October 16, 1991

I woke up sweating feverishly on firm bed with a single sheet over me and the room semi-dark. Dr. Falcon was sitting in the corner with his head towards the window and a blanket over his chest. I looked around in confusion and I couldn't remember getting here. I couldn't remember falling asleep. It terrified me that I couldn't…as hard as I tried…remember anything.

"Dr. Falcon….Dr. Falcon, wake up." I said up and saw the clock for the first time. It was 2:30 in the morning.

"What?" he opened his eyes and at first seemed just as surprised as me. "Jess, you're awake." He checked his watch. "Finally…thank god."

"What do you mean?! How long have I—"

"It's Wednesday. You're in a hospital Jesse," his voice was so tranquil as it floated to my ears. "What was the last thing you remember before waking up just now?"

"Uhm…." I looked at him confused because none of this was making any sense. "Where's Brandon? I don't understand. Am I hurt?" I checked myself for injuries but found none.

"I've tried to contact him, but he will not return my calls. I went to your house too and it didn't seem like he had been back. You came to my house. Your clothes were wet and you seemed incoherent. I'm not actually sure how you managed to make it there, but by some miracle. You're lucky you did. I brought you here and informed the doctor who I was and that you needed medical treatment. Don't worry, everything else was kept confidential. The doctor told me what was found in your blood tests," he looked down in disappointment. "You could have seriously hurt yourself."

I looked at him and now it was slowly returning to me in bits and pieces. Escaping the bathroom through a window and taking off running to escape the shadows. Taking buses and anyone who was willing to give me a ride….then walking a few miles or so to Dr. Falcon's house. Now I felt incredibly stupid. I couldn't believe that I showed up at his door like a wet dog all drugged out.

"I'm sorry Dr. Falcon. I don't know….why I did that stuff. You're right; I could have gotten myself into major trouble." I relaxed back into my bed and tried not to cry. "Brandon was being so mean to me and then I started tripping out. I ran. I ran to you. I don't know why. I'm so sorry to bring this all you."

I groaned from the major headache I had and wished to just close my eyes. To my surprise Dr. Falcon wasn't preaching to me anything and instead he touched my forehead and told me to close my eyes and relax. I must have sighed in relief.

When I woke up again the sun was fighting to shine into my room. Dr. Falcon was no longer there and a nurse was checking my vitals.

"Dr. Falcon just stepped out to grab some lunch. He should be back soon. The doctor is releasing you when he gets back."

I could sense something in the nurse's voice. The way she smacked her gum as she talked was annoying. She also seemed to have me profiled…druggie…party girl. In a way she was right, so I just ignored her attitude.

By the time Dr. Falcon arrived back from his lunch I was already washed up and dressed. He was pleased and I signed my release papers. It noted that I was being released on the condition that Dr. Falcon would monitor me for the next three days. I didn't understand why that was, but I had a feeling it had to do with my probation. Damn….I knew I was in trouble now.

The car ride was quiet as I looked out the window with squinted eyes. The sun was a bit too much as I was accustomed to wearing sunglasses. I couldn't help but feel people stare at me as we passed by. My reflection in the mirror showed my red rimmed eyes with dark circles, a pale face, and shriveled, cracked lips. Dr. Falcon bought me some clothes to wear and I felt undeserving of them.

"Why are you doing this for me?" I turned to him as I finally had the courage to ask.

"You're my patient and a friend, Jesse. I care deeply about your wellbeing. We will talk about the terms of your stay once we get home. There will be some rules. As long as you follow them I can get the judge to go easy on this incident. If not—I won't be able to help you. You might be looking at jail time for this violation."

"Right," I sighed wanting to avoid that at all costs. "Thank you. No one has ever really done something like this for me."
"Please, call me Chris," his smile was a bit infectious and I liked that about him. Brandon never really made me smile that.

When we got to his place he already had a room set up for me, and the rules were written down on a white board he hanged on the wall.

"This will be your room. The kitchen is also yours. Please be at home, but I would like it if you remained out of sight when my clients come for their session. Another rule, no contact with Brandon. I will talk to him once he returns my call and that's all. You need to heal, and he is partly the reason you're in this ordeal. If there is anything else you need let me and I will get it. I'd rather you not leave the house on your own till you're well enough. Does that sound fair enough?"

I nodded. It was going to be difficult not to try and call Brandon to let him know where I was. I was also angry that he hadn't tried to find me or returned Dr. Falcon's call.

After he left I checked out my room. There was a television, a closet with some outfits, a nice bathroom, and a window that looked out to the back of the house. The patio was nice. It was done in red brick with a barbeque, a fountain, and some flowers.

I sat on the bed watching television for an hour before I heard the doorbell ring. I turned it off and went to the hall to hear who it was. I thought it might have been Brandon, but I was wrong. It was a man…probably one of the patients he was seeing today. He told me to say out of sight, but he said nothing about listening in on what they discussed.

