October 21, 1991

Today was the day that the restraining order went into effect. I could only imagine at this point how Brandon would respond to it. He never called Dr. Falcon, but he knew where I was. I guess he really didn't care about me. If he did, he would have tried to take me back by now. That was the pain I had been dealing with for a few days now. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate Dr. Falcon, it was just—I wanted to show to the Doc that Brandon was a standup guy. He failed and I felt like a liar.

My session was also today and he told me this morning we would be talking about the future. I thanked him for that because I needed time to think about my future. Where would I go? What would I be? These are questions I hadn't considered before because there was no "I".

In the afternoon I went into the backyard in just my bra and underwear to tan. Dr. Falcon didn't mind it and I liked the feeling it gave me. It also kept me out of the way when he saw his patients. I think he must have discovered I had been listening in sometimes.

I tried to just relax my mind and picture the future. The house I wanted. A dog, perhaps? Or maybe a cat. A nice sized kitchen too and a pool to look out at. I would need a job for that lifestyle, but I had no idea what I was good at.

Sometime during my daydreaming I actually fell asleep and luckily Dr. Falcon caught me and helped me inside before I burned too bad.

"You need to be more careful. You can get sun poisoning if you do that."

He looked tired and explained then that he had to go to the hospital again because of his dad. I could tell he was worried because of the restraining order, but I told him I wouldn't answer the door for anyone and would pretend I wasn't home.

"Good, then I should go…" he jumped up and got himself ready before leaving me alone.

I laid in bed for a while longer before going to the kitchen for something to eat. Things seemed uneventful until there was a knock at the door. I panicked and froze like scared deer. I could just feel him out there. It had to be him. I couldn't even check to see if it was because he might see me through the window. I checked the sliding door to make sure it was locked and ducked around the rooms in hopes of escaping up the stairs undetected.

My heart was beating out of my chest as I feared he'd break the door down. Instead, I saw him turn to leave. I rushed up the stairs then and went to the window to look out. Sure enough, it was Brandon's car in the driveway.

When he got home he was impressed with the fact that I didn't open the door. Apparently that was a major step in my recovery—I had no idea!

I started to write in my journal because there were no distractions now and I needed to talk more about what had just happened. I wrote about my conflicting feelings for Brandon and how I've realized that he isn't a good person for me. I tapped my pen on the notebook and closed my eyes for a moment.

My mind started to wander and I thought about Dr. Falcon. He was…probably the most caring person I have ever had in my life. Part of me was terrified at the thought that I would soon have to leave. Yeah, terrifying….I wrote that down.

Dr. Falcon

They said my dad could pass any day now. His heart was so weak and he was sleeping now all the time. I was scared to lose him and right now I had a lot of things to be scared about. I wish I had my dad to talk to about them.

After my talk with Jesse about Brandon's visit, I decided to get some sleep. I was exhausted from worry and thinking about my future. Here I was, asking Jesse about her future…when mine seemed so bleak. I had to stay positive somehow.

I laid there in bed and forced myself not to cry. I didn't want my emotions getting the better of me. My eyes closed for just a minute before I woke up feeling something next to me.

"Jesse?" I was shocked and groggy at the same time when I realized she had gotten into my bed while I slept. "What are you doing in my bed?" I wanted to get up. I wanted to yell at her. I did neither of those things. I tried to stay calm.

"I'm sorry Dr. Falcon. I got scared he'd come back. I feel safer here. Is that okay? If not I can go to my room and sleep. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable…" She pulled back the covers and she was only wearing her undergarments.

"No, that's okay. I understand you're scared. Chances are he won't give up that easily. I expect him to come back until he speaks with me because I'm not letting him near you."

She took this as a green light and moved closer to me and that was making things difficult. Jesse was an attractive woman and I would say that I had five years over her. Never had this happened or would I even expect to happen with one of my clients.

"Perhaps…this was a bad idea," I threw that out to see her response.

She grinned, "nonsense. I feel better already."

All those warnings they give you in school about respecting your patients was coming back to me. This felt like I was taking advantage of her. I was fully awake now and she had arm around me. Her knee moved up against me and I couldn't hold in the groan.

"You're sexy Dr. Falcon, It's a shame you're here all by yourself most of the time."

I knew where this was heading and I knew all about Jesse's sexual history. I knew enough to see this as a potential trauma. If I broke her heart, I would also break her trust.