of three we took our shot and coughed it down. When I reached to grab the shot I almost missed because it seemed farther away than it really was. I grabbed it guided it carefully to my lips. I drank it down quickly and coughed because my throat was so dry. I put the glass down on the table and looked at the others. They were laughing…all of them! I couldn't help but think they were laughing at me.

"Shut up!" I yelled and struggled to get out of my chair. My stomach was clenching and I thought I was going to throw up. Instead, I just started shaking but I wanted to get away from them.

Joyce and Jennifer rushed to me knowing something was wrong, but I pushed them away. I pushed them back into the tabled and toppled onto each other.

I pushed a lot of people out of my way and crawled my way upstairs to the bedroom. I told people in there to get the hell out and once they did I closed the door. I retreated even further to the bathroom. Once I got into the bathtub I started to feel hot and sweaty. I took off my shirt and bra…kicked off my shoes and didn't have the patience to get my shorts off. I curled up into a ball and closed my eyes tight facing the door.

I could still hear their laughter along with the beating of my heart. I wanted it all to go away. Had this thought that when I opened my eyes it would all be over…I would be on the beach with the sand. When I opened my eyes I saw a shadow fly across the room and I screamed as hard as I could.