It sounded like the man was self-conscious about his sexuality. He spoke of taking an interest in a particular man.

"I was sitting there at the DMV and he sat down across from me and three seats down. He smiled at me when he noticed me looking at him. My heart wanted to jump out of my chest, Dr. Falcon. I didn't know what to do or say. Maybe he was just being nice or he was interested in me. I don't even know if I like guys or why I like guys."

"So what did you do?" the doctor asked him.

"I smiled back…I didn't want to seem rude, either way. Then his number was called and as he walked past me, he put a piece of paper in my lap. It was his phone number."

I could tell the guy was getting upset as his voice was changing in pitch. His story was followable but he sounded so frantic to me.

"Did you call the number Francis? What sort of thoughts were going through your mind?"

"I was terrified and thrilled at the same time. He was interested in me, but then I had doubts again. I didn't know if he was bating me…you know? I've heard of things. Straight guys bating guys into thinking they're into them…and then they beat the shit out of them until they're dead."

"You're right, that is a big risk to take."

I listened to Dr. Falcon and began to admire how nonjudgmental he was towards this client. I admired that and wish I had that ability. They talked for a bit more than then his time was up.

Since he was gone I decided to wander around the house a little more. I didn't notice any family pictures sprinkled throughout the home. I knew his dad was sick, but he never spoke about his mom. I was curious to know if he even had a mom. That's when I slipped into his bathroom and shut the door quietly. I went through his medicine cabinet and sure enough it was empty…it only had things like toothpaste, deodorant, cologne, aftershave, shaving cream…hell, not even a razor blade! Who was this guy?!

"You aren't the first patient I've had wander in here," a deep voice spoke behind the door. "Whatever it is…you won't find it in there."

I was found and sighed. "Yeah, guess you're right about that…" I opened the door and walked past him. "I should have known better."

"Perhaps, but I'm more curious to know what it is you were looking for and why you were looking for it." He stated before sitting down on the bed.

I began pacing around the room. "I….I'm not strong enough, alright? There…I said it."

Dr. Falcon

I looked at her and knew she was waiting on every word I was about to say. There was a lot of pressure on me to say things in the right way. With patients like Jesse, one false assumption could lead them down a terrible path.

"That's where you're wrong. You are strong. Do you remember the goal we discussed?" I watched her nod. "Good, now…let me get something." I left the room and soon returned with a razor blade and placed it down on table by the bed. "Here is your first test. You can either take this blade and use it to get out whatever it is your feeling, or…you can leave it here and talk to me about what's going through your mind right now."

I waited patiently as she took close to half an hour to decide the fate of this challenge. I expected nothing and if she did take the blade then I would say nothing and we would try again tomorrow. I knew that Jesse wasn't suicidal, so I didn't worry about that.

Movement…

Jesse took a seat next to me on the bed—putting myself between her and the blade. I sighed in relief and smiled at her.

"I know this is a big step for you and not easy choice to make. I'm glad that you chose to talk. So, tell me what's on your mind."

"I love Brandon. When he is his old self. I love the way he looks at me and touches my cheek. When he makes breakfasts on occasion and takes care of me when I'm sick. But….when he gets into one of his moods or he's drunk and around his friends, that's not the Brandon I love. He'll treat me like shit around his friends. I think he does it to prove some macho thing. Sometimes I think he drugs me up so I won't argue with him when he does it. That sounds horrible, but I'd rather it be that way because otherwise he'll hurt me. Then one hit…turned into two...three…four…to keep me submissive. Life is like one big party. Even so, I still love him. I know that sounds so terribly wrong," she hid her face in a pillow she grabbed.

"There are many women in your shoes, Jesse. They fall in love with a man and stay with him because the love is so fulfilling when things are good. When things turn bad it gets abusive and deadly. I don't think you need me to tell you about the dangers of an abusive partner. If what you say about Brandon is true, then that's exactly what he is."

I stopped right there to let her assess things on her own to arrive at a conclusion. She was deep in thought as he eyes looked across the room in a blank stare.

"I can't leave him. I have nowhere else to go. I'll be out on the street. I have no job and no one is going to hire me with my record. I'm screwed. I can't stay here forever; I know that."

I began to see the truth to her fear, "I will not let you leave my house without a job and a place to stay. I would never kick you out onto the street. We will also start by getting a restraining order against Brandon. I can talk to a judge and make that possible. I don't want him near you and you better not seek him out. I will be investing a lot of time into this and I'd hate to see it wasted because of Brandon. Does that make sense?"

She nodded and seemed like she wanted to speak, but changed her mind.

"Good, now go relax or I want to see you writing," I picked up the razor blade and left the room to put it back in my safe.